I rarely hear from a woman who wants a divorce. Women may know they’re in an abusive or adulterous marriage or have been abandoned, but instead of seeking a divorce, they separate and wait for their husband to make the first move. Many women just don’t want to be divorced.
That’s why I write a lot about surviving an unwanted divorce.
There are times when a separation is necessary or a normal part of the process while waiting for a divorce. But there are also many times that I hear from ladies who are in “separation limbo” waiting months or years without making progress towards a divorce. No matter the circumstances this is a very hard place to live.
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Normal separation waiting period.
I know in many states and countries, there is a mandatory waiting period before either party can file for or finalize a divorce in court. The separation can be weeks, months or years, living together or not living with your spouse. The court is expecting that the parties are “cooling off” before making any quick decisions while allowing for a possibility for reconciliation. The law depends on where you live so there is not much anyone can do about it.
When I was separated, I knew the feeling of not knowing if or when things will progress one way or the other. We lived in limbo while my former husband was living with, sleeping with, and financially supporting other women. But as the separation continued past several months, I knew I could not stay in this limbo forever. I knew one of us would have to file for divorce – he ended up doing it both times. Then, we processed through that normal waiting period because we had young children at that time.
Long-term separation (legal or not).
Many women wait to file or allow their husbands (in his own time) to file for varies reasons. I’ve coached women who have preferred to stay in this stage of limbo for the children, for the financial reasons (including insurance), moral reasons, or fear of what her husband would do in court, or of the unknown. Many of us know how scary it can be to trust the legal system to help us gain our independence and freedom.
In the long run, staying legally married for these reasons comes with many consequences or dangers. There is no finality, and often full healing cannot take place, because there is still that dependence on him, especially financially. You’re in limbo because you don’t know if he coming back home, is the marriage going to be saved, or what’s next? You’re still entangled with him physically (or financially) and emotionally. Your life is basically on hold, allowing him to decide.
You may be avoiding several short-term issues while gaining long-term problems. These problems can be minor or severe. You’re not divorced so you’re not 100% separated from him, his choices, and his problems. Circumstances change and you could be facing a greater hardship by waiting to divorce.
Who’s legally responsible?
What happens when one of you gets sick or has a medical emergency? Unless there is legal document telling otherwise, you’re responsible to decide what happens to him. And he gets to decide for you (his choice if you live or die). If he loses his job, you’re legally responsible for his legal obligations. If you make a big purchase, he has a legal right to it. He can leave the state and file for divorce someplace else or refuse to do anything at all. If another state has more lax divorce laws, you could be out your half of the marital assets or alimony – if applicable.
Just this year, federal tax laws pertaining to divorce in the U.S. were turned upside down to help increase federal income and reduce the fraud that happens when those paying alimony claim they’re paying more than they really are. This means receiving less income from alimony – since the payer can’t write it off. Furthermore, who knows what other tax laws will be changed in the future that could harm divorced women even more.
If there are children, waiting to divorce might seem like the best choice. Why put the kids through this? But for many reasons, children are still be harmed. Legally, until there is custody established and a parenting-time plan, either party has a right to take their child and flee the country. It’s morally wrong but it still happens. And this could get very expensive to try to get children back from another state or country.
Also, children wait and hope for their family to be repaired while living in this separation limbo with parents. They may want the arguing to end, they may want to see you happy, or not want to see their father committing adultery against you. Children need structure, knowing what’s going to happen next, and security. Waiting in the unknown causes anxiety and other emotional problems, not knowing who they can trust.
Is there another woman?
Even if you think there might be another woman – you’re probably correct – three people in a marriage makes marriage reconciliation almost impossible. And even if you are able to restore the marriage, things will never be the same. The covenant vow has been broken and cannot be repaired. Yes, God can do anything He wants to do. But the truth is, even 100% through God, very few couples are able to come to complete healing reconciling after divorce. If one of the two doesn’t want to seek God, doesn’t want to work on himself for why he chose to cheat, and fight for the marriage then divorce needs to happen.
It’s not worth it to stay married for the sake of saying you’re married, having marital status and insurance. If you’re worried about what people think, they honestly think you’re a dummy. I’m not saying that to insult you! I’m saying this from experience – I’ve been right where you are. Later, friends told me they thought I was dumb for allowing my husband to continue to live with another woman while I physically and financially took care of everything. They thought I was better off divorced! But they were just too afraid to tell me to my face.
I naively thought waiting to divorce was what was best for me and the children. Now, they blame me for everything. Staying separated leaves that chapter open indefinitely. Finalizing your divorce means closing a chapter so you can open a new one, full of healing, freedom, and security.
Are you living in separation limbo? Have you had to accept what is reality and file for divorce? How did you know it was the right time to file for divorce? {Real name not required.}
May God bless your healing journey,
We were separated for 3 years. I had hopes of reconciling and we tried many times. I also had great insurance coverage under him and I didn’t know what I would do once I no longer had his benefits, as I was completely broke. But, being separated, I was still connected to him, he was my husband, so I was always letting him back in and was not able to completely heal. It wasn’t until I went to a retreat with my church for a weekend that I finally realized the truth. He was not going to seek divorce. He wanted to be able to come and go when he pleased, and I was letting him. So, once I returned from my retreat, I began the process of divorce on my own. We didn’t have kids together, (we each had our own child from previous relationships), so the process was really easy. The load that came off my shoulders once our divorce was final was felt. I was able to begin to heal, fully. Now, of course, I did what I normally had been doing and let him back 2 more times, sighh…I know…but, it was never the same.
Now, finally, after almost a year of being divorced, I have finally started to let him go. This process hasn’t been easy. It has been one of the hardest moves I had to make. But, I know that God has me and He will not leave me. I know He has a plan for me, and I know that I must trust Him.
Thank you, Jennifer, for sharing your wisdom from being separated long-term. I don’t have first-hand experience in this way, so I appreciate those who do sharing their experience. This is exactly what I hear from my coaching clients. It was a hard, scary step toward healing to say this is not going to lead to reconciliation and file a divorce, but everyone that I’ve talked to have said it was worth it. They weren’t able to fully heal until they realized it was over and/or the divorce was final.
As far as letting him back, I’ve been there (repeat mistake)! Learned my lesson too! 🙂
My Ex hasn’t given me a dime since we separated two years ago. The unknown terrifies me. What if it’s not as glorious on the other side that i’ve worked up in my head? I am so thankful for my support system. But am still just separated and it’s not over. Praying for strength. XO
I don’t think that idea was worked up in your head, as I know countless women who’ve told me they are so glad they went ahead and filed for divorce. The fact that your husband is not financially supporting (a legal obligation) you would be a great reason to take him to court.
I’m in limbo right now, afraid to make the leap to divorce. In my situation, there is no infidelity. He was just a critical, tough man to live with (I think probably a narcissist on some level).
He has said he is sorry many times and has “repented,” but of course I am skeptical. By not pulling
the rip cord, I am able to keep health benefits and stay afloat financially. He has allowed me to keep the kids 100% because he believes we will
all be under one roof together soon. I know if I file, it will be “game on” and he will fight for custody. I don’t want to lead him on. We are able to be civil and co-parent well, and because we are in separate homes things are peaceable. I doubt it would stay this way though if we were back together in one house.
Living in limbo causes me daily angst. I know I will need to make a decision soon.
Thank you for your post. It is a topic I have not seen addressed before.
I know most women like to have things wrapped into a pretty bow of “adultery.” Like somehow that will make divorce easier to take the next steps. But from someone who had adultery, none of it’s easy, no matter the circumstances. You just have to find out if divorce is the best option for you and take the steps to seek divorce when you are ready. The new life after divorce IS better!
I tried reconciliation for a few years too… before he asked for a divorce and about a year after. He had moved the kids and me to another state with my sister and stayed behind, so our only contact was emails, an occasional phone call, and a few visits a year. He got more and more distant. I kept hearing voices in the background. The kids started referring to “Dads friends,” but they never named them. I found out eventually that he was living with a second affair partner. He wouldn’t pay for the divorce even though he makes 4.5 times as much as I do. He avoided divorce because it would cost him money and control, plus those alimony payments would kick in. So while I cleaned up the mess from the old life, he was already done building the new- and acclimating the kids to it too. He remarried less than a month after the divorce finalized and even though he gave me custody willingly, he filed for custody a few months after. He needed to get married for her financial support, to buy a big house (image control), and for tax breaks in order to finance a custody pursuit.
Don’t expect that because you’re good natured and fair that he will be too. All the time he was saying there shouldn’t be anything to fight about or contest, he was lying to my kids about me and quietly working out his own damage control.
I’m praying for God’s wisdom and help in this matter because that is the only way I am going to be able to pull through with my kids at my side.
Totally agree! Thanks for sharing.
Jen,
Would you happen to have video on how to do the divorce papers? I’ve got mine but came with no instructions. I’d seen a low income lawyer but he left 20min after arriving after I’d paid for an hour. I’d like to get the papers going so as soon as courts are allowed back open, I can get it over with.
Each state is very different, so no one could put together instructions for how to fill out the paperwork for your state and county. Instead, go to your local library and ask about the divorce filing reference books for your state. They are pretty big because there is a lot to know about the laws/rules in your state and county. But it might help.
WE WERE MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS. I just filed the motion to modify a legal separation to a divorce after being in limbo for a year, waiting for him to determine if he wanted to focus on himself or our marriage. We live in separate cities, but he likes to “visit” when the urge strikes. This causes confusion and disruption. I learned that this legal separation also has legal ramifications. Should I die, as a surviving spouse he would inherit everything we carefully split up, (and I fear he could arrange my fall off of a cliff for just this reason). As my spouse, he would be able to make medical decisions for me should I be incapable. Should he crash his car and damage someone else’s property, I would share any liability for a damage lawsuit. My insurance costs would go up because of the black mark on his driver’s record. Should he make late payments on a joint bill, it will affect my credit rating. If he takes on debt or doesn’t pay his rent, I could be on the hook to pay it. I cannot file for social security benefits based on his record until we have been divorced for 2 years, or he chooses to begin taking social security himself. My Medicare payments are higher, based on our joint income (not just mine) as in their eyes we are married. In our state, for tax purposes we are either divorced or married and his financial moves and income are increasing my taxes. Should I win the lottery, he would get half. If he helps with repairs or lives part time in my house, he may be establishing rights to partial ownership of the home. If I start a business, half would be his.. So, beware the pitfalls of remaining in the legal limbo of legal separation (married in the yes of many). If the relationship is worth reviving, we could divorce, reconcile and remarry each other after signing a protective prenuptial agreement. I am protecting myself, my property and finances and my rights by ending the limbo with a divorce.
The process of separation is a challenging one if two people are in one home. If the wife is the breadwinner and the husband will not move out, choices are limited. He cannot be physically removed from the home, even if the wife pays for everything, since he is the legal spouse. In the eyes of the law, it is his home, too, even if he doesn’t pay for it.