Some divorced women have a supportive church family who comes alongside them (victims of abuse and/or divorce because of adultery) during, and especially after divorce, with love, concern, and compassion. I’m very happy for them when I hear ladies say that this is what they’re experiencing.
But this is not the norm. And it’s not even close to what I’ve experienced from churches during separation and after my divorce.
A week or so after I received my final divorce papers, I told my Bible study that I was no longer praying for marriage restoration. I had only been attending the small church since after my (now ex-) husband filed for divorce. The church’s intercessors prophesied that God was going to restore my marriage, bring him back to God and that we should wait with expectation. So, of course, everyone was praying.
The day everything was finalized, I realized God had other plans besides marital restoration and I started to follow those plans. The same week I shared what I thought was my brighter future, as a divorced woman, two of the church ladies (which included the Pastor’s wife) deleted and blocked me as “friends” on Facebook. I couldn’t even contact them to see if I had done something wrong. They never brought anything to my attention nor spoke to me again. They just avoided me each time I walked into the church.
I was still processing through my grief, trying to help my children, so I was lost on what to do. I contacted the Pastor to see if I had done anything wrong. But he just played dumb and said he didn’t think so. Being at church was hard enough without feeling as though I was being looked at differently, avoided, and then I heard some nasty comments that were made in the group.
It no longer felt like a safe place for me to heal so we stopped going to that church. Still, to this day, these same two ladies have me blocked and I haven’t heard from anyone seeking to understand why I stopped coming. I’m left to assume that they believe that because “God hates divorce” they’re supposed to hate divorced women too.
No longer accepted as a divorced woman.
Shunning a member of a church for no real reason is a form of spiritual abuse. I’m not talking about after church discipline (or Matthew 18, see below). I’m talking about blatantly ignoring someone without first speaking to them about an issue you may have with that person.
Spiritual abuse has a spectrum, like all abuse, and can be very subtle (like in my case) or very loud and painful as in cases of covering up sexual abuse by church leaders or using scripture to continue the abuse. When the motive behind the action is to physically or emotionally harm another person, that is abuse. When scripture is used to keep someone trapped or to do more harm, that is abuse. I’m sure in most cases we don’t think spiritual abuse is abuse, but it very well can be if it harms someone else or leaves long-lasting damage and wounds that take years to heal.
What is the motive behind shunning (“to avoid deliberately and especially habitually“) another person after zero attempts to share the problem you have with someone? What about purposeful ignoring, avoiding, and leaving someone out, when they’ve done nothing wrong or especially if no sin or character issue is present? And then badmouthing someone whose only issue is her new “marital status”… or lack thereof?
Maybe they believe, like many other Christians, that a marriage can be saved with just a little more prayer.
Lack of prayer doesn’t cause divorce.
After I made my announcement at the Woman’s Bible Study, I felt as though I was looked down upon as if I were accepting defeat or siding with the enemy. I just didn’t want to keep holding onto false hope (an emotional roadblock to healing) which made me feel blamed and shamed for my new status.
They didn’t know about the years and years I had prayed for my marriage to be a godly one. Even after I realized my marriage was shackled in sin, I still prayed. I prayed even harder, fasting until I was losing weight. I wanted my Lazarus moment. If Jesus can put breathe life back into a person certainly He can bring back a marriage that had already been killed by unrepentant sin. He goes after His one lost sheep, right? He was going to go after my unrepentant husband and bring him home. I spent countless days and nights on my knees, pleading with God for my legacy. I held on to every last bit of hope.
Yet, my marriage was still not saved by God. I believe God chose to release me from that bondage of thinking my prayers could save my marriage so I could reconnect with Him, reclaim my peace and joy, and go on to proclaim redemption after divorce through my books and this divorce healing ministry.
For many of us, our marriage wasn’t saved for one reason or another. But it was never because of lack of prayer. Maybe more from lack of true repentance, than anything.
The misuse of Matthew 18.
If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. – Matthew 18:15-17 NLT
If I had been the assertive person I am today, I would have walked up to those ladies individually and asked them if I had offended them in some way or I would have shared how I was offended by their hurtful actions. This would have given them a chance to respond if they chose to. Then, I could have proceeded to speak to others, then the church about the issue, if I chose to. Maybe then I would feel I had done everything I could do to try to repair the relationship (which I had assumed was close until I was blocked). But I wasn’t the strong woman I am today.
And honestly, I don’t see a lot of “church people” using Matthew 18 when there is a problem in a relationship. I’m not sure Matthew 18 is used the right way in many churches.
Most times Matthew 18 is used to continue to spiritually abuse a woman into staying in an abusive marriage. Abusive men can go to their church and share how their wife has filed for divorce, and then the church gets involved to bring her back home. Is that what Jesus meant for Matthew 18? I don’t believe so.
Both spectrums of spiritual abuse make me very sad. The divorced woman is being shunned for accepting the unwanted divorce after multiple affairs AND the divorcing woman is being shamed and blamed for filing for divorce for seeking a peaceful life away from her abusive (or addicted or adulterous) husband.
My spiritual abuse wounds will take longer to heal than my other wounds. I have yet to find a church where I feel I’m fully accepted as a divorced woman. Might just be a small-town problem, but it’s still a problem for many divorced women.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”Being shunned by church family after a divorce, happens. Together we can change this #spiritualabuse” tweet=”Being shunned by church family after a divorce, happens. Together we can change this #spiritualabuse”]
Are divorced women accepted in the church these days? Feel free to share your story – accepted or shunned? – in the discussion below.
God bless your healing journey,
Related Posts:
- Understanding and Healing a Jaded Heart
- Divorce Myths Every Christian Should Know
- Divorce Shame (What We Should Do With It)
YES – the church does shun problematic (abusive) marriages. My pastor told me as a “Godly women” I needed to respect my husband, and be grateful for him. This was after I had bared my deepest soul to him about his abusive anger and bullying. I no longer attend that small town church. After reading the above I suppose I need to tell pastor and his wife why I’m no longer willing to sit there while no one, and I mean NO ONE counsels my abusive husband. Our previous pastor worked with my husband for over 2 years until his passing from cancer. I miss that man terribly!! He saw the “real” person I’m married to and am trying my hardest to get away from. He was also financially unfaithful and irresponsible which has put me in a horrible situation. I’m digging myself out though. God has put new plans on my heart, new prayers on my lips and a new belief that I can and will survive this.
Kim, I can relate. I’m glad you are finding your way and healing. God does have plans to help you (and all of us) survive and even thrive after divorce. Glad to have you along on the journey. 🙂
I’ve been divorced 11 years now. I’ve been shunned since. By the church and many people. In the church I went to for many many years is where the divorced happened. My husband had a long(2 years when he was caught but it continues for 8 years after the divorce!) sexual affair with his female boss. My Pastor at that time took my husbands side. My husband admitted his affair to me, told me detail, even admitted to our Pastor. Then all of a sudden he changed his story and said I made him tell the Pastor that he had an affair! It was the worst nightmare I’ve ever been through. I was then the bad one. Basically I was told to leave the church which I did and especially when the Pastor told all the Elder’s and Staff people this. He had a sarcastic mouth me many times so immediately I left the church. There is much much more to the story but I’m still healing to this day. Christian people judge, that’s just a fact. I think they put all divorced people and the reason for divorce in one box. You got a divorce! Therefore you sinned, we can’t be around you. Well, I did not sin. Most married people won’t associate with divorced women anyway, partially just because you aren’t a “Couple”! It’s not as fun for the married couple. True but sad. It’s difficult living a single life. I’m 69 now. It’s hard and lonely. I desire to remarry but hasn’t happened and it may never but I sure hope so. Anyway, that’s my story .
Jen, another good word! I was so fortunate that the church I was attending accepted my new marital status. My pastor was very supportive and was his wife. I know there were a few ladies from the church that watched me from a distance to see how I carried myself thru my new season in life. I guess they felt awkward and didn’t know what to do or say. Too close to home as everyone, including myself, thought I was in a godly marriage. I am thankful that I was not out and out shunned…that would have been very devastating to me. Yes, there is peace and joy and redemption after divorce! Thank you again for your heart for ministry to the broken. Blessings to you!
Thank you, Pam, especially for sharing your story. It’s good to know some churches are getting it right for divorced women. Maybe together all of us can help change the mindset of the rest. 🙂
Jen thank you, as I have said so many times, for sharing and allowing God to work in you. My first marriage was abusive, we went to the pastor for counseling. I tried everything I could, but he ended up just wanting out. Our pastor and many in the church were not welcoming anymore and I left…and didnt attend church for probably 7 or more years, during which time I met my current husband who is soon to be ex…. Thankfully God called me back to him and to church during my second marriage and placed us in a small country church. This church, the pastor and most of the people have supported me through this time . They have tried to help him, but he refuses. They preach and use Matthew 18 and have taught me to do so as well (it’s not always easy). I am praying for those who have not been treated the way God wants His people to treat each other. Praying you each find a supportive, Bible believing church family to take you in and love you.
My pastor had been in contact with my ex husband by texting and phone behind my back. My ex husband was slandering me to our pastor and lying to him about me. Never once did the pastor or anyone contact me about anything- not to check on me or support me. My ex was doing this Setting me up to take the focus off what he what he was doing to me– he was having an affair with a married woman the day we were married in this church and had multiple affairs during the 2 years before we were married and during our 11 month marriage.
We met with the pastor and I told him my husband was having multiple affairs and horribly verbally abusive to me. He looked at my husband and asked him if it was true and of course my husband denied it all. The pastor believed him. I was told that I could not leave my husband that it was against god and that if my husband was having affairs the truth would come out eventually. I Knew the truth.
I felt shunned by our pastor and betrayed. I had been attending that church several years as a single woman and introduced my ex husband to that church. He was even saved and baptized. Really?
I never went back. Several members have shunned me since. I tried joining another church and felt very uncomfortable because it became clear they knew of me from my former church and pastor. My kids and I no longer attend there either.
These people are not Christians– I question their home life and how they treat their wives and children!
Spiritual abuse cuts deeply and is very damaging. We are church homeless and my trust level is zero. I keep praying 🙂
Victoria
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such pain too. It shouldn’t happen. We should be excepted in any church during and after divorce, especially if we weren’t the abuser or the adulterer. I pray the more we talk about it, the more people will see, and changes will be made. Yes, keep praying. I am too!
Victoria, same with me! Not one person in my church checked on me after my divorce;
but were in contact with ex husband.
very misogynist.
and who knows what he told them, what version of the story.
Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to the church and tell them how hurtful that was, to be ignored; not even concerned about my wellbeing. but wonder if instead i should just leave it, and not need any validation.
I’m so happy to read this . I thought I was the only one. I grew up in church and became a Christ follower/Christian at age 9 year….I am now 64. After my divorce due to husband’s prescription drug addiction, I was attending a church of a married friend . She invited me. I was there just long enough to get involved. Then it happened. First my friends husband sought me out a told me to leave. I told him why…I had done nothing wrong. Then the next day on Easter Sunday the pastor told me “we are a family oriented church, and we have no place for you….please leave. I was devastated. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. IT did not feel real. I tried to go to church down the road and felt invisible so turned around and walked out. That was 10 years ago. I attend church online and have no friends. I feel lonely, and lost except when with my family or grown children and my grandchildren. Getting an unwanted divorce from the church felt like a divorce from a spouse. This is why God hates divorce. He knew the pain
true believers
would go through. I tried talking to my dear friend and she would not respond. I miss what I used to have. There are no groups for divorcees except divorcecare but after that it stops. I send emails to pastor after pastor inquiring about their church inre to divorced women….no responses. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one.
Jen, thank you for writing this. I consider myself so blessed that my pastor understood the problems I endured with my husband, and he was supportive of me while I was going through my divorce. People at church who knew me and what was happening were supportive as well. Since I usually attended church alone or with my child (since my husband rarely went) it was like I was a single parent anyway by the time the divorce was happening. I do think it would be harder if your husband attended the church and he knew people there, and then he spread untruths about you. I would have been devastated if my pastor had not been supportive, and I probably would have looked for another church. There is a website I found a while ago that helped me called Because It Matters by Danni Moss. Danni was a wonderful young Christian mom who has since passed away. She wrote many articles about all kinds of domestic abuse and how pastors do not address domestic abuse even when it’s right before their eyes. I agree, the church needs to do more and change how divorced women are treated. We are just as much a widow as the woman who has lost her husband through death, and we should be supported in like manner. God bless you, Jen, for speaking up and being an awesome voice and resource for all of us!
I agree, Tina. The original Biblical translation of widow is a woman who was previously married but is no longer (after the loss of a husband – not necessarily by death). But now we seem to put women in classes (widow, divorced, or the never married single mom) when it shouldn’t be that way. We’re all in the same boat. No husband, doing it alone.
Yes, it’s very hard to overcome lies from a man who is very charming and convincing with his lies. But I believe the truth ALWAYS comes out eventually. 🙂
I went to 2 different churches trying to get help for my marriage but I was told to ‘work on myself. ‘. No one would listen and help me. But God heard me and led me out and now I am going through a divorce after 32 years of abuse. My husband is spreading lies about me in the city we lived in for the entire marriage but I am safely 250 miles away where God led me to, opened doors for someone to rent to me even though I had no job or references! Even if the church doesn’t listen, God hears even if no one else does.
Many abusers do spread lies. And I think they believe their own lies most of the time. I’m so glad you were able to move away and God took care of you. Thanks for sharing your story. And God bless your healing journey.
I’ve been divorced 10 years. My ex was abusive in so many ways including cheating.
I went to church and am not even allowed to serve a meal at pitchins or do the dishes .
God loves me and I know it. Preachers preach the church loves the broken. I’m broken and shattered but I’m judged; not loved
Oh Cheryl, I understand. I felt the same way. Thank you for sharing your grief and heartache. You’re very welcome and loved here! Glad to have you.
I recently returned to Christ after a long slide. I am a longtime divorcee who {{gasp}} never had children. Shunning of women- divorced or single- is not always so blatant. It can be very subtle, but no less damaging. The church I was attending at the time was small, and while most were very accepting and welcoming, nine months after joining this church, paying tithes and attending small groups, the lead pastor and his wife still didn’t even know my name. Had I not mentioned this to a widowed elderly member, he STILL wouldn’t. She took the initiative when he walked over to where we were both sitting, and asked if he had been introduced. “No”, he said. So he knew he didn’t know my name, but never bothered to learn. Looking at the distribution of seated groups in the congregation, you can see the older ( less fertile) members, very separate from the younger ones with kids. The church events are named with either “family” or “silver” in their titles. Very subtle, yet very obvious.
I actually know and coach many divorced women who haven’t had children – so I’m not shocked to hear your story. Actually, most of my ministry is for women who don’t have children or they’re children have left home (some even being estranged from their mother – siding with the dad). I’m sorry that you’ve experienced all of this but know that not everyone is so unaccepting of divorced women without children. We’re all walking together!
Over the course of our 40 year marriage, my husband over and over again would develop relationships with women at work, at church etc. who he, when confronted would say, “ she’s a friend, and I’m just helping her with” whatever he had decided he could help her with, and of course the individual was always attractive and young. He could verbally talk circles around me to the point that I would feel so confused, but rarely felt emotionally safe with him. Still though as a Christian wife, I continually worked on being a better wife, as instructed by the Christian community we were a part of. When internet and social media came along, his mind became what I can only describe as evil, and both of our daughters, as they entered the pre teen and teen years told me that he was behaving inappropriately towards them. I turned to two couples and a counselor in leadership who I respected with this information, wanting counsel on what should I do. I felt like it was made trivial by them. He wouldn’t admit any wrong doing, and it seems people would rather believe the perpetrator. He used his gift of being a good communicator to calm everyone down.
Eventually, I did leave him, without the blessing of my Christian friends,who still will sometimes remind me of what I could have done differently in my handling of his choices. During the time of our separation he was fired from his executive level job for sexual harassment at work. I had to just get alone with God and find my peace and answers in His love for me and my kids, and do the most healing thing. We are now divorced. It’s hard to feel I fit in anywhere in my, now different, congregation, but I , and our kids, still have so much more peace and emotional health.
Those lines – same ones most of us hear. “She’s just a friend and I’m just helping her!” Yes, it’s gaslighting and psychological abuse. But you cannot blame yourself for that – his choices and his behavior. You deserve better than that. And I’m sorry our friends didn’t see that for you. You fit in here! Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
Jen, thank you for writing and sharing this. I’m in this season even as I’m typing. My soon to be ex-husband has gone to his church and the church I attended pre-marriage to make sure they know I filed for divorce and he was abandoned by me. Matthew 18 is being used to try to make me reconcile the marriage and now I’m the “lost sheep” and “prodigal” in their eyes. My former pastor is about to stand in front of the entire church on Sunday morning and “take my sins to the church”, meaning he is going to tell them a list of sins he believes I’ve committed.
We were only married four months, but within 24 hours, I knew something wasn’t right. He was abusive on all levels imaginable from the start. I went to pastors, counselors, supposed trusted Christian community for help, but they kept telling me I was just a new wife adjusting to living with a man. My pastors were aware of these behaviors and told me my Godly duty as a wife was to endure, persevere, pray and let him “grow out of it” since “love bears all things”. I was told to keep returning to him even though I was losing weight, not sleeping, barely eating and breaking down sobbing at work.
I finally left a couple months ago and filed for divorce. The blaming and shaming from the people from both churches is currently in full force in the form of the misuse of Matthew 18 like you wrote about above. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to walk into a church again. My conscience is clear before God, but I’m not only grieving the loss of a marriage, but the loss of an entire community I once trusted that has now turned their back on me.
This article helped me realize I’m not alone in this and that God does redeem after divorce. Thank you for being a voice of hope and light in the midst of a very dark time.
It’s so horrible when pastors and other people helpers don’t get it. I’m glad you found my website… because you are not alone! Thanks for sharing your story to help others.
I have been divorced since 2008. For years afterward I soldiered on, taking my three children to church. They’re all adults now and on their own. I felt welcomed by only two women in the church. The rest pretty much ignored me; I was never sure if they were afraid I’d run off with their husbands–as if I wanted another cheater– or if I was just an uncomfortable reminder of what can happen when life and marriage don’t work out as intended.
I confess I am impatient with women’s second-class status in the church, especially divorced women.. I feel that the Christian church sets women up in the sense that it teaches God will solve her problems and fix her marriage…if only she prays, puts her husband first, meets his needs, etc etc. So I did that, for 27 years, and my marriage ended with my husband taking off with a younger woman, closing joint bank accounts, and putting me through three lawsuits over a five-year period. I believe God can do miracles and change people’s hearts, but what happened in my case (and for other women I know), is that church teaching kept me from realizing just how untrustworthy my husband was. I had to forgive the church for what I felt was a betrayal.
About two years ago, after attending several churches and Bible studies post-divorce, I decided I’d done enough looking in Churchland USA for a place where I fit in. I don’t go to church anymore. I haven’t lost my faith; I read the Bible regularly and pray. God has seen me through. Occasionally I have looked online for a home congregation; still working on that one.
I understand where you’re coming from. I joined a new church after I divorced my husband. The leadership seemed so nice and welcoming until they ‘found out’ that I was divorced. They were suddenly confused about my place in the church. It was as though they didn’t quite know what to do with me. I endured the stares and snide remarks for as long as I could and then I left. I used to love church but I haven’t had a home church for twelve years now. I still love the Lord and still love prayer and Bible study. I just cannot accept being told that I need to repent for getting my son and I out of a horribly abusive marriage with a man who had zero romantic interest in women. Jesus never turned broken, hurting people away and yet churches are doing just that in His name. Why? Why don’t they understand that domestic violence breaks the marriage? Should victims of domestic abuse ‘stay and pray’? Church seems to be for people who have all their ducks in a row. For those of us who don’t, church is a hostile environment.
I just sat through weeks of Matthew 18 (forgiveness) and Matthew 19 (divorce) preaching with my lying, cheating husband, beaming and fake crying at times, right next to me. The pastor mentioned Hosea and his dealings with Gomer, and knowing our situation, said ‘There is never any good reason for divorce and you are out of God’s will for thinking it’. No one (not even licensed Christian counselors and our pastor) understand that I am ill physically and mentally in this marriage and cannot remain in it. I’m reeling and processing one lie as he’s planning the second, third, and fourth ones all the while he’s on his smear campaign of me. All I’m asked to do is turn the other cheek.
I actually had people tell me what a “blessing” it must be to be married to my ex. He was emotionally abusive, manipulative, a liar. He went to “lingerie shows” with co-workers, had a secret girlfriend, and when he decided he wanted a divorce, he cleared out the bank account and left NO money for the children and me. EVERY person in my small congregation treated me like dirt. Even though he has been dead for years, and I have been happily remarried to a wonderful man for 25 years, if I run into anyone from that congregation, they are either cool to the point of rude, or simply turn the other way. It makes it hard to WANT to go to church when this is your experience. As with other posters, I feel sometimes I should write a letter to the church and tell them what a liar he was.
Married persons have no business having “friends” of the opposite sex. Moving along, I find that divorced women have the hardest time if living in small towns. Some of the city churches are the same but there are more divorced people in them. After my divorce, I went the route of education and earned degree after degree. I also studied scripture for decades while raising a very educated son. Talk about jealousy in the women’s Bible study group. They will hate you no matter what.
You definitely got kicked out of that church, but they didn’t have the balls to say it to your face. They don’t believe in divorce, for any reason. That’s why many women stay with their horrible husbands, because they and their children will be treated like outcasts.
They avoided you hoping you would leave in silence, which you did. Otherwise they would’ve told you divorce is a sin and told you to leave anyway.
I hate this expectation that women must smile and pretend everything is okay behind closed doors in order to stay in church. To make it worse it’s always the other women outcasting other women.
Thank you Jen for speaking for us! My story is the same as that of many who have replied to your post: abusive marriage, numerous counselling sessions, the church, and in-laws keeping silent about the challenges you face and yet blaming you when you decide to save yourself and your children. I was vilified and called all kinds of names, they spoke behind my back, and never bothered to sit me down, and when I tried to explain to them what happened, they still took his side, his family because blood is thicker than water, and the church because he had deep pockets and he bribed them through big offerings. I love the Lord with all my heart and I try my best to ignore the negative comments and bad stares, but I feel like the church and pastors are pretentious and I am slowly losing the desire to go to church. What is worse is that they conduct the church programme in such a way that people like us do not have the time and space to share how we feel with the church. Even the cell groups are run through a particular programme/topics and you can’t bring anything else except as a prayer item.
Wow, I made the right choice never to tell any church I attended about my divorce. My non-Christian ex-husband left me almost 18 years ago now. If anyone asks me, I just say I am single. Unless I was dating someone, I never thought it was anyone’s business to know about my past. People can be so cruel.