My friend, Pastor Curtis Alexander, was willing to share a male perspective on the topic of waiting to date, healing, and life after divorce. I think this information is very valuable for us females who are walking the path of surviving and thriving after divorce.
Pastor Curtis is an Assistant Pastor and accomplished musician for a church in The Greater Toronto Area (Canada) while leading a singles ministry, Christian Singles On-The-Go.
Today, Pastor Curtis is going to answer a few of my pressing questions about when to start dating after divorce. He has been such a great Christian Brother to me, through my 5+ years of healing, that I knew anything he had to share would help us all to find healing from our Savior, during and after divorce.
Thank you again, Curtis!
What have been the benefits you’ve seen from waiting 5+ years to date, after a divorce?
After my divorce (due to being abandoned), I actually did not date any women for almost 7 years. I chatted with a few online but did not have any real kind of meeting that could be considered “dating” in that time. That’s a long time. I needed a lot of healing, and that is a key reason why any divorced person should wait a while before dating. I had to seek the Lord and let Him do a new work of healing and forgiveness in my heart. It was a long slow process, but that does not mean every person is the same. And I would never impose a time limit on people in my singles ministry… I avoid telling them they must wait 7 years before dating again. I try not to place a hard number on it.
Instead, I teach singles to wait for a long enough time for three benefits to occur:
- They deepen their relationship with the Lord Jesus and experience His love and acceptance in a powerful new way that would not have been possible in the old marriage, or in dating someone new. God has a special and amazing way of manifesting Himself to the brokenhearted.
- They are experiencing peace of mind and their mind is no longer entangled by their past marriage. We are not making new decisions based on past hurts but based on the leading of Jesus Christ, with a clear heart and mind. The bitterness has been purged.
- They have had proper time to grieve the loss of a loved one. In this case, the “loved one” is the marriage itself. Divorce is a loss like death, therefore it requires a mourning process, through which the Holy Spirit can work. But every person heals at a different rate, so again, I try not to tell people that it has to be 5 years or 7 years. Maybe God gives them a complete healing and release from loss after three years or two years. Anything is possible with God! The key is that we must wait some period of time. There is no condemnation on those who do move on in a healthy manner…. and if 5 years is how the Holy Spirit is leading you personally, then follow Him. It ultimately comes down to the Lord’s times and seasons.
What do you see as the disadvantages to dating too soon?
Well first off, the divorce must be final, not in process. Too many Christians start dating again while still married. Separation is not divorce. If your divorce isn’t final yet, you aren’t single yet…. you are still married. If we are to be consistent with Jesus and follow His Word, we must not date anyone who is still legally married. We should respect Biblical marriage as God’s sacred institution and, as such, refuse to encroach on someone else’s marriage. We should refuse to be unfaithful to our spouse even if the divorce is being processed in court.
Aside from that, the biggest disadvantage of dating too soon (assuming the person is legally divorced now) is entanglement. We are too easily ensnared with the wrong people when we cannot think clearly and Biblically. Newly divorced Christians can sometimes be in so much emotional and soulish pain. We can be desperate to avoid loneliness, we are looking for a quick fix to ease the pain of rejection and abandonment and/or unfaithfulness and/or oppression.
We long to be loved again, and in dating too soon, we miss the greatest Love of all, the Lord our God. God is Love and His name is Jesus Christ. Divorced people need to start at home alone, spending time with Jesus Christ, the lover of their souls. He is a true healer, and I speak from personal experience. If He can heal me without the use of dating, He can heal you without the use of dating as well. Another big disadvantage of dating too soon is that we might be missing what God wants to do with our singleness.
What have you learned about marriage and/or singleness while remaining single?
I have discovered that singleness is sacred because of Jesus Christ, who lived as the ultimate single man on earth. I have learned through the extensive study of the Word of God that singleness is both a gift (1 Cor. 7:7) and a season (Eccl. 3:5b). Marriage and singleness are both seasonal gifts and both are holy in Christ. Singleness is not for you or for me… it is for the “things of the Lord”. (1 Cor 7:32).
What are the things of the Lord? Well, we see what Jesus taught: He taught that we should be preaching the Kingdom of Heaven and repentance and remission of sins. He taught that we would be part of His churches. So if we are single, even just for a season, we should be using that seasonal gift to serve Jesus the best we can, as the Holy Spirit leads us. Take me for example, 5 years after the divorce, my church approached me and asked if I could lead a monthly Christian singles group. I prayed about it and agreed fairly quickly. The Lord’s anointing on me when I teach singles how to live meaningfully.
I don’t discourage marriage but I also don’t put pressure on people to get married. Jesus allowed His disciples to get married or live as singles. The key is, to put Jesus first in all that you do. And if you don’t get married, that makes it easier to put Jesus first! I reject the idea that singleness has to be a lifetime gift. A few individual Christians do have a long-term gift of celibacy. I can tell you, and I am sure many will relate to me, I do not! But that does not mean my temporary season of singleness is not a gift. It is! The moment you are divorced, you are in a new season, and a gift will emerge from the ashes of loss. As rough as it seems at first, God can and will turn all things for good if you love Him and listen to His call on your life. My theme verse for my group “Christian Singles On The Go” is 1 Corinthians 7:17. As the Lord calls each one, so let him walk.
Anything you’d like women to know about singleness or dating after divorce?
Speaking as a Christian man to a predominantly Christian female audience, I would like to offer some encouragement:
- You are loved and complete in Christ, with or without a husband. Only seek to enter into dating after you are secure in these Biblical truths. Search the Word and pray diligently. Discover these things for yourself, as I did. This may take a year, maybe 5 years. But give yourself plenty of time alone with Jesus, and spend time weekly in a local church also.
- Your worth is far above rubies, regardless of what your former husband did or did not do. Christ is who gives you value. You are worth His sinless Blood. He paid it all for you. So don’t compromise your Christ-given worth and settle for an ungodly man.
- Single Men of God do exist, and they do want and desire godly dating boundaries. Sadly some women proclaim Christ but they seem to lack some boundaries, and I think it may be because they don’t realize who they are in Christ, and how much they are worth in Christ.
- Men and women both continue to have physical, emotional, and soulish needs, even after divorce. Therefore, don’t be too afraid to move on. God will let you know when you have healed enough to begin wisely letting someone new into your life. We may not feel ready, but if we hide for too long, we begin to harden to the idea of finding a new spouse. We endanger our hope of marital love and success. Don’t be extreme in your view. Be balanced.
In other words, walk straight down the middle of the road, and avoid the two ditches on either side: one ditch is “legalism”. In this case, legalism would forbid and kill any desire or hope to remarry. You risk becoming stone-hearted.
The other ditch is: “license”. License is dangerous because you don’t exercise proper discretion in dating and fail to uphold personal and Biblical boundaries in dating. Somewhere in the middle of the road, there is room for two lanes: those who choose to marry in a healthy fashion, and those who choose to remain single in a healthy fashion. Jesus is the Way in which we travel.
Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. – John 14:6 NLT
What do you think of Curtis’s perspective? No matter what you think about dating, now or in the future, I hope this helped you with your healing today, in your current stage. Feel free to leave a thank you note for Pastor Curtis, or ask him a question, in the comments below.
God bless your healing journey,
Related Posts:
- Heal Your Heart First (After Divorce)
- What Moving On Looks Like (After Divorce)
- Coping With Feeling Lonely After Divorce
I love this!! Thanks Curtis. I agree 100%. As a divorced single mama (also due to abandonment), I am determined to wait on God and the Holy Spirit helps me daily. I know that my worth is far above rubies and that I am a good gift for the man that the Lord will choose for me someday. But I am in no hurry! It breaks my heart to see so many women rush into new relationships while separated or too soon after divorce. Then they wonder why it hurts so much when the new relationship fails. God is a good Father and He gives good gifts to his children. Let’s wait and serve God faithfully, trusting that even the pain of divorce will work together for our good!
Amen that that, THISMAMAANDHERKIDS, well spoken! I am very glad my words were an encouragement to you!
I love the fact that you are not rushing things, and you know your worth in Christ! SO awesome! Keep on walking with Jesus!
God bless you!
Pastor Curtis
Above comment should have said “Amen to^ that, ^Chek at THISMAMAANDHERKIDS”
Gotta love typos! 🙂
Yes
Thanks Curtis. ..Terrific wise council! I especially enjoyed your example of the two ditches. Jesus can help us as single people stay in the middle So that we don’t repeat history.
Thanks S.A.!
I am grateful that my illustration of the two ditches is helpful to you! It is very important to walk in the middle of the WAY, In The Lord Jesus Christ. God bless you!
Pastor Curtis
Thank you Jen for helping me with technical part to View the email interview with a wise man, Pastor Curtis.
Thank you Pastor Curtis for your words of wisdom and I like how Jen inserted her own references to each of your replies.
I too was abandoned with shock when a separation paper was literally thrown at me while I was preparing our kids, then 6 and 10 for school. That happened almost 7 years ago. I found “Divorce Care” immediately from a lady at Church that I helped with her own type of Recovery. I attended the entire class time and then repeated 6 more sessions that were only offered locally in another Church. But I needed more and I gave up on me. So I continued to focus on my children, work and maintaining the house and almost seeing their father daily at work and /or with kid’s games or house visits. I have been legally separated for now almost 6.5 years. Prior to our marriage of almost 19 years, I only had one boyfriend for 15 years (engaged for about 1.5 years). I have not dated or been with another man since before my soon to be Ex gave me papers. I didn’t grow up in the Church, however I started attending on a regular basis since about 1994. So our children were raised in the church, and I didn’t know they were struggling with secrets about their dad’s other life, I didn’t know my son saw his dad as a hypocrite at the age of 10. The guilt and shame I had finding things out 2 years ago that my children kept inside broke my heart. Both kids were (and one of them is still) in therapy. I’ve been in therapy now for 2 straight years and I had no idea that I was suffering myself from what I recently found out was from many forms of domestic violence. I am healing, with guidance from therapists/doctor and Jen and her references to see that God has this for me and my kids. I am lonely since even my very few girlfriends are now keeping their own distance from me, but I am trying to fully rely on God. I have no male relatives to help, so I really appreciate your honesty and male perspective of waiting to date or choose to be single.
Thank you and you’re welcome, ANewDawn! Actually, all those references were Pastor Curtis. He also has his own blog, so he knew what he was doing. 🙂
I agree that there must be sufficient time for healing. Many marriages and dating relationships are doomed before they even begin because they are rushed into before healing has had time to take place. Many people carry baggage from one relationship to the next and this allows that baggage to cause problems where otherwise there would not be any of the sort. Marriage will never be perfect, nor easy, but it can be sanctified and holy if it is begun with 1) God, 2) a clean slate from previous relationships, and 3) a desire to be a partner and helpmate to the new spouse – not looking for someone to be that for you. I also agree that women have a hard time setting and keeping boundaries, I definitely do. I recommend dating accountability partners. Preferably a close friend with discernment as their spiritual gift, or even several friends to include a Christian married couple. Not to put prospective spouses through a Spanish inquisition to be held with questions, but for genuine and honest feedback from people who care about your well being – but the key to this is your willingness to listen to their feedback! If you aren’t going to heed warnings from people who care about you and whose only bias is your best interest, you aren’t ready for dating anyway.
Thank you so much Jen and Pastor Curtis for this wonderful advice. It really resonates with all that I felt inside, but didn’t know how to articulate. I have printed this out so I can refer back to it again and again. It is such great advice that I also want to share this with all of my friends in divorcecare. I have been separated 10 months and divorced 3 months. I am going through divorcecare for a second time and belong to a few other healing ministries. Pretty soon, I would like to transition from the recovery groups to starting Christian singles group that focuses on activities and service projects. Do you have any suggestions for starting a singles group at my church? Do you have a program that you used as the structure for yours? Do you have any resources that you like that you can refer me to? Thank you again for the wonderful blog.
You’re welcome! You can find out more information about Pastor Curtis’ ministry on that Facebook page linked in the article.
Hi,
I think this perspective makes perfect sense . . . but I’m in what I call “the hole” right now, when I a stuck in a dark place, in agony, without any hope . . .
I’m turning 34 next month, and I never got to have children. (My husband was sick for years before he got much better, landed a new job, and then decided to leave me.) I’m afraid I may never get to have children. I was hoping I’d be having kids now, instead of losing my husband . . .
The desire for a family certainly isn’t a reason to rush into anything, and I honestly couldn’t fathom dating in the near-term, but I’m afraid I will never have a family.
I know it is in God’s hands, but I just don’t know if I’ll ever have true love and a family now. I feel intense loss, that the best days of my life are behind me, and that there isn’t a lot to live for now . . . I know life isn’t for my happiness but I struggle to keep going when I just feel hopeless.
There is no replacing him. We were together since we were sixteen years old. Seventeen years.
I know there are lot of posts about being stronger. But I don’t want to be strong and alone. I know I’ll never be truly alone because I have Jesus but it isn’t the same. I still want a husband and a family.
I know this entire comment is a jumbled ramble but I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m in Biblical counseling. I’m also in therapy. I just keep falling into this hole.
Hi Tara, I have other blog posts about healing your heart, getting emotionally healthy and rebuilding your life after divorce.
Thanks, Jen. The post about waiting five years was the one I read. I don’t think I could wait that long if I hope to have a family, given that would put me at 39 before I even start dating . . . So I’ll pray about it and see when I’m ready but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to wait that long unless I want to throw away that dream, because my husband abandoned me. I don’t think I should just give up on that because of his sin.
Hi Tara, I don’t think anyone is saying that. The point is to heal after divorce before dating again. If your focus is dating to marry to have children, you may miss some really big red flags. But I trust God is with you and will guide you through safely! God bless!
Thank you Pastor Curtis for sharing your male perspectives. I am so glad that somebody finally spoke to this topic in legalism. I have been contemplating the grace of God found in scripture. There are many “exceptions” and areas of God’s grace to shine in the Bible. The path of his saints was not a sterile and rigid road of demanding perfection, but an armful of love in comforting his bride walking through a sinful world on their way to Jesus. He said, You will find Me when you seek me and search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13. He does speak to us as well. That is a small wonder I have been grateful for in this journey: learning to hear His voice and to know it above all others in this world. May God greatly bless you in your journey and give you His grace to complete your purpose well.
I appreciate your testimony and Biblical advice Pastor.
I was married for over 8 years before my husband divorced me for another woman. She was already living with him before the papers were even signed.
She was the fourth known woman my husband had cheated on me with. There was nothing I could do to save our marriage. He told me I couldn’t force him to stay and said he didn’t love me anymore. He blamed me for everything he did. No amount of forgiveness changed him. Every year, it got worse. I was just a trophy wife.
Anyway, less than a year after our divorce he remarried. I was a broken person long before that though.
I tried to date again but nothing was solid. I couldn’t find a man worthy of my love or loyalty. So, I remained celibate for 4 years.
In that time, my faith grew, and I learned more about the Word of God. I slowly healed.
And then, an old friend and coworker reconnected with me and a mutual interest sparked between us but I felt confused and discouraged because I didn’t know what God wanted for me.
I read the passages in the Bible about divorce and remarriage. I always assumed that I could never be with anyone again because I was neither a widower and I couldn’t reconcile with my husband even if I wanted to.
I thought I had to prepare myself for a lonely, celibate life and never love another man again.
It broke my heart but if that was my yoke to bear, I thought that maybe it would please God.
Me and him have stayed in contact but nothing has happened between us. He is not interested in anyone else. He has his heart set on me. He has never been married but I’m divorced.
Would it be considered adultery on my end if I wanted to marry him? Do I have to bear my exhusband’s wrongdoing for the rest of my life?