The transformation from caterpillar to butterfly is a compelling analogy for the phases of major changes in life. Divorce is just such a time when we’re given the opportunity to choose to embrace this divorce season, allowing it to change us into something more beautiful than before.
I’ve witnessed this metamorphosis many times.
The recovery and healing after divorce can be like a roller coaster that’s for sure. But unlike the emotional roller coaster feelings of psychological abuse, this time you’re put in charge. No more waiting for the next ball to drop or the next rage-filled explosion. Now you’re in God’s hands to process through these phases so you can become everything that He created you to be.
In the end… a beautiful butterfly full of freedom and a thriving life.
The 7 Phases of Divorce Recovery
1.) Survival Mode
The final event that leads to the decision that separation is the only answer is usually a traumatic experience, especially for you the innocent party. There’s either an abusive event (that you must leave from) or the discovery of inexcusable deceitfulness (untreated addiction, criminal acts, or adultery) that sends someone packing and fleeing the home.
Whether you had to leave or were left, you’re faced with picking up the pieces of the devastation left by the guilty party. This is when the feelings start flooding in. Feelings of shock, despair, numbness, fear, self-doubt, guilt, panic, crying, and so many others. When the feelings overwhelm you, it may be hard to take care of the things and people in your life. Reaching out to others during this time is really hard. Shame often keeps you paralyzed and unable to move or make decisions.
Each morning you wake reminded that this horrible nightmare is happening for real. Then the pain hits you again, and there is nothing you can do about it.
I know it hurts, my friend, but understand that these phases are not permanent. And let me give you some hope, you might actually be excited about life again one day. But first, we must process through the other phases. I’m walking with you. (Read a little more about my story here.)
2.) Anger
As some of the feelings and intense pain starts to diminish… or you just get used to it… you may start to feel anger take its place. The legal divorce process can make anyone angry. But there is also the anger about the choices of others. Anger for the situation and ruin you’re living in. Maybe even angry at God, for what seemed like senseless devastation, at the time.
This may also be the stage of demanding and bargaining. You just want your old life back because you’re so sick of dealing with all these feelings. You’re emotionally and physically tired. Divorce – and surviving it – sucks! And sometimes, going back to the life you knew with your family intact and your children with two parents seems a lot easier than this unknown future that you face.
But like I said in my YouTube video, you can only change yourself. You’re not responsible for changing your husband or making him into a healthy, repentant man. God gives everyone free will… and if he’s choosing sin then you NEED to choose a healthy life for your kids. Keep moving forward!
3.) Depression
Realizing that marriage reconciliation is no longer an option (or at least not right now), divorce depression starts to become your new reality. You may still be dealing with righteous indignation and many feelings from before – like sadness and despair. But the depression sinks in as you grieve the losses, the life you deserved to have, and the future that will never be.
As you process through abuse recovery you’ll even have to mourn what you thought you had in order to accept the truth. Seek help for both your divorce recovery process and your abuse recovery process (if that applies to you) – remembering that adultery is abuse as well.
Divorce depression is a healthy phase of the divorce healing process (read more about surviving it here) and can happen at any time during the divorce healing process. You just have to get through it, feeling the grief until it’s gone. A brighter future is ahead. If depression becomes a problem in your life, seek a licensed therapist for help.
4.) Seeking & Self-Development
Once you’ve processed all the feelings and worked through your depression… now start on the journey of real transformation. This is about the time you realize that you need to heal your heart first before you’re able to move forward into any other relationships.
You want to know what healthy relationships look like – so you surround yourself with other healthy people to guide you. Now is the time to grow to be the most authentic version of yourself as you continue this transformation. You might even start liking yourself again. Be sure to practice lots of self-care… because you deserve it!
You also seek to educate yourself on all things healing. You’re seeking out answers and those who have been through such pain. You might read blogs like this one, pick up books, and join community groups to hear the stories of others (if you haven’t already).
You also seek out God’s Word for His promises, studying and learning what God’s purpose is in all of this, and how He’s going to help you to thrive after divorce. You want to move past the pain and the bitterness (although forgiveness may take a lot longer than others may tell you)… as the phases start to become brighter and more hopeful.
5.) Acceptance & Adaptation
After some time healing the heart, you come to complete acceptance of the marriage ending. You’re no longer seeking restoration. You fully accept everything that happened as God’s purpose. And you’re looking for how things are going to work out in your new life as a divorced woman.
The future is still unknown but you have adapted to this new chapter or at least you’re seeking ways to get the job done. You know that life, as a single woman, will never be perfect, but somehow each day you and the kids (or pets) figure it out… and you even manage to pay all the bills at the same time.
6.) Modification
This is where the real heart change starts to show on the outside. People notice you’re happier than you’ve been in some time (and you know you don’t need a man to make you happy). You start to develop high standards for yourself so you don’t find yourself in a rebound situation with the same toxic person with a different body. You’re honestly fine being alone and you feel complete just you, by yourself.
Although you may feel like you’re still surviving at times, you feel the work happening inside of you and you know that you’re on the right path to healing.
7.) Thriving
The final phase. You’ve processed through all the others to get here. Certain situations might remind you of the losses in your life. Times and situations may feel harder to handle but you have the trust in your heart that no matter what happens you’ll make it through. You trust God is with you and He’s got this.
You’re proud of the life you now have and you have confidence in an even brighter future. You may be alone but you’re no longer lonely. Not one ounce of you wants to go back to the toxic marriage or any toxic relationships you were once in. You only want to be the authentic you, with healthy boundaries that show… you won’t take anyone’s garbage again.
This metamorphosis has led to a change in circumstances and a change in your emotional character. You’re not the doormat you once were. And you’ve educated yourself so you won’t make the same mistakes again.
Final note.
There is no time constraint or set-in-stone order throughout this process. Thriving is the goal for all of us but how each of us gets there is totally up to us. Those who try to skip right over or through these stages will find themselves trapped in unhealthy relationships, unhappy marriages, or worse, still bitter and angry decades after a divorce. You cannot renounce the process, you must go through every single phase – even if just for a short period of time or with very little intensity.
If a butterfly skips a stage of their metamorphosis, they do not survive. So, don’t jump ship! Just trust God to lead you through… to become the most beautiful creature that you are.
I’m happy to say that I’m on the other side of this transformation. I’ve given myself the grace to navigate through the stages at a pace that was healthy for me. There are still things that I mourn about my past life but I realize this new life is way better than I ever could have imagined.
I enjoy my freedom and this ministry, that never could have happened if it weren’t for my divorce. Sometimes, I only wish I’d been brave enough and accepting of this divorced life when God had released me many, many years earlier.
Where are you on this divorce healing journey?
God bless your healing journey,
Related Posts:
- 7 Years After My Divorce Was Finalized (Here’s What I’ve Learned)
- How to Know if Divorce is the Best Option For You
- 10 Signs You’re Also Dealing With Toxic Family
I got word today that my husband has walked away from the reconciliation process.
I felt it coming and his actions were definitely showing that he was not ‘in’ anymore. But hearing it felt like a punch to the gut.
In regards to the stages. Is it possible to go through some of the stages during separation? Or is there an entirely new process after divorce?
I feel like I have already experienced some of the stages.
Just feeling numb tonight. But I will cling to my Father who loves me and will not leave me.
Thanks for everything you do Jennifer❤
It’s been a real encouragement to me.
Pam
There is no right or wrong way or time to go through the phases of divorce recovery. We’re all unique and will process things differently. I will say that for me, I thought I was processing through my divorce healing, and moving forward while separated, but then I received the final divorce judgment. I seemed to go back to the beginning again or maybe I hadn’t processed things like I thought. That’s why I say, just process the grief and healing as it comes. Give yourself the grace to heal in your time and in God’s timing for you.
You’re welcome! Glad to be encouraging and empowering women. Praying! Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Thanks for this amazing timeline. Reading through it makes me see the all too familiar stages I went through in the past year. To be honest, my husband separated himself from me three years ago but just kept living in the house with the kids and I because it suited him. He didn’t tell me he was carrying on an affair and was in a separate room, so when it all came out I have already been grieving the relationship for a few years and I spun through the steps quickly. I would say I am moving from step five to six. Only a couple of weeks ago I made my peace with God about wanting reconcilitation. I don’t want it anymore as I looked back and realised what a terrible, disrespecting marriage I had been living in, and in fact that God had released me from the pain and sadness I continually felt by exposing the affair. He didn’t want to work things through and continued to deny the affair though three of his work colleagues say it happened, so I have moved forward. What I am struggling with now that I have decided that I don’t want reconciliation, is that every now and then I regress into the angry phase where I talk about what has happened with good friends. I need to stop doing this as it shows I still haven’t completely forgiven. Other than that my life is going really well and I feel God walking with me where ever I go. There are so many ups and downs in this process.
Wendy
Wendy, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story. I would disagree that the anger about all that you’ve dealt with and been through means you haven’t completely forgiven. I think we’ve been spoon-fed a bunch of lies about forgiveness and anger (or righteous indignation – I have a blog post about that on this blog – just search “anger” in the top right box) by the church. Jesus was angry yet was perfect so He couldn’t have unforgiveness in His heart. Forgiveness means you’re not seeking justice on your own but leaving it in God’s righteous hands. I plan to write more about this in the new year. Maybe a great idea for a series in January. Thanks for the idea! And welcome along on this journey to healing during and after divorce. Yes, there are ups and downs for sure. We’ll get through this together. God bless!
Hi Jen
Just wanted to say how grateful I am to you for creating such a healing and encouraging ministry. I love the idea for a series on forgiveness in January. I am realizing forgiveness is a process and it takes time. I feel like have worked toward forgiveness for the adutry, that ended our 30 year marriage, due to lack of repentance but I now know God delivered me from this marriage and the unhealthy parts of it , soon after my spouse left my young daughter revealed she was molested by him (its been reported to the authorties) no proof though his word against his. None the less, I have gotten her help and she continues to be in therapy and is making progress. This is the part I am struggling over. The reality of this was almost unbearable but by the Grace of God He is sustaining me and my children through it all and we are rebuilding our lives and see Gods Love for us so clearly.
The forgiveness piece is hard I know it’s the right thing to do but I think it’s just going to take more time. I am praying for all the wonderful ladies on this site and am truly blessed by you. Thank you
You’re welcome. And you’re totally right, forgiveness is a process. I have plenty to talk about. Glad you’ll be joining us in January. Thanks for your prayers.
Honey, you just wrote my story almost word for word. But it was 23 years of marriage. My poor daughter. Thank you for sharing. I know I’m not alone.
I went through a divorce 9 years ago, determined never to marry again. God sent me a good Christian man and we dared a year and a half because of trust issues and children to think about. We married and the 6 years later he walks out. Had been involved in sexting several women, exchanging photos, etc. adultery in another form. Says he’s not happy and left just like that. We were leaders in our church and here I find myself again going through this living nightmare again. Truly feel like Satan has robbed me
I’m so sorry, Jaz, for what you’re going through again. You are very welcome here – a place to walk through that healing journey even for a second or more times, judgment free! We’re all healing and growing together.
I have been so blessed with your books, blog and videos. I recently separated for the second and last time after discovering an attempt at cheating and a possible threat to my life.
My counselor informed me this next stage will be the hardest part. I am grateful for her and for women like you who have been through the storm, gotten to safety and have turned to through a life preserver for those of us beginning that swim.
Thank you so much!
You’re welcome, Denise. This is the most difficult time, but you will get through it. Walking with you! God bless!
Jen,
Another insightful blog! As I read through the stages, I realized how the Lord guided me thru each & everyone! Definitely, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done but so worth the transformation from a woman with no self worth or esteem to a new woman with confidence knowing I’ve made it through to the other side! Thank you Jen for your ministry!
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement as well. And you’re welcome! It’s a pleasure to do what I do. I hope God allows me to continue for many years to come.
Thanks for writing another great and helpful article. God Bless
Thank you and you’re welcome!
I got here through Sheila Gregoire’s site and your comment on the new FOTF book. I was married to a narcissist who lied his way down the aisle with me. He fooled my entire family, who are usually very good at sniffing out stuff like that. He became emotionally abusive within two months, and verbally by four months. He only hit me once, and I called the cops on him. Then I made one last try at reconciliation and fled for my life. Thankfully my sister was with me at the time, took charge, and all I had to do was follow directions.
That all happened in eleven months. I spent what would’ve been my first anniversary watching Lost In Space with my sister and sewing. She ignored everything that day to be with me.
I’m nine years out from separation and almost seven from divorce. When it happened to me, stuff like this didn’t exist online. It was 2010 when I fled, literally, for my life. If something like this had existed then, I might’ve healed a little faster.
Reading this, I’m moving into phase seven. I love my life, my biggest dreams are coming true, and I’m planning my first trip to Disneyland. And not the least bit afraid of going alone. (massive Disney fan here, lol)
The anger one was tough, though. I got stuck there for about a year and nobody wanted to be around me. Including me! The wake up was gentle, though, and just the way I’d best receive it. Because God was in charge the whole time.
I’ll be poking around on here some more. If my story can help someone else, I’m absolutely willing to be there.
Glad to have you here and thank you for sharing your story.
I’ve been divorced over 2 years now after almost 32 years of marriage to a covert narcissist. The journey out was not easy, but progress came in baby steps with some “revisiting” now and again to other areas. It has been very difficult to see my future, as one of the many things that happened to me is that my ex insisted on moving a lot – although jobs were a primary reason, it would be a constant source of upheaval and chaos. Of course, this kept me isolated, away from family and friends, etc. In the 32 years, we lived in 6 states (one of them twice), owned 11 homes, and in between those, rented 6 apartments/condos. Since leaving my marital home, I’m in my 2nd rental and finally, finally trying to buy a home where, the Good Lord willing, will be my last residence. I can hardly push forward until I get into “my” home, where no one is stomping over my head, etc. I’m not thriving yet, but I will. These last two years of renting have been a time of healing, learning how to implement boundaries, and to say no. Healing is not linear, nor is grieving. I read about a term called “spiraling” and not downward, but sometimes, you “spiral” around to another area that you thought you had dealt with already, but more healing had to come in that area. Just when I thought I was OK, I saw a photo of my ex with his new wife (the last one he cheated on me with) with our (my) grandchildren. Yes, I know he is the grandfather, but what I see is two unrepentant adulterers with my precious grands. That trigger surprised me, and if he had been tagged in the photo, I would have never seen it (blocking, etc). I realized once again, healing takes time and not everyone understands why this is not a normal pattern when recovering from abuse. Honestly, I have many more good days than not, I have forward thinking, rather than backward, and I have more peace being out of the marriage than I ever had in it. These steps help assess where I am, and that I realize the pain is not as prevalent, but at times, will return. Grieving is interesting…I lived in a marriage that was a huge con, I stayed longer because I am a huge empath and I don’t give up on people, I don’t have any abuse in my family so this is not a traditional pattern for me to seek self-serving people, and I truly didn’t know what was going on until his sister told me to look up the term, gas-lighting. In this day and age, there are resources galore on the Internet, so after only 2 days of researching this term, I knew I had to choose me. Once I knew he would never change, I chose me. Once I knew that that crazy-making only comes from a heartless, toxic person, and I was not the reason for him doing those things to me (oh, the mind games), I could let go of a relationship that never gave me what I thought I would have in a marriage. These steps are so helpful to evaluate yourself every once in a while. The biggest aspect of this kind of healing is to be kind to yourself, you are a survivor, you have incredible qualities to walk out of a poisonous environment and with a lot of work, and a good support system, you will breathe clean air again. God is so faithful, and I use Isaiah 54:5 as my verse when I feel “left out.” I thought getting a divorce in my mid-60’s was horrific, then a woman in my church is recently divorced from a narcissistic man and she is 77. Believe me, if we can do it, then those of y’all who are younger, you deserve better and please take your time, a lot of time, to heal before dating again. Do the work. Check yourself often, and surround yourself with people who will support you. God bless you, Jen, as you continue to help others step out of polluted situations, and recover with dignity. I hope someone will benefit from reading these comments.
Thank you very much for sharing, Becky Sue. I bet that will help someone else to know they are not alone. And the lady from church… 77 years old… what a survivor!!! Very empowering!
Completely overwhelmed and lost right now. Husband announced last week he wants a divorce immediately and that he has someone else. I haven’t been working, have no money and no car. The declare is crushing me. Please pray
Mary Beth, this happened to me (it will be 5 years on Jan 3) and although he didn’t confess it, I found out there was someone a bit later. That announcement from him hit me out of the blue and I felt like someone sucker punched me. I was retired, and he was also, supposed, and we had just moved to a wonderful beach location where we only knew a handful of people, all very new friends. Isolation was the word that best describes everything about that time. Every emotion imaginable passed through me so it was rather traumatizing. For me, I sought out solace and direction from God’s Word. I journaled throughout this time, and later on when I realized that any repair was hopeless and I had to file for divorce (yes, I filed), I found that the journey was “foreshadowed” through my journaling. Whatever is ahead of you, I want to encourage you that our Father in Heaven is already there…He knows it all. God Bless You.
Welcome to this ministry and website, Mary Beth. I hope you find other articles helpful and encouraging for you during this time. Don’t forget to sign up for emails… and I’ll send you a few printables to keep you hopeful with God’s word. Walking with you!
Where to begin. I feel angry real angry. I am not divorced yet but separated. I want a divorce I am jUst waiting to figure out how to serve my husband papers. We been married 13years. My husband physically assaulted me the night I left. I suspected he had another woman before this and I confronted him about the evidence I was finding to months before he assaulted me. He would even tell me stories about “our experiences I was not involved in” he say “remember when we watched the matinee u did this” that was not me. His family started doing the same thing to me. I found strange underwear in our home. Now after six months of been separated he is trying to come back to me. He tells me everything was in my mind and he would love to work on US. He won’t even discuss the fact he physically assaulted me. He told me he has been going to counselling and he wants us to stay married. He loves me. It makes me sick and angry. I cry to God and I’ve been reading on how to strengthen myself to not be a weak door mat woman. I suspect maybe his other woman left him or something. The night I left I was trying to go outside to see why a flashlight kept
going off in our yard. He tackled me and kept me confined on a room for five hours. I don’t deserve that at all. I need to get over my angry. Iam angry at him for treating me like this after 13 years of marriage. I can’t even stand him let alone want to reconcile. Thank you for your post on angry it helped to read. I want God to vindicate me.
Hi Jen,
I am looking at your site because I feel so helpless. My husband committed adultery 8 years ago. He left me with our 4 kids, but I prayed and held hope that our marriage would be restored allowing him to come back to our home numerous times after his affair ended, each time as soon as there was a slight disagreement or something wasn’t to his liking he would pack his bags and move out, only to return a few months later. I resolved to pray and always keep the door open for his return. Now that 2 of our children are over 18 and the other 2 not far off, he has decided to divorce me. I know I should accept it he has treated me selfishly over the years, but I am struggling to let go and move on. He is now not giving me a choice. I hate divorce. It is callous. I hate what the last 8 years have done to the legacy we have left our kids. I was helpless through it all unable to convince him to love me. He did not see me as someone worth fighting for and is not sorry for his affair, citing still that the 3 month relationship was with the only person he ever truly loved. He has now taken my 16 year old daughter to live with him and she constantly works on her younger brother to move out too. I feel powerless. I have always chosen kindness, acceptance, patience and love. For a long time I felt that God was calling me to pray for him and my marriage restoration, but there was a point a few years ago, when I felt him strongly say – stop – that’s enough now. I have struggled with it and feel very distant. God has the power to heal and restore. HE can’t change someone’s free will but he can use circumstances to show the way. I feel like my 16 year old is ashamed of me and the faith that I had. She doesn’t understand why I have stood so firm and now despises me for it- thinks I’m pathetic for not moving on. Can anyone possibly understand where I’m coming from. I was a beautiful 40 year old when he had an affair and now as I push 50 I wonder what comes next – even divorce papers don’t make me feel divorced, I still feel connected to him and married. Can you help me understand and work out what to do? I’m sick of being sad and lonely.
I think I’m around the 6 phase. I filed for divorce in June but had been grieving my marriage for years. We had settled into a pattern over 12yrs of marriage, we had happy moments (I did) but I was In love of the potential and the breadcrumbs he gave me kept me holding on. When I got Pregnant with our second child, he told me I ruined everything. He’s been planning to leave me but now had to stay. He moved into the living room. I had a very difficult pregnancy and he offered no support, only went to 2 appointments when I was Medically unable to drive. After an emergency C-section several times I woke Up alone in the hospital. He was upset it took me so long to be discharged. A lot has happened, but he’s had a gf for months, she has two kids (not his as far as I know but I have doubts) he’s moved out and I’m processing everything. God released me so I filed For divorce, I was and am at peace about it. He is not a believer so 1 Corinthians 7:15 helped me process. I’ve had two therapists and am looking for a new one to go with our daughter.
Financially is hard bc he doesn’t feel I’m entitled to anything and on paper agrees to pay but sends money late, so my bills are late. Insurance Lapses so I lost my car for a while. Custody/visitation are the hard part for me now. I honestly hate knowing my oldest is with this other woman but I’m trusting God. The baby is 1 he’s only asked to see him 1x since leaving. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW God sees me and remembers me. I will Have a testimony after this and plan to write a book about it. It’s been so bad for so long, but I know God is working behind the scenes for our good. The children and I will be more than fine eventually.
After 44 yrs of marriage ( where I put him thru his last 3 yrs of university), he announced he was divorcing me , in front of the entire family. He was …and I say WAS…( Karma), a malignant narcissist just like my father. He was a cheater, manipulator, grandiose, arrogant…yada,yada. I was a surviver but now I am a THRIVER. Still ski fast at 77, travel with family/friends, just remodeled my home to MY joy. Irene means PEACE, and now, I am PEACE. I can sleep with barely any meds for the first time ever. My counselors said I would be come slightly manic which gave me the energy to remodel my home for 2 yrs. Now, I am settling into a new level of having TIME, GRACE, something I never knew before. I hope the same for everyone here.