In July of 1994, I had a cesarean section to remove my first child who wanted to come butt first. That was my first major surgery done in an operating room. I had no idea how much pain I’d be in after the spinal block wore off. I should have listened when they offered me prescription pain medication but I assumed I didn’t need it. I assumed childbirth recovery was easy… because I’ve never heard anyone complain about the pain or the scar left behind.
I was wrong! Very wrong. The pain was horrible!
I promised myself I’d never do that again. And although I’ve had children since, I’ve somehow managed to keep that promise. Even with anxious doctors, signing a liability release, and a midwife, God has protected me as I safely brought two more children into this world without a c-section. Even with my allergy to anesthetic agents (found that out after almost dying birthing another child).
It wasn’t until I had my second (and third) child that I really understood the pain I had experienced with the first child. I knew I couldn’t even cough without horrible pain. I knew I couldn’t bend down to get anything – even after I managed to drop everything on a daily basis. Carrying the child in her car seat was almost impossible those first days.
But with each passing day, it became easier and less painful. I became stronger and the incision was healing. (Once the staples were out… what a relief!)
During the painful days, I held onto the hope and knowledge that I would get my body back, eventually, if I was just patient with myself during the healing process.
Healing from divorce pain is similar to healing from major surgery. Just like I couldn’t skip the physical healing of my c-section, we shouldn’t skip the emotional healing from our divorce.
The waves of emotions from those first days get smaller as time passes. But we must ride the waves and work through the pain in order to find complete healing. Pretending or numbing the pain won’t help us to heal. Eventually, with time and patience, you will get your life back.
I still have a little bit of numbness, that I hardly notice, and a keloid scar where my surgery took place… but it’s no longer painful at all. I have no plans to reopen that wound so I don’t plan on it bothering me ever again.
Almost 4 years later, my divorce scar is at the same point. But reopening that wound is much easier to do. I just refuse to do that anymore because I’ve moved past the pain and the bitterness. I’ve conquered my fear and anxiety. And I’ve reclaimed my life again after a divorce.
Things to remember.
- Give yourself grace! Healing is a process. Hold onto the hope that you’ll get through the pain and in time you won’t feel it any longer yet a scar will remain.
- Other divorcing women understand! We’re not judging you when we give you our best advice, we’re only trying to help you get through it as we did.
The line where I was cut open, is now a scar. A c-section scar is a reminder of the baby that had to be surgically removed. It happened, I can’t just forget because it will always be a part of me until the day that I die.
After the pain of divorce heals, the scar left behind is like a surgery scar. It will always be a part of your life. The pain will dull and even subside but the scar will remain. A part that you will never forget – nor should you. It should be a reminder of what you’ve been through, what you’ve survived, and how much you’ve grown in your faith since.
Also, that scar can be a learning lesson, to teach you how to proceed in the future. How we all need to protect our hearts and bodies from further damage by unfaithful and/or unloving toxic people. You deserve better! Don’t accept anything less than God’s standards.
Time can’t heal the wound or erase the scar…. but with God, it becomes a distant memory. You become a survivor and a thriver when you allow God to heal you and your heart after divorce.
Some divorced women, like myself, share their scars so that others can know that they will heal too. How are you sharing your scars with those around you?
God bless your healing journey,
Hi, divorce was final in July of 2017.
I still have to deal with my ex. Which makes me even madder. In and out of court because he is ignoring the court order.
I have been in a very dark place. I am mad and angry at him and God.
He got almost everything that he wanted. Why, I am not the one who did what he did and verbal abuse for 36 years. I do not know who I am anymore and my Faith I have questioned.
Is this normal? I don’t know if I can get out of the dark hole especially I have to go to all the time because he is not doing what he is supposed to.
Jen Grice says
Linda, I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with. I think it’s very normal to feel exactly how you’re feeling. There are stages of divorce recovery, and my guess you’re dealing with some (normal) divorce depression. Are you seeking help from a therapist and/or a support group? That might help. Check out my list on my resources page (http://jengrice.com/resources) for helpful links. God bless!