He packed his clothes and went to his parent’s house for Christmas. At first, he said he wanted us all to go with him. But I couldn’t pretend everything was okay to please them anymore. They didn’t understand or even care about the emotional roller coaster that we were on. And I knew my lack of a fake smile would be turned around against me… as the one causing the problems.
No matter if I went or stayed home I’d be criticized… so I decided to just stay home and enjoy Christmas for once.
In the end, I was blamed for “not allowing him to see his parents” and keeping the kids from him. Thirteen years of being blamed, I was tired! Ready for it to end. After he returned, on New Year’s Eve, I told him I was done. Done playing this game anymore. He needed to get serious help (for himself, no longer to appease me) or I was filing for divorce.
Oh, he cried and told me he was going to “stand for our marriage” (like I had for way too many years) and not allow me to throw away all those years “we” had worked for. But as I suspected that promise was empty, just like all the rest. Within a few weeks, I found his wedding ring in his dresser drawer and I saw the adultery pattern repeating.
Months later, after he filed, I decided that I needed to confront him, trying to get the entire truth out of him, to gain some sort of closure. I told him I needed to talk to him on the phone and that he should call me after work.
After getting him on the phone, I came straight out and asked if there was another woman. I just needed to hear the truth. But he denied it, of course. He said the same thing he had always said, that he just wanted to be alone and “build a life by himself.” He said he’d see the kids and “maybe someday” after the divorce was final “we’d start dating again and see about getting back together.” That was all I needed to hear. The same line of bull. Same story, different year.
Then within minutes, he said his “male friend” (a married man who probably puts his wife first before phone calls from his friends) was on the other line and he couldn’t wait. I knew it was her. He thought I was stupid! But the fact was, he is never going to be honest. I needed to accept that.
He said he’d call me back. When he did I didn’t answer; I was done. I couldn’t be married to someone who cared about me so little to even tell the truth. It played out exactly how I needed it to. I knew everything he said was to keep me on his back burner, where I had always been, and it was time I took myself off the stove completely.
Disrespected Boundaries
I knew history had repeated itself yet again. Yes, I had said I was done, I get that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it, but I really meant it… and he needed to know my boundaries. I couldn’t be married to someone who didn’t value integrity or the vows that were taken before God.
He had held the word divorce over my head for our entire marriage. If I messed up… he was always done, leaving, I needed to leave, or “this was his last straw, we were getting a divorce.” I never cheated or crossed his boundaries, but my imperfections as a human being warranted his threats (in his mind).
And the minute I asserted my boundaries and asked him to honor me as much as I honored him, I was discarded. I was finally realizing the pattern would just keep repeating if I didn’t take myself out of the equation. Plus the destruction was beyond repair especially since I wasn’t willing to continue to be the solo-clean-up crew.
Unrepentant
That phone call proved he wasn’t willing to come clean with the truth. That and a couple statements about me “always making up accusations” and “it makes him want to cheat because I’m always saying he is” showed me what I had been learning about. (Psychological blame-shifting and gaslighting.)
It was also his actions all throughout the divorce process that told me he did not have a repentant heart. It was always, “I’m sorry… BUT!” or “What about what you did?” And he would rebuke me with “look at all that I do for you” while leaving the kids and me without some major needs met.
When people reminded me to look at the bigger picture, not just listening to his words, I saw the truth about it all. He was doing just enough to get by, to protect his reputation. There was never a sincere apology, no complete 180, and he was unwilling to repair the damage that he caused. And there was nothing I could do to force repentance and I couldn’t “fix” a man who couldn’t see the need to fix himself.
No other way to heal
Furthermore, I wasn’t allowed to openly heal, especially after each act of adultery. He said it would hurt him and cause him to stumble when I brought anything up. If I was triggered at all (which we all know happens after betrayal trauma), I had to pretend I was fine or see his rage. If I was having any hard feelings, I wasn’t allowed to talk to him or anyone else about it – because that would be talking bad about him.
Healing had never taken place! I couldn’t freely heal around him. I was supposed to brush everything under the proverbial rug right away because he didn’t deserve for me to hold it over his head. My emotional trauma meant I was unforgiving so I was the one causing the problems. And I was supposed to trust him completely, even if he chose to lie to me again and again. (Be sure to read: Forgiveness: What It’s Not)
Do you know what that did to me and my heart? My natural anger for the injustice had compounded because I wasn’t allowed to release it. That pain festered (which I was also blamed for). It got to the point that the last year of our marriage I was quite repulsed by him. He was unrepentant and I was just supposed to pretend like everything was great between us. Keep up the show, give him a hug, and we’d be fine. If only I could continue to paint the same beautiful (fake) picture he was (where any mistakes were my fault), but I just couldn’t do that anymore.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”I couldn’t continue to paint his beautiful picture of a happy marriage when I knew that was far from the truth.” tweet=”I couldn’t continue to paint his beautiful picture of a happy marriage when I knew that was far from the truth.”]
I knew it was time for the marriage to end… so I could learn to live in peace and get emotionally healthy without anyone holding me back. I needed to untangle and have a new beginning. No more waiting for him to change or to “get it”, I had to give it all up to God and walk in the direction of my own healing. In the end, God worked it all out for good! And I am thankful for His healing.
[Also Read: How to Know if Divorce is the Best Option For You]
How did you know your marriage was over? Feel free to share anonymously (real name not required) in the comments below. #OwnYourStory
May God bless your healing journey,
I didn’t believe in divorce. I hung on for more than a year while he openly carried on an affair, complete with Facebook photos of their vacations together. He said really cruel things to me during this time. It was all my fault of course. I hadn’t been encouraging enough. I had asked too many intelligent questions instead of blindly joining him in excitement over his latest business gamble. I had spent too much time with our six kids instead of tagging along with him to networking meetings. I had anxiety and was an introvert – the worst sin apparently. I prayed for direction. God opened my eyes to His gift – yes, gift – of a way out for situations like this. I had sacrificed my dignity for long enough, begging him to end his affair and go to counseling. I knew that I had done everything I could. There was nothing more to do. And he was content to stay married while trying out this new relationship. I was the back up plan. Oh heck no. I realized that my marriage had become an ABOMINATION of what was intended. I wasn’t setting a good example for anyone by allowing myself to be a doormat and the back up plan. Knowing I had done all I could, I divorced him. It was hard. I still mourn it at times, but he has not changed and I am glad God released me from loving him and opened my eyes. God does not value marriage over the people in the marriage. I believe my marriage could have been restored early on, but it would have required genuine repentance and two determined people, which never happened. He’d cheated 10 years prior and I had forgiven too easily. He’s run around on me behind my back ever since. I had taught him I’d hang in there no matter what. I now believe that in a healthy marriage, divorce IS on the table- both parties know that there are lines that can be crossed that are too far. It’s not a threat for manipulation, but a prevention for taking marriage for granted. The current “no divorce ever” culture of the church gives men a free pass (or so they think) to cheat, knowing they can call for forgiveness and submission when they get caught. This is not Gods plan for marriage.
Kate, I agree with you and experienced much of that myself. We did all we could, with what we knew at the time. Thank you for sharing your story! Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
#Ownyourstory Hi. I am actually in my second marriage now. I wish I had read your stuff before I rushed into a rebound relationship after my first divorce. I was married for about 7 years to my first husband. We met in college and dated afterwards and got married in our mid 20s. Right away I had a baby and we got a brand new house. Soon after my son was born, I had my daughter a year and a half later. My dad died before my son’s first birthday and it was around this time I found out I was pregnant again with my second child. I had major post partum depression and just plain exhaustion raising two little ones close in age. On the outside, people thought we had it made. We both had college degrees, a brand new house and a boy and girl. However, I noticed as soon as my dad died, my husband starting acting less caring and started criticizing me more. (He and I are also from different cultures, so that made it even more challenging). He never wanted to help with the house chores or help with raising and engaging with HIS own kids. It was like we were just trophies for him to show off. He might have changed like a total of 10 diapers the whole time we were married. He said “that’s what stay at home moms do.” Meanwhile, he would mismanage our money and gamble frequently. It wasn’t uncommon for our lights or phones to get cut off, then we started falling behind on our mortgage payments. It snowballed out of control. Even when I went back to work to help out, the kids were still young, and needed me. I felt torn. Even with me working, I was still expected to do the same amount of housework and kid raising virtually by myself. He never seemed to get it. Then, I discovered my oldest son has a form of autism, and needed extra attention. Still, he denied that his own son had issues and said it was all in my head. Years later, after the divorce, we had the confirmation, but I had always known something wasn’t quite right with my son’s development. I felt so forsaken and abandoned and trapped. I know if my dad had still been alive, my ex husband would not have gotten away with neglecting his wife and kids financially and emotionally. He has failed his calling to be a spiritual leader, provider, and protector for his family. I felt like a single mom WHILE we were still married, so I thought, I might as well be single. So after about 7 years, after giving him plenty of warnings, hints, etc. I waited until I had a job and then filed for divorce. Things did not go as smoothly as planned, but that is another story…
So many women marry quickly after divorce. I’d say more than half, so you’re not alone.
After taking my (now ex-) husband back many times after his infidelity, I knew I needed some time to heal myself and learn why I would allow myself to be married to someone who treated me with so little respect (as a fellow human being). It is so easy for us ladies to want to fill the feelings of loneliness, heal our hearts with new love, or to think a new husband will be better than the last. But healing is so important before we look at dating or remarrying. I talk a lot about that here to help women to not make a wrong choice after divorce. (Judgment free!)
Thanks for sharing your story!
After 31 years of “trusting” and “believing” half full (not half empty); and then finally, finally, his sister told me to look up “gas lighting” and as if the last piece of the puzzle was in place — I saw the big picture! Every description from almost every website pointed to Narcissistic P. Disorder (which of course could never be diagnosed as he refused to take any responsibility for his behavior, etc.) and all the craziness now made sense. I realized that there was no hope for any healing for our marriage — I had to become hopeless that he would/could do anything more than being destructive. I had lots of pieces of the puzzle and could never get it figured out until I researched that term. Now, I could step back, see the big picture, and realize I was at the beginning of a very different journey. Trust was completely gone, and I had been conned for 3 decades, and once I made the decision that I needed to file for divorce, more truths and lies became revealed. I spent a lot of time in God’s Word, and how did I maintain limited/no contact? I read what Proverbs had to say about fools, the foolish, pride, the proud, and what to “NOT” say or do about them. Narcissists (very toxic, manipulating people) are either fools or evil or a combo (according to Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, “Necessary Endings” in Ch. 7) and once i realized that I had for years tried to reason with him (which is just fodder for a fool), it was all fruitless attempts to get to the heart of our issues. As I realized that I was dealing with abuse from a toxic person, I had two distinct feelings: a punch in the gut and a sense of calm and peace. I had to find a good therapist and a good attorney, both who understood narcissistic abuse — and I had to do a lot of work, but it is worth it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I won’t bore anyone with the details of our relationship, but I used to be a strong individual and it wore me down to feeling so insignificant it was scary. My dreams were trashed and discarded, but these were dreams built on a con. I now realize that any blessings I have from my marriage have never been the marriage itself, but by-products of the marriage: kids, grand-kids, and the people I met along the way that impacted me for the better. I have not missed him at all. Truth does set you free, and the truth can be quite painful. The resources available now are tremendous, but be wise in your research.
Yes, reading and highlighting Proverbs helped me too. “Necessary Endings” is a great book. Thanks for sharing your story, encouragement for others, and those resources. We’re all in this together.
Thank you ALL of you ladies for sharing. Currently in the divorce process and it’s so so painful. My heart and brain do battle every day and I’m so tired of it. Most of you mentioned the importance of “seeing the big picture”, “stepping back” and that helps re-ground me so much. Thank you for the reminder. Also the concept that the dreams falling away aren’t even possible with him, and to hand it all to God trusting He’s got the future. Thank you so much.
Jane, so glad you found encouragement and words of wisdom here today. Keep trusting God, He is walking with all of us… and He’s working it all out for good. Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
The thing that helped me the most was separating and then moving very slowly towards divorce, I could not see the forest, for the trees, at first. But time helped me to see more clearly how destructive my marriage had been to my whole person. I needed counseling,,,and I needed to read information on narcissists. I needed time and lots of prayer asking for wisdom. After 42 years of marriage, I was finally strong enough to go through the divorce process. But even now, I need to sometimes remind myself why I left and keep in prayer. I ask God to show me truth and He does. I encourage everyone to try and try again. If a marriage can be saved, this is a very good thing. But in our case, there were too many broken promises to change , and I finally gave up.
Shirley, yes! No one needs to make huge leaps or snap decisions. That’s why I talk so much about getting emotionally healthy. When we start working on our own healing, we start to see through the fog that kept us trapped in destructive marriages.
I am glad you found healing and God strengthened you to face what you needed to face. God showed me the truth too… and that helped me to say I was done. Thanks for sharing your story! I’m sure your encouragement will help many.
7 September will be 6 months since my divorce was finalised. We had been separated for a year before the divorce was finalised. I never wanted to leave, I still wanted to fight, regardless of how he treated me, you see I loved him. If I moved back, and then what? I had no answer to that and that lead to me filing for divorce. After 4 years of being emotionally and financially abused, not recognising who I was as I lived to please him, make him happy and do whatever possible to hold our marriage together, I decided to put myself first. I remember sitting outside the court house on the day and hoping he would appear and tell me that he was willing to fight for us, he was willing to find all the help possible to make us work. You see, according to him he was never wrong, I was the unstable and crazy one. He played the victim so well, I fell for it each time but I had to decide to live, to be happy, to be free. I went to bed alone at night as he preferred to sleep in the other room, then what was the difference in staying married and being single like now. I am happy.
So glad you found your happiness. Yes, they try to convince us that we’re crazy, even telling other people that we are to make themselves look better during and after divorce. They love to play the victim.
We are now victors. Thanks for sharing your story!
After 25 years of marriage and supporting my husband through bipolar disorder resulting in him having to give up his career and adjust to us role swapping, I was exhausted by working full time and doing everything at home too whilst he sat around doing nothing. There was no emotional support, no contribution to our family, no shared purpose. All I got was criticism for my efforts to do everything and keep a smile on my face so it all looked normal and happy to anyone looking in from outside. I’d come home from work in the evening to find dirty breakfast dishes still on the table. The grass would be a foot tall and he would not get out with the lawn mower. I’d ask what he had done all day as he sat in front of the TV with his computer on his lap, and he would answer “stuff”. Years before he had left me when our Children were small. He was gone 6 months before I convinced him to return and mend our family. 10 years later he confessed to an affair during that time after complete denials over the 10 years. I was stunned and gutted and though I tried to forgive I just could not see him or our relationship the same way. He had cheated and he’d lied. He blamed me for not being able to forgive, accepting no blame for his actions having hurt me. Then there were his suicide attempts as our relationship deteriorated. Each time I would support him through recovery and try to do more and more to hold the fragments of our lives together but there was increasingly little left to fight for. We separated and again I suggested help and more counselling. He attempted suicide again but this time he wrote a 10 page letter blaming me for everything wrong with our marriage. He didn’t just send it to me. He sent it to our 2 teenaged daughter’s and also to his 3 brothers. As I stood beside his hospital bed watching him on life support, I decided that if he survived, I would not continue to fight to save our marriage. It was over. I was exhausted, drained and empty and there wasn’t nothing left of value to save. We were all miserable and he wanted to lay all the blame for this at my feet. We have been divorced now for 3 months and since stepping back I have realised how self centred and narcissistic he is. He has brainwashed our younger daughter into hating me and threatens me if I try to contact her. I have regular counselling with a Christian counsellor and have reached a point where I know God hasn’t rescued me from an awful marriage and that my daughter, like the Prodigal Son, will return to me when God brings her back, and that I need to be ready, with Gods grace to welcome her back like the father in them parable. God has a plan for me and the next phase of my life and has set me on a new course free from the burden of the marriage I tried too hard to save for too long.
Sally, I understand that feeling of empty as well – nothing left to give. That’s how I knew I was done too.
I also lost my daughters to brainwashing and parental alienation but like you trust God to bring them back in His perfect time. I just pray for my kids to see the truth before they’re hurt any more than they already are. Walking with you!
Thanks for sharing your story and glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
I knew my marriage was over when…
…he was unrepentant and thought he was justified in carrying on a 2+ year affair with a woman in Japan…(travels there for his job)…
…he told me if I hadn’t have found out, he’d have kept leading his double life…
…he said I “made him have the affair”…
…he said he “should’ve divorced me a long time ago”…
…he wanted to leave “for 20 years” but “stayed for the kids…”
…he said he thought having an affair would be a “wake up call” for me…
…he said I needed to “win him back” instead of it being the other way around…
…he said he was “unwilling to go to counseling” to save our 35 year marriage…
…he said he wanted to “divorce me” and still live in the same house together but he could do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted…
I know that God removed me from his life to set me free…I’m almost a year now on the other side and I’m happier than I’ve ever been…I still have brief moments of grief from time to time but all his narcissistic mind games, sneaking around, and me walking on eggshells are over! Thank You, Jesus!! I do not miss that!
I never saw this coming, didn’t think I’d ever be divorced but I see now that I was in an abusive relationship for 35 years and Jesus was tired of seeing me hurting so He plucked me out!!
Your blog has really helped me with my healing and I’m so thankful for your ministry!!
I’m glad you see through all the bad to the good. Glad to have helped and walked with you on this divorce journey to healing. Thanks for sharing!
October 4, 2014 I caught my now ex-husband out on a late night drinks date with a newly divorced woman that he had been grooming for years (along with tons of others over the course of our 23 years together). We entered into counseling with our pastor in order to work on our marriage. During this time he started a lie-filled smear campaign behind my back with his coworkers and friends. He said I was \”crazy\” and \”never took good care of him\”. I found out this and much more nearly a year later while talking with someone who had a connection with his current job.
December 17, 2014 — my husband grabbed me around the waist and kissed me passionately and told me he loved me. Seven hours later he read me the Divorce Letter that he spent writing all day at work on December 13th. He said he wanted a divorce because I \”couldn\’t give him what he wanted\”……\”100% trust.\” He said I had \”trust issues\” and didn\’t want to be married to someone who didn\’t trust him 100%. Everything he wrote in the Divorce Letter made me feel like I was going crazy as none of it made sense and I felt like I had no clue who I was married to. I thought we had a pretty happy marriage and we built a nice life and family together. Little did I know at the time that I was married to someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Not diagnosed by a professional, but he meets the criteria from the DSM5.
A few weeks after he read me the Divorce Letter, he sat across the bed from me and listed off the names of three women I never heard of that he \”gave up\” for me. These women were not from before we got married, but were recent women that he met at work. They were a part of his harem of \”healthy female friends\”. You see, he said it\’s \”part of his DNA\” to have to close female friends and that\’s \”just who he is\”. He said, \”I can\’t tell whether they are female or male. They are sexless to me.\” Oh, the mind games!!!! I sat across from my husband of 20 years and even though he said he wanted a divorce, I was finally DONE! I got up and flushed the dried rose petals that I had been saving for 23 years down the toilet. I gathered up all my beautiful negligees and tossed them in the garbage. All the books I read to improve myself, because he had me so convinced that there was something wrong with me — they got tossed out too. This was the day I knew my marriage was over.
For a very long time I felt like I was going crazy and I was going to lose my mind. It took me months to realize that he had been lying to me and cheating on me from the very beginning. The very first time I thought he was cheating — he lied and said, \”she\’s just a friend.\” Funny how that\’s what he said about all of the other women. Including the one I caught him out on a date with and of course they were dating and sleeping together while we were still married. Oh, and my ex is a holy, \”Christian\” man. Yeah, right. He\’s got a lot of people fooled! When I thought my husband was having an affair when I was pregnant with our second child — he was. I have no doubt about it anymore, even though he will lie until his dying day that he didn\’t. He got fired from that job for having an affair with a woman below him in his department, but he lied and gave another reason for getting fired. He lied about what he did with the 100% naked strippers in Canada. He lied so much about stupid stuff that no one in their right mind would ever think to lie about. He made me doubt my memory on so many occasions and I have a really great memory!!
I looked my then husband in the face and said to him, \”Who are you?!\” and he said, \”I don\’t know.\” Exactly. Everything is a big act and he wears different masks for different audiences to get what he wants out of life. It\’s all a big game and a big con. I told him this at least a 100 times, \”God has seen everything you did to me for 23 years. All the lies. All the cheating. All the adultery. All the slander. All of it.\” And this does not bother him one bit. No remorse. I\’m sure he sleeps like a baby at night.
And through all this, God has been so faithful to me. I could go on and on about how much I have screwed up in the last almost four years. The gaslighting and how he was acting towards me (went from loving husband to evil husband overnight) drove me to the brink of insanity. I have battled with suicidal ideation. Drinking to numb the pain even though I knew it was bad for me. God has been faithful, faithful, faithful. He has opened doors, battled hard for me, picked me up again and again and brought the right people into my life. He has opened my eyes up wide to the truth which hasn\’t been easy to see. It\’s been very hard to accept that my husband never loved me. I thought he did, but if he did, he never would have lied and cheated on me from the very beginning. Love doesn\’t do that. I\’ve learned a lot and have so much more to learn. Don\’t give up ladies! It does get better. 🙂
Yes, it does get better. Thank you for sharing your story!
We went on vacation with my family and my husband declined to spend time with us. He went on long walks by himself. He never went on walks before. I found him in the hotel gym on long phone calls. He went to the pool by himself and left if we came. He had never been much on family activities and I spent our entire marriage parenting our two kids by myself. He couldn’t be bothered except to attend their games where he lived vicariously through their success on the court or field but was very harsh with them on their performance. I was expected to do everything at home including all yard work, etc. He never helped with holidays, birthdays and never bought me a gift for any occasion other than maybe a box of candy at Christmas but was very disappointed if I didn’t buy him the exact right gift. He was quite charming at church and taught SS. I couldn’t bear to keep attending his class with him pretending to be such a “great guy.” I homeschooled both kids and they are both very successful today. I knew on this vacation he was up to no good but quite frankly I was almost to the end of my rope. He had always been difficult on vacations and often threw some kind of fit on these trips. He filed for divorce a few months later but told me about a month after he had done so so he could get his ducks in a row. He was also busy during all this time securing his ow. I found out later his long walks were preparing to do a Mud Run with her. This makes me laugh today because he never worked out before although if you talked to him he would be the expert on working out. It’s my understanding this was short lived as he apparently weighs close to 300 now and drinks heavily. It has been very painful as I did not believe in divorce but marriage to him was lonely and miserable. I’m pushing forward every day. God has been there every step of the way. Still working on it.
Great to know your children are growing up well. And you are working through your healing. Glad to have you walking with us and thank you for sharing your story. God bless!
Lots of moments led to the knowing that my marriage was over. God literally pulling the veil back to show me how manipulative my husband had been to me our entire 25 year marriage, along with his ability to lie without blinking an eye….
After having to watch my husband ogle beautiful women everywhere we went and then deny knowing what in the world I was talking about, I started getting very firm about what I was seeing and what I expected going forward – him to get counseling, etc. I started to see that I shouldn’t be insecure, but that he was the one with the problem. God showed me my value and started strengthening me in Christ more and more.
We went to the beach as a family. At this point, I had been seeking counseling and we had gotten some counseling together. I had asked my husband to go on his own. He had gone once, maybe twice on his own, can’t remember. During this trip, once again, I saw him staring at other women. I brought this up respectfully to him later that night in bed. I was gaslighted, accused of being “sick – for thinking he would look at a girl our daughter’s age” – his reaction of disgust towards me respectfully stating my feelings was one I had grown accustomed to over the years. It was the only way to “work things out” with him – basically, you don’t.
I woke up the next morning, prayed in the shower, asking God for direction. I went to him later that morning, placed my hand on his knee and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I quietly and gently told him I knew he loved me (at the time I thought he did), but that we needed to work on rebuilding trust in our marriage. He replied with a “F- you” as he got up, reminded me how everything is my fault (gaslighted me big time). I reminded him that I wouldn’t talk to him when he was speaking to me that way, to which he replied that he was done playing by my rules (I think I had drawn boundaries in this area for a few months, which I guess was just much too long for him, lol). I reminded him about seeking counseling on his own to which he replied he was done going.
That was when I knew I was through. I asked for a separation a couple of days later and in one of our last arguments before that happened, one of the things he threw at me was he told me I was a bad mom for going to church…literally at this time, I was going every Sunday morning and every two weeks to a women’s Bible study on Wednesday night. When he said this, it was like confirmation from God that my husband was being used by the enemy to hold me back in my walk with Christ. More and more, as I asked God for confirmation that I was doing the right thing by separating and intiating divorce, God gave it. Every single time.
I strongly suspect my husband has been unfaithful to me. My spirit says he has. But, he is a very good hider. Always has been. Covert narcissism describes him very well. This aspect has been hard for me because honestly, I’d like the “smoking gun”. But, I know what God has told me – very specific things – about separating and divorcing. It shook all my views up about divorce. They were stripped away, those old legalistic views.
I wonder one day, though, if I will know more of the truth.
Yes, I think many of us can relate. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless!
I knew my marriage was over when I also ended up committing adultery. My husband had multiple affairs during our 20 years of marriage and months before and during the time I had the affair I discovered various text messages Between him and not with one but multiple women Very explicit and dirty messages. When he discovered I had an affair he said he wanted to work things out but although I had forgave him multiple times even a 7 year affair he had with a younger woman ,he dedicated 2 years of punishing me and shaming me for what I had done, including laughing at my bible posts on social media and harassing me about attending counseling and church events in which I was trying to heal for what I had done. I was ashamed and I wanted God to forgive me so I was looking for that redemption and healing for myself and my marriage. I begged for us to attend counseling but he said no, you need to fix this I don’t need anyone knowing my business. While I was trying to please him and make up for my mistakes he continued to hang out after work with someone (a female worker) He had a tracker on my phone and although i was able to see where he was as well I was not allow to question anything because I had lost all rights. I decided to leave and after I left he went on a smear campaign at the church which everyone believed him and now he frequently attends and is friends with everyone, before he would not allow me to hang out with church friends nor attend all events he would say everyone at church was fake and I was a hypocrite painting a righteous person to everyone. It’s been 6 months and I am finally healing of this toxic marriage and of my self inflicted traumas. I still struggle with guilt and I am not proud of ending up doing something I said I would never do. I know God forgives true repentance but I am struggling forgiving myself for Sinning in that matter against God.
Thank you Marina for being so brave and sharing this part of you! You doing this should help you release the shame even more – those who bring their sins out into the Light are forgiven! Narcissistic, cheaters and abusers do live a double standard life. They feel so much shame that they refuse to bring into the Light (as your story shared) that they want to bring other people down with them. My ex-husband used to bring up my pre-marital sex as a way to shame me and excuse his cheating. I was the sinner, not him. Or I was “holier than thou” because I said I was forgiven because I repented. I’m neither! I’m redeemed. You are too, Marina! Walk in God’s forgiveness and redemption!
Thank you ☺️
This brings so much hope to my heart
I knew my marriage was over and he lied to me about pornography again. Six months prior I had found out that once again he’s been using drugs and watching pornography behind my back. We went to our church for help we both went to marriage counselling and we had our own counselling as well. For us to work on this marriage my requirements were no drinking no drugs and no lying. As I talked with my counsellor and I started to really think about how he had been treating me I started to realise how emotionally abusive he really was. It was also a part of me that didn’t really believe that he would actually take responsibility for his actions. He was so good at saying the right thing he just wasn’t very good at doing the right thing. So when he used pornography again and didn’t tell me the whole truth I said well you lied to me and you’ve broken the nonnegotiable so we need to talk about what we’re gonna do. I wanted To have a healing separation where we just focused on ourselves for awhile but then he said that wasn’t working. It was amazing once he had left how much happier how much less anxiety and fear I had in my life. I didn’t have much extra work to do because I was already doing most of the parenting and handling all the other responsibilities of a house anyway. Now I just didn’t have someone criticising them for little in me while I did them. A number of times he has wanted to talk about us getting back together or having hope for our marriage or wanting reconciliation. At the moment I have yet to see him respecting my boundaries or treating me with respect. The trust in our marriage has been broken so many times by him and I know that I can stand before the Lord and say I did everything that I could for this marriage. However as somebody else said I am important not just my marriage
After nearly 18 years of marriage, I uncovered three affairs in seven months.
DISCOVERY 1: Jan.
He said it was a one-time fling because I’d made him feel abandoned when he’d been ill for a year. Although totally devastated — I couldn’t stand up or eat, I vowed to rebuild our marriage — so when our 20th anniversary came. we’d have an amazing testimonial. I dived into individual therapy, attended a women’s retreat to overcome my “sexual anorexia” and anorgasmia (which contributed to him straying, he said) and devoured self-help books.
DISCOVERY 2: April
After learning this affair involved swingers, I marched into a divorce lawyer’s office. Convinced that sexual sin was hard to overcome and he just needed more time and help, I vowed to stay married for our kids. He showed tiny signs of wanting to improve, although he couldn’t identify the woman who sent an image of her breasts.
DISCOVERY 3: July
After seeing another incriminating message from a third woman, he denied the affair and claimed his email had been hacked. The woman’s husband confirmed the affair and several days later, my husband fessed up.
My big awakening was hearing my best friend tell me, “He doesn’t respect you AT ALL!”
Having replayed every scene from our marriage, I identified patterns of disrespect and deceit! These affairs revealed the bigger truth: He had not been kind or honest from the beginning.
And he was not repentant at all. In fact, he declared me his enemy and said he’d intended to hurt me.
My pastor confirmed that it was time to divorce, saying I needed to exit the marriage and allow God to handle him.
Six weeks later, we were divorced.