Forgiveness is not something you just decide you’re going to do, and immediately it happens, although many people still think that’s how it’s supposed to work. That’s why I talk about forgiveness is a process and even wrote an entire forgiveness series sharing the truth and myths associated with forgiveness. Even with much of what I said, I still hear, I’m unable to forgive.
The difficulty with “forgiveness” is because many of us are working through healing when the other person has never even acknowledged his actions and lies were told to cover up any and all sin. Added to that is the fact that we were blamed when “his choices” were never really our fault.
How do you process through forgiveness with the apology you never received and the lack of repentance on the part of the person who abused or hurt you?
This is a tough topic, so I asked that very question on Twitter (my preferred social media these days). The conversation was very thought-provoking as we dove deeper into forgiveness, confession, and repentance – and how it’s all related. It got me thinking about how we wanderers on this journey to divorce (and abuse or infidelity) healing can let go of the harm that has been done to us and “move on” (as they say).
I’m not very good at taking the high road or being the bigger person… so those are not phrases you’ll hear too often out of my mouth. I honestly prefer to find the emotionally healthy path (lots and lots of blog posts), no matter what that looks like. So that’s why this topic of “forgiveness” has come up yet again. Survivors and thrivers are still asking how do we forgive… or is it even necessary?
“If your brother sins and disregards God’s precepts, solemnly warn him; and if he repents and changes, forgive him. Even if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him [that is, give up resentment and consider the offense recalled and annulled].” {Jesus’ words} – Luke 17:3-4 AMP
What if he’s not repentant nor seeking my forgiveness?
In the Jewish faith, many Rabbis talk about the three levels of forgiveness. The three Hebrew words, mechilah, selichah, and kapparah all share a similar synonym to forgiveness but help us to understand the process of forgiveness for the offender and the offended party. Mechilah (or “wiping away”) is the most important word that the offended party needs to understand because it is our response to the offender’s actions and hopefully restitution. I also think it helps to explain Jesus’ words in Luke 17.
Rabbi David J. Blumenthal explained it well when he said:
For example, a woman who has been battered by her husband, or abused by her father, is not obliged to grant such a person mechilah unless he has, first, desisted from all abusive activity; second, reformed his character through analysis of sin, remorse, restitution, and confession; and third, actually asked for forgiveness several times. Only then, after ascertaining that he is sincere in his repentance, would a woman in such a situation be morally bound, though not legally obligated, to offer the offender mechilah.
The second kind of forgiveness is “forgiveness” (selichah). It is an act of the heart. It is reaching a deeper understanding of the sinner. It is achieving an empathy for the troubledness of the other. Selichah, too, is not a reconciliation or an embracing of the offender; it is simply reaching the conclusion that the offender, too, is human, frail, and deserving of sympathy. It is closer to an act of mercy than to an act of grace. A woman abused by a man may never reach this level of forgiveness; she is not obliged, nor is it morally necessary for her, to do so. (Source)
He goes on to say that the third kind of forgiveness, kapparah or atonement, is only granted by God. No amount of forgiveness on our part for another human being, even a spouse, ex-spouse, or another family member, can save them from eternal death. Forgiveness, available for all, is given as a pardon after repenting.
If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose]. If we say that we have not sinned [refusing to admit acts of sin], we make Him [out to be] a liar [by contradicting Him] and His word is not in us. – 1 John 1:9-10
“I’m sorry… but.”
Not too many people are very good at making a true apology and making restitution for their actions. (I’m sure I’m not very good at this either.) But hearing someone’s sincere pain and hurt, in a healthy and assertive way (“I felt ____ when you ____”), should stir some empathy in a (normal) person’s heart so that they at least try to apologize for any harm that was done and any feelings that were hurt.
“Well, if you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done that!” is an excuse, rationalization, and blame rather than an apology.
“I know what I did but I don’t have to explain anything to you; it’s none of your business!” is just another way to cover the sin and make you feel bad for even asking for the truth.
“I’ve already asked God for forgiveness! You’re just unforgiving!” is a plain lie because God would’ve convicted him to confess and try to make restitution.
I’m sorry but… is just not enough. It doesn’t include the 3 R’s of accountability: repentance, restitution, and responsibility. Furthermore, even if “I’m sorry” is said, most abusive men are only sorry that they got caught or feel bad for the losses they’re experiencing because of their own actions rather than feeling remorse or convicted for the pain that they’ve caused anyone else – including their own children. They’re really unwilling to be responsible for their actions. (They need to teach this stuff in school!)
What would happen if you were given an apology?
In my case, there has never been a true confession of any wrongdoings or any sign of guilt – I know I will never know all the times I or our marriage was sinned against. I had to find out about all of the affairs after he was caught, through other people, or by viewing bank statements (showing expenses that proved an affair was going on). I think there is a real difference between admitting to sin and confessing to doing something you know would hurt anyone (including yourself) and being caught and trying to make an apology after. Admitting to sin is an acknowledgment that real harm has been done to another human. And remorse is feeling empathetic to the pain and harm that was inflicted onto someone else.
I’ve talked to both men and women who commit adultery and confessed, acting out true repentance (a 180-degree change in behavior and heart attitude), before being caught. In many of those cases, the relationship was healthier after, even if the marriage ended in divorce. A person who hides their offenses and only reveals enough to say “sorry, it won’t happen again” is not really taking responsibility and not seeking true restitution. And I’m not seeing how anyone can be emotionally healthy around someone who still blames the victim for the affairs and subsequent divorce.
Truthfully, how would we know a pathological liar was being sincere in his apology or telling the truth with a confession? For me, I’d have to see long-term, years and years, of heart-change-repentance before I would ever believe an apology was even a tiny bit sincere. I just couldn’t believe it was real even if it was. I’ve seen what I thought was repentance, for it to only to be deception. I’ve been fooled so many times, now my jaded heart is much more realistic and cautious with people who’ve repeatedly lied to me in the past. (Integrity and compassion are very important character qualities to me).
If I can’t forgive, then what?
This is the hard part of the journey. The practice of taking your focus off what he did, continues to do, and his lack of repentance… and turning it back onto your own healing. If we are to follow Jesus’ example, then forgiveness is only extended after we see real heart repentance, complete responsibility takes place (repeatedly) and restitution is sought.
Since that may never happen, we have to focus on our own healing, moving past bitterness and not seeking vengeance which belongs to God.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. – Romans 12:19
Where is your focus? While married maybe all of your focus was on him, his world, and pleasing him (as we talked about last week) – which makes focusing on your own healing hard – but now you have lots of room in your life to focus on yourself, your healing journey, and your God-given purpose which is up ahead. That’s the journey to peace and a thriving life after divorce.
The power of indifference.
Just like his actions speak louder than words, after your healing, so will yours! You’ll get to the point that no matter what he does or continues to do, you won’t allow him to hurt you anymore. Or control your life – even indirectly – by causing you to continue to be angry, bitter, or vengeful. You are indifferent to his life (Chump Lady calls it getting to “Meh”) and he’s no longer your problem or even concern. He and all his mistress, girlfriend, and new wife drama only prove to you that you are in a much better place – far, far away from him.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”I’m sorry but… is not a real apology. How do we process through our healing when we’ve never received an apology?” tweet=”I’m sorry but… is not a real apology. How do we process through our healing when we’ve never received an apology?”]
Join the conversation, what do you believe to be true about forgiveness when there has been no repentance. Have to received a sincere apology? Did you believe it?
{Be kind! I reserve the right to delete comments. Real name not required.}
May God bless your healing journey,
Wow. I so desperately needed to hear this. I have been struggling with Gods need for me to forgive and have actually accomplished it somewhat with the “only human” narrative. I know I don’t want to dehumanize anyone. It gives me such relief knowing that I can embrace my indifference and not feel fully forgiving at the same time. I didn’t get a “honest” apology nor did his behavior ever change the 10 years after his first infidelity was exposed by my kids, at the time age 15 & 19. I am beyond comprehension why my children had to be victims too. Just sharing that information brings back the furor in my soul. He ended up running off with a younger woman in the end. I experienced emotional and financial abuse, ever so covertly. In my opinion, he will never understand the pain and heart ache he caused me, my children and his 3 children. He just bounces off like a small child mimicking Tigger. (Even though I love tigger, you get my comparison). It’s all about him and his needs and we (kids & step kids too) can not change him. He’s already moved in on a new family, and they are in for some disappointment if he doesn’t see how his ongoing, unremitting deception pattern needs to STOP for the love of GOD. I do continue to pray for his repentance to the Lord. His apology to me was embellished with “it cuts both ways”. That is not an apology for infidelity. I DID NOT CAUSE his behavior nor am I responsible for it. This marriage failure stat of 50/50 is just not true. There is usually always one spouse who manufactures the majority of the problems in the failed marriage. Thank you for this blog this week. It has truly calmed my understanding of forgiveness?. Teri G
You’re welcome! I knew it needed to be said for women just like you and me who need this type of reassurance. I’m also glad I waited until I had as much research and wisdom on the topic that I could offer at this time.
Thank you for investigating this topic. It’s so important.
I have thought about forgiveness a lot and thought I would point out a few key points from scripture.
• Colossians 3:13 says “Forbearing one another and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: Even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye”. Ask yourself, how did Christ forgive me/us? Did he sprinkle forgiveness dust around freely and forgive people without them even wanting it? Didn’t he require us to confess our sins (I John 1;9) and repent (Luke 13:3 and many other verses) of them? If we are following Christ’ example, I do not believe he would expect us or demand for us to do something he didn’t do. Are we wrong to forgive without someone asking for it? No, the Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8), so if someone says something that hurts us, if we love them, its okay to “write off the debt” because we love them and don’t want it to come between us.
• I do believe that the Bible is clear on the part that we are not to harbor bitterness, evil thoughts, or evil speaking (Eph 4:31-32) but instead we are to be kind.
• Jesus doesn’t cancel our sin debt without repentance, why would we cancel someone’s sin debt to us without it? Only God is powerful enough to forgive sin (sinner on the Cross). I do not see examples in the Bible of God telling us to forgive or cancel the sin debt of others regardless of if they are sorry or not.
All great points! Thank you for sharing and joining the discussion.
This was a great blog! When I found out about my ex-husband’s infidelity, I told him that him and his grandma- girlfriend belonged with each other. I didn’t care who did the pursuing- she knew he was a married man with kids and they deserved each other. And he was mad that he got caught and had the nerve to tell me he would never forgive me. So this is what got me through-I didn’t need an apology because both of them will stand before God one day to account for this sin. I constantly pray to God that He created them, He loves them and they are His. Whenever he gets on his rant I tell him to keep his list and when he gets in front of God to account for his life, let Him know cause I am sure God would love to hear it. As for the responsibility of raising my two girls on my own – children are a blessing of the Lord and God blessed me with two beautiful girls and my God-given responsibility to love and nurture them. I can’t be responsible for my ex’s lack of responsibility- his day will come. I don’t give him any head space nor exhaust any energy into his craziness which is what probably drives his narcissistic self crazy! Thanks for the great article.
Good for you! Great healing! And you’re welcome. 🙂
I’ve been thinking about this, too, Jen. Especially since unsaved relatives are watching. Forgiveness occurs in the heart, between a person and God, and recognizes we’ve all sinned. Reconciliation addresses the relationship between a person and the ex-spouse.
If abuse ended the marriage, forgiveness is possible, but reconciliation may be inadvisable. If the abuser is unrepentant, further damage can be expected from any contact. Protect yourself and keep your distance. Instead of praying for God to bless the abuser, hand the abuser over to God. Reconciliation says the abuser’s actions were okay, which is the wrong message. Stay out of the way and let the Holy Spirit work. (Easier for those of us without shared custody.)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Cathy. That’s exactly what I talked about in one of my other blog posts about forgiveness – What Forgiveness is Not (http://jengrice.com/forgiveness-what-it-is-not/) – especially reconciliation.
This is a great article I was married 39 years to a man that I met in college. I married him at age 18 and he blindsided me at age 57 with a divorce He showed no emotion, no tears , nor did he apologize. I got a letter in the mail from his attorney stating “your husband has retained me to terminate your marriage” He blamed it on “empty nest syndrome” I did not know at the time that he had a woman on the side…she is 18 years younger and has six boys ?. I did not find out until 3 1/2 years later, 2 months before we started court. I have four adult children and six grandkids. The divorce lasted 5 1/2 years and he just stopped paying my alimony after only one and a half years He retired and sold our business after the divorce of course and I got nothing. He sent me an email right before he sold the business and said he was not going to support me anymore and said facetiously “enjoy living on 1200 a month” which is half of his Social Security. I am turning 65 in 15 days! My problem is forgiving someone who has never shown one bit of remorse for anything he did during or after the marriage. . He set out to ruin me financially. ?. I know forgiveness is supposed to be for myself, but one time I asked him if he was going to apologize for something he did…this was when we were married ) his response was ALWAYS “ YOU MAKE ME SORRY” I was always so hurt when he would say that and I still find it difficult to forgive him I was always so hurt when he would say that and I still find it difficult to forgive him How does one deal with this type of person that has no feelings whatsoever ? Thanks. Karen
Oh, Karen, your pain is so familiar. Even with the financial hit (hope you have a great lawyer!), it sounds like you’re better off without him. Forgiving has been a long process for me. Writing all my angry thoughts and memories helps me stop carrying it around. My go-to Bible verse has been Isaiah 26:3 Keep your mind on God and He’ll give you peace. When an angry thought comes up, I redirect my brain to Jesus… hundreds of times a day.
And, as Jen recommends, no contact! Peace is coming! Big hug!
Thank you, Cathy, for reaching out in our community and encouraging someone else. Much appreciated!!
Thank you, Jen, for continuing to be an advocate for healing for the “hidden abuse!” Forgiveness is so multi-layered and when you dig into the Hebrew language (always insightful), it brings it to the surface much better than secular discussions on the subject. I am blessed that I forgave him, and I knew I never would/never will get reconciliation with my ex. This is a clear example I give sometimes: [Me: “You never apologize for anything you’ve done wrong.” Him: “That’s important to you, isn’t it?”] The usual response from others is, “wow!” Yes, that is telling in so many ways before I ever knew the term covert narcissist. I have never been bitter because I knew why he is who he is, and I had to retrain my brain to believe that even though God can do anything, He may want me out of this 3 plus decade marriage. I am just past my 2nd anniversary of my divorce and it is amazing that now it is a date on the calendar, and doesn’t evoke the sadness of everything I had to go through. Forgiveness frees me up. I’ve seen him twice (I moved out of state) and the last time, 5 months ago, I saw the new wife with him. No words have been exchanged and I was unaffected by his presence. To me, these are the milestones of healing. The effects of other things are present, but he is not part of it anymore. Again, I enjoy your posts and all that you do to help others move forward and baby steps are OK, just keep moving forward.
That’s great Becky Sue! I’m always happy to hear someone is seeing the healing they’ve done. God bless!
Hi Jen, I am so glad you wrote this post. I’ve struggled a lot with what forgiveness means and looks like in my situation. I can relate to Cathy, who said just to hand him to God. My x is someone who can apologize a thousand times a day but the behavior never changes. I know that I’m in a better place now than I was then- even though staying married seemed like the “right” thing .Forgiveness is not condoning abusive behavior! Thanks for writing this. Wish I had found your blog sooner! Blessings! ?
I’m glad it helped! The best apology is changed behavior… so someone who continues to say he’s sorry but never does the work to change, his apologies are meaningless. His actions speak louder than his words.
Thank you for this blog. So timely for me personally as I struggle with this idea of forgiving someone who during our 30 year marriage was unfaithful more than once (at least 4-5 times that I am now aware of) emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive to myself and our two girls. We are divorced now it was finalised in May of this year, he has married his last affair partner just three days ago of which most of his family seemed to have embraced (Christian family) particularly my x mother-in-law and his sister. My children (adults) are now very much cut off, ( their words) their has never really been an apology, only thing like, “ I am sorry we did have some good years but you have to ask yourself why I had to have those affairs, etc, etc.”. I and my children have felt real pressure to “ just forgive” by some x family members.
One of my girls did go to her Fathers wedding, she and her husband didn’t want to but she said that it was easier to go than manage the fall out from her Father if she didn’t go. She told me she just feels ‘meh’ about the whole thing. Which is a word left in a previous comment, I was very interested to read that and found that very helpful also.
I and rambling now, so thank you so much Jen, I have followed your blogs for a couple of years and never commented however this was so timely for me, it fact a real blessing as I walk this road.
You’re welcome! I’m glad this helped you. And thanks for joining the conversation. I enjoy hearing from all readers when they’re comfortable.
My marriage was plagued with infidelity also. I have chosen to suspend forgiveness until I know for a fact he is a changed man and has sought true repentance from God. I refuse to be seen as the scapegoat. I suppose I will know one day when he genuinely gives me an apology and assumes 100% responsibility for the failure of our marriage. This may never happen and that is okay. Not everyone who is sick wants to get well.
Exactly! That’s a very good way to look at things. Thanks for sharing!