A huge part of divorce healing is personal growth. Truthfully, it’s probably the biggest part. For each of us, that can look different but the continual goal is getting emotionally healthy. Coming from a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive background, I had to look back at that abuse to be able to move forward and find out what my “assertive rights” were.
Besides letting go of the past and embracing the future, I had to learn a few other things as well.
5 Emotionally Healthy Things I’ve Learned
1. I can’t make anyone happy but myself.
I know I’ve tried. Tried to please my mother, my family, my husband, and especially my kids while they were growing up. But I’ve learned that trying to make everyone happy makes me very unhappy (physically sick actually). Trying to please everyone, pleases no one.
Each and every one of us is responsible for our own happiness. If someone is unhappy then it’s not my job to try to make him or her happy. If I’m unhappy, I’m responsible to change that feeling about myself. And only God can give each of us pure joy, that’s not found on earth.
While married most of us found happiness trying to please our husband and children. But after divorce, turn your focus from the life you had with your husband to things like ministry, connecting your children (if they’re open to that), other personal interests, or the little things in life to find happiness again. These will make your life happy, and others can benefit from that as well.
2. I’m not perfect and never will be.
If you were around many years ago, I wrote an article about letting go of perfect. Although it was part of my divorce healing, after a blog audit a couple years ago, I decided to delete that post (and many others). Although I try to do everything I can, through God’s strength, sometimes I have to let go of things. I have to rest when I’m trying to do too much (when there’s still is a ton more I could do). I have to forgive myself for not getting things exactly right. And I have to accept that I will continue to make mistakes (especially typos) in the future as I continue to learn and grow (sanctification while walking in my purpose).
We all want to heal and thrive after divorce. But even when we get there… we won’t be perfect! We’ll still make mistakes, we’ll still experience the occasional divorce pain, and we still won’t like the fact that we’ll always be a “divorced woman” (even after/if we remarry).
3. I can rock the boat and things will be okay.
I don’t have to walk on eggshells to keep people in my life. I can have a conflict with someone that I love and if they’re willing and able, we can work things out. Healthy relationships grow through conflict. Unhealthy relationships seem to get worse, toxic people discard us, or we may need to separate from them to remain emotionally healthy.
The extent to which two people can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of a relationship. – Dr. Henry Cloud
Also, I no longer live in fear to rock the boat with my ex. I say what I need to say with my assertive voice, and allow him to be angry if he needs to be. I’m not in control of anyone’s feelings but my own. And like I’ve said before because I’m prepared for court (I have my binders ready and I document everything), I’m not afraid to return to defend myself either. Sometimes this is just a part of the process of parenting after divorce.
4. Don’t compare your pain or healing to someone else.
I learned this early on when I was walking with my late friend’s mom. I would say “I’m not hurting as bad as you are…” And she’d stop and correct me… “we’re both hurting!“
I find myself saying this often after a woman will tell me, “I shouldn’t complain” or “It wasn’t as bad as…”
If I drown in 500 feet of water and you drown in 50 feet of water, does it matter since we both drown? – Jen Grice
We’re all drowning! We’re all going through a divorce. We’re all going to walk, embrace, and experience this journey differently. Some of us might find it easy to get distracted. But we are going to heal in our own time. There may be many similarities (that’s what I share on this blog) but we’re never going to be exactly the same. And that’s okay! We can still walk this road together.
I have walked with ladies who married a year after they divorced. I’ve walked with ladies who are divorced for the second or third time. I’ve walked with ladies who still years after their divorce are struggling to survive. We’re all divorcing and healing and growing… and that’s all that matters.
Never compare your journey with someone else’s. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. – Unknown
5. Stop apologizing for being you.
These are the things that divorcing and healing women say,
“I’m sorry for writing so much.”
“I’m sorry for venting to you.”
“I’m sorry for asking you.“
“I’m sorry for bothering you.“
I know I’ve said the very same things! But what someone else really hears is, “I’m sorry for being me. I’m sorry that I’m going through this. And I’m sorry for asking for your help. Everything is my fault!”
I don’t think any of us “want” to be going through this. That’s what I mean by “unwanted divorce.” We may need to be right where we are because of the choices of our husband (or ex-husband) but we definitely didn’t marry, just to divorce. That’s why I keep writing… because each and every day there are many more women, just like us, who are experiencing this unwanted divorce and unsure what to do next.
Furthermore, Sister, I know you’re not perfect. Remember I’m not either. And neither is divorce. It’s messy and hard. And I totally understand!
Instead of apologizing for being you and being where you are, try saying, “Thank you for understanding.” But don’t apologize for needing help. That takes courage and strength to ask… be proud of yourself for taking the steps to find your healing.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”Divorce is hard and messy. But we can have a thriving life after a divorce when we learn these 5 things about being emotionally healthy.” tweet=”Divorce is hard and messy. But we can have a thriving life after a divorce when we learn these 5 things about being emotionally healthy.”]
Still feeling stuck? Like you’re not thriving after divorce?
Look for these things…
Are boundaries in place with all people in your life, especially unhealthy, dysfunctional people? Are you walking on eggshells with someone who you’re afraid to confront, that you need to confront about their choices or behavior? (Remember after divorce, your ex-husband should be in God’s hands to change, not yours.)
Dealing with toxic people can be especially hard if they’re in your work or home environment. Do you feel like you’re taking care of someone who can take care of him or herself but refuses to? Or constantly asks you to? Are you afraid to set up clear boundaries and stop enabling someone who’s using you?
These things will hold you back from finding peace and thriving after divorce. Learn boundaries and be emotionally strong!
Are you working on your personal growth after divorce? How are you becoming emotionally healthy? Any other things you’d like to share?
God bless your healing journey,
Related Posts:
- 7 Roadblocks to Emotional Healing After Divorce
- Divorce Will Change You (And It Should)
- Divorce Does Not Make You a Failure
Great article Jen.
Thank you, Marilyn. It’s always my pleasure to write things that help and encourage.
Thank you, Jen. Your articles are always so helpful.
I like what you said about us all being on a different divorce journey. My good friend of over 30 years; her divorce was finalized today. She went out for dinner to celebrate with her close friends (we live far apart, so that’s why I couldn’t go). The day I got my divorce papers in the mail, I cried my eyes out. My friend today said, “I might cry, but I’m not sure.” She was in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage and divorced him. She’s relieved that’s it’s over and she’s not strapped to his half a million dollars in debt that he caused with his financial abuse. Me, I was married to a covert narcissist that lied to me from the beginning and was cheating in one way or another all along and then he discarded me for the woman I caught him out on a date with.
My friends reactions and lack of sadness this past year has made me wonder a few times if I’m just being over-emotional or just not healing quickly enough. But now after reading your article, I realize she’s been grieving for what her marriage was and what her husband turned out to be for way over tens years. And when she told him she wanted a divorce, she was done grieving by then.
And I like what you said about only we can make ourselves happy. That is so true. I never looked to my ex to make me happy, but he did a lot of things to make me unhappy. And I just said to myself, “Are you happy?” and I said, “Yes, I’m happy.” I’m not perfect and I still cry. But I’m not unhappy right now. It’s getting better and I’m getting emotionally healthier. That is by far my biggest goal is to be emotionally healthy, so that I attract emotionally healthy people into my life. I was not emotionally healthy from years of family dysfunction and abuse when I met my ex-husband, so of course I attracted someone unhealthy and I put up with all that he did to me, which wasn’t healthy either!
Your blog is great, Jen! And I love the soothing colors of it too. God bless you and your ministry. 🙂
Thank you! I’m glad you like the blog updates and colors.
And thank you for sharing what you’ve learned along the way on this journey. I agree we need to get emotionally healthy, so we see the red flags of dysfunction a mile away before we get too entangled. God bless your healing journey.
I am so very thankful that the Spirit led me to you. You are an answer to prayer!
Your blog has helped me realize that I’m being too hard on myself…I need to give myself time to process everything that has happened the past 9 months…
Thank you for being used by our Savior to help me in this season of my life…I don’t believe I’ve been through anything more heart wrenching than being betrayed by THE ONE person I thought would NEVER cheat on me, much less create a 2nd family with a Japanese woman overseas…his lover has 4 children (none his, as far as I know)…he is still with her and he plans to move to Japan to be with her…
I’m here, after 34 years of marriage, trying to put my life back together and praying for healing of my shattered heart…
I will continue to be a part of your ministry and pray for you as you share with me and other women how to thrive after divorce.
Thank you Jennifer! Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
Thank you for this great post.
I am 3 years out from divorce and really stuck. When my ex was caught cheating I was just starting some medical test that ended up being cancer. My whole world and the world of my kids was upended in so many ways. Here I am divorced 3 years, dealing with two surgeries and medical issues and can not seem to find peace within myself. I have let EX go, we are completely no contact because of how violent he got at the end. my problem is I can not seem to accept who I am now (thrown into menopause) and in my 50’s and single again. I would like to blame the weight gain on menopause and ill health but I do not work on me at all. I have cut so many toxic people out of my life, (yep, I drew them in like bugs to a flame) I am lonely and depressed.
I am also working for a very abusive boss and can not motivate myself to move on because it is allowing me to get my kids thru college. I am not able to always determine when it is time to suck it up and just make it thru a situation and when I am not putting up good boundaries and stopping the situation. I guess I do not trust my authentic self yet.
I think I need to learn to self love and strengthen my boundaries. Just where to start when you are such a mess???
You’re welcome! Maybe you’d benefit from working with someone one-on-one to practice asserting your boundaries and what steps you need to take to move away from controlling, abusive people. Do you have someone emotionally healthy (or working on it) you could as to mentor you? If not, I offer one-on-one coaching as well. I think you’re making the right steps forward!! But sometimes just talking with someone, processing things from your past or talking through present issues, helps to keep walking in the right direction, in our healing. May God bless your journey!
Hi Jen
I just came across your blog. Just yesterday I went to meet my Lawyer for divorce we been Separated for 10yrs finally got the money for the divorce!I don’t know how I feel but in those 10 yrs I have been working on me divorce care at my church help me got a mentor to walk with me through it I didn’t allow myself to be around toxic people that talked about their spouse even if he did lie n cheated on me But I wanted to forgive him Jesus way n the only way yes the hurt was very hurtful days of crying calling on the only person that helped me Jesus and my God send mentor cindy she’s pass on to be the lord.just wanted to say its people like you that care enough to help us D women’s but it doesn’t define us we are still daughters of the king… reading the 5 emotionally healthy I learned thank you so much Elsa
I’m so glad you found my ministry! Wow, 10 years? That’s a long time to wait around for someone to do the right thing. Good for you for moving on to finally getting that divorce. We’re here for you. Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.