Just that title alone can cause tears to come to the eyes of many women who know this pain, well. For the last several years, as I’ve written more about the estrangement that I’ve experienced, I hear tons of stories from women (and men) who have children and grandchildren that have been turned against them for no good reason. Many are even blocked by their own children.
Not because they live too far away. No, a very charming and convincing manipulator (usually a narcissist) has successfully been able to convince people that this parent, who loves their children and grandchildren very much, is toxic and/or a narcissist. Most times these now healthy parents have seen the truth about the narcissist and have boundaries in their lives.
When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how other people see you. – Unknown
Many times because of the work the narcissist had done during the marriage, he is able to successfully control the dialog of the victim after divorce. I’ve seen this first hand and have heard from far too many women to count, that this is exactly what they’ve experienced.
How is one person able to do this?
We always see things much more clear once we’re out of the relationship. But while in the dysfunction, red flags are often disguised as “marriage problems” or we women are blamed as being too emotional or irrational when they speak about the very issues that cause us to feel crazy. As I talked about in another blog post, loving a narcissist hurts you because it really does!
Narcissists are able to gaslight anyone to believe his lies unless you’re highly trained in seeing through lies from a narcissistic abuser – which most of us become by the end of our marriage. They’re often able to convince their wife’s family and friends of “her craziness” and “need for control,” when really, she’s just starting to notice the cracks in his story. Sometimes, she finds out rather quickly to just go along with his narrative for her own safety and sanity. Then, because she’s not defending herself, they believe the lies.
I’m sure he is able to brainwash and separate you from your friends and family, your support system, started while you were dating. You and he just couldn’t live without each other – wanting to spend so much time together. It became you and him against the world.
At some point, things turn in the opposite direction. You’re tired of the roller coaster or keeping all the truth hidden from the outside world. And once you’re no longer believing the lies or pretending everything is fine, when it’s not, you’ve now become enemy number one. The war has been waged against you. He will turn everyone against you so that you will be all alone!
The Smear Campaign
The top question I get is, how do I defend myself from all the lies and smear campaign?
It can start soon after the wedding or a short-time before the divorce but either way, it happened. His lies are purposeful and directly about you and your character. Sometimes believable lies because of the portions of truth mixed in. The flaws that all people have. Or your insecurities. Not only does he make sure everyone knows these lies, he actually runs to them first to direct their view before you’re able to.
Where there is a smear campaign, you trying to defend yourself and speak the truth already looks like lies. Everyone already believes that you do nothing but speak badly about this nice and charming guy, who’s done nothing wrong. It must all be you. That’s what he wants them to believe.
I’ve spoken to ladies that had husbands who were able to turn her own mother, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, and even her own children against her. He convinced all those people that she was to blame for the breakdown of the marriage and even his actions during the marriage. I know how frustrating that can be.
Children are the pawns!
When there are children involved the narcissist uses the children to get back at the other parent. He’s able to brainwash them in the same way and turn them against their own mother. Again, he has an “us against her” attitude – the same tactic he used to get you ensnared with him. The narcissists think in black and white – people are either all good or all bad. Mothers are not humans with good and bad qualities, they are just bad for not being his personal doormat or going along with his narrative.
Many times narcissists are really skilled at the game of chess. They use people like players on the chessboard. I have no idea how to play chess, otherwise, I could explain more, but all the narcissists from my past did know how to play and loved the game. That right there should have told me something.
“It’s us against her!”
Narcissists and borderlines (meaning people with a borderline personality disorder – BPD) are really good at playing the victim and getting people to believe that they were abused by their victims. I can still remember when my grandmother died and other family members were calling me asking why I didn’t come to the funeral. They had talked to my mother! I knew the story she was telling them just by the messages they left. I was the bad guy and she was the victim. Hashtag #StoryOfMyLife.
This is what they do. Other family members and even children believe the lies that everything is your fault. You are the one causing problems. You are the one not being a good parent – they could do better. And you are the one with revenge on your heart… when you’re just trying to gain your life back and raise your children. What they’re doing is projecting their evil heart onto you… and because no one is asking your side of the story… they believe him.
This is how he’s able to get allies for his war. You are the enemy that needs to be destroyed. His mission is still to abuse you or hurt you for whatever perceived slight he’s holding on to. After divorce, the only connections are kids or other shared property. I see it all the time talking to coaching clients. Even in cases without kids involved, the narcissist drags it out in court or doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do after the divorce, just to keep hurting you.
He says that I’m the narcissist!
I get this question too. Emails from women who believe they were married to a narcissist. But the narcissist was able to turn the children, the church and even her own family against her, by calling her the narcissist and abuser.
What’s the truth? Do you lie, cheat, and try to manipulate people to gain something for yourself? Are you selfish and feel entitled to everything you want, often willing to take it from other people? Maybe even leaving them with nothing? Do you have an outer image of perfection that you’re always trying to convince people is true about you while also protecting your very low self-esteem and self-image? Do you cover over the truth in order to hide the authentic you?
Are you only interested in superficial relationships in order to protect the truly authentic version of yourself? My guess is, probably not! I know for me, I don’t want fake or superficial relationships especially with those closest to me. I want deeper intimacy even with friends.
I spent an entire year just focused on being a more authentic version of myself. I wouldn’t say I’ve arrived at that completely, I’m always a work in process, but I don’t shy away from sharing the honest truth about what I think and what I feel on the inside – that’s how I’m able to be more vulnerable here on my blog. I have nothing to hide or protect – beyond being hurt by toxic people again.
Narcissists do all these things and more. And they don’t worry about who they hurt while doing so!
The Truth Always Comes Out!
As hard as it is to allow people to believe lies about you, it’s best to let things play out rather than try to defend yourself especially with people who don’t want to hear or accept the truth. Or with those who’ve already made up their mind about the entire situation based upon what your soon-to-be-ex or ex-husband has said about you and the situation.
Here’s how I see it. Narcissists use people like all those disposable plastic water bottles people throw away every single day. They drink the water (take what they need) and then discard (throw the empty bottle in the trash – it’s useless). They use people and lie to them. They don’t love anyone because they don’t love themselves. The truth always comes out as people start paying attention. But only when they need to or want to for their lives to be emotionally healthy.
Some people (our family or children) just stay in dysfunctional relationships – even if that includes manipulative tactics, gossip, and all kinds of unnecessary stress. They get something (most times money) out of staying connected to these toxic people. The narcissist wants to be the hero and they want his money. Win-win for both.
But not for the rest of us who really want authentic, honest relationships with people who love others as much as they love themselves.
Self-Coaching Tip:
Your character will speak for itself! I just stay away from people who try to destroy that which can’t be destroyed and let them live their unhappy lives. I don’t have to defend my character.
Getting emotionally healthy and learning how to assertively speak my boundaries was the best decision I’ve made for my life. I don’t ever plan to go back to trying to prove myself to people again. I just have to keep reminding myself of those facts (which is self-coaching).
Do you have a story to share about how you experienced a smear campaign by a toxic person or you were the family scapegoat, where the blame was thrown on you when it was not your fault? Real name not required.
May God bless your healing journey while you wait for the truth to come out,
Related Posts:
- What Is a Narcissist? Am I a Narcissist?
- “It Wasn’t Me!” (Realizing You Weren’t to Blame for the Breakdown of Your Marriage)
- Walk Away & Let Toxic People Misunderstand You
Thank you Jen for sharing this. I have gone through it and was encouraged by your article.
I’m so glad to help another woman who knows this pain.
My kids are now 33, 30, & 21. My ex ABSOLUTELY turned my two oldest (his stepdaughters) against me. He tried with the youngest (our daughter) . She teetered back and forth. And just 3 weeks ago…BOOM! She is no longer speaking to me or allowing me to see my granddaughter.
I always thought once they grew up & realized how much of a liar he is, they’d realize he lied about me too. NOPE! they know he’s a liar, but I don’t think the thought has even crossed their minds that maybe he lied about mom too! My kids hate me! My body, mind, and soul literally hurt to the point I barely function. He stole my children from me. I will never recover from this abuse; not my character or my being.
Hello,
I just read your article on Crosswalk.com entitled 5 Warning Signs that You’re Married to a Narcissist. Wow, that article nailed it like none other! And I’ve read a lot of articles about narcissists since my divorce 5 years ago. Thanks for what you do. I can’t wait to read the rest of these because I am still really hurting over the ‘loss’ of my kids and my own family.
One thing about the Crosswalk article: I think you should have emphasized the need to get away from an abuser.
God bless!
I was a victim of a Narcissist as well. He told me that our 32 years of marriage was nothing. He said that all doors were going to close behind me, that what my family and friends did to me, his would never do. He said that all my friends and family were going to leave me and children would not believe me. I ended up with no friends or family or children. I discovered that he was giving internships and jobs to family members on my back for years, as well as doing business with some. He has the money, and my children have basically erased me. My daughter told me that to see my grandchild is a privilege not a right, and I can only see her if I reserve a special date a long time in advance and stay in a hotel, which is very expensive and she knows and I can not keep doing. I have no idea of what to do, and I started to show her all the things that the father did, and although they know that the father has abused me for 5 years, it does not make any difference. Thanks for sharing
Hi – this is so sad – your experience of abuse resonates with mine – I’m currently married – trapped – he has turned his family against me – his 5 grown children treat me like dirt – I am his and their scapegoat – a terrible place to try and thrive from. You say you are divorced – I hope you can access appropriate therapy to support you at this bleak time. Concentrate on yourself and your healing – you’ve been through hell and must feel traumatised. Nurture your heart – eat nutritious food – join groups for company. The narcissist s lies live on as truth to the flying monkeys they weaponise against us – somehow that makes them feel important – like – You’re nothing therefore I’m something – that’s evil. – Be glad you are away from that poison – sometimes the first step in our recovery is to recognise that none of this is your fault – but our aim is to shrug off victim Hood and work on thriving. We cannot change the legacy of the narcissist s abuse in our lives. We can hope to walk away – I wish you peace and fulfilment – you are stronger than you think you are ❤️
Really good article. You do such a good job of really crystalizing what goes on & why.
Thank you!
You said it, Jen. It’s another form of crazy-making. Whatever they said, they said we said. Whatever they do, they say we did. And for coverts, it’s all about their getting sympathy, needing to be seen as the victim. Any good they did, they did to make themselves look good to our family, friends, whomever they need to impress. All boils down to the same: narcissists have no regard for us. Your illustration of discarding the bottle after drinking the water is a painfully clear illustration of how they see us, their supply. They only appreciate what they can get from us. Not who we are.
I am glad I finally woke up to this truth. God, heal us!
Amen, Mary Li. It’s such healing to see the truth for ourselves.
Hi Jen. I was married to a narcissist for 23 years. During the divorce we were both tested to see where our issues were. I came back as perfectly normal. He came back as a sociopath.
He has turned my adult children against me. That is my belief. My kids and I were more than close. They shared everything with me. Suddenly, after our divorce, my children started mistreating me. Now 3 out of 4 won’t speak to me. The fourth one has stuck it out and we have worked through a lot of issues. Suddenly she has stopped talking to me too. 3 of my children are married. Each one disnvited me to their wedding. I was so crushed. I have never been so hurt and angry. 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare, fatal disease. It’s been like they just don’t care. They don’t call or write at all. I’m trying to decide how to treat them when I die. I’m tired of walking on eggshells and feeling like they don’t even love me, when I have loved them all of their life. I was devoted.
Anyways, I don’t feel like I even want them to know when I die. Any suggestions?
My story is very much like yours. I was married many years to a man twice my age, married three times already, had children from those marriages, had a long criminal history inc. felony. None of this was revealed until after the wedding. He treated me horribly, was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me, all the while creating a name for himself as a counselor and minister (without credentials)! He made his own rules and thought he was above the law. He convinced everyone that I was crazy and my suicide attempts just reinforced his narrative. He threatened to destroy me if I tried to leave him. I finally did but then he made it his mission to ruin my life. He forced me into bankruptcy, ruined my reputation, and turned our children against me. He met someone online from overseas and left the country, telling everyone he was going to do “ministry “. Then he died, a “hero” and a “wonderful man”. He left a huge financial mess which caused me to lose my house. I haven’t seen my children in years, nor my grandchildren. My faith in God is the only thing that keeps me going, but it’s a daily struggle. Some days the pain is more than I can bear. I don’t know why I wrote all this but just maybe someone will read it and draw some comfort from knowing they’re not alone, they’re not the only one going through this.😥
I suspect my ex covert narc is putting forth a smear campaign directed to my son who has children (my grandchildren)…and I recently received some texts from this son that are almost verbatim things my ex would have said about me (hence the suspicion). How do I proceed? I do know that my ex has tried to smear me with his siblings that I remain close to and they have defended me to him and to others. Since my son is an adult, is it beneficial to discuss this with him or to rise above (I do want to have relationships with my grands)? So much has been said about being quiet; however, this recent situation was quite hurtful until I realized that the source may be my ex. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you for what you do, Jen.
You’re welcome! That’s so horrible. But so glad God sees all and He will make amends! It’s always best to let God fight for you instead of trying to defend yourself in a smear campaign.
My soon to be ex is using my son in the same way. This article hits home. He is doing all of this to us.
Sad our children should not have to be pulled into this.
The women he left me for also blogged on your YouTube videos that her ex husband was a narcissist and won’t leave her and her two children alone.. Now she is looking to marry another, mine.
Hello,
I just read your article on Crosswalk.com entitled 5 Warning Signs that You’re Married to a Narcissist. Wow, that article nailed it like none other! And I’ve read a lot of articles about narcissists since my divorce 5 years ago. Thanks for what you do. I can’t wait to read the rest of these because I am still really hurting over the ‘loss’ of my kids and my own family.
One thing about the Crosswalk article: I think you should have emphasized the need to get away from an abuser.
God bless!
Wow, this article really nailed it too! (and yes, he knows how to play chess! That part was funny)
But, the rest is not funny. 5 years after the divorce, my mom and sisters still talk to him on the phone, get together with him, and defend him–when, on the rare occasion, I tell about something he did.
During the divorce, he got my family and the pastor of our church (who had counseled us) to write letters to Friend of the Court and to appear in court on the day of the divorce…so he could get 50/50 custody of our kids. (He was physically abusive to the kids.) So, that enabled him to use the kids as pawns, as you said. And all kinds of other stuff–repeat police calls and false reports, ignoring the parenting time order, rewarding the kids for disobeying me, etc.
As a result, I have had almost no relationship with my son for the past 5 years (haven’t seen him in a year and a half and rarely saw him before that) When my daughter reached 18 years, she moved in with him; didn’t tell me; just left and didn’t come back. Fortunately, I have a relationship with her, but she is convinced that he’s ‘changed’. He has turned my friends against me. Even dated one of them!
My heart aches for my children.
I am still waiting, as you said, for the truth to come out.
Why does my picture show? How can I change that?
It’s either because you have a picture uploaded with your email provider or you signed up for a Gravatar and it’s using the picture you uploaded there (https://en.gravatar.com/). It has nothing to do with anything on my website. The picture would be blank if you didn’t have a picture tied to your email address.
Hi Jen, my ex was an expert at manipulating and using. We were married for 31 years, and I was totally crushed after the divorce. I have adjusted and remarried (6 years ago) but still suffer emotionally due to the experience. Since there is a family business that we started together, and his obvious adultery (he re-married within 2 weeks of our divorce) and my two oldest children still work there. I had surgery, and afterwards he proceeded to take maximum advantage; he moved me out of our home, took my children’s love (for a while), took my job, my car, my personal computer and my cell phone. I remember feeling like a wild animal that had to survive. After the divorce I moved out of state to be closer to family, and a health official there told me I was suffering from PTSD. I have come a long way after 13 years, but it still hurts. I realize now that I need a new purpose. So, I pray that God will open a door for me that I will not be afraid to walk through.
My husband has been emotionally and Phsychologically abusive towards me. We have been married for 20 months and he always has a reason to treat me cruelly. Shortly after we got married, he started speaking with his ex even though we agreed against it prior to marriage. I suggested we speak to someone that we could both be accountable to but he refused. Instead he drew me in closer snd deeper and made me trust that we could deal with issues by ourselves without the need for a third party. It was all a lie, instead he would keep malice with me for days on end. One time, for 7 days. I would cook for is and he would choose not to eat to go out buying food instead. It got to a point shortly before I was pregnant with our first child that he would start sleeping in the living room away from me and only seek to sleep with me for sex. I became his doormat for his emotional needs while he neglected my own needs.
He cleverly isolated me from my relationships with friends, from serving in church which I used to do before meeting him. This kept me somewhat grounded. Now that I see it, he was only after me living and breathing for him. He attacked me whenever my parents called to check up on me. Controlled my mobility, questioned my calls, texts, social media engagements, bank accounts, scrutinizing my diary, rummaging through my belongings and more. All of these truly affected me and I kept covering up. We eventually started counselling and though it was working for a while, it got worse with the verbal abuse and intimidation and death threats. He started speaking to another woman and would leave the house consistently at 18:00 to return most times at midnight. He has slighted me and locks me out throwing the keys through the window at me to let myself in even though I called and consistently knocked to be let in for an hour. He would verbally abuse me and crush me. Compare me to this other woman telling me Im not good enough or beautiful enough.
He has threatened to divorce me and always has. He has turned some of my friends against me and the pastor against me. Unfortunately, because of the wounds and deep seated pains in my heart and mind, I act out of character by shouting because he wouldn’t listen to me. When I try speaking, he plays music out loud to drown my voice.
The verbal and physical abuse has gotten to much for me. I am torn and reading this post is helping me to understand the gravity of his actions and what he wants to do to me. He gets to people before me and by the time it’s my turn to speak, it’s not worth it because he has already painted the picture of what he wants. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle and now have to protect myself and child. I really dont want a divorce but I am being forced down that way. What should I do? The situation is getting worse by the day!
Sheila…your self worth is all you need to be happy. You must find the strength. I know I was gaslighted, and manipulated. Husband cheating relentlessly. I left. The best thing I ever did was leave with my son.
My EX did these things and when I tried telling what “IT” did no one believed me… I nearly died because of “IT” …putting rat poison in my food and beverage, I was slowly getting sick and more sick I miscarried and I eventually found out what was happening stopped seeing that person and then slowly got my health back …😊 then I met my other half who loves me for me he speaks up for me makes me laugh with his sense of humour got pregnant several times …. Even though my babies are waiting for me in Heaven my husband is the best blessing I have received in my lifetime!! He has cancer is slowly ready to part from this life but I will always love him straight to the moon and back, he had me at hello but I refuse to say farewell or goodbye…😥Been crying for a long while now don’t think that will ever stop…Our families have disowned us and we have no friends to speak of just people who say they care but never call or write.. We will always believe in God.By the way may Be bless you always, Amen
Gosh I have just read your article and its made me have a clearer picture. My husband is a classic narcissist. I have finally started divorce proceedings, had him removed from the home etc. He is playing the complete victim with our friends he is being believed. I just dont go out anymore unless I have to, until the divorce is final. I have my girls as he hasn’t tried for them yet. He tells everyone I was crazy and yet it was just me being emotional and trying to get my husband to stop. He has connected with his grown up children from his previous marriage on the basis that I had stopped him seeing them. Totally untrue of course he never had a good word to say about them. I feel so lonely inside and would love to tell the truth of my marriage and how my children and I managed to escape him but because I could not pretend anymore I became the worst in the world.
My ex narcissist is telling his children the same….I wouldn’t allow him to see or help them. Total lie of course! He has reconciled with his sister that he hated, I’m sure more lies to make it seem that I forced him to act nasty toward them. It is hard not to try to defend yourself, but also knowing it only makes us look like a crazy ex. Hope things are better for you. <3
What do I do if I’m the child in this situation. My mother uses me as her scape goat and treats me like it’s my fault my father left her. She tells lies to my two siblings to make me look like a horrible person. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like im drowning and I just can’t get out. I have no one because of her, they all believe the lies she tells. I just don’t have the strength anymore to do this, I am exhausted. It’s gotten to the point where i think she finally believes all the lies she created about me. Everytime I stand up for myself someone else jumps in the ring to put me down in a way I didn’t even think was possible.
Have you read the “Boundaries” book? If not, I would consider checking it out from your library or buying it for your mobile device. It doesn’t help specifically with narcissists but there is a story about a mother and a daughter that might help you start to establish some boundaries with your mother. I can relate and have been there with my own boundary-pushing mother and the Boundaries book really help me to understand what I could be doing differently and how to get rid of that stress and resentment.
Thank you! My daughter was obvious to some people, til she got older and practiced. Now she is so good at it. The horrible lies and twisting of situations she tells! If I didn’t know me, I would have little respect for me, too. I’ve just found out more, and feel like I’ve lost the last bit of family. I was told I need to forgive her past. I have…it’s the ongoing lies and act that is hurting me! She sent my sister Mother’s Day flowers. She hasn’t acknowledged me in over ten yrs! My sister explained it’s because she doesn’t know my number. Which I’ve had for at least 15 yrs! Her daughter has it, I told my sister. She told my sister that my granddaughter dropped her phone in water and lost all the numbers. Did she try to contact me? No! I immediately texted my granddaughter, and her phone was fine. I didn’t tell her about her mother’s lie. My granddaughter is 20 now…and just now talking to me a little. She began sharing with her step mother, who raised her, some things said about me, and her step mother, who knows me set her straight…I was shocked at the things she was told! My nieces keep playing a game of trying to throw us together, and my daughter looks like the magnanimous martyr. I’m ready to draw back into my own world with my own friends, and just let them all think what they want. It’s very lonely to be old and have no family that respects you.
Ginger, I can totally understand that. I know how hard it is. I pray God shows you to people in His family to help fill that loneliness void.
I was married 23 years to one. I see now how I was used. I worked 40 + hours a week plus taking care of the house, kids, shopping and school. He would make comments to me when no one was around so I would not have proof he accuses me of cheating. Tells me to work 2 jobs because he doesn’t want to work. He was pretending to pay the bills one year all the while he was buying drugs and meeting his friends wife everyday. I found out he was in trouble with drugs and owed the dealer a large sum of money, he told the dealer to have me and the kids killed so he could collect the insurance and pay him. We lost everything except my car. I was in hiding for over 6 months with the kids. Once divorced I received an email from his friend telling me they used to meet once a week and the 3 would have sex together and it went on for 6 years. I never could catch him at anything he was really good at covering up his steps. He turned our 2 sons against me. he does not see our daughter at all, because he cannot control her. I am the blame for everything that happened Well my son died when he was 26 of course it was my fault I had not seen my son for 8 years I tried to but was ignored, once our son passed away my ex thought I would co sign for a loan to pay for the services ( I did not) I requested 2 separate contracts than I found out he wanted to barred me from the funeral.
I pray every day that my son will see his father for who is really it and that my Ex never gets ahold of my daughter and granddaughter.
I want to secretly leave with my two little girls I’m so tired of the lies.
I am not alone.
It is very isolating being invalidated but I know now I am not alone.
Thank you.
You’re welcome!
Hi, Jen. Is there a way to print only the text of this article to share? My story is long and spans 39 years so I won’t try to recap it. Suffice it to say the narcissist in my life succeeded in his goal after my daughter got into college. Were it not for being able to trust that God knows it all, I would have committed suicide. I wish you could be on every morning show in the country to spread the truth about this vicious individuals.
If you have “reader” capabilities on your phone or computer, you could print that page. If not, I am not sure. Just appreciate people not copying/pasting the words to any other document, especially without giving credit.
I’m so happy I came across this article. My boyfriend passed away in December by suicide. Before his death we were in dispute about his ex wife’s extreme need to interfere and her lack of boundaries like calling him all the time, she even showed up on our vacation and stayed at the same hotel room next to us and the kids. She came a day early to hang out before taking their kids on a separate trip. She tried to buddy up to me and people started calling her my sister wife, and it was driving me crazy! I was out of town when my boyfriend took his own life. Of coarse she found him by letting herself into his house, she called his mom and sister to notify them then called my family, before finally calling me. I got to town and she acted like my best friend until his family came to town. I’ve only met his family once in the 8 years we were together. She got everyone convinced that we weren’t together, she was his best friend, and I caused his suicide. I was alienated from the services, downplayed in the obituary, and the ex wife had all old pictures up of them together. Super weird! Even some of my friends and family don’t talk to me because she’s been busy trying to gain alliances. It’s just sick! I was his girlfriend for 8 years but since she has his kids, his family bows to her and doesn’t even care to know about any of my perspectives. I’m locked out of the house and forced to go to court over my belongings! She even lets my relatives drive my boyfriends vehicles around to hurt me!