Living with and being married to a narcissist can be impossible. Healing after divorcing a narcissist is almost as difficult. But there is hope! Hope for the future, free from oppression and entanglement.
The relationship with the narcissist probably sucked the entire life out of you. Your life became his, an extension of him, and now you have to recreate your own life again while healing from betrayal trauma, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and so much more.
It’s often hard to know where to begin this uphill journey – a battle to rebuild your life and your self-worth. But… I have been through it, survived, and now thrive. You can get through this as well. You just have to take things one step at a time.
Let’s walk this path together… journey to being emotionally healthy after divorce.
Your good qualities made you a target.
If you are the caregiving and servant-hearted-type person then you’re well sought after by a narcissist who needs someone to take care of him (or her).
Understanding these dynamics helps you to heal. It’s not that you went out looking for a narcissist to marry, but the narcissist was looking for someone just like you to take care of him.
While married to the narcissist you probably realized that your needs weren’t important and your only purpose was to be the maid, servant, prostitute, and more… while receiving breadcrumbs in return. After divorce, it’s time to take your life back, care for yourself, and focus on your achievement.
It’s harder than people realize to separate from a narcissist.
A caregiving victim of a narcissist must do things to keep the narcissist happy, from threatening to leave, or because of the codependent-type relationship that has formed through the slow process of trauma bonding – through devaluation, manipulation, and circling your entire life around the narcissist spouse.
But as survivors and thrivers, we learn that we must take the steps towards getting out of that round-and-round relationship that is going nowhere and is not emotionally healthy for ourselves or our children.
Not everyone is codependent.
Did you know that you can enter into a relationship with a narcissist, become entangled, enable bad behavior, and find it difficult to leave, but not be a codependent person? I believe that word is thrown around, especially to women divorcing a narcissist, when it’s not always true.
I believe we’re taught by the Church and through marriage ministries to not only become dependent only on our husbands but also to idolize our marriage. Marriage becomes this sacred union that can never be broken – not even in cases of infidelity or abuse. When we put the marriage institution above the people in the marriage, we hurt the people that God cares about very much. Hearts are broken and hardened, sometimes beyond repair.
As Gary Thomas stated, I believe God doesn’t care about shells, He cares about people living inside those shells (the marriage institution)… thriving… even after divorce.
No contact is necessary for your healing.
Women often ask me how to move on to healing and thrive… while staying married to and/or living with their ex-husband. To them I always respond with, I cannot see how you’ll heal if you don’t go “no contact” during and after divorce.
During this time of no contact, you’re able to feel the mental fog clear, deprogram from the abuse, untangle emotionally, and educate yourself about what healthy relationships look like. The knowledge of the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships teaches you what to accept in your current relationships (even with your husband/ex-husband) and what to look for in all future relationships.
You must untangle and let go.
You do this by going no contact, educating yourself on the narcissistic relationship dynamics that not only got you into the relationship but kept you trapped there, and how to let go and move on.
There is hope and healing after divorce – even from a narcissist. Keep working on your healing while embracing the future. It does get better.
One year from now you think very differently than you do today… as long as you keep moving forward with your healing, deprogramming, and working on getting the toxicity out of your system.
What lessons have you learned during your healing after divorce from a narcissist? What’s the biggest struggle that holds you back from untangling and moving forward?
May God bless your healing journey,
Related Posts:
- What is a Narcissist? Am I the Narcissist?
- Learning to Not Take Another Person’s Anger Personally
- How Loving a Narcissist Hurts You
Hi Jen,
I have found your website, blogs and videos to be so helpful. Thank you so much for the work that you do. I have a question for you. I was doing some work today for a womenskills 2 class that I am taking at church. I had a breakthrough thought today about a pattern in my life of holding on to toxic relationships. My marriage ended 10 months ago and my ex husband was using pornography and having emotional affairs and who knows what else during our entire 17 year relationship. I held on to that toxic relationship and would not let go. Well, I realize that I have been doing the same thing since I was about 7 years old. I lived with my grandparents (who were safe, healthy and loving) until I was 7. Then I moved across the country to live with my mom and step father who were toxic, selfish and verbally and emotionally abusive. My childhood friends from that time on were also toxic, and then of course my ex husband. I have always held on to toxic people like I was holding onto a prized possession. Do you have a Biblical explanation as to why I would hold on to these toxic relationships? In the last 10 months, I have been in several groups at 4 different churches in my area and I have been blessed by incredible friendships. I wonder now, why was it so hard to let go of these toxic relationships? My only thought was that I didn’t know how to trust the Lord. I am slowly learning that now. I am a new Christian. I became a Christian in 2012. I had been struggling with my ex husband’s sex addiction, porn addiction and integrity issues since 2001 and that lead me to the Lord. Becoming a Christian is the biggest blessing from that struggle.
Michelle, I wouldn’t say there is a “Biblical” reason why you find and feel most comfortable in toxic relationships. I have a degree in psychology and know there are relationship patterns that become our “normal”. This is the reason, in my opinion. Your parents became your basis for how relationships should go, even after living with your loving grandparents for the first 7 years. Now, you need to reprogram your brain to protect yourself from toxic people and find emotionally healthy people for your inner circle. I talk all about that on this website and on my YouTube channel – because that was my experience as well.
It’s been nearly a year since I divorced a narcissist after 18 years of marriage.
I stayed married until learning about a third affair (all discovered within eight months). I didn’t even know I was married to a narc until one of his affair partners contacted me four days after the divorce.
Once I learned about the covert, passive aggressive narc, my entire relationship was illuminated!
Now I see his behavior in such narc-style, it’s like he’s following a narc handbook.
More importantly, having dated now for seven months, I have fully realized how poorly I was treated for decades. When I tell my male friend how much I appreciate him opening doors, refilling my drink and driving, he says it’s
“common courtesy.” But I remind him these small but meaningful gestures weren’t “common” at all to me.
I hope you’re getting all your healing done before dating. So many women start dating way too quickly after divorce – usually less than a year. I trust you have done the work. May God bless your new relationship! 🙂
Hi Jen. I am just recently divorced after 3 horrid nightmare years of a divorce from a narc and over $200k in Atty fees. We were married for over 30 years with 3 sons.
Without going into all the gory details, (lol)
I love your book, You can survive divorce.
I’m looking for a meet-up women’s support group in the Bartlett/ Naperville area. Thought I saw one, but can’t find it now. Can you be of any help here please?
Thanks for reading my book. I appreciate it. I’d love it if you could leave a review on Amazon as well. 🙂 As far as the meet-up, I can only assume you saw a link under divorce support groups and communities on my resources page.
Dear Jen,
I’ve read a LOT of blogs over the last 18 months but this is the first time I have felt the need to comment. I just want to say a huge thank you for your articles and videos, which have helped me on some of the hardest days. I left my marriage after my husband’s behaviour and attitude drove me to breaking point, but despite my friends, family and our couples counsellor’s opinion that his behaviour was abusive and not changing and that I was right to leave (and knowing this deep down myself, realising he was narcissistic), I still did not feel ‘justified’ in leaving as he wasn’t ‘bad enough’. The guilt and shame have been immense as well as the fear of the unknown. I have worried hugely there is something ‘wrong’ with me (co-dependency) or that I deserve God’s punishment for breaking my marriage vows by leaving (no matter how many times it is pointed out that he broke them first). He has tried very hard to win me back promising change, which has made me feel even more guilty and question my decision all over again countless times ( of course this had happened repeatedly throughout our 11 years together and promises for change were never kept but I always took him back).
I’m starting to break-free from all that craziness now, believe in myself more and be hopeful for my life going forward. I’m sure a lot of the reason I stayed wasn’t only of a fear of hurting him and others, but also severely low self esteem in relationships which I could definitely link back to my childhood – work to be done there which may be painful but positive going forward.
Please continue your work and I’m sure you will help countless others like me find support and peace during this difficult time in our lives.
Many thanks again
Victoria
Hello, Victoria,
I get it – my ex was so “covert” in his narcissism and my faith in God was so strong that in prayer, God spoke clearly to me and even though I didn’t know the word, “narcissist” in this toxic sense, I struggled so much. This was going on 32 years of marriage so it wasn’t until his sister told me to look up the word, gaslighting. The final piece of the puzzle. Before that, I had struggled with what to do, etc. One of the best things to help me figure out how to stay No Contact was reading Proverbs and mark what the Word says in how to deal with scoffers, fools, the foolish, etc. It will open your eyes, and keep you from trying to “explain” or “reason” with someone who willl not ever be accountable for their part. Also, Jen has some incredible blogs and great topics, and also look up Leslie Vernick on YT; she has an abundant of Scripture to back up how to take care of yourself and your husband/ex is accountable to God for what he does. I found her blogs, books from Divorce Care resources. They say divorcing a narcissist is 1000X more difficult than a divorce…I believe it. Healing comes in layers…and counting your blessings. Best of luck! You are stronger than you think you are! Thanks to Jen for these incredible insights on this post!
You’re very welcome!
How do you do no contact when you have children and share custody?
Jenn, I talk about “limited contact” in the video shared above.
My ex husband has gaslight and lied to me. Abused me. I don’t know what some days are harder. I read up on everything. His constant lies came into coparenting. He told me he was not with anyone. Lies. One day tried sleeping with me after our divorce finalized and that same day he tried to sleep with me- found out this same woman he lied though our separation was in the car dropping off our son to daycare 3 days earlier. His lies have been the issue and the constant disrespect. It sickens me. How do I let go of such injustices?