Walk Away & Let Toxic People Misunderstand You

Recently, I kept running across a newly published book by Gary Thomas. He’s the author of many marriage books that caused more harm, in my marriage, than good – I don’t fault Mr. Thomas for that as any book can be distorted and used for evil purposes.

After reading a few of his blog articles after my divorce, especially the one about God not caring about shells, I knew his heart was for the abused, the divorced, and those hurting in marriages – rather than the “save a marriage at all costs” stance that many marriage authors and pastors have taken.

After reading this book, I wanted to share the main takeaways which might help you no matter where you are on this divorce journey.

The content in this book, When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People {affiliate link} is useful for Christians and divorcing/divorced women because, as I share often in my writing, we need to know when to walk away from toxic relationships, even marriages or our children. Oftentimes, staying out of fear of what other Christians will think, say, or do just enables the toxic behaviors to continue or to get worse. And we often stay way longer than we should, thinking that is what God would want – when God wants His people to have a relationship with Him and to thrive in life.

What would Jesus do? Jesus walked away from toxic people in order to live the life God had planned for Him.

Gary Thomas did his research before writing this book, sharing that Jesus walking away 41 times from people. I didn’t even know this!

Sometimes Jesus walked away from others who wanted more of him. On still other occasions, he retreated for his own refreshment and renewal or protection. The point is that Jesus didn’t let the needs, pleas, attacks, or unresponsiveness of others distract him from the mission give to him by his heavenely Father.

Sometimes to follow in the footsteps of Jesus is to walk away from others or to let them walk away from us. – Gary Thomas, When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People

Page 16-17, Kindle Version

Defining Toxic People.

Labeling someone as toxic is not name-calling. This person could be toxic to everyone, because of their character and personality. Or this person could just be toxic for you and your personality. Calling someone toxic is for our own self-defining measures, so we know not to get detoured by this person or sucked into trying to please him or her. We label them so we know that our relationship with this person is not a safe one.

There are certain people who drain us, demean up, and distract us from our healthy relationships. Long after they’re gone, we’re still fighting with them in our minds and trying to get them out of our hearts. They keep us awake. They steal our joy. They demolish our peace. They make us (if we’re honest with ourselves) weaker spiritually. They even invade times of worship and pervert them into seasons of fretting.

Page 12, Kindle Version

We need to define toxic people so we can identify them from the rest of the crowd – defining health and unhealthy relationships. Because if your goal is to be emotionally healthy, and surround yourself with emotionally healthy people, anyone else would just cause you unnecessary pain and grief – and ain’t nobody got time for that!

If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.

Page 13, Kindle Version

Toxic People Intentionally Destroy Your Peace.

Often with a toxic person, if you look closely, you’ll find that they’re jealous of your peace so they try to destroy it. After some time with this person, you start to question your own sanity because of their gossip, crazymaking, manipulation, and/or gaslighting – “I didn’t say that!” or “I didn’t do that!” when you know the truth (don’t let them convince you that your truth is wrong!).

The toxic person’s main goal in life is to distract you from your relationship with God, your purpose in life, and the path to thriving. They’d rather your life be filled with chaos just like theirs – so they create it and impose their life onto yours without even asking. When a toxic person has your focus completely turned onto them and their life, you’re no longer available to help others or fulfill God’s purpose – they knock you off your path.

Here’s what you need to know about the psychology and spirituality of toxic people; they like conflict. It feeds them. And they have a voracious appetite for it. Toxic people feed off increasing conflict, causing more trouble, and attacking more victims. They get a taste and become more rabid. They live for division in the same way a true believer delights in peace.

Page 84, Kindle Verson

Are toxic people evil? Maybe?! Maybe not?! I don’t really think that is for us to decide – that’s between them and God. But we are free to walk away from anyone so we can live in peace. We deserve a safe home that breathes peace into our lives, that life we crave, and not toxicity.

Married to a Toxic Person, Can I Walk Away?

Toxic marriages are destructive – filled with unrepentant, controlling, narcissistic behavior. Being a “Christian” (what they call themselves) is a clever cover for a toxic person because we’re taught to always extend grace as Christ has done for us (“Forgiving one another” – Ephesians 4:32). Evil is often easily concealed in the Church (wolves in sheep’s clothing). And smart toxic people know how to cover their true character and love for covert abuse. This makes it easier for toxic people to thrive, destroying their victims.

We also can become entangled and enslaved to this toxic person, even through marriage to a professing Christian, which leads us to destruction and/or destructive behavior as well (bad character corrupts good character). Once entangled, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually it becomes very hard to break the chains that keep us trapped. But God can redeem our tragedy and misfortune through a divorce – which He allows, not just for abandonment or adultery.

When a man preys on his wife and children, refusing to repent, essentially laughing at them, assuming they can’t escape his abuse because he hasn’t given them a “biblical reason” for divorce (usually described as being sexually unfaithful or abandoning them)––and then he’s supported by well-meaning Christians who essentially say that the shell of marriage matters more than the woman and children inside the shell––I think we’ve lost the heart of God.

Page 175, Kindle Version

Mr. Thomas goes on to explain that divorce from a toxic marriage is like a cancer patient needing chemotherapy to kill cancer and save their life. No one wants to face this treatment process but without chemotherapy, the patient will die; the same is true for a woman in a toxic marriage. It’s a slow death emotionally and spiritually. Or as in my case, and for others, even physically.

If a toxic person forces a spouse to seek the protection of divorce, don’t fault the person who is acting on behalf of truth; fault the toxic spouse who is using marriage to prey on a victim.

Page 172, Kindle Version

What about Toxic Children?

Mr. Thomas makes it clear what he’s writing about is toxic interactions with other adults – which could include your own adult children (after they can “assume leadership of their own battles”) – but not necessarily those in the “active parenting” phase (young children still at home). He draws the line at about age 21 or 22 years old. But I’d say unless they’re going to school full-time after high school, with a clear plan for their adult life (which was probably the case with Mr. Thomas’ children since they never faced a divorce situation), then 18 is adult age and you can ask them to find another place to live until they get their life on track (active in school and/or work is my boundary).

My boundaries may be different from other parents; it doesn’t mean either of us is wrong. I gave my child the training and the appropriate attention they needed until they were 18, after that it’s their choice what they do with the teaching. As I’ve shared before, I homeschooled my two youngest children. All three were taught character qualities and Christian values through varies books and curriculum; while also attending church and youth groups. Even after all of that, I’ve come to learn that there is no guarantee for any particular outcome with our children – they too are given free will.

We’ve got to learn which battles are ours to fight and which battles others must fight.

Page 193, Kindle Version

They can choose where their loyalty lies and who they believe – someone focused on truth or a known liar?! They can attack me as the assumed and perceived problem – while I share my story to help all of you. But I won’t sacrifice myself to save people who choose destructive, toxic, or other paths than the one led by Jesus. If they are lying, gossiping, and using me for selfish gain, then I need to keep up my boundaries and my distance, for my own safety.

Furthermore, God has called me to this ministry and I can’t allow any person – not even my born whom I love very much – become the toxic person that detours me from that purpose. (I was encouraged by what Mr. Thomas said in this chapter about toxic children.) My main focus, once my children turn 18 and can care for themselves, is what God has laid before me. Anything else is a distraction.

[I]f your investment of time and money keeps you from fulfilling your ministry and fighting your own battles, including investing in other reliable people, it’s time to reevaluate. It’s time to say no––even to your children.

Page 198, Kindle Version

Toxic People Will Misunderstand You & Your Motive!

Because of what I do online, often putting myself and my story out there, while also trying to make a living (remember this is my only “job”), I occasionally run into people who either want to detour me from my main focus – encouraging and empowering Christian women to survive and thrive after divorce. Or they have their own agenda, not seeing how they are interrupting mine with their own. Because of that, they just continue to misunderstand me.

I’ve had women say that they could not continue to read my work because of one sentence that I said. One sentence! The rest could have been the information they needed but that one sentence, most times took out of context, caused them concern about everything else I would say. They worry about my motive – when I have no motive, only a purpose.

In my own growth and healing, I let those and a lot of other people misunderstand me! I can spend my entire day focused on those people who do not agree with me or misunderstand me which would be a waste of my time. Or I can remain focused on what God’s purpose for me and my divorce is, and continue to minister to those who do understand, who know my heart for hurting women, and see all the good that I am doing. (Just as Gary Thomas shares he had to do in this book.) The choice is really theirs to make.

I’m at a point in my life that I’m no longer chasing any negative comments or thoughts someone else says or thinks about me. I have to remain mission-minded at all times to not be distracted by toxic people. If I spend my life chasing my critics, I’ll miss my purpose. It’s best to just help those who seek help and let the rest focus on whatever they choose to focus on.

Be okay with others not being okay with you. – Gary Thomas

BUY THE BOOK!

A Reminder of Where My Main Focus Should Be!

Through reading this book, I was reminded yet again of the story of Nehemiah. I’ve read this Bible chapter may times, since starting my ministry, and learned about not getting distracted while doing God’s work. Nehemiah had a mission and others tried to get him to stop. But instead of stopping, he said, “I am doing a great work and cannot come down.” (Neh. 6:3)

This is the phrase that I try (I probably needed a reminder) to keep at the forefront of my mind as I move forward in God’s mission for my life.

To be given a mission from God is to be surrounded by many aggressive opponents and hyperactive enemies. Their attacks are clever, creative, and varied. Toxic people use blatent aggression and passive aggression. They pretend to be our friends, and then when that doesn’t work, they threaten us as enemies. They act like they want to protect us and then try to control us. They hit from the left, and when that is blocked, they will come at us from the right.

Mission-minded people don’t have time for [such] sentimental foolishness.

Page 94 + 96, Kindle Version

Do you struggle with walking away from toxic people? Do you struggle when someone misunderstands you and you just want to explain? What are you doing to become emotionally healthy, before, during, or after divorce?

Related Posts:

• When Divorcing a Narcissist Becomes Dangerous
• Breaking Free From Manipulation
• Vital Lessons While Healing After Divorcing a Narcissist