Occasionally, a really good book comes along that explains a situation or specific healing needed by many divorcing women. Something that many of us can relate to and benefit from a little more education. That’s when I feel it’s important enough to share what I’ve read and learned in a blog post.
Although I’ve read a lot of books about abuse healing, divorce healing, and narcissism, most of which I share on my resources page and on my YouTube channel, I just don’t do “book reviews” anymore (besides anything from Shannon Thomas).
Today, I’m sharing with you this important abuse and divorce resource {affiliate link}, When Loving Him Is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse by Dr. David Hawkins. (With any book, you should take what you need, and ignore what you don’t.)
In his book, Dr. Hawkins explains that married, separated, and divorced women come into his office seeking help for their toxic marriages and troubled lives after. He goes on to explain that what they’ve been dealing with is a narcissist who is emotionally abusive.
It is important to determine whether your relationships have been healthy and life-giving or you have given up too much of yourself in the process. – David Hawkins
Life with him is/was an emotional roller coaster.
I will never forget the angry men in my life slamming their fist down on the table to gain control over me or my children. Times where, simply asking kindly would have given him better results, but instead, he chose to use rage to scare and intimidate. (Abuse is about power and control.)
[He] has learned to react to any perceived slight. They have learned they have power and have learned to use it to control others. They use their aggression to make sure you back off and stay off–very primitive ways to maintain emotional balance.
They react to issues that aren’t issues at all. They see intentions when intended actions are not there. They read people’s minds, judge their thoughts, and are ready to react. Having perceived an intended slight, they come out angry and aggressive. – Hawkins, Page 60
I can recall conversations that started with me trying to kindly, yet assertively, state how I felt about the fact that we never had date-nights, how sports, work, and friends were his priority, and how him secretly talking to other women made me feel insecure about our marriage. (I now coach women dealing with these same issues.) Those conversations never go well, ending with him enraged, spewing all the things you’ve done wrong while trying not to end up in a puddle of tears.
This is the roller coaster many women describe. They can never predict how their emotionally abusive mate will act. They can never satisify all the requirements proclaimed by this childish tyrant. – Hawkins, Page 60
It’s like your needing any sort of attention, care or concern sets him off. He can’t understand your heart, accept responsibility for his busyness and admit the need for some changes. Instead, he has to attack you for even asking.
[T]hey are on the hunt for anyone who dares to question them. They will hurt anyone who dares to hurt them–and this makes them dangerous. – Hawkins, Page 60
Then he’s the one proclaiming that your words hurt him, the expectations are too high for him to meet, and how controlling you are for even asking for anything from him. All of a sudden, we’re the one being blamed for what should have been a conversation about bettering the relationship.
It’s crazy. We’re the ones who have been beated up by them, yet they are forever screaming about having been mistreated. – Hawkins, Page 61
The narcissist plays on others’ empathetic need to not hurt people. He has learned on some primitive level, he has the power to make others obey him. He has learned that others will feel bad for what they have said and done. – Page 62
…even when we’ve done nothing wrong! You’re walking on eggshells because this is how he keeps the power and control in the relationship. This is the emotional roller coaster of living with a narcissist. There is no peace, only the uncertainty of when the chaos will come up again. It’s not a matter of if he’ll rage, but when the next episode will happen.
They broadcast nonverbal and verbal cues about being easily offended so that others will walk carefully around them. – Hawkins, Page 62
The emotional abusers’ defenses are all crafted to protect them from feeling healthy shame and vulnerability. They hate feeling bad and would rather you feel hurt and wounded. – Page 100
[You may also enjoy: 6 Steps to Find Peace After Divorce]
Trying to understand and explain the abuse.
This emotional roller coaster is not easily explained to someone who doesn’t understand. On the outside, you may look like “the perfect family” with a nice house, two brand new cars, kids in school activities, weekly church attendance, and more. But inside the home, is a very different story!
She lives with anxiety and fear because she hopes beyond hope that [he] will wake up one day and realize what he’s doing. Sadly, that is magical thinking. This cannot happen without an intervention*. – Hawkins, Page 102
That’s why we call it hidden abuse. Only the victims know about the abuse, yet they’re the ones being blamed so it makes it even harder for us to say “we are being abused.” We end up losing ourselves trying to make him happy, keep the peace, and stop the emotional roller coaster.
[She] also wants to be accepted. She walks on eggshells so she won’t take the brunt of his criticism, victim stance, and blame shifting. Though tempted at times to explode at [him], she stuffs her feelings in an attempt to save their marriage. – Hawkins, Page 102
Saving the marriage at all costs becomes our main focus, until that final straw. We live in a fog until we’re able to separate (for a long period of time) to process the difference between this toxic behavior and normal behavior. It’s the only way to get healthy.
Emotional abuse, whether overt or covert, is powerfully damaging. For your health, it must stop. When you are connected to someone covertly manipulative and silently or secretly devious, you are being victimized. You deserve a life of safety, protections, and honor. – Hawkins, Page 105
*Dr. Hawkins talks about having an intervention by standing up to the abuser. I would not suggest anyone trying this tactic without a large support system of people, therapists, and church elders to back you up and protect you. In many circumstances, this could put you in an unsafe environment.
[You may also enjoy: How to Know if Divorce is the Best Option For You]
Why you feel so very alone.
I have felt abandoned by three separate churches. None of these churches understood what exactly I was experiencing – not fully. Even when I tried to explain to the final church I was attending during my divorce, I was shunned. They actually believed, like many at the time, that he was a “nice guy.” Their answer was always, “Pray for him; he’ll come around.”
Too often the church not only fails to protect abused women but also refuses to hold men accountable for their abusive and narcissistic abuse. Often the church offers men protection while shaming women into going back to the abuse, all in the name of faith. – Hawkins, Page 124
Many women are patronized and told everything will be okay. They find church leadership refusing to delve deeply into matters or take critical stands. – Page 127
Many times the abuse was highly hidden or brushed off as just marital conflict, that a good marriage book or Christian counseling would cure. (Even the affairs were blamed on me for not providing my “wife duties” – when who would feel safe to be intimate in these conditions? I hear from clients all the time that don’t feel safe to do what many guilt us into doing as “Christian wives.”)
Secondary abuse is when others stand by and allow you to be abused. Secondary abuse is when pastors, therapists, friends, and family refuse to take a stand against abuse, leaving the victim to fend for herself. – Hawkins, Page 108
I would seek help and seek help, and seek help… but no one knew how exactly to help me. Even after my divorce, very few have understood. Not even our children who witnessed much of it. Very few still get what happened, why it happened, and I’m still being blamed. (Not that I take the blame.)
Women in narcissistic relationships feel alone because they are alone. Their mate cannot satisfy their emotional needs for empathic understanding and intimate connection. When seeking help, they are likely meet with ineffective therapy, friends who don’t understand, and pastors who will pray with them but do nothing else. It’s like screaming in the middle of a crowded room and no one is coming to help. – Hawkins, Page 80 {Emphasis mine.}
This is why “marriage counseling” is not suggested when dealing with a narcissist. Like Dr. Hawkins shares in this book, these men have tried to manipulate him – even threatening him or using other tactics. Not only will the narcissist use everything you’ve said in the safety of therapy against you, he may even get the counselor on his side to convince you that you are the one with the problem.
Reclaiming your life.
Dr. Hawkins goes on to say that there’s no black and white answer to “should I stay or should I divorce” when married to a narcissist. This answer lives in the gray areas of our lives, and I totally agree. That’s why I’ve never told a woman she needs to divorce. That’s not my place. Like he said…
Be wary of those who offer simplistic, black-and-white answers. – Page 172
Many of us weren’t given a choice, while others had the courage to seek a separation and divorce. But no matter what road we’re on, we all need to reclaim our lives – the person you were before you married the narcissist. The person God created you to be! A woman of valor!
To be fully and perfectly you will require receiving validation for what you have experienced. – Page 154
Reading and participating in this community, other online communities, support groups, reading books, and/or counseling with a qualified therapist or mentor to process through everything are great steps to finding validation and reclaiming your life.
When you find your safe place, you must tell your story. [Continued…] Offer yourself the unconditional positive regard and validation you deserve. Begin to experience empowerment as you move through the emotions associated with your loses. When you grieve your losses, you begin the healing process. You continue your healing when you sit with an understanding soul who grieves with you. – Hawkins, Page 154
Great stuff, right?! Sounds like something I’d say. 😉 Too good not to share!
[You May Also Enjoy: Mourn What You Thought You Had (Accept What is True)]
Women are SCREAMING in the middle of a crowded room (the Church) and NO ONE is offering the help they really need.Click To Tweet
A final note…
God is not asking you to suffer in an abusive relationship. He has a much better life designed for you. – Hawkins, Page 70
Order Your Copy TODAY!
[You May Also Enjoy: How I Knew My Marriage Was Over]
Can you see how loving him has hurt you? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments. (Real name not required.) Planning on getting this book or have you read it?
God bless your healing journey,
I will have been married 49 yrs in June. I didn’t know the word narcissist until 2 1/2 yrs. ago being now told by four counselors. Verbal abuse began first after 8-9 yrs. Got us to counseling not knowing he was in what turned out to be a 15-20 yr affair. Used our daughters as well to make fun and belittle me. I knew what he was doing but they didn’t. Told Im too sensitive , etc. detachment and emotional abuse followed by violent physical abuse when I got out of “fog” for 40 + years and confronted his affair. Asking questions to learn about his affair provoked much anger and abuse which I for some reason allowed. He was clever enough to get ME in jail for fighting back. Learning from his emails he wanted to get me declared incompetent. My story is ver long, seems to have all the abuse and painful experiences there could be. I was in denial they said so much that I blocked things in my mind and they stayed some place- I guess my safe place. We are a very respected “perfect” family. All kids came to our home. I worked and did the PTA, room mother thing. We went to church as a family since girls born. I know now how bad it was. I am “facing” it and trying to believe it and accept it is what it is. That’s just been so painfu but I have good support group and working on getting stronger. I loved him since 19 and married barely 20. I loved him deeply. I know now God should have been my “center” then him and family. Totally trusting him was a big mistake. I will never reap fairness in the divorce. He has been taking care of “him” for 48 years. I knew things were bad but didn’t know what it was and at 16 years of marriage I contemplated leaving him. We went to three counselors early on but they didnt help. Guess they like me didn’t know about this personality. I certainly did not know he had been in affair already for years. Just couldn’t make sense of how he was acting, changing but it was probably that way since beginning and I was in love so deeply I passed it off. Went to group meeting of women and told them I was thinking of leaving and they said “ you’d throw 16 years away?” That made me think more of my daughters and what it would do to them at teenage years and have to deal with a divorce. They wouldn’t have understood. So I stayed and the “fog” just got worse. I thought nothing of myself, I gained weight, I didn’t “exist”. Didn’t know who I was all the while he told me I was crazy. I was no fun, I was just a secretary look what he became and on and on. I was so beaten down for years. My head and emotions were just numb. I cant explain it. He embarrassed me in front of grandson’s ball coach at a game and then few days later at our home when they and daughters family here swimming. It hurt so bad but the ball coach turned it on him and said to hisband “ I would have thought that was you”. After that next day it “woke” me up! I said no more, I won’t take it anymore and I confronted him about affair and everything. Was awful time as that’s when physical abuse began. It’s such a long story of sadness. I hope if someone reads this they will not suffer it and get out. We have been to five counselors, and EMS weekend in Texas. Still he can’t or won’t “own” it all and endless lies and manipulation. No remorse really just mad cause he has been found out. Ive tried 21/2 years to pray and go to counselors but it has not helped him. Been told by all of them if he can’t soeak truth and get help I need to leave. My attorney, as we have been in reconciliation 8 Mtns, is filing dismissal of reconciliation and proceeding with divorce. Im so very sad, disheartened. Anxious about my future and being alone. I left home and married him. Never been alone. I have strong faith in God, good friends and support group. It will be painful divorce but it’s time, finally time to move forward. Just cant hope any more.
Thank you for sharing your story and how you’re doing. This is what I call an “unwanted divorce.” I hear you, you’ve fought so hard for your marriage. I’ve been there.
That’s wonderful that you have a support system and a strong faith in God. Glad to have you along on this journey to healing. May God bless you as you take steps forward into your next chapter.
Your email this morning must have been a God thing. Thank you. I will look into your website about your healing service
You’re welcome!
Wow. This is way too close to home. For the time, I’m trying to remain in this marriage. We are about to hit the 30 year point, but reading this tells me I am not alone and I am not crazy. This is the man I am living with. I have to get this book. Thank you so much for sharing this review. I wouldn’t normally even read one, but this one I was meant to read.
I’m so glad you found something useful in this post. There are a lot of great books. Be sure to check out my Resources page. Let me know if you need any suggestions.
Wow.. this book sounds like a must-read. Jen thank you so much for sharing this book I cant wait to read it.. sounds like it covers specific scenarios that help those of us living with a narcissist see that we are not in fact selfish & crazy women!
You’re welcome! Yes, I loved the scenarios that this author shares of both women who are married and also women who are divorced and wondering how they’ll heal from this emotional, narcissistic abuse. You’re not crazy or selfish! Most of us aren’t. We’ve been married to a man who played mind games and projected their selfishness back onto us. Dealing with this level of immaturity and toxic behavior for years and years makes us feel crazy!
Thank you for sharing this. I just ‘found’ Dr Hawkins yesterday. This was wonderful confirmation of what I was sensing. I’ve had almost 29 years of narcissistic abuse. I didn’t want a divorce and held on with everything I had. It hurt my 5 kids and me. I took care of his mother the last several years of her life. In fact he refused to come the night she died. I was with her. He told me a few weeks later that his mother was dead and he no longer needed me to take care of her so he was filing for divorce. Thing is, he had cheated and told the other women lies about me for many years, allowing them to harass me and even cause me trouble at work and legally. It was like he enjoyed every hurt I felt. Over the years he has raped me repeatedly and shamed me for not wanting to do things that I felt uncomfortable with. It didn’t matter to him that I knew about the other women or that I had even seen pictures sent to me by some of them. I never felt like it was just us. They were all there too.
I’m so thankful that God brought me to the right counselor for me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe anxiety and depression. There are days I still hurt physically because of this. But I’m doing better. I can now go into stores most of the time alone and not even on the phone with someone. No panic attacks in the frozen food section in a while!
2 years after my husband filed, he is still trying to blame me and hold things over my head. I now refuse to accept it. The divorce should be finalized this week. It hurts. But not bad enough for me to want to go through all that again. He tried just today to get to me with his narcissistic word twisting. I didn’t let him. Which made him try harder. Praise God I didn’t give in to his fake words!
My kids and I are now getting to know each other and they are much happier. He has hurt them their whole lives, always putting himself first except in how he talks about them.
Lies, cheating, stealing. Abuse of every kind. God is healing us though.
Thank you for sharing this Jen. And for letting God lead you.
You’re welcome. I had heard about this book but had not taken the time to read it. I’m so glad I did too.
Yes, narcissists refuse to see where the blame might fall on their shoulders. And even when they do, they feel better about themselves when they turn the dialog, especially when they want to impress new supply, to blame someone else. It has always been and always will be the ex-wife’s fault. Even with multiple wives, that he’s cheated on, it still will be all those ex-wives’ fault. “All his exes are crazy” and it had nothing to do with his actions or behavior. HA!
God bless your healing journey. Glad to be walking together.
I just want to say how grateful I am to you for being a wonderful example not only for myself, but for the countless women who suffer in silence and are trying to make sense of what is happening in their lengthy, abusive marriages. I am recently divorced from my husband of 31 years. The last 15 years have been a continual, private, confusing bewilderment on my part. Constantly doubting myself and unsure of what was happening to my once happy marriage. Thank you, thank you!!
I have also done much reading on the topic of emotional abuse and particularly covert narcissism. I discovered “when Loving Him is Hurting You” by David Hawkins a few month’s back and it made me cry! Tears of relief, comfort and joy!! I felt that I finally heard someone who believed in Christ and speaking the truth! I grew exasperated years ago from “stepping over and around” the reality of my marriage and keeping up appearances for the sake of others!! My days of denial are behind me and I’m trying to move forward. I love Jesus and am putting every ounce of faith and trust with Him!!
God Bless Everyone!!
Hi Sonia, You’re very welcome! I love what I do… encouraging and empowering women to thrive after divorce. I felt the same way about Dr. Hawkin’s book. I have so many notes highlighted, it was just that much confirmation for me that what I experienced was real and not all in my head. That’s when I knew I needed to share it with others too.
I’m so glad you’re moving forward, reclaiming your life, and educating yourself to get emotionally healthy. God bless your healing journey. And glad to have you along!
Finally!!!!! Someone who knows there is a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality to him! And it’s not me!!! I just read this and oh, how I cried!!! I have been going through hell for the last few years trying to do EVERYTHING I could to make my marriage work, but he wasn’t interested in me or it, and everything I did was useless or a waste of time. So many, many times I sat on my own, while he did his own thing in silence, and I felt totally unwanted, uncared for and unloved. Yet, if anybody else was around he was Mr Perfection himself!! Gosh, he was soooo two-faced!! And now, in the divorce process, everybody is taking his side of things because he is “heartbroken??”
Give me a break!!!!! It’s sooooo totally unfair!! Even most of the kids have taken his side and have cut me off! Why can’t people see the truth???
Jan, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It is unfair, but it’s not you! These guys do the same no matter who the woman is. And turn the kids against you too. You’re not alone! Many of us are in the same boat. We see it now, but some people either ignore the psychological games or they don’t know that it’s dysfunctional (and abuse). I’m glad to have you along on this journey to healing and emotional health.
I’ve been reading a lot about narcissistic abuse in the past couple months and it’s so shocking to me…it’s like someone has been recording my life and writing it down. For 13 years, we played the perfect family role so of course now that I’ve said enough is enough, I have had some people who are saying “it can’t really be that bad – he’s such a nice guy!”……but those who have had more in depth conversations with him over the years are slowly coming to the surface and saying things like “I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did with him” or “I always thought years ago that if you kicked him out, I’d be there to support you”. It’s encouraging to know that I’m not alone and that people have seen him for how he truly is even though he continues to push the facade he’s created for years. When we separated, he wrote a nasty letter to both our families about me, smearing my name through the mud, and sent it to them, my boss, and to my closest friends – with the supposed motivation that he was “seeking help for me because he was concerned about the route I was taking”. I took the position of silence and didn’t retaliate and time has fortunately showed many people who is the one needing help……
Thank you for your Christian perspective on this subject – I look forward to hopefully reading this book sometime soon 🙂
You’re welcome! When a narcissist or toxic person can no longer control you, he’ll try to control how others closest to you see you – the smear campaign. This is especially true when fathers are able to alienate their children from their mother with lies and manipulation.
how do you start over after 26 years? just makes me feel like ive wasted my life. but I do know my husband has bad problems with being aggrasive and hurtful….and yes, I wand on egg shells day by day…. hoe fo u get over the fear of leaving what your life has always been?
That’s what this ministry is all about – walking with ladies who feel like their starting over as they learn to survive and thrive after their unwanted divorce. As I state all over this website, we’re walking this path together! This is not an ending but a new beginning. God bless!
Thank you, Jen, for this insightful article. I really appreciate it. My experience is with my older brother who has all the traits of a narcissist. He always had lots of charm, good looking (his own words by the way…LOL), and a popular musician in the church and community. My other older brother has always been the opposite of him…sweet, kind, encouraging to others. I’m so thankful to God for giving me this other older brother.
Anyway, back to my narcissistic older brother: his controlling and manipulation accelerated when my dad died. Right away, he started wanting control and he must have known it was my mom’s and I weakest time because we were beginning to mourn for my dad. A year after, we allowed him to talk us into him moving in with us. And then it really got bad. He would always be wanting to buy things for the house and change it. Mom and I would always say no if it wasn’t something we wanted. (It was my mom’s house). But, he would fly into a rage and we would end up saying yes just to “keep peace”.
Fast forward ten years and my mom and I ended up selling the house which, before he moved in, was totally paid off. During those ten years, we allowed him to talk us into getting $80,000 in home equity loans. Mom and I finally “woke up” to the fact that my brother was verbally and emotionally abusing us in the 8th year of living with him. It took us 2 more years of getting enough courage, with God’s help, to separate from him. He would start into a rage every time that we lovingly tried to talk about how he was treating us.
Yes, so true, what you have said: No amount of love to a narcissistic person will change him. Only God through the Holy Spirit can do that. It took 10 years for us to finally stand up to him. We sold the house and Mom and I live by ourselves and he’s been moving around from place to place for the last 6 years. Whenever I need to talk to him on the phone and he starts in on blaming me for things, I tell him that I’m hanging up and we will talk another time.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jen, so that you can help others (like my mom and I) take control of our lives again with God’s strength..
Wow, Denise, that sounds like an ordeal. Thank you for sharing your story from the perspective of a sister because I know many of us have toxic family members as well. I’m glad you’ve learned boundaries and separated yourself from him. God bless your healing journey.