If only I had a dollar for each time someone said to me, “Just move on with your life!” Often times it was said in a demeaning way – like somehow we should not grieve something like a divorce. Honestly, I think some people just do not want to see any pain or grief, so they say those things to shut hurting people up. So that we hide our feelings because those feelings bothered them, and their fake idea that everyone has a perfect, emotionless life.
A few times it was said to me when I had anxiety about something or someone. Anxiety, that had stemmed from my past. Those people did not realize that brushing anxiety under the rug, like it does not exist, does not make it go away. It is still there, it just is never getting dealt with. Not in a healthy way. We must always deal with feelings from our past, otherwise, we just see them pop up in different situations.
Also, moving on has NOTHING to do with getting into another relationship. Actually, most times if someone does move on right away after a divorce, they are highly likely to get into an abusive or another destructive relationship. The same type of person, just a different body. And then they don’t realize it until they are already committed.
This type of “moving on” is to avoid doing what one really should have done in the first place.
Healing!
In the last several years, I have realized that I have done a pretty good job of moving on with my life. Healing has been at the top of my list of things to do, on a daily basis. To work on putting my past behind me. To learn to be an emotionally healthy person, for a better future for myself and for my children. I knew me dating too quickly would not only hurt me but would also greatly hurt my son as well. His feelings and healing are just as important, if not more, than mine. How selfish would I be for just moving on quickly to another relationship without regard to how that would affect anyone else?
[Also Read: 7 Roadblocks to Emotional Healing After Divorce]
What moving on really looks like.
This list should help you decide if you’re moving on, to a healthier place, or if you are stuck and need to seek help in getting to where you need to be going.
1.) We no longer cry every time we share our story. Nor do we hide it from anyone. Shame covers. God calls us all to bring everything into The Light.
For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! – Ephesians 5:8 NLT
For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. – Mark 4:22
For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all. – Luke 8:17
2.) We can look back on your life and see where everything has happened for a reason – or part of a plan for better things. Which also goes back to #1, that we do not need to hide it. Your past has made you the person you are today. No shame in that.
I can also look back in my journal of years past and see how far I’ve come. See the struggles that I had faced and smile knowing I have made it through the hardest times of my life. Back then there were times that I thought I would die. But look at me, all surviving and thriving and stuff… 😉 …and using my story to save many lives (Genesis 50:20).
3.) We use our past experiences to help others. Someone needs to show others how to make it through. Those who have been through it themselves are the best guide for others. We know exactly what it feels like and where to turn. God is working it all out for His glory.
4.) We are not waiting for anyone from our past to come apologize. I know that will never happen, so why expect it? That only hurts us when waiting around in expectation for something that has never nor possibly will ever happen. Be okay with the apology that you will never get.
Personally, I keep my boundaries high to protect myself from those in my past that have only proven that their goal is to hurt me. I do not believe in or practice “…keep your enemies closer” – because that is just dysfunctional behavior and manipulation. I do not want any part of that. Moving on means I leave “past” relationships (and their spouses, ex-spouses, ex-friends, and ex-whatever) in the past. I keep them blocked on social media so that there is never any temptation to stalk them. I do not need their friendship to prove anything. I’m no longer a people-pleaser. I can make it on my own. 🙂
5.) We are not waiting for a man to come and rescue us from our singleness. Jesus has already “rescued” all of God’s children on the cross. Nor are we waiting for anyone to come clean up the devastation in our life caused by someone else. We do not need anyone to “complete” us because we’re already a complete person… in Christ. (Two half people do not make a whole, they make 2 half people both drowning the other.) We have higher standards than that.
6.) Getting “complete” means learning to love ourselves, accepting that this is exactly how God created us (His beloved daughter), and be joy-filled as a single mother. This does not mean we are happy every minute of every day. Doing life alone (even with close, loving friends) is still hard. But in trusting God we can understand that this season of singleness is for our own growth, and nothing less. So, we keep working on bettering ourselves and getting emotionally and physically healthy. Taking care of ourselves is important… for ourselves but also so we can take better care of our children, too.
7.) We are working on the act of forgiveness. Even if we have not yet arrived.
In my growing and learning, I’ve learned two important things about forgiveness.
One is that it does not happen in a very short amount of time. It is a lengthy process, especially if there is a long history of abuse, infidelity, or other similar issues. Sometimes when I think I have forgiven everything, then a specfic memory is brought to my attention, or I learn of new offenses that were never confessed, and I realize I have yet to forgive that offense. Some issues continue to happen so I have to keep working on forgiving that too. Then there are the consequences of past offenses that I have to deal with, and then I have to remind myself to keep working through it all. I do not pretend to have arrived. But when I make it to Heaven, I know God has seen it all and His promises are true.
The second thing that I learned about forgiveness is, that there is no such thing as “forgive and forget!” We are human beings, incapable of forgetting… nor should we! When we do actually forget things from our past, we are bound to repeat them, while we are paying no attention to how we should have learned from our past mistakes. Each experience is a learning lesson. Forget the lesson, you might just repeat it.
That wouldn’t be good, would it?
[You May Also Enjoy: 5 Emotionally Healthy Things I Learned After Divorce]
How are you doing with “moving on” after divorce?
God bless your healing journey,
Hi Jen,
I’m not doing well with moving on. Not today anyway. I miss my husband. Even though he has hurt me deeply. Even though he has chosen to not be with me. I know I deserve to be treated better than that, but sometimes I just want my old life back. I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and get back to being a complete family.
I thought I was further along in my healing, but tonight feels like I’m just beginning and I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep going. Its already been 14 months of total hell.
Thanks for giving us a place to share
Pam
Healing after divorce can seem a lot like a roller coaster ride (or walking in the desert). Sometimes when we think we’re doing really bad, we’re just processing through the pain again so we can move along in the healing stages. One step forward and two steps back… then three or four steps forward. Also, remember to give yourself grace and allow yourself to feel all that pain and hurt. You will be better for working through the pain, feeling every part, than trying to numb or forget it. It surely is a hell-like process, but I know you will get through this and may even find joy again someday soon. Prayers coming your way!
Thank you for your response. That makes a lot of sense.
Its hard to see through the pain at times.
After the umpteenth time that I took my husband back even though he confessed of having 3dates with woman. My husband was worse than ever. I was stuck again. I ended up ignoring him and moving In my daughters room. After a year he finally moved out. I felt I was finally moving on until I found out my husband had a girlfriend(it took 5 months) and it was posted on facebook and he said he was in a relationship. And emotions just took ahold of me. I didn’t realize I even had. I was done with him,but knowing he was with someone else brought a lot of pain. His pastors wife was happy for him his parents my son was her friend. I became obsessed and ended up stalking the girlfriend. I blocked and unblocked my husband and girlfriend over and over. We aren’t even divorced yet. I was an emotional wreck.finally God got a hold of me and I realized I was not moving on. I was still being controlled by my husband. I put him in Gods hands. Im not saying that I’m cured. I have to daily give him to God. I actually confronted my husband but that just gave him fuel and an ego boost. Through all this i was shocked that he stull had a hold on me. I believe with all my heart that to move on you need God and his word. Thank you for your blogs.it helped me see how narcissistic my husband really is. I have been with him for 35years and married for27. Pray that i Can get a divorce for i can not afford it
Yes, most times confronting a narcissist just feeds his ego and gives him the supply that he craves. Just best to remain silent and leave it in God’s hands.
Priscilla, have you checked with your local domestic violence shelter for help yet, to see if they have legal advisors or services? Often DV advocates are working towards their law degree.
Hi, Jen,
This is perfect timing, in this season of Advent, to reassess progress and be grateful for strides that have been taken. Healing takes time, and almost 32 years of being in an abusive marriage with a covert narcissist does not make an easy path to recovery. Looking at your list, I’m doing better than I would have imagined when I first read this title.
I am a highly empathetic person, have had no abuse in my family, and did not believe in divorce so this journey has been made even more difficult by my personality and my loyalty to a fault. Live and learn, right?
The area that keeps “bubbling” up is the last one: working on forgiveness. I forgave him early on because I didn’t want that hanging over my head, and I knew there was nothing in him that I wanted to preserve, once I figured out who he really was and that there was no hope in him changing (where was the internet in the 80’s???).
But…after all this time, memories of things said, done, manipulated will bubble up to the surface and there they are – reminders of things that I was subjected to like a dripping of a faucet. My head was prepared for these memories to come up; however, the process of acknowledging them, feeling the pain (again), and working through forgiveness and just letting it go with a proper send-off takes effort and time. If I push it aside, these negative thoughts fester and I stay in a place that is not healthy.
I’ve often said, how can I expect others to understand when I can barely explain it myself? Time. It just takes time and mindful of tools you have to deal with those thoughts in the light.
2019 has been a year of reflection, working on boundaries, intentionally retreating when I needed peace, and finally getting my own forever home. There’s more work to be done, but I am intentionally rejoining life in 2020. My goal is simple – regaining balance on “my 4 wheels: spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical.” And to improve on these areas of healing and “moving on!”
Thank you for the reminder that progress is not always measurable by others, but by the peace we feel internally so that we give externally. God bless you, Jen, for the work you do to help so many of us.
You’re welcome! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I’m glad for everyone’s strides towards healing. Walking with you!
Dear Jen,
I have found your website today by chance (? Or not? Who knows?) while I’m feeling so tired for this new lockdown due to covid pandemia here in Italy. I’m not a divorced mom but two years ago my fiancee left me all of sudden, before our wedding. It was such an hard time for me and it still hurts, even if, as you described in your article, I’m sure that all of this pain has a meaning and not be his spouse can be a bless. Your words are really encouraging : I feel better but I know that my journey is long because only at the very end I understand the abusing relationship I was living. In the name of love or better, what I thought love was, I lost my friends, my job, my passions, even my religious beliefs in order to make him happy. And this never happens. Now I’m recreating not easily My own life day by day, starting from taking care of myself, my bare necessities, desires, economic problems. With a pandemia too! I want to congrat you for what you are able to describe and feel because only emphatic persons can comprehend our struggle. Years before I can’t even imagine all the griefs, prejudices, pain I would pass trough as a single woman of 38 years old, (even from other women!) left alone for another woman in a very terrible way. Your words heal, I have to go on, even if there are some terrible days I have to remember to myself that life can offer so many beautiful things too, like your blog, a gift for me today! Lots of love from Rome Jen. Kisses Alessia