After the first physical affair had ended (in late Fall 2002), the other woman (OW) called our house (no cell phones at the time). She seemed shocked that I answered. But immediately started stuttering out that she wanted to apologize for what she had done and ask for my forgiveness. I was still very angry about the betrayal and didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. After everything that had happened the only two things that came to mind were, she really was just trying to get one more conversation with my (now ex-) husband. Or her pastor, whom I had called and told, told her she needed to apologize in order to gain God’s forgiveness for her sins.
I told her I didn’t know if I could ever forgive her and ended the conversation. She had been my friend. Our pastors were friends as our small churches often combined their services. After this, I never wanted to see or speak to her again. In my pain, I just wanted to forget anything had ever happened.
She may have been the first but she wasn’t the last. I’ve received no other phone calls from the others.
My pastor advised me to read several books about how to recover after an affair (trying to keep the marriage). Yes, at that point it became my job to “save the marriage.” I didn’t realize it until many, many years later. But through reading some of those books, and through my healing after the final affair and divorce, I learned a few things that have helped me to release that pain and anger. I’ve also learned to not hate these other women for what they’ve done. Now, I actually feel sorry for them.
Here are 6 things I’ve learned which help me to feel sorry for her (them) rather than hating.
1.) She had to be invited into our marriage. She didn’t make him do it. Although he tried to blame her, as many men do, he couldn’t be forced to connect with her or get physical with her. A man who is emotionally and spiritually healthy, with boundaries, would never seek out the attention of another woman nor would he allow a woman to ruin the relationship he has with his wife or with God. There must be something wrong with him to pursue another woman rather than communicating any marital issues that cause him to feel the need to abandon his marriage vows. And honestly, most times there were no issues, he just uses that as an excuse to seek out attention from the opposite sex.
2.) She is also a victim of his manipulation and blame. She is also being lied to. The other woman is often the most hated person and ultimately blamed for the affair (she’s the “homewrecker” instead of him) but I believe this is what he wants you to do – taking the focus off of him and what he has done to see her as the seductress. Even in my case of the first OW, whom I thought of as a friend, she believed the lies that our marriage was so bad that he needed emotional comfort. She told her pastor that she was only trying to help him through his divorce which wasn’t the truth – I was actually very newly pregnant with a planned child. Her only problem was being deceived by a known liar.
They become entangled emotionally and spiritually through the physical affair before they realize that she too was just being used and abused.
3.) If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. There are many who were once the mistress in my marriage – if it wasn’t them it would be someone else. Now, I’m not saying it’s smart for any woman to get involved or form a “close friendship” with another woman’s husband but a lot of women are walking around with past hurts and low self-esteem, just looking for love. That low self-esteem causes her to seek out male attention, even if he’s a married (or separated) man, to fill a void. They compete to claim the title of the winner – making the wife the loser – of the prize, him (even if he’s no prize at all).
4.) It’s not a competition for who’s better or prettier. Narcissists love to have women fighting over him while fulfilling his every sexual desire. This love triangle feeds his need for constant admiration knowing two women are willing to hate each other because they both “love” or lust over him. We often get sucked into this (I know I did) believing that the winner must be the best (looking, best wife, etc.). But the truth is a man who appreciates what you bring to the table, as a gift from God, would never put you in this situation to compete in the first place. The real blame rests on him for causing these insecurities and inviting the OW into the marriage.
5.) The OW is not emotionally healthy. If she were she’d have higher standards for herself. She probably doesn’t think she can get any better. Many other women are single moms just looking for a man to rescue her. He pursues her, often with love bombing, and she gives in feeling she has no other options but him – so she has to make it work.
As a single woman myself, before and after my marriage, I would never allow myself to get entangled with a married man. I have much higher standards than that. This may be the reason many of us hate the OW, knowing we’d never do this, but it also can be a reason to realize she has very low standards for herself.
Just like any woman on earth, we want to be loved and cared for. Many of us want to be married or remarried after divorce (I’m sure that’s why I get so many questions about dating after divorce). Men often have to pursue a woman. And if we don’t ask enough questions from a man we just met, or we instantly believe every word that he says without waiting to see fruit or actions to back his words, we could fall for a deceptive man too. Stronger and healthier women just don’t fall for that!
6.) The relationship won’t last. And if it does there will always be mistrust. I’m sure, just like him, her heart is in turmoil about what they’re doing (maybe that’s why the first OW called me so many times). But they both justify it as “love” and often commit to marriage to find a way to erase the sin in their heart. The dialog is, “God will forgive us because we got married.“
The relationship started as deception, on a mountain of lies, and that seed of doubt will always be there as long as they’re in a relationship with each other. They both will wonder if the other one is cheating because they both know they’re capable of it. And if she’s married to a serial cheater, then there is a very high chance that he will cheat on her… if he hasn’t already.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”Marry a man who cheated WITH you… be married to a man who cheats ON you. But we ALL deserve better!” tweet=”Marry a man who cheated WITH you… be married to a man who cheats ON you. But we ALL deserve better!”]
Because I married a deceptive man, I can see how women would fall for the same deceptive tricks that I did. I don’t see these women as competition because I can now see them as my equals – women who need the love of God and emotional healing from their past wounds. Because I can understand, I can also forgive (after working through the forgiveness process).
If this is you, please work on your emotional healing (get emotionally healthy) and heal your heart before looking for a man to fix it for you. Because I promise you’ll only find destruction expecting a man to fix what you need to fix about yourself. I say this with much love… you deserve better!
[You May Also Enjoy: Was I Married to a Narcissist?]
Have you come to accept (or tolerate) the OW rather than hating her? If she’s your child’s step-mother how are you dealing with that now? (Real name not required to leave a comment.)
May God bless your healing journey,
I think it’s really easy to judge a woman who ends up in a relationship with a married man. I certainly NEVER thought that would be me. But, he was really, really good at deception and we lived in two different states. I hate that I fell for his tricks and ultimately helped him to violate his wedding vows. I, no doubt, have areas that I need to work on, but I do think it’s important to recognize that not every woman who ends up in a relationship with a married man does it knowing he is married.
Yes, we as women do judge each other. Anything different from ourselves, we judge. We have a hard time coming together and supporting one another as women. That’s very evident in a wife-mistress (and sometimes step-mom) relationship. But I hope you didn’t miss me saying, “She is also being lied to” and “Her only problem was being deceived by a known liar.” Also, with the betrayal trauma and pain, we feel as first wives, it’s hard to let that pain go and embrace the other woman. And because he’s telling the OW all kinds of bad things about the wife – probably all lies or at least far from the truth – the OW starts to hate the first wife too (his feelings projected). It’s *psychological triangulation* but so few women realize it at the time. He wants his wife and mistress to hate each other! If we’re to come together and see through his lies, then that could cause trouble in his life and he could lose them both. I hope I’m bringing this into the light for anyone who is reading, whether you’re the wife or the OW. I hope we ALL have higher standards than being with an adulterous man because we all deserve better!
Jen, these are excellent points. A few of them God brought to my attention about my husband’s girlfriend. I’ve never met her… only saw her from afar… saw a picture of them on Facebook. She looks genuinely happy, but he looks like he has aged a decade, and from being married to him for 18 years, I can tell his happiness is fake.
I do feel sorry for her. Our divorce isn’t over, and I’m sure he is using her as a physical, emotional, and financial crutch. Once it is all over, they’ll probably marry… and then she will see who he really is. No one deserves to go through what I was put through being married to him.
I pray for her salvation. I pray she realizes all this sooner than later… she has a preteen daughter watching the decisions she makes.
I agree! Once the OW and guy marry, THEN she’ll see who he really is. But of course, during the “honeymoon phase” everything seems so wonderful and great. I pray for these women too! I hope if any woman who is dating a married man reads this, she sees the truth before it’s too late. And I hope ladies who have done that in the past, have learned from their mistake. We all need to come together as women and teach these same higher standards to our “daughters” (the next generation of women) who are watching.
Thank you Jen. I can totally relate to this. I see the OW every weekend at church. He married her and while it’s been a few years now I can see that it still hurts at times. Some weekends I’m ok but there are still those times when I just don’t want to be around. I can see how God has carried me through all this and how He is still healing my heart. I also have a support system He has given me. Yet sometimes I still feel alone. I don’t hate her and now I do feel sorry for her. I really can see how much I need God to get through all this. Thank you for your devotional on this and helping me understand some things. One day at a time.
Good for you Christina!! That takes a lot of strength to go to the same church, every week, as the OW (now his wife). Thanks for sharing your healing! Yes, one day at a time. We’re all walking this journey together.
Jen, I 100% agree with all your points and it’s only been a short time that I came to the realization of #3, if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. There were for sure “other else’s” throughout our 23 years together. He only ended up with her, because she was the one I FINALLY caught him cheating on me with. I can now look back at all his so-called female “friends” and some/most were a part of his harem of women he was grooming for narcissistic supply, emotional and physical affairs (not sure how many physical there was, but for sure there was one when I was pregnant with our second born). All these women were/are interchangeable.
And this is why he set out to destroy me emotionally and psychologically; I knew too much. I know who he is. I know what he’s done. And I know what he’s capable of doing again. So he started a huge lie-filled smear campaign behind my back, all the while he was playing loving and praying husband at home. He set me up, so that when he pulled the rug out from under me, I went crashing down. He sat back and smirked, while his actions and words destroyed me. He happily watched me self-destruct. Did I mention he’s a “nice guy” Christian man who goes to church every Sunday and also leads a young boys group every Wednesday? I could go on and on what his actions did to me, but God has never once given up on me AT ALL!
I have no doubt he’s fed the OW (and probably all his “friends”) tons of lies about me and about our marriage. For sure he’s painted himself as the victim of course. I do not hate her. I do not like her. I do not respect her. I do not feel sorry for her. I do not pray for her. I do not pray for him. He deserves a woman like her and she deserves a man like him.
I do not feel sorry for women who get involved with married men. If someone is married, then there’s a boundary there that shouldn’t be passed. I do feel sorry for women who start dating and get involved with a man who says he’s not married, but really is. I’m sure it happens a lot nowadays, especially with dating websites. That’s an honest mistake.
You make some great points too. And I see where you’re coming from. Yes, with dating websites it makes it easier for married men to lie about their legal marital status (separated is still married in my opinion). I have a divorced friend who is on some of these sites. We just laugh (at his stupidity) when you go to search, this same guy who used his real name on the dating site, on Facebook and see he has a wife whom he’s still very married to and “friends” with (connected accounts even – “Married to…” with pictures, etc.). Then we feel sad for the wife. And sorry for unknowing ladies who would think this man was free to date just because he was on a dating website.
I totally agree with you that separated is still married. I have not dated at all, but have browsed two dating websites out of curiosity. I’ve seen a lot of men on there who mark their status as “separated”. To me that’s a red flag. #1, he’s still married. #2, he can’t be alone.
Wow, that’s really sad and disgusting about that married guy you and your friend can see on the dating sites and also Facebook. His poor wife. 🙁 I’m sure there’s tons more like him out there. Hopefully one of her friends eventually sees him on one of those sites and lets her know. Way back in 2001, my ex got fired from his job where he was pretty high up in the department. This was just after our second child was born. The same pregnancy where I’m now 100% convinced he was having an affair with a co-worker — long story, but all the signs were there. When he got fired, he said it was due to “restructuring of the office”. The day after he got fired, I caught him crying on the phone to a woman “friend” from work. He wouldn’t talk to me about it at all. He said he was crying to her, because he was “trying to be strong for me.” I have no doubt in my mind that he was having an affair with a co-worker and he got fired for it. It would have been a gift from heaven if just one person from his office would have told me the truth about his affair, so I could make a good decision for myself and my children. I was totally in the dark and had to connect the dots years later to figure out I was cheated on and had grounds for divorce a long time ago. I will never understand why not one single person told me.
Thanks for you blog and videos, Jen!! I enjoy reading all your posts. 🙂
Wow thank you so much for this. I’m so thankful I found your website. This is exactly what I needed to hear today in the midst of a separation from my cheating husband. He left me for someone 15 years younger than him. He didn’t tell me there were problems in our marriage; he just stepped out and said I should have known and sorry, he doesn’t want to work on things. I struggle with anger and hatred for both he and the other “girl.”
You’re very welcome! Did you see/read my betrayal trauma series of posts? Glad to have you on this journey to healing. I know this is a tough time, I hope this ministry helps you to know you’re not alone. We’re here to encourage and empower you… you WILL survive.
I am so thankful I found Jens site too. Same thing happened to me. Was married for 11 years and he just walked out one day and said I should have know too. He didn’t even tell his son goodbye. His OW, which isn’t the first, is 12 years younger. She left her husband for him. He had been living w her for who know how long since he works in another state.
At first I was angry with the OW, but then I was so thankful for her. Because of her I sought help to figure out what was going on in the marriage and soon found out he was abusive. If she hadn’t come into our lives, I would still be married to him. I realized later that I had watched him abuse her too. It helped me see how it wasn’t me who was the problem, he was.
I can relate to that as well; an eye-opening experience.
This one is hard for me. I feel like I am dealing with cheating narcissistic and abusive husband but also a very manipulative unhealthy sociopathic homewrecker. Like it’s two completely toxic people. They are the same person just male and female and now in a relationship. Are there times that this happens. Of course my husband is to blame for choosing to have an affair, but this woman actively pursued my husband while she was married, his co-worker and our neighbor. Sick and twisted.
KB, it was after reading a couple of Lundy Bancroft’s books (Why Does He Do That?) that I was able to see the manipulation that I lived before and during the marriage, as well as how the OW is/was being manipulated. The abuser often likes to blame his current girlfriends as well as his exes – I’m sure he tells her lies too – because he’s a pathological liar as well as blames others for what he does (projection). There may be times when a narcissist dates/marries a narcissist, but it’s often rare as two selfish, self-centered people can’t get much from the other. A narcissist needs supply, a caregiver and would not usually find one in another narcissist for very long. She could have pursued him as a way to feel good about herself – low self-esteem. They just don’t know they should and could do better than a married man. I feel sorry for someone like that.
I’m not really the OW but in a sense I guess I am. Let me explain. I’m his 2nd wife. Here is some background info. I’m currently separated from my 2nd husband of 9 years and I actually see a pattern in this type of man. I was widowed after 30 years and he widower after 33 years. We, I thought had a lot in common. We both took care of seriously ill 1 st spouses for years. After we were married My 2nd husband told me that although they stayed married his first wife and him had a bad relationship. He told me about how she cheated on him, but he forgave her. and took her back and How she was emotionally and mentally abusive and how he doesn’t think they really loved each other, not like him and I do. Well, I left because of his anger issues and his emotional abuse of me and his threat to not only kill himself but to set it up to look like I killed him. After I left he kept and still accuses me of cheating on him. I found out 2 days after I left he was perusing another woman and this time telling her how mean and emotionally abusive I was to him. See a pattern here. He actually posted this to the woman on FB about me.
He chose to date a woman, days after I left that was emotionally vulnerable from the recent suicide of her son. All while telling me how much he loved me and needed me and wanted me back even if I had another man, he could forgive me. So you see if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned the pattern of lies these type of men spread and use to hook the OW. I thank God every day Jen for your ministry you and the information I’ve received from you has set me on my path back to God and my healing. And for this I’m grateful.
When my ex-husband was cheating on me, I surely felt like the other woman but I wasn’t. It sounds like that’s how you feel as well. I agree these types of men do have a pattern… and it’s so important to our healing to see that. Glad to have you along on this journey to healing. 🙂
I just happened upon your website and I feel like we must have had similar experiences. I don’t hate the “OW”, who’s now is his most recent ex. I’ve actually become very good friends with her. She was lured in by lies and a false picture of an amicable split while he was still trying to get me to reconcile…. and then later when the truth started to unravel he made up stories of how crazy I am. He was cheating on her in record time and since they split already has a new victim and I’m sure several in the wings. Our friendship has been very cathartic for me, and helped me heal from what used to be incredibly painful. Needless to say he’s less than thrilled that we are friends. 🤣