Just that title alone can cause tears to come to the eyes of many women who know this pain, well. For the last several years, as I’ve written more about the estrangement that I’ve experienced, I hear tons of stories from women (and men) who have children and grandchildren that have been turned against them for no good reason. Many are even blocked by their own children.
Not because they live too far away. No, a very charming and convincing manipulator (usually a narcissist) has successfully been able to convince people that this parent, who loves their children and grandchildren very much, is toxic and/or a narcissist. Most times these now healthy parents have seen the truth about the narcissist and have boundaries in their lives.
When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how other people see you. – Unknown
Many times because of the work the narcissist had done during the marriage, he is able to successfully control the dialog of the victim after divorce. I’ve seen this first hand and have heard from far too many women to count, that this is exactly what they’ve experienced.
How is one person able to do this?
We always see things much more clear once we’re out of the relationship. But while in the dysfunction, red flags are often disguised as “marriage problems” or we women are blamed as being too emotional or irrational when they speak about the very issues that cause us to feel crazy. As I talked about in another blog post, loving a narcissist hurts you because it really does!
Narcissists are able to gaslight anyone to believe his lies unless you’re highly trained in seeing through lies from a narcissistic abuser – which most of us become by the end of our marriage. They’re often able to convince their wife’s family and friends of “her craziness” and “need for control,” when really, she’s just starting to notice the cracks in his story. Sometimes, she finds out rather quickly to just go along with his narrative for her own safety and sanity. Then, because she’s not defending herself, they believe the lies.
I’m sure he is able to brainwash and separate you from your friends and family, your support system, started while you were dating. You and he just couldn’t live without each other – wanting to spend so much time together. It became you and him against the world.
At some point, things turn in the opposite direction. You’re tired of the roller coaster or keeping all the truth hidden from the outside world. And once you’re no longer believing the lies or pretending everything is fine, when it’s not, you’ve now become enemy number one. The war has been waged against you. He will turn everyone against you so that you will be all alone!
The Smear Campaign
The top question I get is, how do I defend myself from all the lies and smear campaign?
It can start soon after the wedding or a short-time before the divorce but either way, it happened. His lies are purposeful and directly about you and your character. Sometimes believable lies because of the portions of truth mixed in. The flaws that all people have. Or your insecurities. Not only does he make sure everyone knows these lies, he actually runs to them first to direct their view before you’re able to.
Where there is a smear campaign, you trying to defend yourself and speak the truth already looks like lies. Everyone already believes that you do nothing but speak badly about this nice and charming guy, who’s done nothing wrong. It must all be you. That’s what he wants them to believe.
I’ve spoken to ladies that had husbands who were able to turn her own mother, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, and even her own children against her. He convinced all those people that she was to blame for the breakdown of the marriage and even his actions during the marriage. I know how frustrating that can be.
Children are the pawns!
When there are children involved the narcissist uses the children to get back at the other parent. He’s able to brainwash them in the same way and turn them against their own mother. Again, he has an “us against her” attitude – the same tactic he used to get you ensnared with him. The narcissists think in black and white – people are either all good or all bad. Mothers are not humans with good and bad qualities, they are just bad for not being his personal doormat or going along with his narrative.
Many times narcissists are really skilled at the game of chess. They use people like players on the chessboard. I have no idea how to play chess, otherwise, I could explain more, but all the narcissists from my past did know how to play and loved the game. That right there should have told me something.
“It’s us against her!”
Narcissists and borderlines (meaning people with a borderline personality disorder – BPD) are really good at playing the victim and getting people to believe that they were abused by their victims. I can still remember when my grandmother died and other family members were calling me asking why I didn’t come to the funeral. They had talked to my mother! I knew the story she was telling them just by the messages they left. I was the bad guy and she was the victim. Hashtag #StoryOfMyLife.
This is what they do. Other family members and even children believe the lies that everything is your fault. You are the one causing problems. You are the one not being a good parent – they could do better. And you are the one with revenge on your heart… when you’re just trying to gain your life back and raise your children. What they’re doing is projecting their evil heart onto you… and because no one is asking your side of the story… they believe him.
This is how he’s able to get allies for his war. You are the enemy that needs to be destroyed. His mission is still to abuse you or hurt you for whatever perceived slight he’s holding on to. After divorce, the only connections are kids or other shared property. I see it all the time talking to coaching clients. Even in cases without kids involved, the narcissist drags it out in court or doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do after the divorce, just to keep hurting you.
He says that I’m the narcissist!
I get this question too. Emails from women who believe they were married to a narcissist. But the narcissist was able to turn the children, the church and even her own family against her, by calling her the narcissist and abuser.
What’s the truth? Do you lie, cheat, and try to manipulate people to gain something for yourself? Are you selfish and feel entitled to everything you want, often willing to take it from other people? Maybe even leaving them with nothing? Do you have an outer image of perfection that you’re always trying to convince people is true about you while also protecting your very low self-esteem and self-image? Do you cover over the truth in order to hide the authentic you?
Are you only interested in superficial relationships in order to protect the truly authentic version of yourself? My guess is, probably not! I know for me, I don’t want fake or superficial relationships especially with those closest to me. I want deeper intimacy even with friends.
I spent an entire year just focused on being a more authentic version of myself. I wouldn’t say I’ve arrived at that completely, I’m always a work in process, but I don’t shy away from sharing the honest truth about what I think and what I feel on the inside – that’s how I’m able to be more vulnerable here on my blog. I have nothing to hide or protect – beyond being hurt by toxic people again.
Narcissists do all these things and more. And they don’t worry about who they hurt while doing so!
The Truth Always Comes Out!
As hard as it is to allow people to believe lies about you, it’s best to let things play out rather than try to defend yourself especially with people who don’t want to hear or accept the truth. Or with those who’ve already made up their mind about the entire situation based upon what your soon-to-be-ex or ex-husband has said about you and the situation.
Here’s how I see it. Narcissists use people like all those disposable plastic water bottles people throw away every single day. They drink the water (take what they need) and then discard (throw the empty bottle in the trash – it’s useless). They use people and lie to them. They don’t love anyone because they don’t love themselves. The truth always comes out as people start paying attention. But only when they need to or want to for their lives to be emotionally healthy.
Some people (our family or children) just stay in dysfunctional relationships – even if that includes manipulative tactics, gossip, and all kinds of unnecessary stress. They get something (most times money) out of staying connected to these toxic people. The narcissist wants to be the hero and they want his money. Win-win for both.
But not for the rest of us who really want authentic, honest relationships with people who love others as much as they love themselves.
Self-Coaching Tip:
Your character will speak for itself! I just stay away from people who try to destroy that which can’t be destroyed and let them live their unhappy lives. I don’t have to defend my character.
Getting emotionally healthy and learning how to assertively speak my boundaries was the best decision I’ve made for my life. I don’t ever plan to go back to trying to prove myself to people again. I just have to keep reminding myself of those facts (which is self-coaching).
Do you have a story to share about how you experienced a smear campaign by a toxic person or you were the family scapegoat, where the blame was thrown on you when it was not your fault? Real name not required.
May God bless your healing journey while you wait for the truth to come out,
Related Posts:
- What Is a Narcissist? Am I a Narcissist?
- “It Wasn’t Me!” (Realizing You Weren’t to Blame for the Breakdown of Your Marriage)
- Walk Away & Let Toxic People Misunderstand You
Thank you Jen for sharing this. I have gone through it and was encouraged by your article.
I’m so glad to help another woman who knows this pain.
My kids are now 33, 30, & 21. My ex ABSOLUTELY turned my two oldest (his stepdaughters) against me. He tried with the youngest (our daughter) . She teetered back and forth. And just 3 weeks ago…BOOM! She is no longer speaking to me or allowing me to see my granddaughter.
I always thought once they grew up & realized how much of a liar he is, they’d realize he lied about me too. NOPE! they know he’s a liar, but I don’t think the thought has even crossed their minds that maybe he lied about mom too! My kids hate me! My body, mind, and soul literally hurt to the point I barely function. He stole my children from me. I will never recover from this abuse; not my character or my being.
I feel your pain. Losing your kids like that…..they took my life without killing me.
I thought time was an answer but time just added distance and my kids graduated high school, started their lives and I have to accept that I will never have that bond that was destroyed by my ex-husband when he turned my 15,16 and 17 yo girls against me.
Imagine that teenage girls that fight with their mom.
Only in today’s world you’re supposed to be your kid’s best friend and if you refuse you’re already the craziest person out there add a narcissistic ex husband to that and it was war.
My heart goes out to you.
You just explained My life !!! Someone took my heart and my mind and squeezed it In an ink pen (or keyboard)literally just read my life EXACTLY word for word !!!! After my daughter disclosed that she was molested by her step brother , at her DADS HOUSE! M! Immediately following the disclosure he “made a safety plan” know what it entailed? She can only be around her older sister and her dad and she was crying for me and he would not let her come to my house though it was my time to have her. I never felt so helpless in my life. I called DCS and they said to take them to court I was like wow I bet if someone called and told you I relapsed and was doing drugs u would be here in a heartbeat. My daughter discloses her molestation and cries for her mom and you tell me to take him to court. I called back later and Ottis was getting ready and I said well he’s gonna keep Grace. I was told that only her and her dad could.!! The OTHER BROTHER KEPT HER !!! And he encouraged the STEP SON TO FIGHT THE PROTECTIVE ORDER that I had to get for my daughter cuz he was coming aback to the house not once or twice BUT 3 times
Long story short he he’s made me pay every since
I AM THE ONE ON supervised visits
They haven’t been in my home in over a year and they act like I’m the one that abused Her
I’m the only one willing to even support her And even protect her
I had been looking up Narcissistic Gaslighting and came across this article and one paticular reader’s experience. I too have adult children and went through exactly every aspect of blame manipulation lies alienation of my children and more. He necame outraged and filled with rage when I contacted a lawyer although he was the one threatening divorce. Guess ending some of his control. That’s when using anyone including family friends and children against me became the biggest weapon in his arsenal. My dear Cousins and Brother, sister in law and their children weren’t having it. Then he turned my children against them with whom they had always enjoyed a wonderful loving relationship. He had pretended to show interest in accompanying to my psychologist( yes, I was convinced I was crazy and he pushed buttons when a child was around to make me cry out of frustration and call me psycho)he lied to proffesionals…called them quacks(not exact word) when 2 of them asked him never to return to their office.
Also never forget the narcissist uses that true meaning of gaslighting and phrases like fault, crazy , loonatic while throwing in a smidgen of truth to make their stories and lies more believable. Very intuitive adults and highly trained professionals see through these things therefore he must make them enemies. My x even even told my son I was having him jailed during our procedings(he lied in court , got caught and did not comply with presenting documents in the time frame ordered by judge) my son who was in college contacted me obviously shaken up and swore he would see me in return for begging for court not to jail his father. Yup…I fell hook line and sinker(they know children can pull at heartstrings and a loving desperate mom’s true Achilles heel)
My daughter did contact me several years ago and we got together a couple of times over aprox. 2 plus years
I never with either child( son has seen me now a few times after 7 years) spoke I’ll of their father or anything that happened. Rather speaking of nice things in the past and things we did . I knew I wanted to take the perverbial high road even tho it seemed to prolong my unbearable pain but didn’t realize it actually is the correct thing to do in these situations. Well. After seeing my daughter those times….poof…no more for years and I don’t know what happened tho in my reading gs I assume he guilty her or something.
She won’t answer calls or texts.
Now my son and his wife have been seeing me but I was not invited to their wedding( not blaming that poor girl who has prob. Heard horid things abt. me).
I missed my son’s college graduation prior as well as my daughter’s wedding years ago.
My son said it was his decision alone to exclude me but we all know that is partially true even if the manipulator didn’t exhibit verbal opposition.
There is so much more and I realize this is an extremely long read but I wanted to give many examples bc there are so many tools in a narcissist ‘s arsenal and hoped one or more examples may help a victim see things that may aid in putting some of the pieces of the puzzle that tortures them with self dought, alienation of loved ones, unbearable pain deep within one’s soul all of which is unrelenting.
Through the grace of God and a loving family especially my brother and sister in law and nieces, I have survived the last 10 years without these caring , selfless giving individuals I know I would not be hear to tell my long story. Although it was only the tip of the iceberg.
Thank you for your patience and I truly pray this helped so when you’re in that dark place you can remember it’s not you and there are folks that will not believe the narcissist and lastly you know the truth…Don’t ever doubt yourself like I did. That’s is a dangerous road best untraveled .
Blessings to all who see this . B
This sounds like it was written by ME. My dr described him as a narssacist with borderline personality disorder. All I know is that my daughters have not spoken to me in 10 years. Unbearable pain. Ellen
I am currently still married to my narcissistic husband…he is far from an amateur. Charming, handsome, successful and the worst of the worst of types of narcissists. The majority of the last 19 years has been a nightmare but I have grown alot and can see through his pathetic manipulation tactics… which has made a huge difference. We have 2 children together 10 yo daughter and 14 yo son w special needs…and 3 stepsons that are all now in their 20s. I thought things would get better and they were for several years…but now that our daughter is reaching puberty his narcissistic self has shown its ugly face again. But this time the target is our daughter. I am trying to protect her the best I can without saying too much. He has already trained her to think that she has to tell him everything if she wants his love. But as everyone knows who has walked this path…its exhausting emotionally and mentally to walk on egg shells and constantly redirect conversations to avoid world war 3…. I want to leave him but know that will open doors to allow him to alienate our children against me…which he will certainly do…and possibly worse because he is as vengeful and malicious as they come. I watched him do it w my 3 stepsons towards their mom. Any helpful advice or suggestions to protect my daughter during this time…at least until she is a little older and it is safe for me to divorce?
Hello,
I just read your article on Crosswalk.com entitled 5 Warning Signs that You’re Married to a Narcissist. Wow, that article nailed it like none other! And I’ve read a lot of articles about narcissists since my divorce 5 years ago. Thanks for what you do. I can’t wait to read the rest of these because I am still really hurting over the ‘loss’ of my kids and my own family.
One thing about the Crosswalk article: I think you should have emphasized the need to get away from an abuser.
God bless!
I was a victim of a Narcissist as well. He told me that our 32 years of marriage was nothing. He said that all doors were going to close behind me, that what my family and friends did to me, his would never do. He said that all my friends and family were going to leave me and children would not believe me. I ended up with no friends or family or children. I discovered that he was giving internships and jobs to family members on my back for years, as well as doing business with some. He has the money, and my children have basically erased me. My daughter told me that to see my grandchild is a privilege not a right, and I can only see her if I reserve a special date a long time in advance and stay in a hotel, which is very expensive and she knows and I can not keep doing. I have no idea of what to do, and I started to show her all the things that the father did, and although they know that the father has abused me for 5 years, it does not make any difference. Thanks for sharing
Hi – this is so sad – your experience of abuse resonates with mine – I’m currently married – trapped – he has turned his family against me – his 5 grown children treat me like dirt – I am his and their scapegoat – a terrible place to try and thrive from. You say you are divorced – I hope you can access appropriate therapy to support you at this bleak time. Concentrate on yourself and your healing – you’ve been through hell and must feel traumatised. Nurture your heart – eat nutritious food – join groups for company. The narcissist s lies live on as truth to the flying monkeys they weaponise against us – somehow that makes them feel important – like – You’re nothing therefore I’m something – that’s evil. – Be glad you are away from that poison – sometimes the first step in our recovery is to recognise that none of this is your fault – but our aim is to shrug off victim Hood and work on thriving. We cannot change the legacy of the narcissist s abuse in our lives. We can hope to walk away – I wish you peace and fulfilment – you are stronger than you think you are ❤️
Really good article. You do such a good job of really crystalizing what goes on & why.
Thank you!
God bless you I really needed this today I have been Questioning myself lately it’s my own daughter who the narcissist and she fits the profile 100 %When I found out the true definition my hairs on my body stood up because it was conformation
Great article I have been in a toxic relationship for 13 years and had a child, thought it was normal to put up with the behaviour I was subjected to.
That I should be grateful to be with such a great bloke, truth is he is a wrong un.
He has gaslighted me to my family apparently i have been having affairs for years, took my daughter to live with my parents and my dad doesn’t even speak to me anymore and I am banned from seeing my mum at their house,
We are selling the joint home and he drinks and is extremely hard work at times, banging around leaving me notes about narcissist behaviour around the house, it’s over but it’s not he has my whole family glued to his every word, but I’m.staying strong for my daughter, I know the truth and the thing is that keeps me going I’m not a bad person, and I really tried over and over again he would abuse me mentally making me feel like crap , but I had enough of his controlling behaviour, he drinks and mentally abused me for years and the accusations , he has tracked me accused me of affairs and bad mouthed me to everyone but I know the truth and I’m not backing down!!!!
My daughter is my priority and I’m going to sell this house and move on, he is moving in with my parents I say good luck to him, i know the truth, I just hope some day they realise what he is like , I feel sorry for the sad little man, must be hard keeping up all the pretense what a great bloke when really he is a drunk nasty little man, people believe all the stories the tales he tells, gripped on every word sort of gives him a power but I’m waiting for karma, and when it comes by god its gonna grip him so hard, the funny thing is I dont care, i can do this me and my daughter are going to be fine, but him, I’m not to sure, sort of feel sad even after everything he has done to me I feel really sad for him.
Every day I’m getting stronger and surrounded myself with friends and really good people and would like to help other people so they know they are not on their own, it’s a really shit place when you are with someone like this, you doubt yourself and feel you are going mad but you are ok and the feelings you feel are correct but you some how feel you have failed that you should be grateful, what a great bloke.
People see what they want to see and to those that dont see him for what he is good luck I’m moving on stronger better version of myself and that is gonna make the true narcissist really feel no control.
Like I say great article really helpful reading all the messages people have wrote, and a massive thankyou really helped and reinforced that everything I have done is for the better and for a great future.
This happened to me. Not only had he turned EVERYONE I know and love against me, especially my adult children was indescribably heart breaking, but he loft me homeless and penniless with no car. He had connections in the legal arena so my own attorneys were not “working” for me. He had gone to all of the Domestic Violence services in our area well before I had reached out for help. He even did this in the town where our vacation home was. Not only were all of these people against me, they joined in his game of cruel psychological warfare and gaslighting because they were convinced that is what I had done to him. My own children joined in as well.
This was so devastating. I couldn’t even build a new network of people because he was still tracing my every move, text, email, etc and somehow would get to anyone I was trying to form a friendship with.
I was completely broken and it just kept going on and on and on. I completely fell apart and started drinking which then would trigger all of the trauma. It was a horrible cycle and went on for many years. I wonder if this has happened to anyone else. I was so psychologically traumatized, no resources, and was continually being re-traumatized by new people I met, who would take advantage of me because I was so vulnerable. The hardest thing for me is that I fell into everyone of his traps over and over and over. I made all of the mistakes one could make in this situation…. trying to get validated, trying to get my children or anyone to believe me, It was so bad that my behavior became to look like that of a narcissist and unstable person, like everything he told them I was. It’s been over 5 years. I turn 60 in a week. I have a job, an apartment. I struggle everyday with the effects of a fractured spine from when he threw me into a stone fireplace. I have to work at being positive every single day. I still have breakdowns where I accuse people of trying to do something and hurt me. I push people away, which doesn’t help in quest to feel “normal” or like myself again.
I just want to know if anyone has spiraled out of control because of narcissistic abuse.
Can’t believe I’m reading this , I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through . This is the exact same thing that’s happening to me my mother and the father of my kids are doing the same thing and I started drinking again because of it I could never understand why I would run a mile and drown myself with alcohol to numb out this pain . I’ve recently found out she has been using several new people in my life to believe her twisted Version of events , she already set me up and picked at me when I was at my very lowest she would plant things in my head to cause arguments with my partner and call the next day like nothing happened , she gets through to everyone I know I’ve cut myself off from everyone , now I’ve split up with my parenr because she can’t bare to see me happy with 2 beautiful kids. But then I realised I was facing the same problem with him , they have been calling each other infront of my daughter and speaking bad about me . I’ve had to stay at my grandmother at the age of 34 because I believed there lies , and thought they where genuine people . some days I see no way out of this and others I feel a bit of strength , it’s so hard and I am awaiting therapy , have you reached out to a professional as yet ? He made sure he never had any ties to me and attacked and tried to fling me out the home we shared with our kids , he would physicollogically , mentally and emotionally abuse me beyond believe , I felt as if I was living in a made up world as I couldn’t prove this c he waited until I was alone before he attacked me to get me out but he would never say he wanted me out or to leave , he made it all my fault when I finally had enough and left , he would tell me absolutely nothing and 8 years later I’ve. No clue who he actually is , he’s trying no to turn my oldest again me , even a simple arrangement of it’s not his way it’s the highway he calls me the controlling one and says I’m abusing him for wanting to fix things and talk about things in our relationship he will tell me if I’m not happy to leave , I’ve left so many times and didn’t realise it was all one big game the entire time , but not only was it a game my own. Mother was also playing along side to push me to the edge so I would hit the drink again and they could have an easy get out clause for there years or torment and torture . it’s horrible , I am trying to get away from it . But trying to do normal day to day things even at the moment is hard , I have to be someone else aside from who I am inside I am a shell of the person I was , I lost my big brother in the middle of this also , and he created havoc then also he is a walking red flag 🚩 how did I not see 😔 I believe they are trying to build a case against me being an alcoholic and a bad mother , I know in my heart this is lies but all I have left is me , against them and there flying monkeys everywhere . Makes me sick to my stomach and the anger and sadness I feel knowing now my biggest nightmare has became a reality they have been plotting all along to have me in the gutter , or dead .
Woooaah. Perhaps I am a narcissist? Because chess is a hobby of mine. I have been playing since early childhood. It calms me down. And in all sincerity, in my experience the I have found the opposite to be true. Those that do not know how to play and find it boring those display the most severe traits of narcissistic personality disorder.
Thank you guys so much, these articles really help. I am just realizing my husband for 31 years is Narcissistis. I have over looked it for years in to thinking it’s me.
About an hour ago he (65 year old man) comes home with his shirt all riped from being in a fist fight. He comes in telling me “what are you doing going around telling people?” “Your telling people I’m a child molester.!” Which he isn’t “You better go confront those people” he called my son and my son calls me “mom what are you going around telling people” first of all I would never say anything like that, why would I? it ruins my character as beinghis wife for 31 years. Second, i dont go around talking to anyone about our problem, i have no friends because of him. I have been isolated because of him for over 17 months. I have been an emotional wreck for quit some time. The Narcissist will go to any extreme to make you look bad, WHY? It refelcts on their character. It has made me even wonder about suicide, but i know better. Why do they isolate the other party? I dont understand why they try to make themself the hero all the time? Why do they think their above rules and laws? I called the cops twice in a month and half over demistic violence and they did nothing, aren’t police trained of manipulators? I know that Narcissistic is a form of mental illness, his family has an high variety of mental illness. My daughter died two years ago. She contracted Dementia psychosis schizophrenic when she turned 19. I have been waiting for this attorney’s appt for over two weeks now, the time has finally came for that appt tomorrow for presuming a divorce or legal separation. Is it possible for Narcissistis to return to a normal partnership with the victim, like they once were. My dreams were us growing old together, being happy, going places together, 31 years is along time. but i truely dont think that will ever happen. It’s a shame, i feel so betrayed, used, downgraded, a failure, misunderstood, devalued, and ashamed and so much more, But i am hopeful that i find that someone that wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them and loved. Please wish me luck for tomorrow and thanks for listening.
Thank you God
My narcissist ex ( ex-wife) not sure she is a narcissist…..sometimes I am starting to have doubts and she makes me believe I am the narcissist…….has been abusing my verbally and sometimes fysically ( then she would laugh at me….how can a woman hurt a man….) for a long time. She always had some explanation….tiredness, stress at work, something I have done she didn’t like….and more, but never apologized. One time she dropped a glass and blamed it on me because she was upset with something I didn’t do. When she lost her keys…often, I was to blame. After 16 years together and two children of 6 and 8…..I decided to take her on her word, she regularly threatened me with lawyers and court, so I took steps and went to a lawyer/mediator….then all hell broke loose, she became a demon. She wanted everything….except she would let me stay in the house for co-parenting because she immediately found a new boyfriend that was even worse than her and not her type…..so the next year both of them tried to manipulate and buy my children and they didn’t have a clue……and me suffering emotionally, financially in silence. She lives around the corner and when I see my kids…..I am allowed to wave, but not approach them, because it’s not my week. Then came a crying telephone call from her, her new boyfriend was fysically violent and did something. The stupid person I was……received her with open arms….the following months we spend time together with the kids, slept over…not more. One evening when she had to work late and I was watching the kids…..she arrived much later….with her mouth, chin and neck all red…..and openly confessed she kissed someone. Couple of days later she doesn’t need me anymore and receive an email from her….with email copy of the lawyer that wants a new arrangement for the kids and such…….
You said it, Jen. It’s another form of crazy-making. Whatever they said, they said we said. Whatever they do, they say we did. And for coverts, it’s all about their getting sympathy, needing to be seen as the victim. Any good they did, they did to make themselves look good to our family, friends, whomever they need to impress. All boils down to the same: narcissists have no regard for us. Your illustration of discarding the bottle after drinking the water is a painfully clear illustration of how they see us, their supply. They only appreciate what they can get from us. Not who we are.
I am glad I finally woke up to this truth. God, heal us!
Amen, Mary Li. It’s such healing to see the truth for ourselves.
Hi Jen. I was married to a narcissist for 23 years. During the divorce we were both tested to see where our issues were. I came back as perfectly normal. He came back as a sociopath.
He has turned my adult children against me. That is my belief. My kids and I were more than close. They shared everything with me. Suddenly, after our divorce, my children started mistreating me. Now 3 out of 4 won’t speak to me. The fourth one has stuck it out and we have worked through a lot of issues. Suddenly she has stopped talking to me too. 3 of my children are married. Each one disnvited me to their wedding. I was so crushed. I have never been so hurt and angry. 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare, fatal disease. It’s been like they just don’t care. They don’t call or write at all. I’m trying to decide how to treat them when I die. I’m tired of walking on eggshells and feeling like they don’t even love me, when I have loved them all of their life. I was devoted.
Anyways, I don’t feel like I even want them to know when I die. Any suggestions?
My story is very much like yours. I was married many years to a man twice my age, married three times already, had children from those marriages, had a long criminal history inc. felony. None of this was revealed until after the wedding. He treated me horribly, was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me, all the while creating a name for himself as a counselor and minister (without credentials)! He made his own rules and thought he was above the law. He convinced everyone that I was crazy and my suicide attempts just reinforced his narrative. He threatened to destroy me if I tried to leave him. I finally did but then he made it his mission to ruin my life. He forced me into bankruptcy, ruined my reputation, and turned our children against me. He met someone online from overseas and left the country, telling everyone he was going to do “ministry “. Then he died, a “hero” and a “wonderful man”. He left a huge financial mess which caused me to lose my house. I haven’t seen my children in years, nor my grandchildren. My faith in God is the only thing that keeps me going, but it’s a daily struggle. Some days the pain is more than I can bear. I don’t know why I wrote all this but just maybe someone will read it and draw some comfort from knowing they’re not alone, they’re not the only one going through this.😥
Thank you. My life is currently a living nightmare! My son is married to a covert narcissist. Her mother is also! My poor son and infant grandson. I have been told by psychologists… I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it! Absolutely devastating and heartbreaking! I firmly believe he is brainwashed (family cult). I am so worried about my son and grandson! God help us all, I pray! Please bring the darkness to light! Amen🙏🏻
I am dealing with similar situation and feel so sad and angry. I have thought about taking my children out of my will and giving to charity. I hope you are doing ok with the illness.
How sad.
Sheesh that was long and I apologize for telling my life story. Didn’t mean to drag on and on, so sorry, I know it’s a lot so don’t even bother reading my nonsense below. But I lost my mom almost 10 years ago, she was there one bff my ex didn’t steal from me but she passed away to sin at just 49 years old. I have zero friends because I have trust issues and I would really love to be able to confide in someone who can relate to past and/or current/ongoing trauma that there narcs have put us through, as well as just have someone to share the good, positive and healthy moments in life with again. Since you’re still struggling to reconnect with the family he stole from you and I too am out here living life as a one person family (well plus my husband but I don’t count him as family in this scenario) then I’d be happy to be your fill in daughter-friend if you’d like to be my fill in momma-friend. Hey, maybe I can even help you work through some things that may need bothering you as I went to school for and received my degree in associates in arts for psychology, concentrating in counseling and am just a couple credits away from my bachelor’s in psychology but couldn’t afford to continue my classes. So between my formal education I’m psychology as well as the many years of lived experience i endured from my traumatic relationship and life after breaking up from the 8 years I was with my daughters narcissistic, physically and mentally abusive pos father I may be able to offer you some sort of comfort, solice, peace and understanding that many others couldn’t give you to help you find that happy place your heart, mind and soul deserve to live in. Oh and to answer your question, as far as being unsure how you’d like to go forth with whatever you decide you your passing, I say cross that bridge when you have to, maybe things will change between them and you by then and hey, if not then I have a better plan. Have You ever heard of that country song from Billy Currington, People Are Crazy? I say show your old family just how crazy you can be and take out a big ole insurance policy on yourself (maybe even “accidently” on purpose leak some info about you having an instance policy and your will being made out and officially filed with the courts and then when the time comes, watch down upon each of their faces as they find out that you left every last bit of everything you had to your new daughter-friend you met on Facebook!!! I mean, I think that would be an incredible way to get back at them for distancing themselves from you when you’ve been the victim all along so how dare them even think for a second they should be entitled to anything more than the love and care you tried and tried and were denied to be able to share with them. If you haven’t heard the song you should look it up and read the lyrics, it’s a good one for sure. So anyways, it’s late and I’m tired of rambling on forever and a day but I do hope to hear back from you about forging our new found “adopted” mom/daughter-friend relationship if you’d like.
I know it’s easier said than done. Beginning at just the sweet, young and innocent age of 17 years old and continuously throughout the next 8 years I was in what I believed to be a normal, miserable relationship with my daughters dad who I’ll just refer to as the “exnarc”. So, exnarc is 5 years older than I am, which means when I was 17 years old and a senior in highschool, he was already 22 years old and later into the relationship, once I had already practically began living with him, i finally was made aware that he was the father of not one, or even two but THREE children, by two different women, one of which against his wishes, I was able to talk him into taking custody of after the little 18 month old girls Mom called to tell me she was taking the little girl and her 9 month old brother (both tested and confirmed to be the exnarcs children) to children’s services and signing over all rights of both children and would be doing it the following day. That phone call was the very first I had ever even learned of their existence, exnarc was completely against going to collect his children from their crazy mother and wanted to let them be signed over to the state. Eventually, I at 17 swore to him id assume all responsibility for both babies and would do whatever it took to give them a loving safe home/family. After making me swear and sign some handwritten contract saying I’d never force him to keep the kids and I had to swear that it we broke up I would take them child(ren) with me and not make him pay child support. I never had to think twice and agreed to whatever he wanted me to just to be able to take custody of his kids. The next when we showed up to collect the kids he suddenly decided that he wasn’t going to take the younger baby, because it was believed that the boy would have developmental delays due to suspected shaken baby syndrome and neglect and there was nothing i could do to change his mind about it. So I became an unofficial mom to an 18 month old angel of a daughter a day after learning of her existence. I raised her 100% as my own child from 18 months until he and I finally spilt up 8 looking traumatic, horrendous exhausting years later. At 19 I gave birth to my one and only biological child, my little girl which made her his 4th and I believe, his last but who knows. After 8 years of raising my (his/our) two girls, we finally spilt and he made very certain that i took both girls with me and had no desire to see them… Until he started dating his next victim, and then the hell I thought I had previously experienced was amplified times a million when suddenly he decides he’s taking full custody of both girls because his new girl friend said she’d always wanted daughters but never had any. So he, who had an awful gambling and pain pill addiction drug my name through the mud, he had all the money and left me penniless, convinced the courts I was unstable and times them I was a junkie when all I did was occasionally smoke some marijuana here and there. He then was given emergency temporary custody because I was completely hysterical and couldn’t afford representation to help meet in court while him, with all his money and his new girlfriend and their experience group of lawyers v stood next to me and told lie upon lie to cause me to react exactly as i did, which made me appear unfit when really i was the sober one, the parent who had raised both girls while he would spend days upon days, and would blow every penny off bill money over and over again at the casino or wherever he’d go while I just continued being a good and loving mom until that very day when his lies tore my entire soul from my body, crushed it and poured my remains into the garbage because beginning on that awful day in court and even all the way until this very day which is almost 20 years later, he has successfully brainwashed the child i raised as my own from 18 months until she was taken from me during that awful day in court at 10 years old, and convinced her that I beat her and was abusive anf neglectful and told her that I never wanted her or my biological child at all. I tried like hell to fight to get them back but sadly in the end, the only thing that wins a court case is whoever brings the biggest bank account, and of course that was not me. I worked part time and had a babysitting business from home but mostly I was busy being the room mom for both of my girls, being the girl scout and Brownie troop leaders for both girls and just doing mom stuff while he worked, gambled and was thought to make several more babies throughout our relationship. All of those things I did with my girls and their troops/classrooms etc was practically erased from their heads and filled with so many untrue, 100% false accusations and rumors off me mistreating my kids. I cried nonstop for weeks because he wouldn’t even allow me to visit my girls, he kept them 100% away from me despite the court ordered visitation schedule, I was so distraught that I lost my full time job at a daycare, which meant i couldn’t pay my car insurance and of course, I was on my way to an interview first thing in the morning on new Year’s Day and slid on black ice, spun around and landed smack dab in the middle of an intersection and caused a brand spanking new Cadillac to smash right in to me. It was my fault because i ran the stop sign while I was sliding in three black ice so I was cited for that and then my license were suspended due to no insurance , and then they towed my totaled car to they impound lot where I left it. So, I lost my kids, lost my job, couldn’t afford all the bills so decided id skip paying my car insurance, which of course meant I was at fault for causing a car accident, so lost my license, lost my car and as I’m sure you guessed, I then lost my house. I lost absolutely every single thing I ever loved and all I had to my name in only a 3 month time span after that day in court when he took custody of our girls because he falsely accused me of being on all sorts of hard drugs even though he knew it was a lie, just to take my kids for his new girlfriend to play Mommy with. He had won. I had nobody, he had long ago turned every one in my fault against, had slept with XXXX claimed to live each and every one of my so called friends simply to prove to me that he was better than I am and promised to prove to me over and over throughout our lives that he has the ability to take anyone he chooses away from me, and has stood true to that promise, and just as recently as right here and now, I haven’t been able to trust anyone, it’s impossible for me to make a friend and trust them around my husband because the exnarc proved over and over that no matter how true I believed my friendship with several of my previous “best” friends was, and no matter how much they swore they’d never betray me, he’s managed to sleep with, date and pretend to be seriously committed to at least 4 or now, it’s 5 different females I thought I could trust with life. The exnarc even tried really really hard to get super close and friendly with my amazing husband who is absolutely the opposite of everything the exnarc is. He was almost successful and I played along and pretended not to notice his games at first but then i suddenly spotted that look in my husband’s eye, he was beginning to fall for exnarcs lies, and he was pretending to be best buds with my husband while feeding him all sorts of bs about me and i didn’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings by being honest and telling him that he’s only being used as a pawn in exnarcs life long game to take anything and everything that I love away from, including my husband. So I tried to first be subtle, but was quickly aware that exnarcs fangs were in a bit too deep already so I just had to be straight and put it all out there for my hubby. I explained exactly how and why and showed him the proof from the last two decades of dealing with exnarc, assuring him i100% knew what I was talking about. Hubby was really taken off guard by my accusations and didn’t want to bribe exnarcs friendly demeanor towards him wasn’t genuine, but that’s because exnarc was good at his game, what he didn’t know is that I had spent the last 20 years learning exactly how he played his game and even sacrificed as couple of my frenemies disguised as a bff just to be able to get a better understanding of how he would make his moves to steal anything that brought me joy. Just because he could. Luckily, once the hurt receded from my hubby’s heart and he was able to clearly evaluate exnarcs behavior and I was finally the one who’s could prove what I knew to be true about every move exnarc would try to make, I was finally the victor and did not let him steal my husband. So what did exnarc do? Well for the first time in at least a decade or more I allowed myself to make a friend. Her and I were very close, it felt incredible to have a female to talk to and confide in again, and of course one of the topics I spilled my guts about was the trauma and abuse exnarc has put me through over and over again during that last 24 years that I’ve known that monster. Well, for Christmas this year the present my BFF gave me was a video of her and exnarc at his work Christmas party, captioned with. My boyfriend, how anyone could live a day without loving this man odd beyond me….. [Names have been removed]
I about puked right then but I just said good, the deserve each other and I hope they both cause the other loads of hurt, pain and never ending trauma because that’s what backstabbing bitches deserve. So, I hope you both receive every last bit of karma you can get. I don’t hope you have a good day at all, I just pray you both have exactly the day, the month, the rest of your entire life just as you deserve to have.
I suspect my ex covert narc is putting forth a smear campaign directed to my son who has children (my grandchildren)…and I recently received some texts from this son that are almost verbatim things my ex would have said about me (hence the suspicion). How do I proceed? I do know that my ex has tried to smear me with his siblings that I remain close to and they have defended me to him and to others. Since my son is an adult, is it beneficial to discuss this with him or to rise above (I do want to have relationships with my grands)? So much has been said about being quiet; however, this recent situation was quite hurtful until I realized that the source may be my ex. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you for what you do, Jen.
You’re welcome! That’s so horrible. But so glad God sees all and He will make amends! It’s always best to let God fight for you instead of trying to defend yourself in a smear campaign.
My soon to be ex is using my son in the same way. This article hits home. He is doing all of this to us.
Sad our children should not have to be pulled into this.
The women he left me for also blogged on your YouTube videos that her ex husband was a narcissist and won’t leave her and her two children alone.. Now she is looking to marry another, mine.
Hello,
I just read your article on Crosswalk.com entitled 5 Warning Signs that You’re Married to a Narcissist. Wow, that article nailed it like none other! And I’ve read a lot of articles about narcissists since my divorce 5 years ago. Thanks for what you do. I can’t wait to read the rest of these because I am still really hurting over the ‘loss’ of my kids and my own family.
One thing about the Crosswalk article: I think you should have emphasized the need to get away from an abuser.
God bless!
Wow, this article really nailed it too! (and yes, he knows how to play chess! That part was funny)
But, the rest is not funny. 5 years after the divorce, my mom and sisters still talk to him on the phone, get together with him, and defend him–when, on the rare occasion, I tell about something he did.
During the divorce, he got my family and the pastor of our church (who had counseled us) to write letters to Friend of the Court and to appear in court on the day of the divorce…so he could get 50/50 custody of our kids. (He was physically abusive to the kids.) So, that enabled him to use the kids as pawns, as you said. And all kinds of other stuff–repeat police calls and false reports, ignoring the parenting time order, rewarding the kids for disobeying me, etc.
As a result, I have had almost no relationship with my son for the past 5 years (haven’t seen him in a year and a half and rarely saw him before that) When my daughter reached 18 years, she moved in with him; didn’t tell me; just left and didn’t come back. Fortunately, I have a relationship with her, but she is convinced that he’s ‘changed’. He has turned my friends against me. Even dated one of them!
My heart aches for my children.
I am still waiting, as you said, for the truth to come out.
Why does my picture show? How can I change that?
It’s either because you have a picture uploaded with your email provider or you signed up for a Gravatar and it’s using the picture you uploaded there (https://en.gravatar.com/). It has nothing to do with anything on my website. The picture would be blank if you didn’t have a picture tied to your email address.
Hi Jen, my ex was an expert at manipulating and using. We were married for 31 years, and I was totally crushed after the divorce. I have adjusted and remarried (6 years ago) but still suffer emotionally due to the experience. Since there is a family business that we started together, and his obvious adultery (he re-married within 2 weeks of our divorce) and my two oldest children still work there. I had surgery, and afterwards he proceeded to take maximum advantage; he moved me out of our home, took my children’s love (for a while), took my job, my car, my personal computer and my cell phone. I remember feeling like a wild animal that had to survive. After the divorce I moved out of state to be closer to family, and a health official there told me I was suffering from PTSD. I have come a long way after 13 years, but it still hurts. I realize now that I need a new purpose. So, I pray that God will open a door for me that I will not be afraid to walk through.
My husband has been emotionally and Phsychologically abusive towards me. We have been married for 20 months and he always has a reason to treat me cruelly. Shortly after we got married, he started speaking with his ex even though we agreed against it prior to marriage. I suggested we speak to someone that we could both be accountable to but he refused. Instead he drew me in closer snd deeper and made me trust that we could deal with issues by ourselves without the need for a third party. It was all a lie, instead he would keep malice with me for days on end. One time, for 7 days. I would cook for is and he would choose not to eat to go out buying food instead. It got to a point shortly before I was pregnant with our first child that he would start sleeping in the living room away from me and only seek to sleep with me for sex. I became his doormat for his emotional needs while he neglected my own needs.
He cleverly isolated me from my relationships with friends, from serving in church which I used to do before meeting him. This kept me somewhat grounded. Now that I see it, he was only after me living and breathing for him. He attacked me whenever my parents called to check up on me. Controlled my mobility, questioned my calls, texts, social media engagements, bank accounts, scrutinizing my diary, rummaging through my belongings and more. All of these truly affected me and I kept covering up. We eventually started counselling and though it was working for a while, it got worse with the verbal abuse and intimidation and death threats. He started speaking to another woman and would leave the house consistently at 18:00 to return most times at midnight. He has slighted me and locks me out throwing the keys through the window at me to let myself in even though I called and consistently knocked to be let in for an hour. He would verbally abuse me and crush me. Compare me to this other woman telling me Im not good enough or beautiful enough.
He has threatened to divorce me and always has. He has turned some of my friends against me and the pastor against me. Unfortunately, because of the wounds and deep seated pains in my heart and mind, I act out of character by shouting because he wouldn’t listen to me. When I try speaking, he plays music out loud to drown my voice.
The verbal and physical abuse has gotten to much for me. I am torn and reading this post is helping me to understand the gravity of his actions and what he wants to do to me. He gets to people before me and by the time it’s my turn to speak, it’s not worth it because he has already painted the picture of what he wants. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle and now have to protect myself and child. I really dont want a divorce but I am being forced down that way. What should I do? The situation is getting worse by the day!
Sheila…your self worth is all you need to be happy. You must find the strength. I know I was gaslighted, and manipulated. Husband cheating relentlessly. I left. The best thing I ever did was leave with my son.
My EX did these things and when I tried telling what “IT” did no one believed me… I nearly died because of “IT” …putting rat poison in my food and beverage, I was slowly getting sick and more sick I miscarried and I eventually found out what was happening stopped seeing that person and then slowly got my health back …😊 then I met my other half who loves me for me he speaks up for me makes me laugh with his sense of humour got pregnant several times …. Even though my babies are waiting for me in Heaven my husband is the best blessing I have received in my lifetime!! He has cancer is slowly ready to part from this life but I will always love him straight to the moon and back, he had me at hello but I refuse to say farewell or goodbye…😥Been crying for a long while now don’t think that will ever stop…Our families have disowned us and we have no friends to speak of just people who say they care but never call or write.. We will always believe in God.By the way may Be bless you always, Amen
Gosh I have just read your article and its made me have a clearer picture. My husband is a classic narcissist. I have finally started divorce proceedings, had him removed from the home etc. He is playing the complete victim with our friends he is being believed. I just dont go out anymore unless I have to, until the divorce is final. I have my girls as he hasn’t tried for them yet. He tells everyone I was crazy and yet it was just me being emotional and trying to get my husband to stop. He has connected with his grown up children from his previous marriage on the basis that I had stopped him seeing them. Totally untrue of course he never had a good word to say about them. I feel so lonely inside and would love to tell the truth of my marriage and how my children and I managed to escape him but because I could not pretend anymore I became the worst in the world.
My ex narcissist is telling his children the same….I wouldn’t allow him to see or help them. Total lie of course! He has reconciled with his sister that he hated, I’m sure more lies to make it seem that I forced him to act nasty toward them. It is hard not to try to defend yourself, but also knowing it only makes us look like a crazy ex. Hope things are better for you. <3
What do I do if I’m the child in this situation. My mother uses me as her scape goat and treats me like it’s my fault my father left her. She tells lies to my two siblings to make me look like a horrible person. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like im drowning and I just can’t get out. I have no one because of her, they all believe the lies she tells. I just don’t have the strength anymore to do this, I am exhausted. It’s gotten to the point where i think she finally believes all the lies she created about me. Everytime I stand up for myself someone else jumps in the ring to put me down in a way I didn’t even think was possible.
Have you read the “Boundaries” book? If not, I would consider checking it out from your library or buying it for your mobile device. It doesn’t help specifically with narcissists but there is a story about a mother and a daughter that might help you start to establish some boundaries with your mother. I can relate and have been there with my own boundary-pushing mother and the Boundaries book really help me to understand what I could be doing differently and how to get rid of that stress and resentment.
Erika, if you are under 18, stay in school and study hard to keep your grades up. Eventually you will graduate and be able to go away to college or get a job and your own apartment. Take care of yourself physically by eating good food and exercising (PE class or sports). If your school has a guidance counselor, talk with them. Ultimately you need to keep an inner voice inside your head that tells you your not crazy or stupid, and to just hang on, that things are only temporary. Scapegoats are chosen because they are strong and resilient. You are able to overcome this. You got this!
Thank you! My daughter was obvious to some people, til she got older and practiced. Now she is so good at it. The horrible lies and twisting of situations she tells! If I didn’t know me, I would have little respect for me, too. I’ve just found out more, and feel like I’ve lost the last bit of family. I was told I need to forgive her past. I have…it’s the ongoing lies and act that is hurting me! She sent my sister Mother’s Day flowers. She hasn’t acknowledged me in over ten yrs! My sister explained it’s because she doesn’t know my number. Which I’ve had for at least 15 yrs! Her daughter has it, I told my sister. She told my sister that my granddaughter dropped her phone in water and lost all the numbers. Did she try to contact me? No! I immediately texted my granddaughter, and her phone was fine. I didn’t tell her about her mother’s lie. My granddaughter is 20 now…and just now talking to me a little. She began sharing with her step mother, who raised her, some things said about me, and her step mother, who knows me set her straight…I was shocked at the things she was told! My nieces keep playing a game of trying to throw us together, and my daughter looks like the magnanimous martyr. I’m ready to draw back into my own world with my own friends, and just let them all think what they want. It’s very lonely to be old and have no family that respects you.
Ginger, I can totally understand that. I know how hard it is. I pray God shows you to people in His family to help fill that loneliness void.
I was married 23 years to one. I see now how I was used. I worked 40 + hours a week plus taking care of the house, kids, shopping and school. He would make comments to me when no one was around so I would not have proof he accuses me of cheating. Tells me to work 2 jobs because he doesn’t want to work. He was pretending to pay the bills one year all the while he was buying drugs and meeting his friends wife everyday. I found out he was in trouble with drugs and owed the dealer a large sum of money, he told the dealer to have me and the kids killed so he could collect the insurance and pay him. We lost everything except my car. I was in hiding for over 6 months with the kids. Once divorced I received an email from his friend telling me they used to meet once a week and the 3 would have sex together and it went on for 6 years. I never could catch him at anything he was really good at covering up his steps. He turned our 2 sons against me. he does not see our daughter at all, because he cannot control her. I am the blame for everything that happened Well my son died when he was 26 of course it was my fault I had not seen my son for 8 years I tried to but was ignored, once our son passed away my ex thought I would co sign for a loan to pay for the services ( I did not) I requested 2 separate contracts than I found out he wanted to barred me from the funeral.
I pray every day that my son will see his father for who is really it and that my Ex never gets ahold of my daughter and granddaughter.
I want to secretly leave with my two little girls I’m so tired of the lies.
I am not alone.
It is very isolating being invalidated but I know now I am not alone.
Thank you.
You’re welcome!
Hi, Jen. Is there a way to print only the text of this article to share? My story is long and spans 39 years so I won’t try to recap it. Suffice it to say the narcissist in my life succeeded in his goal after my daughter got into college. Were it not for being able to trust that God knows it all, I would have committed suicide. I wish you could be on every morning show in the country to spread the truth about this vicious individuals.
If you have “reader” capabilities on your phone or computer, you could print that page. If not, I am not sure. Just appreciate people not copying/pasting the words to any other document, especially without giving credit.
I’m so happy I came across this article. My boyfriend passed away in December by suicide. Before his death we were in dispute about his ex wife’s extreme need to interfere and her lack of boundaries like calling him all the time, she even showed up on our vacation and stayed at the same hotel room next to us and the kids. She came a day early to hang out before taking their kids on a separate trip. She tried to buddy up to me and people started calling her my sister wife, and it was driving me crazy! I was out of town when my boyfriend took his own life. Of coarse she found him by letting herself into his house, she called his mom and sister to notify them then called my family, before finally calling me. I got to town and she acted like my best friend until his family came to town. I’ve only met his family once in the 8 years we were together. She got everyone convinced that we weren’t together, she was his best friend, and I caused his suicide. I was alienated from the services, downplayed in the obituary, and the ex wife had all old pictures up of them together. Super weird! Even some of my friends and family don’t talk to me because she’s been busy trying to gain alliances. It’s just sick! I was his girlfriend for 8 years but since she has his kids, his family bows to her and doesn’t even care to know about any of my perspectives. I’m locked out of the house and forced to go to court over my belongings! She even lets my relatives drive my boyfriends vehicles around to hurt me!
This is the 8th Easter that I will be alone-Not allowed to see my family-grandchildren,sons,-or anyone i love-due to my DIL-she talked everyone into DUMPING me-using lies, manipulation, etc,
I am dead to everyone-FOR NO REASON AT ALL. she blackmailed me and my son–demanded that my own son DUMP me-or she would hurt him.Believe it or not-at the same time-my so-called FRIENDS-literally-took our home-property theft-set-ups,, -you name it, because im -i guess-too nice- too kind-and i was taken advantage of because of that,-by everyone-I have been alone-every day-for so so many years-I learned my lesson-and know that nice people shouldnt be nice-to those that continue to use and abuse me-over and over-exploit me just because they can-even keeping my pay-after i worked for them-and even more horrible things-INTENTIONALLY done-to shut me up about their crimes-including the property thefts still happening-today, to innocent people in my neighborhood–and it sounds like i am crazy-or paranoid-but thats what they want-to discredit me -tell everyone I am nuts-while they get away with anything they want-and noone cares-or believes me.-anyway, and-CAMERAS DONT LIE, -so i hope people wake up-soon-and see the truth-before its too late-and they are homeless- or worse. -like so many i have seen-poor souls that dont deserve to be treated like garbage-used abused-then discarded-like me.-and left with nothing-and nobody-just because i trusted the wrong people-but-these were lifetime friends-i thought-for 30 years or so, they told my DIL that Im delusional-even though theres physical-and written-proof-that nobody wants to look at. – of their crimes. -because they dont want to be known as mentally ill-and that is what they say and use-so to discredit thier victims.-so nobody believes them, and they got my family to, basically-believe them-and to go against me too-they gave my DIL the fuel to start the hate-and she was already looking for a reason to destroy me-and so she-and everyone in my life-family, friends,[fake] neighbors, etc, stabbed me in the back-over an over-to get what they wanted-our property, my internet has been hacked-and they laugh,-they think that hurting kind trusting people is a hoot,-and all of them-to this day-use peoples kindness-against them-because to them-kindness is weakness-and weak people deserve to be exploited-by terrorists-like them. my home had been robbed-over and over-cats killed-poisoned-all over town,-and theres nothing i can do about it-and nobody wants to know-and i know most of these people involved-some have by now -ratted out the others-worried that they will get off on their nasty crimes-and since there is no honor amoung thieves-they are all-blaming the others-worried -because people are starting to notice -they are getting too greedy, -destroying the creek-a salmon run-on my and others, property-has been desecrated-THEY KILLED ALL THE FISH-and they dont care,-on woods creek–Im hoping that they are going to be caught-but until someone-anyone-cares enough-to just LOOK-the damage and land thefts, robberies -etc,-have gotten out of control,-and my insurance co, doesnt want anything to do with any of this-because they claim-they are not required to pay-on terrorist crimes-and i dont have any-TERRORIST INSURANCE_WHAT?????? so-terrorists can dp anything they want-i guess-and nobody cares-????really? these are sociopath terrorists-and no-im not crazy-this is real, id be willing to take a lie detector-to prove all i have said-even the FBI says-to have my insurance co -check it out-ins, company-wont touch it, this is what people who have no conscience do-exploit all, sorry so long-I have nobody left-in the world-to talk to-please if any of you see what is happening-REPORT IT
PLEASE____
My husband claims to be a christian yet has turned our daughter against me. He refused to discipline the entire time our children were growing up, so I had to be the disciplinarian. Others have pointed this out but my husband refuses to acknowledge the truth. He wants everybody to like him. Has anyone experienced this?
Now, our adult daughter has completely cut me off. She holds holidays at her house and only invites my husband, and what’s worse, he goes! Even in the face of such raw disrespect.
Our daughter was in tight with our son’s wife and the two of them with my husband would disrespect me terribly. It’s really a sick dynamic. When our daughter comes over my husband flutters around like his girlfriend is visiting – it’s really weird. He runs out to her car and helps her in and acts like she’s the best thing since sliced bread.
When our daughter calls him he’ll run off to another part of the house so he can talk in secret. There’s another woman in our marriage but it’s our daughter!
I don’t know how to handle this. I’m badly disabled and in severe pain a lot. I have thought of leaving because nothing ever changes – it’s the same old same old with our daughter cutting me out of my grandchildren’s lives, but my choices are limited. My grandson only calls me when he wants me to buy him something. I raised him while my daughter was out catting around but she’s turned my grandson against me.
My husband refuses to put his foot down with the disrespect. He even bragged to me that the kids are on his side. How does one deal with this mental illness in a family? How can I step out of it?
Terri-I really do feel your pain. My ex was not just a “Christian “ but a minister. (He got his credentials off the internet!). He always claimed that (all) women were “manipulative b******”. I didn’t think he really meant that but as it turned out he really did! He was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him because 1) I was terrified of what he would do to me if I left as he had promised to ruin me if I tried, and he would turn my own children against me. 2) I really believed that I could change him if I just loved him enough and prove that I wasn’t like all those others (3 ex wives). Boy-was I wrong! It got to the point where I tried to take my own life-he told everyone I was trying to manipulate their emotions and don’t give in to her “drama”. (He was also a counselor, no credentials of course). Finally, I told him to leave and get help, at which point he became the biggest victim ever. He had no intention of getting help because he didn’t need it. He then proceeded to destroy me in every way possible. He ruined my reputation and worst of all, turned my children and family against me. Today is my youngest grandchildren’s birthday-they are triplets and turn 15 today. I have not seen them since they were very small. It has been the worst part of this whole experience because they are innocent and their mother has punished them as well as me based on lies her father told her. After all these years I have finally decided that my kids are all adults and it is their choice to remain estranged and not even bother to seek the truth. The grandkids is a different story. My heart truly aches for them. They had their grandma ripped away from them for no good reason other than the selfishness of their parents. My faith in God is what gives me strength and keeps me moving forward. I have a certain measure of peace although it is still painful. I don’t understand but I do know there is a lot of evil in this world and it is getting worse, day by day. Trust God. He knows you and He knows your situation. Find comfort in that.
My own mother along with my ex and Her mother, have successfully turned my kid against me!! Whats worse is that my kid teams up against me with my mother!! Had I known this was the price of having a Family, or trying to have a Family, I would not have bothered, I absolutely regret having tried!!
Jen
Yes, my experience was the same as yours with the exception that I am male and the narcissistic abuse I suffered for 33 years (and longer) was at the hands of the one I had committed myself to in marriage and twice (that I know of she committed adultery). Then, when I divorced her after trying unsuccessfully for nine months to save our marriage I finally had to see the wood for the trees and realise that her current supply was more important to her than all the years of marriage that we were together and that there was no hope for our marriage. To say that the hurt pain and disappointment was extremely traumatic and painful which turned my life upside down is a complete understatement. Nevertheless even after putting some serious distance between us she has now resorted to her plot to break up my relationship with my only son and his wife with her conniving, scheming and plan to discredit my character and integrity to the point where she has painted me to be the one who effectively caused her to commit adultery. The sad thing is that my wife and son has bought into her lies and as a result I very much feel sidelined in the relationship that I once enjoyed with my son and his wife.
I’m in a massive campaign. I have a toddler with him and older children.
He got custody of our toddler, stopped me seeing her. I went through enforcement and he was found in breach of court orders.
He has spent the past few years telling everyone i’m mad, which I proved wasn’t true.
He now has my adult daughter living in one of his houses. She won’t speak to me. He’s also teamed up with my ex husband had him staying over his house.
I don’t think it gets any worse than this.
I’ve just had them report me for benefit fraud, thankfully I was innocent and proved it.
Its never going to stop.
No one can see he’s killing me. I was the bad guy for leaving after fifteen years. Divorce is worse than taboo in my family that cares way too much about how they look to the community. It’s rural Arkansas, so um yeah. A church, a beauty shop, and a bank on every block and my dad had to be the mayor. I digress. I wanted to show my two kids that you have to go out and create your own happiness, find your purpose, live with passion, blah blah blah, save the world, love conq.. anyway a bunch of naive bs that did get me out. I had nothing but my car and good credit since I had been coerced into a full time coaching position for the last eight years as a volunteer. I decided I would finally finish the one semester I lacked at the U of A even if it meant driving an hour and a half each way to classes. I did that and worked evenings and weekends while still making time to be present for my kids and their activities, albeit with a social theory book in hand. It was one semester. I went from sleeping in my car to weekly one room cabin that felt like a spa, to graduating, getting a job, and renting a perfect little house with everything in it earned entirely by me. My son had a room I’d help him make into a space he’d like and my daughter was off to college. Omg independence felt so amazing. In less than a year I was caught up on rest and filled with hope for the future for the first time in two decades. I had exciting projects taking off. I needed the divorce and so made arrangements to meet an attorney. It was March of 2020 and he had just flown back from DC. I got COVID. It was early on and I wasn’t old enough to get tested. I wanted help not a test but got neither. Only phone calls with my family doctor when I couldn’t breathe and was in and out of consciousness being ravaged by all that COVID had. No one seemed to care. My doctor retired April of 2020. I could barely get from my bed to the bathroom after six weeks. Not one sole called or messaged or offered even a piece of bread. Not my immediate family, extended family, or anyone in the community I had loved for over 40 years. No job. No health insurance. No help whatsoever except my ex bringing me groceries and lamenting about how awful my family was being to me. He was outraged at the difficulty I was having accessing medical care. He did bring me my nebulizer which no doubt saved my life on a few occasions. He would bring me necessary items I was just grateful to have. Lost in my lingering COVID state of mind was that these were my belongings he was so generously storing for me.. along with every other worldly possession of mine that i gave up when I left. Weeks turned into months. I was still so sick that I wasn’t assured of the next day sometimes of the next hour. My kids had him take me to the ER one particularly difficult day. The trip left me traumatized. I never saw a doctor. I was mocked and treated like no human should be treated. Then, after not being on my feet for nearly three months, I was pointed to a door. I held onto the wall looking for anyone to help. A nurse looked at me and said not to worry the alarm won’t go off on the emergency exit door she was pointing to. I was on the cold concrete in the dark somewhere in the back of a hospital trying to find enough strength not to die and to call my only option, my ex to rescue me. Just one more experience that was hard to believe. In a life that seemed to have more than my fair share of such experiences. FF to October and he had so kindly brought our son to see his sick, lonely mother on her birthday. What a great dad. I was focused on survival and confused beyond all understanding why no one would even respond to my desperate pleas for help. As if on cue, my phone, that hardly ever has a signal, goes off. I knew Mom, or Dad, or Meagan (my sister) somebody was sending a happy birthday message with any offering of support of any kind. I wasn’t raised by cruel people that would abandon their own when they needed them most. It was a message from my ex who was standing about three feet from me. It was a message he meant to send to his apparently serious girlfriend that he had never mentioned anything about to me. It has been long enough that a girlfriend wouldn’t be a problem for me. The deception necessary to hide a girlfriend that he was exchanging I love yous with was hard to swallow as I’m reading my phone. It was in that moment reading his words shit talking me, on my birthday while standing right beside me that my blinders came off. I cannot unsee his endless cascade of lies that touch everything. Things it never would have occurred to me to question. Under every stone I turned was another lie. He tried a couple of times to offer up some ridiculous story that even he knew I wouldn’t be buying ever again. He tried some I still love you bull crap for about a day and then he flipped a switch. I was angry for the 15 plus years I was lied to and made to believe I was the problem. Years of unhappiness and counseling and bending over backward to relieve him of pain I was sure I was the cause of. The guilt.. the years of guilt and never being able to understand what was so wrong with me that I couldn’t fix. He knew the source of his unhappiness all along and was more than fine with placing that burden on me. He used me. He let me hurt when the pain was not mine to hold. I was an object to control. My feelings my suffering my losses meant nothing. My life and who I am as a person don’t exist to him. Only a narrative created by him and for him filled with unsuspecting pawns he can manipulate by exploiting their empathy and trust. He sees nothing of the cruel robbery of another humans valid life. He sees only that it’s his right to live his life. I’m writing this July 25, 2023. We are divorced. He had me sign papers when I was so sick I cannot even recall my signing. He made the agreement look as if he’s the generous saint he pretends to be. My years of volunteering left me dependent on SSI for medical care and basic survival. He skillfully convinced my doctor amid countless rounds of golf that I was indeed crazy. Whatever was written in my medical record the month I got COVID before my doctor retired has affected all subsequent encounters. I suspect he told the ER the same lies adding some kind of alcohol problem for me considering the comments that seemed strange at the time. I’m finally seeing doctor’s outside his reach. It’s not easy navigating our healthcare system while very sick. It’s compounded even more if your records state that in some way you are crazy. I have no family or friends or otherwise stepping forward to refute his devastating lies because they too believe I’m crazy. He walks on water to this community. If everyone says I’m the horrible person he’s made me out to be, then it must be true. I’ve begged for someone anyone just hear me out but no one has. My kids are confused and angry. They’ve been convinced I’m not sick and anything short of miraculously being healed disgusts them. I’ve spent every day for almost three years trying to find out what is wrong so I won’t be sick anymore. My ex plants doubt in every relationship my kids have and undermines every bond they have that is not with him. I’ve tried to use the limited time I’ve been given with them to show them how wonderful they are and that love and acceptance will provide them more opportunities for success and happiness than judgement and hate that will always be self limiting. They are being robbed of a fair chance at happiness. Their father props himself up on a false moral high ground to degrade the character and trustworthiness of anyone who might influence the kids in any way that wasn’t under his control. His ideal false world will accept no story lines not written by him. When the kids feel unable to trust they will keep returning to him who only speaks I’ll of others out of his deep care and concern. He then cannot fill the voids he creates when undermining their connections to everyone not him. They will not understand their loneliness and the confusion he causes breeds anger. There is nothing more painful than watching my babies hurt and not being able to comfort or help them because they’ve been made to believe I’m the cause of their pain. No one can see he’s killing me and hurting my precious babies. He took everything from me. My kids are the reason I have faught this long. Taking them has made it almost impossible to breathe. Stress and isolation kills. I was referred last week to the Myeloma Center at UAMS . Figuring out how to get there once I have an appointment is as far as I’m looking because facing life that’s any harder is too much to consider. I haven’t spoken to him in almost two years. He’s a win at all cost guy that will destroy anything he cannot control. He won’t stop until I’m dead or locked away. No one can see he’s killing me.
Your article “accurately” characterizes my situation from the male’s perspective. My divorce from my narcissistic ex-wife occurred over a decade ago. It took me two and a half years to resolve the issue because she deliberately drew it out. To this day, I am considered the guilty party because I instigated the divorce for my own peace of mind. In addition, I am currently rectifying the effects of parental alienation on my three adult children.
My husband of twenry-nine years successfully turned my mother and my sister against me (and against the most successful of our four adult children). It took me a year and a half to connect the dots, after the smear campaign was well under way. I was being accused of odd, specific things that only he would accuse me of. When my birth family parroted these lies, I knew it was coming from him. I originally thought they were ganging up on me of their own accord as I had always been the family scapegoat, and he used that to his advantage. I went no contact with them and it freaked him out. He wasn’t expecting that, and then he upped his controlling abuse. He doesn’t want a divorce although he’s threatened it. In the past, I would cry and beg to do whatever to save the marriage. Not anymore. He threatens and I say, “Good idea, get the paperwork!” He’ll keep me around to get some perks, but I gray rock and truly dream of peace on my own. If I can get financially stable, I will leave him, but for now, I’m treading water. Sucks at 54 to start over though, and there are many good memories that I’m trying to come to terms with that were fake. I’m broken on the inside but making good progress healing. It’s a tremendous relief to know in my heart that I am not the defective one. I’m normal! But there is a type of grief to go through.
My brother’s wife made my life as hell, manipulated everyone around me. They made everyone around me tell me whom to talk to whom not to. Made me say sorry to her using victim card at my own parents home. And today I am hurtful of what my family did to me. I feel something is really broken inside that I cry all the time and hatred is left in me.
Thank you for sharing your story, I know I’m not alone in my ordeal. I’ve been in a relationship so I thought for 14 years. I found myself loving a narcissist, for years manipulation by this person of wanting to get married. Every time the subject came up about marriage he would start and debate about the issue.
Moving forward, we decided to move in together the and finally deciding to get married. For the last 2 two years of dealing with the gaslighting, ghosting, and telling lies to one of my family members, always playing the victim and accusing me constantly for the relationship issues, when I expressed my feelings, I began to think I was losing my mind. I was too embarrassed to let my friends and family know what I was dealing with.
I lost a part of me in the process, it’s a horrible experience to have to live and love a person who don’t have empathy, and not capable of loving.
I’ve finally made a decision to take my loss and remove myself out of this toxic livelihood dealing with his demonic spirits traits, the way he would look at me, as if he hated every inch of me. I started feeling depressed and just didn’t care anymore when I told him how I was feeling his reactions was I was a perfectionist, and could take criticism, among a list of other things, I was accused of being private, yet he never shared anything such as his finances yet he knew all of my personal information. I could go on and on, I’m sure there many stories from others.
Anyone dealing with Narcissist it’s unhealthily get out, and don’t look back.
As I write and post my experience without his knowledge I will be out before Christmas 2023.
I hear you I have the same situation and it’s heart breaking I’ve lost my brother and now she’s working on the rest of my family Thankfully my mum sees through her lies but she has played the victim so well I feel like just cutting them all off so I don’t have to be accused and blamed any more. Big hugs to you I TOTALLY understand your pain
I was literally brought to tears reading this article. It was the first time that I felt like someone actually understood exactly what I have went through and I’m still going through. I divorced my ex about four years ago and this behavior still continues. He was an alcoholic, who was mentally abusive and was financially destroying us without my knowledge. Taking out loans that I didn’t know about, they were liens against our home, cheated on me multiple times. My 12 year old daughter also passed away and that was just the last straw. She had been very sick her whole life and I never felt like I could leave. As soon as I got fed up and filed for divorce, he started running to every family member and friend I had ever had immediately and telling them how horrible I was and that I was leaving him for another man (which was completely made up). He convinced my grandparents to stop speaking to me. We have a son who was seven at the time, he is 11 now. I have videos and voice recordings of him telling my son that mommy is a whore, mommy doesn’t love us that’s why she is divorcing daddy. Mommy hates you, so you have to tell everyone that you are scared of her and she is mean to you so that you can come and live with me. He even paraded eight of his friends/family members in the court room to tell the judge how awful I was, and how wonderful he is. Two of those people were my very best friends. The judge, of course, saw right through it all. I also had video evidence of most of it. They originally took his visitation away, then, allowed supervised visitation, then finally allowed him to have regular visitation. Since then I have dealt with a lot of mental abuse from my son. One minute he loves me and is complaining about his dad constantly calling him, drunk, yelling at him for having fun at my house, and telling him lies. But most of the time he is telling me how much he doesn’t love me and he loves his dad more and he wants to go live with his dad. He says it’s all my fault that he doesn’t get to live with his Dad, his dad has had three DUIs back to back plus a couple felony convictions for embezzlement and grand larceny. Yet somehow he manages to stay out of jail. His parents pay a lot of money for attorneys. He has a breathalyzer to start his vehicle and an ankle monitor. Yet after all that, everyone still thinks that he is amazing. No one believes me that he’s an alcoholic. But my best defense was just not caring what people think. I didn’t even try to defend myself to a single person. If they believed him, I just caught all ties with them immediately. Including my grandparents. I ended up meeting an amazing man who showers me with love and respect every day. I don’t regret anything that led me to him. But it is breaking my heart that my son hates me so much for reasons that are completely untrue. Even though he knows that his dad is a liar because he catches him and lies constantly , he still believes every single thing his dad tells him about me.
I overheard a group say they were going to implant audio implants in a person to make them think they were hearing voices! found now out there is many ways to do that iwith nvisible head phone tooth and and deep body internl impantabels of all kinds!
They would pay a dental type doctor or doctor friend or FBI type cop or most likely impersoantor (?) who was not anymore like retired or fired……to tell doctor they need the implant for mental problems and tracking they did not have or to implant then to try brian wash or make them feel like they were watched, stalked and even force them out of the area with various break ins and hope to get them to do stuff that cops could labe him or her for..like sex offneder, threats, missing items, pet murder threats, damge to outside gardens and cars hoping for accident exctera and to make them felll worthless it was all about revnenges , racism and jealousy and because of thier colored new famley, who moved to a white neighborhood or other nighborhood because they did not belong there or it was a new made up scam type situtaion!! Internet has all kinds of web sites on the issue, You tube has all sorts of videos on this and bokks in store also!
The person and group left and I had no way to locate or find out whom they were as i went to get food and they left i also thought it was vague or maybe I was not trying to listen but i was like thinking that would be a heck of a crime if that happened!
All I know is thoses new hearing implantables and bio hacking and brain implants could be frightenning stuff in the wrongs hands! Found out you could go broke trying to find someone to help you if you don’t hava a lot of money and in a scam it would meake them money said sistuation!!
Jen, thank you for an article that I can send to the one daughter who needs to hear someone else say the same things that I keep trying to make her understand; I NEVER GIVE UP, but when the writing clearly shows that my bf of 15 years is a TRUE NARCISSIST FROM DAY ONE ALONG WITH BEING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND COMPULSIVE CHEATER WHILE CREATING THIS PERSONA OF PERFECTION WHILE SPOILING EVERYONE WITH HIS MONEY…he made the mistake of trying to keep me away from my 2.5 year old grandson, my best friend!
We had the “throw me in the garbage dump” while he tried to get away with ANOTHER WORK AFFAIR that i was able to put a stop on the hotel part but not his obsession with their online sex stuff. She was eventually fired, so he found a 27 year old, (he is 68). I promise you that this is absolutely the truth, i have all documents to prove it. He spent $200,000.00 as an “experiment and he said one time indulgence “ to try and get her to marry him”? With all of this and my text messages showing his continued lies, my daughter stays on his side, after all, he gave her $300,000.00 as a down payment in her home!
I still have my oldest daughter and my son on my side, which will not change. To just find out 15 years later that i have trauma bond with a narcissist who has been the most amazing generous person to everyone but me, (taking care of my kids is taking care of me)…The embarrassment of his lies to cover up his actions that i have proof of is what hurts the most?
I can show my family, but I cannot show his colleagues and friends. From the texts that I just saw to my daughter, i now understand how he speaks DOWN about me when I have been the person to give him EVERYTHING ALWAYS, his true listener, supporter, SEX GODDESS, etc… HE FOOLISHLY FOOLED ME! I have a lot of time to make sure the world knows who he IS NOT!
Hi Jen,
My step daughter started asking me strange questions but I didn’t realise the smear campaign was in full swing. I had a husband convincing me to stay at home and rest but behind my back it was a different story. Both of his parents narcissists I was beginning to learn all about it then caught him in an online relationship probably the tip of the iceberg. He then flipped all his bad behaviour onto me. A campaign was mounted to try to make me feel crazy that was so intense I wrote a shell of a book that will be rewritten. He is highly intelligent and charming it was frightening. Things escalated then his white rages really scared me. The last straw was violence when he pushed me onto the floor and said he was going to ring the police though he was violent. I thought for my safety I had better get out which I did.
Jen everything you said 100% happened to me like a text book. He had a motive to take from me. Since divorcing I have never looked back. All of our friends but 2 abandoned me after a 25 year marriage. My step children were angry I took control of what my father gave me. They didn’t ask me if I was ok. It was a calculating period of discard followed by abuse plus he was not alone there was a support by his side helping his plans some lover. It was hard to believe but I left. Through leaving I have found the best thing ever in my life – myself. It is a pretty wonderful find there are many who don’t get there. With people like you Jen they do. I was very happy to read what you wrote it gives people strength including me 3 years after my divorce. To know facts that are exactly the same on a certain level as mine is worth its weight in gold. Thank you I salute you.
Ally
I’m in an overly long and delayed process of trying to get divorced from my abusive narcissist ex…
He smeared me in court on the abuse case, telling the officer and anyone else who would listen, that everything I said was a lie, how HE was the victim…..when he finally got visitation with the children, he went into the bathroom with my daughter, and was showing her pictures and telling her that I’m mean, he never hit me, look what I did to him, I beat him up…on multiple occasions now, he told her that I’m a liar, I’m a douchebag, that I hit my oldest (not his child)…did nothing but ignore and neglect them while he was living with us, leaving me to bear all responsibilities, provided nothing…No, he is dragging out the divorce case, has yet to pay ANY child support….it sucks; so many days I wake up fearful and dreading him having visits, and the entire process right now. I know he doesn’t feed them(even though he has them “for dinner”) ; he keeps them outside for most, if not the entire, visit, regardless of the weather and how cold or rainy it is(he’s playing the “homeless” card, so that he can’t be served papers).
I wish I could say it’s comforting to see others sharing their experiences, but mostly I’m grieved that so many have gone through this, as well as the others suffering through it in silence, feeling so alone and lost and broken. I have a lot of healing to do from this relationship, it sucked A LOT of my life out of me. I have no support system, no friends, and My family does very little. It is hard to not feel hopeless sometimes.
Seeing and realizing that others have gone through this, and come out on the other side better than they left it, is wonderful encouragement.
I know that my children are safe and loved and cared for as long as they are with me, and I do my best to cherish every moment.
Thank you for writing this piece, and thank you to all of the wonderful survivors and fighters sharing their stories. You give me hope that my children & I will get through this, and to stay positive. We all need encouragement sometimes. Thank you all for providing it.❤️
I’ll add my story to the list—I’ve lost all of my adult children to my ex’s lies, even though I have legal paperwork and all kinds of evidence that I am being lied about. I have a couple of life-threatening health conditions and I’m disabled, but no one believes that—they believe I’m lazy, even though I function quite well when I’m not sick and keep active. People believe that I never do anything but sit all day, and that my ex raised the kids single-handedly, while that was really me, even when I was desperately ill. He kept us all isolated, so there weren’t many witnesses, and the people who saw me taking kids out and running errands, or doing yard work, all seem to have forgotten. The kids seem to have been brainwashed and remember all kinds of things that never happened. Meanwhile my ex screams at his current wife in front of the kids and they think that’s fine. I have literally one person left in my entire state, and one person in another state. I still live in isolation. I’ve managed to make a decent life for myself in this hell, but it’s incredibly lonely, and sometimes I’d wonder why I bother, except for my pets.
At what point is it considered abuse and can someone reach out for help from a women’s shelter? My friends boyfriend has been doing all of this and taking her keys, phone, money, changing her passwords, car battery, ID, money cards, and now her daughter. He has convinced the daughter and family that she is drinking gallons of alcohol and trying to take her daughter away from her school to be with another guy and is being neglectful and not contributing so that especially when it comes time to not allow her daughter to do something he over rides her and takes her to the family members. It’s to the point that the family doesn’t ask her permission to come pick up her daughter, they ask the boyfriend and let him pick her up at any point without permission even though it’s not her dad and would give her to him instead of her. They have been together for several years and it all just started getting this bad but signs throughout. He’s in her phone, her accounts, and makes it nearly impossible to hold a job, and wants her on pills to make her more compliant. He is verbally abusive, and some other sexual situations that I am not at liberty to discuss but would be considered immoral and likely illegal. He is dating many other people as well. She woke up with a bruised face and head but everyone said they don’t know what happened and she has no recollection, so we’re not certain physical abuse is present. She is afraid of not being able to get her child and leave, and the vehicle situation when he leaves her keys or she finds them hidden is one in both of their names with payments and the other being hers but no battery and low reliability. She’s afraid that he will use the phone or vehicle to find her. He told her she changed her password to her phone not him but then miraculously guessed the password, she used her phone to change various passwords and he changed everything right back. But will still gaslight her and deny everything.
I left to go out of town to visit my older sister for 2 weeks. When I returned, (After 25 yrs of marriage)I found out my husband had begun using meth and heroin and having an affair with my younger sister, whom we had adopted several years earlier. So, legally she is our daughter.
Instead of kick them out of my home, which is what I should have done. I began using with them. Jealous of this thing he now had in common with my sister. I thought if I did drugs with him, he would like me again and we would stay together. It didn’t quite work out that way.
Even though, I wanted things to work out, he did not. I refused to see it. I ignored every sign, everyone telling me. I just refused to believe this was happening. it devastated me. It really shocked me to my core. I truly loved this man. he had cared for me and i for him for our entire lives. I thought we were in love and different from any other couple. But, I was wrong and because, I didn’t leave him. He got frustrated and felt stuck with me. He felt he couldn’t get away from me and that needed to be free from me and couldn’t. So, in order to have time together and away from me, my husband and sister began drugging me. They propositioned men, people they were friends with, to pay for an hour, two hours and a few times a whole evening with me, while I was unconscious. Since, these men were also on drugs, they readily accepted. This went on for a few years and sooner or later I became pregnant with one of these men’s babies. Then a year later with a second child, also one of these men’s babies. During the time it was happening, it was all a blur. But, once they stopped, my mind cleared up and I was so distraught. So hurt. So confused. Why had they been doing this to me? Incase, I told anyone, my husband did every single thing in this article to a T. it was like this was written about him. He started turning every single person I knew against me. Since the children looked nothing like him, he told everyone I was sleeping around with so many guys he couldn’t count. That he was just helping me with them,since I didn’t even know who the fathers were. I tried to tell them the truth and immediately every single person, defended him and thought I was lying. I couldn’t figure out why anyone believed him. Why no one believed me. He even turned my own son against me. Telling my son I was in psychosis and was paranoid. That it was all made up i my head. My son cut off contact with me and moved in with my husband and my sister and believes I’m crazy. Ive begged my husband and even my sister to tell him the truth. Telling them it’s not right to deprive him of his mother, when I’m not even crazy. But they refuse.
He came to my home to “see the children”, but when he left I found out he had stolen all of my belongings from my bedroom. Narrcissist is the correct term. But, I just like to call him what he is, “a selfish piece of s!@$”.
My dad has ruined my life..I’m a middle aged woman and only recently realised what was going on.
I’ve never had friends where I live and neighbours never liked me and would literally damage my property and speak to me rudely.
Everytime I’d tell my dad about what happened he would yell at me to stop being nasty to that person and to stop whinging. He’d make sure everyone would hear it too.
Right now I’m living in a house that was not built correctly thanks to my dad turning all the workmen and builder against me. My neighbour constantly damages my property or throws stuff at my property and he doesn’t apologise..he instead says I own everything and Im never happy…then he repeats things that my dad has told him.
Then when I mention to dad what he has done, dad yells and gets nasty and blames me.
I cant move house as this house was custom built for my back and neck injuries and I wouldnt even get half the money back from selling with all the leaks and problems I have with it.
The builder turned everything around and said I bullied him and his tradesmen and I forced him into early retirement!.
Whenever I hire a new tradie my dad always asks to meet him…now I know why.
Disgusting behaviour for a father.
This is very good article, but what happens when this is not your husband your wife and this is a sibling like for me my brother he is always telling lies about me to my family. And recently to friends in a crowded room I tried to defend myself but then everyone actually turned on me. I didn’t defend myself physically. I just told him straight what a liar he was but they’d already heard these stories before behind my back so believed that he is the one that is being wrong, how do you deal with this?
I have gone through similar, my narcissist x was turning me against my family telling me that my parents control me in money, love, what I ate, what to do. He even made out to his family and our friends that my parents actually abused me. I didn’t know this until after we separated. He showed me social media posts and articles about enmeshed families. Telling me that’s how he saw my family being towards me and that I couldn’t see it myself as I was so involved and brain washed that it was normal. It totally messed with my mind coz I was so in love with this guy, why would he lie to me ? Our friends made strange comments to me and asking was I Ok as though something had happened. I began to distance myself from my family.
I only realised this wasn’t the case when I had to see a psychotherapist for ADHD. I was asked who was my support network and where were my parents etc… it all came flooding out. Long story short a job fell into my lap and I took it taking me half way across the country away from everybody. I spent a year away from him and my family trying to find out who I am. My x now has another girl which he got straight away and I’ve been told by MY friends what he had said about me and my family and how is now treating her and doing the same to her. Now that I know I wasn’t abused by my parents / family I feel so ashamed that I was caught by somebody like him
Thank you for this article. I needed to read this today.
I divorced my ex husband 6 years ago & today found out that ever since we split he has been secretly communicating with my mother, brother, sister & 2 friends. I have often wondered over the last 4 of these years why my family & close friends blocked me from their lives. And now I know. He has told them so many lies about me that they have cut me off. He then took great pleasure in informing me that I’m an auntie several times over, and I had no idea.
Today it all came to a light when out of the blue I was sent screenshots of conversations between my ex husband & an old neighbour of ours. Telling her stories of infidelity, bad parenting (on my part), theft & cruelty.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I left him to be rid of him but it seems I will never be rid of him or the abuse he put me through.
My ex-gf… who said I was a narcissist & used all the buzz words on me… is guilty of this… so glad I started to educate myself on narcissism, I had no clue how evil it was. I was so convinced I was one, after her constantly telling me that I was, that I took a few online tests to see if I was. Thank God I’m not the “abuser” she said I was, she was making me feel insane. I found out that it’s HER that ticked all the boxes for being a narcissist, right down to lying & cheating, all while telling me she wasn’t, then raging if I had a hard time believing her or not trusting her as she told me to. Narcs refuse to self reflect or take accountability, it’s always somebody else’s fault. They don’t care who they hurt, they’re incapable of loving and I’m positive they have multiple personalities. I’m glad I walked away from her finally. Worst experience of my life, finding out I was with a narc who had her new supply, possibly supplies, waiting in the wings while she was monkey branching me. Such a sweet public image, but nothing close to that once I saw behind her mask. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it and is it ever ugly! They always scream SMEAR CAMPAIGN, but that’s THEM doing that and lying or exaggerating to save face. Their life is nothing but lies. No SMEAR CAMPAIGN from the victims, only a TRUTH CAMPAIGN, huge difference. There’s nothing wrong with being honest & truthful & telling family members & friends what you experienced. The narc can’t handle being exposed for what they are and it’s THEM that start the SMEAR campaign of lies & more lies. These people USE good hearted people that loved them as a means to an end. I loved her so much, but that’s only because she got me feeling so low that when she breadcrumbed me I’d get a high. I was in love with someone who never existed basically, she was nothing but a lie. Sadly for her, if she ever needs me again or is screaming for me on her deathbed, I will not be there for her. She will die alone & miserable, like most of them do. There once was a time that I’d drop everything and run for her if she needed me, never again. Not for a liar & someone who seeks external validation by having romps in the hay with others all while telling me she would never ever do that again, like she did years before and I was dumb enough to give her a second chance, and got played again. These people aren’t even human, they are ice cold and evil and in the end, they lose. I hope she enjoys her shallow, pathetic existence, knowing that her supply will eventually dump her on her head like everyone else has in her life, including her supplies family & friends that quite possibly really cared for her & loved her, or the facade she created, because narcs don’t have their own identity. They are sponges or they mirror the people they are around. Poison chameleons. Good riddance & what a waste of time & life.
“Do you lie, cheat, and try to manipulate people to gain something for yourself? Are you selfish and feel entitled to everything you want, often willing to take it from other people? Maybe even leaving them with nothing? Do you have an outer image of perfection that you’re always trying to convince people is true about you while also protecting your very low self-esteem and self-image? Do you cover over the truth in order to hide the authentic you?”
I’m 74 now and have experienced everything everyone else has been saying about their narcissistic husbands. Even ruining relationships with some of my children. I have a small framed picture that hangs on the wall by my desk that says “Sometimes the people you wanted as part of your story, were only meant to be a chapter.”
This daily reminder has helped me tremendously!!! I am reminded that I’m not at fault here. I know I’m not the bad guy! But trying to keep that thought constantly in my head is hard. I will survive this! We all can. Just remember, not everyone was MEANT to be part of your story. Your life WILL go on without them.
this has happened to me, too
I’ve been in that place of ‘radical acceptance’ but it slips away whenever they pop back into my life…
the sleepless nights are really a form of hell on earth…and why is it that I’m the one suffering?
my adult children seem fine with losing their mother…yeah, I wasn’t perfect and there were some ugly incidents but I’m not sure why I’m known only for my very worst moments.
there is no peace for me…I will die sooner than otherwise would have due to all those wire monkeys I’m suppose to bond with…and I’m so very very tired