Grace carried me here and by grace, I’ll carry on. – Unknown
Ask any longtime divorced Christian woman how she made it through her divorce, she’ll probably tell you… that by the grace of God… and one day at a time she somehow made it through those first rough days (or years for some) after divorce.
That’s exactly how I made it though.
With a few other things thrown in the mix. Things that I believe are necessary to healing and moving forward with life after divorce.
By grace…
And that’s how you’ll make it too.
If God has brought you to it, He’ll bring you through it.
(Another one of those sayings that I had to remind myself of on the really hard days. I talk about that in my Surviving Divorce Road Map series of emails. Not getting those or didn’t get them when you signed up? You can join that list here.)
Have faith in God’s healing and timing.
In Mark 5 (verses 21-34) we read about Jesus healing a woman at the very second that she touched His robe because she had faith. Although our divorce healing won’t be that instantaneous, Jesus still holds the power to heal us as well.
For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition. Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” His disciples said to him, “Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” But he kept on looking around to see who had done it. Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” – Mark 5:28-34 NLT
Like I’ve talked about before, we must go through each of the seven phases of divorce recovery and work on healing our hearts after divorce if we’re going to be healthy and attract healthy people to be in our lives. We must heal in order to live in peace after divorce.
Faith in God is what will bring us through and heal our hearts, in the timing we need for our unique set of circumstances.
Many times I’ve read or heard that it takes one year for every three years of marriage to fully heal after divorce. Personally, if I hadn’t already hit that measure of healing, I will this year in December — the month in which I was officially divorced.
Although I agree with that calculation (and 3 years seems to be the sweet spot), I don’t often put a set time on healing for anyone, including myself. I know my children are not healed, and that hurts me as well. If things (or people) had been different, maybe we’d all be healed and things would look less dysfunctional. But through this divorce process, I’ve learned that I can only control myself and my own healing. We can’t force anyone to seek help or get emotionally healthy at any point in life… especially not after a divorce.
All we can do is have faith in God for our own healing and trust Him with His timing or purpose in the healing of others. (Maybe they need to go around that mountain a few more times, experiencing the same thing over and over again, to get it. Who knows, right?)
If you love them, you give them grace — and boundaries! (Because love is respecting boundaries.)
[You may also enjoy: Have a Strong Faith Like Ruth After Divorce]
Accept the path before you.
Divorce acceptance doesn’t come easy for most. The mainstream idea that all divorced women are throwing a “farewell party” on the day of their divorce is final is not common in the Christian community – from what I’ve seen and heard.
I think most people struggle with getting past the shock that their marriage is in fact over. I think women are still mourning what they thought they had… while having a hard time accepting what is the truth about their lives and/or their situation. I believe that’s okay!
I’m not trying to pick on anyone (those who know me well, know my heart) but this lack of acceptance is very evident in the “standing for our marriage covenant” groups of people out there. The ladies (and gentlemen) who choose to halt their lives waiting for a husband (or wife) to come back to them after a divorce is finalized… and even after their ex-spouse marries another… are not moving forward in their lives or their healing.
In my own experience (because I’ve been that “stander” — not any longer), this leads to abuse inside of the marriage! (Abuse is only ever the abuser’s fault — there is no justification for abuse — but having no standards, limits, or boundaries for what you will and will not accept in your life, enables abuse to start and/or continue. You need to know you deserve better even if that means you experience divorce.) And most times more adultery as well.
Hear my heart when I say, I do not believe that God wants that for anyone!
Just like He took the Israelites back from their oppressors, I believe God takes women back from their abusive (including adulterous) husbands. (Did you see my YouTube video about this subject?)
Our jobs are to accept that path before us and walk in our freedom (with patience). Even if the good Lord takes us through the desert wilderness first… on the path to surviving divorce.
Have patient endurance and concern for yourself.
As you move forward in your healing, accepting God’s grace and purpose for everything that has happened, you must have patience during the trials you will be facing.
When I searched “patient” in my Bible, I found many verses that talked about having patience and endurance while we wait for God’s promises (Romans 15:4, Hebrews 10:3, James 1:12). And His timing.
In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. – 2 Corinthians 6:4 NLT
Paul and Timothy go on to say (in that same chapter), “For we are the temple of the living God.” (verse 16).
If were to walk this path of divorce with its many trials and tough days, then we must take care of our body, the house in which the Holy Spirit lives. Love ourselves as much as we love others. We rest and save our strength for the most important battles. We realize that we must put on our own oxygen masks so we are better able to take care of others because feeling depleted is not God’s purpose for our trials.
He wants you to seek Him, draw near to Him, feeling and accepting His love, and have faith that after He heals you He will use it all for good.
He wants you to become the authentic you. He wants to take all of the broken pieces and create a masterpiece.
What if the journey is not so much about undoing a marriage but about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, who God created you to be? And the point of all of this is to put you on the path to which you belong?
Knowing that… accepting that… with grace. God as your anchor.
This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. – Hebrews 6:19 NLT
Sometimes, like in my case (and from other divorced women I’ve spoken to)… life can be better in spite of divorce. Even if we feel there might be the shame that comes out of a “Christian divorce” God wants to redeem your life and use everything for a purpose.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”‘Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.’ – Unknown” tweet=”‘Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.’ – Unknown”]
How are you navigating?
May God bless your faithfulness in this journey,
Thank you for the encouraging words. I am newly divorced-almost 2 months from a 16 plus year marriage. We were high school sweethearts and have two children together. I have my good and bad days. This week has been a difficult one. The ugliness of finding out his adultery, (text messages) keeps replaying in my mind. Any suggestions on how to get past this would be great. I set aside time early in the morning to read my bible and pray which is helping. This also helps just to share my sadness right now with you and to know others have been through this so thank you.
You’re welcome! I’m glad you were able to share your sadness here. Have you read some of my other posts? In the navigation menu (the three thick lines in the left corner on mobile) click blog then pick the topic healing. You might find something to help you there. Or on my resources page – jengrice.com/resources.
But truth be told, we just have to take it one day at a time until we realize we’ve come so far and the pain and sadness are not as intense as in the beginning. Keep talking it out. Keep seeking education and support and you’ll get through this too. Praying for you!
Thanks so much Jen for sharing your journey with us so that we can find some help in navigating the muddy waters of divorce. Your emails this week have given me new eyes to look at my situation and have enabled me to accept something that I never wanted to happen.
I’ve been separated for over 13 months with no reconciliation on the horizon. My husband of 23 years has slandered me, tried to convince everyone we know that I have a mental illness, tried to turn the children against me, and so many more things that I’m sure nobody would want to read it. Needless to say, I’ve been broken. Deeply wounded. My life completely shattered. I too was a homeschooling mom. And I loved being a wife and mother. Over the last year he has changed so much. He’s not the same man. He is walking in disobedience to the Lord And seems to be going deeper into a sinful life.
After all the hurt,I tried to keep showing him love and being there for him. I would reach out to him, But as soon as there was any conflict or I wasn’t taking all the blame, he would shut me out again.
I have run to The Lord through this process, like never before. He has truly been my strength. I have wonderful family and friends who support me, and I have just signed up for Divorce Care.
My biggest struggle right now is the waiting. Being in limbo. I feel like I have no say. I’m just being taken along for the ride. How can I take back my life?
I do feel that God is protecting me from my husband right now. I trust him. He has been so good to me.
I did want to share that I had a trusted friend tell me that God does not care more for my heart than he does for the covenant of marriage. It hurt me and it felt wrong. The God that I’ve learned to cling to this last year does care so much for me. But is there any scripture that I could support that with?
Thanks for ‘listening’ and reaching out. I don’t feel so alone.
God bless
Pam
Pam, this might help…
“Marriage, like a church, to a certain extent is still a shell. If a marriage ‘shell’ is used to allow real people to be abused and hurt, God may well take it down. Keep in mind, in the first century, Jewish women weren’t allowed to divorce their husbands. Jesus fought divorce to protect women who could be easily discarded with little prospects. His comments on divorce were to protect women, not to keep them in a harmful situation. He was caring for real people more than he was idolizing a ‘shell.'” (Source)
I would also suggest you look into Leslie Vernick’s book, “Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” She shares a lot of Biblical truth to separation and divorce after there is no repentance. I read her book after I knew my marriage was over and
could not… should not be saved. It helped to calm the shaming voices that tried to propel me backward towards the marriage. I felt I could move on with confidence knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage and it wasn’t my fault.God bless and prayers for your healing journey!
Thank you for those suggestions. I will look into them.
I am enjoying reading many of your blog posts, and finding encouragement there.
God bless you
Mrs. Grove , I believe god led me to your site . I have filed for divorce after 20 years. I am married to a textbook narrassist and in the beginning before a year was up I knew something was wrong. I have two adult children from a relationship bf I met Christ. I had a toxic abusive childhood that ended up with me having brain surgery, my adopted parents died and I was left to raise my younger brother at 16. God got me through this . I feel somewhat responsible or I enable my husband bc I only knew about toxic relationships. I was a good wife and mother a social worker for 20 years. , however I got on drugs for a year while my kids were in there teens , instead of loving me and getting me help , my husband had me committed to a mental institution, I came out with ptsd, bipolar etc and put on toxic drugs which gave me violent seizures. I was not sick like that going in but god got me to a place where I was doing really good going to meetings and everything was getting better untill he found the lady who gave me up at birth a perfect stranger to come get me at 34 yr old. Turned my children against me and sent them to there father. I stood my ground and did not go. This is when I found god with all my heart, he ran everyone out of my life till this day. I’ve been in a unsafe environment now it’s not physical abuse it’s mental . I’m on disability now but I have proper frowns for divorce his infidelity and abuse but I’ve been under his control for so long I’ve slept in another room for 17 years per his request; however now he has started going to church . He has slandered my name and the church seemed to believe it untill they upset him over the way he wanted to serve so he left and I stayed. He found another church and they praise him over his photographic memory but he does not live it outside the church. I have given him multiple chances to make amens but it’s broken promises and everything is always about him. He brags about how he taught the elders things they didn’t know but can’t have a 5 minute conversation with me. I feel guilty that I have no interest after 20 years of giving him multiple chances in saving this marriage bc I can’t trust him and the deceitful things he’s done to me. We are to walk in faith and trust the lord but my flesh is fearful. Is this normal and how can I go through with this while being threaghten by him to don’t ever call him for anything even if I’m on fire. He’s trying to scare me into not going through with it . Money is everything to him although in twenty years he’s taking me out to eat one time. I want to walk through this without fear but by grace . He’s angry but if I knew scriptures maybe it would subside some of the rath he directs at me . Is he a godly man when he spews these things at me? You say god wants us to take step by step and heal , how can I diffuse this situation some without having a family or friends just busy church members who don’t mind praying for me.