Choosing Your Inner Circle Before Divorce and After

Does this person fit into my new life after divorce or would they have been a better fit for my old life? That is the question I find myself asking lately as I meet new people. This is also a question we examined in our book discussion group for my newest book, Your Restoration Journey: Rediscovering Your Faith & Yourself After Divorce.

Part of your restoration journey is rediscovering yourself, who God created you to be. In order to be everything you were created to be, you have to examine your old way of thinking, acting, and the people that you surround yourself with. This is the journey I’ve taken over the past seven years since my divorce. It’s the journey I encourage and empower my coaching clients to take. Create a healthy, peaceful life, free from drama and toxicity.

“The opposite of belonging is fitting in.” – Brené Brown

My old friend circle.

During my marriage, I had several different friend groups. There were the married couples in our church that got together for Bible Study. We usually read Christian books about how to have a successful marriage. And we fellowshipped in someone’s home or backyard. The other couples shared how the biggest struggle in their marriage was who was going to fold the laundry. My biggest struggle was “keeping my husband” content in our marriage and from committing adultery. This group of married Christians caused me to try to be everything they thought a Christian woman should be; meek and submissive. I could not trust them after my divorce.

The other friend groups that I had were people that I grew up with. People who I was friends with when I was an immature, non-Christian teenager. And of course, my emotionally toxic family and ex-family. These people knew a version of me. The always people-pleaser. The occasionally exhausted and resentful person who was always trying to be everything THEY wanted me to be.

Through my own restoration journey, I’ve learned that those types of people are not my people. I couldn’t be ME around them. They had high expectations that I could never meet. Acted in ways that I didn’t agree with. And honestly, because I was always just trying to fit in, I never really belonged with any of those people. They couldn’t go where I was going after my divorce. I was going to find and create peace.

During my divorce and shortly after.

During my divorce, I was surrounded by a homeschooling group. I found out quickly that not only did I meet the same types of people I grew up around but a couple of the ladies were trying to control me. They just wanted me to do what they wanted me to do, instead of allowing me to make my own decisions based on what was best for me and my children.

Once I started talking about divorce and abuse on my (now archived) homeschool blog in 2014, I was contacted by a woman who has a blog that helps women escape from abusive marriages. She started suggesting I connect with this person and that person. I felt uncomfortable but I just went along with it, as I had always done. Before I knew it, I was in abuse groups and talking with many women (presumably who left abusive marriages).

Within a few months, it came to my attention that these women were talking unkindly about each other and others. Honestly, at the time I didn’t have the bandwidth to say I won’t be part of this gossip group. Having grown up in these types of environments, I tried to just ignore the gossip. Then, I found out that I was being gossiped about. Also, I was finding these same ladies attacking writers, authors, pastors, and bloggers that they didn’t like. I couldn’t participate anymore! So, I left their groups, and unconnected with anyone they were connected with so I could be free to live an emotionally healthy life.

I just keep finding myself in these toxic relationships filled with hidden abuse. They made me feel like I wasn’t enough or always too much when I was only trying to live my life and follow God’s path. Getting away from these types of relationships was the only way I’d be able to live my life of peace––something I had so desperately craved.

A season of no one in my inner circle.

I kept hearing about these seasons that women can go through where they have no close friends. This gives us time to grow in our relationship with the Lord. I also heard that I needed to close in my inner circle to only those who I could trust. At that moment, I could not trust anyone. I was pretty much left friendless, beyond one or two ladies who I had known for a very long time. I knew I could trust them, but because they were busy married women, I didn’t see how we could be close friends.

Knowing the types of people I wanted in my new life after divorce was one thing. Creating that life with only healthy people in my inner circle is another thing. I had to spend a great deal of time figuring out who I was, who God created me to be, and what this new life looked like. Shutting people out and focusing on God was the only way I could accomplish this goal.

My small inner circle now.

It’s like having a home with a gate. I’m not just letting anyone I don’t know into my home to sit and visit. I won’t just allow anyone in my inner home or circle from the suggestion of others. Now, they first come to my gate where I decide if I’ll allow them into my yard. After they’ve been in my yard for a while, and haven’t shown any huge red flags, then they may be invited in to chat. Someone doesn’t make it into my inner circle until I’ve known them long enough to trust they are worthy of being there.

This getting to know someone period, allows me to decide if this is someone to just network with (superficially) or move towards getting to know a little better. These things take time so relationships should not be rushed. Some of my best friendships, those ladies who have been with me since before my marriage and after, were established slowly over time. One of those friends has since divorced and she is now in my inner circle. I know anything I say is safe with her.

But even I have to be very careful not to go back to what I’ve always known. The people I’ve always surrounded myself with. Trying to “fit in” to groups that are just not meant for me. I have to ask myself, does this new person or group of people fit into my old life before my divorce? Or do they fit into the new, healthier life I’ve created for myself after divorce?

I hope you are doing the same during and after your divorce. Close in that inner circle as you learn and grow into the person God created you to be.

What types of people do you want in your new life after divorce? Are there steps are you taking to create the life you want with healthy, supportive people in your inner circle? Do you have any struggles with this that you want to share? {Real name is not required.}

Related Posts:

• 7 Years After My Divorce Was Finalized (Here’s What I’ve Learned)
• Walk Away & Let Toxic People Misunderstand You
• Narcissists Turn Everyone Against You (Even Your Own Family)