I grew up living in fear. The unhealthy fear of waking my mother (who worked midnights most of my childhood), of making her mad, of not being home when she said, or of talking back and not doing what she asked. I’ve spent my entire life tiptoeing around the house and keeping everything put away because that’s how I was raised.
Not that those are bad things to do.
While married, when I was yelled at and I saw the rage surface, that fear came back up. Although it rarely was, I always felt the next step was going to be physical violence – the same violence experienced at the hands of my psychologically disordered mother.
I also felt fear when I heard the word “divorce” threatened to me over and over again during an argument. There is a terrifying feeling of uncertainty and a world of unknowns when just hearing that word, let alone experiencing it. This is how toxic people keep the control in the relationship. They rock your security and pull the rug out from under you as soon as you feel secure in the relationship.
I heard that threat for the very last time in December 2012. It was then that decided I could no longer stay on this known emotional roller coaster, I was ready to take the unknown path by asserting a tough-love attitude and let things fall where they may. I messaged a cousin (by marriage – but we had become close friends) letting her know that I may no longer be part of the family. She said she understood and wished me well.
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The fear of the unknown.
During a marriage, even full of adultery, abuse, and addiction, it becomes easier to stay right where you are. I know I did that myself for well over a decade. The world that you know and have lived is so much easier to accept than separation and divorce.
The fear of that unknown world is the first fear most of us encounter when we think about or hear the word “divorce.” There is so much uncertainty in that word divorce when all you’ve ever known is marriage and family. When all you’ve known was financial security and protection.
We can’t ever see into the future, but we can know Who is already there. We just have to trust Him.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. – 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
The fear of actually being whole and happy.
Divorced women are victims of their circumstances. We feel damaged – like trash that was thrown away. Lost without a husband; the protection and security we were used to. But we can also have victory over those same circumstances. This includes being whole, valuable, and even finding joy after a divorce.
For many this is unfathomable. They tell me, “they’ll never be happy” or “never trust a man again.”
But this line of thinking, that life will never be good without a husband comes straight from the enemy Satan. His two main missions are to destroy families and then, to make matters worse, get you to think you’ll never recover. Don’t allow him to keep you locked in this negative thinking.
You can conquer your fear and anxiety and go on to have a good life after divorce. You can find your purpose, be a servant at any age, and be of great value to The Kingdom. And you may even find hope and happiness… maybe even a new love (someday after healing) that you can trust with your heart. But let me be clear, that happiness should be in place before that new relationship. Two unhappy people don’t make each other happy, they actually make each other miserable.
So, be whole and happy finding your worth in God… then He’ll give you someone to be happy with, in His perfect time.
The fear of not being provided for.
I have known this fear well. We’re actually very good friends, we go WAY back. Back to the days when I knew a divorce would financially ruin me. It kept me trapped in thinking I needed to stay married, to stay off welfare or to not be homeless with three little kids.
But I’m here as a witness to God’s providence. Praise the Lord we’ve survived living just above the poverty level for the last five years. You heard that right! Each year I’ve had an income at or less than $25K. Yet, we’ve never gone hungry, we’ve never been homeless, and the utilities have never been shut off (I’ve never even received a late notice). Actually, I paid off my van early and I’ve saved for my next. Although we’d love to have more, we have everything we need. All provided by God!
The reason I no longer live in fear… the fear of the unknown, the fear of the future, and why I now live redeemed… is because I now know God is faithful, can be trusted, and He always provides for His children. He has never let me down… not even once!
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”We can trust the unknown future of #divorce, and life after, to a known God.” tweet=”We can trust the unknown future of #divorce, and life after, to a known God.”]
Give God your complete surrender.
When I decided I was done allowing the word “divorce” to control me, I decided to surrender everything to God’s will and trust Him with my future. I said the phrase so few are willing to say… “Lord, Your will be done!” And I meant it. I only wanted to live inside of God’s will for my life… and I still do.
It’s not always easy to hand over this amount of control of our lives. To not plan out our entire future. To not know where this path will lead. There is fear of the unknown – what could happen and will happen. But God is faithful to keep His promises to restore and redeem us, just like He did for Ruth and Naomi. All throughout the Bible, He shows His loving kindness towards His people. Once you surrender, you are His people too… and if you don’t already know, He will take care of you.
God doesn’t want us to live in fear of the worst thing that could happen. That’s because even when bad things do happen… and we all know they do… He’ll be there and things will be worked out for good.
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Can you relate? Are you relying on God so fear doesn’t control you or your redeemed future?
May God bless your healing journey,
That sounds like me, hanging on for almost 11 years because I didn’t know how I would make it.( while he threatened to leave and did leave multiple times). Now he is gone and I’m learning to trust God as my disability has just been raised to 1000.00 a month, I don’t drive and I’m caring for my mom with dementia. But God is faithful and I’m learning the importance of trusting more in Him than man. It is quite a journey!!
Yes, Donna, very similar stories we have. And the disabilities too. So glad you did get a raise in your Social Security but yeah, $12K/year is still well below poverty. I pray God’s providence for you. Big hugs! And glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
Hi Jen! Another right on message! I too felt the same way…..fear was a constant companion until I handed my life over to God. I can’t begin to imagine where I ‘d be without Him! Thank you for your transparency and your ministry in helping hurting & abused women. I wish I had known you when I was going thru this difficult journey. I always look forward to your blogs even tho it’s been 19 yrs since my divorce! Blessings to you & your family!
Thank you, Pam! I wish I had followed through the other couple of times when divorce was a real path we were on. But I can also see how my path was directed towards writing during those years of staying too. Glad to have your encouragement! I appreciate ladies like you, who have worked through their healing, who comment and share they have been there too; and now are thriving after.
Thank you for writing about this topic. It is validating for me that I am not alone in the fear and anxiety for the future. I have been experiencing crippling fear that is holding me back from moving forward with my life. I know that God is wanting me to be strong and courageous, to trust Him in all things. I’m trying to face the hard realities of divorce and financial bankruptcy at the same time. My faith is surely being tested. But he has not left me and never will.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Testing leads to endurance and strength in character. You WILL get through this, God is by your side.
Many times every day I am turning my fears over to God. I also am saying a lot of “Get out of my life and mind Satan”. I am blessed with family and friends who are always there for me. I am in the process of a divorce I did not want, my husband and I had. 14 1/2 good years together. Then he left me for his first wife. He changed the locks on our home, brought her from CA into our home on my birthday. She posted pictures from inside my home and many of the places I enjoyed.Also of them in bed together in the bed I am still paying for. I left the state I loved and moved in with one of my sons. I am concerned about finances, but I do know that God has a plan for me and I am getting stronger through this. He filed because I wouldn’t and now after 10 months has gotten a lawyer. In two months we have mediation and our first hearing. I struggle with the fact he makes 20 times more than I get from SSDisability in one month and hasn’t given me one cent since he left. He has moved her cross country and they are living in our condo. And leading the good life Not a care for all the money they spend. He has offered me a settlement of 1/8 of his monthly pay and says he can’t afford anything else. That is where my anxiety comes from. I haven’t asked God why this is happening ,only How to survive.
I am a guy but was able to relate here as well. I think this was the first time I have heard someone talk about being threatened with divorce over and over again as a means to control the other person which happened repeatedly to me throughout my 19 year marriage. This is emotional abuse. I finally grew up a little and stood my ground and said go ahead. Do what you need to do. And she did. Two and a half years later from the actual divorce and I’m still healing. I’m in that fear phase but learning to trust god with everything except I’m probably not giving him everything so it is a gradual process of letting go.
I’m glad you’re learning, Michael. I write mainly for women because I only coach women. But like this, you may relate to some of the same healing as us women do.
This is probably my all time favorite post that I have read of yours, and I read them all!! Lol I can’t thank you enough for your ministry, Jen! You are truly being used by the Lord to touch so many hurting women and I am one of them. I look so forward to your posts each day. I was married for 30 years and recently divorced. I could write a book on the hell Ive been through. My children are grown and my last child left not long ago and I am an empty nester and now a single woman living alone. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I felt like I lost my marriage and “being a Mother” all at the same time. It has truly felt like two deaths. I have been going through some serious grieving and mourning. But I know that God faithful and is with me and he will never leave me or forsake me and I’m standing firm on that promise. Better days are ahead and I know I will get through this and eventually healing will take place. Thank you again for your ministry. You are a blessing to me!!!
Thank you! And you’re welcome! I’m glad to do what I do.