For many years of my life, I was so starved for love that I opened myself up to being abused by people who really did not love me. I heard their words and believed them. It wasn’t until someone told me to use the verses in 1 Corinthians 13, replacing “Love” with that person’s name that I finally understood the lie I was living. I now share this wisdom with the ladies that I mentor privately on a regular basis.
____ is patient and kind. ____ is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. ____ does not demand its own way. ____ is not irritable, and ____ keeps no record of being wronged. ____ does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ____ never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT
I think a lot of women fall into this same trap. We fall for it because we want to be loved. We don’t realize that we don’t have to be married, to be loved. We are loved just for being. We are worthy of love. And anyone who says they “love you” will do so with actions, more so than words. Because love is a verb.
We stayed much longer than we should have because we long to be filled with love… and believe their words.
We did not love ourselves enough to get out when we first saw the red flags.
I stayed… after I found “Friend Finder,” in the computer’s history. When I found out about affair partner number one. Then again when I learned about number two and number three and… What about the ones I don’t know about? Why didn’t I think I deserved better?!
Because I was so starved for love that I thought abuse was love, or as my counselor said, that was my “normal”. I stayed because I was love bombed (targeted).
Then once I got on that emotional roller coaster, I didn’t know how to get myself off. I thought I needed to make the personal sacrifices (you know with my own emotional and physical health) and just stay for the sake of “marriage” and to keep the family unit together. I believed that things eventually would get better. I believed my pastors who told me that my patience and kindness… and love… would change things.
Abuse is never love.
I believe that if a spouse is adulterous, even once, they are not loving! Love does not have affairs. A loving person does not, even if unintentionally, try to hurt another person especially through abuse. Love is protective of that marriage covenant, the other person’s heart, and is not selfish. Love does not abuse. Period.
Furthermore, love stands up and doesn’t enable wrong choices and behaviors. Sometimes love must be tough and walk away from relationships that are harmful to the innocent, especially the children who are watching.
[Also Read: Why I Have High Standards (And You Should Too!)]
Only Through God’s love.
The longing for love is in the heart of every single person. But no human can fulfill that longing in another person. Only God can. When we try to use any other substitute we can fall into the trap of being abused by people without even realizing it. We become people pleasers – while worrying about what others think about us. (Me too!) Or even trying to impress others with what we have or what we look like.
Those things will never fulfill that longing for love.
When we know our Father’s love we begin to love ourselves the way He does. See ourselves how He sees us. We start to gain our acceptance from Him, and Him alone.
When we have that, will no longer accept poor treatment, because we know to Whom we belong. We do not accept the lies or put up with abuse. We know what true love is because we feel it from God. God is love – even when He is disciplining us. And without the Father’s love in your heart, you will never find lasting love.
This is why I have high standards for myself now. Because I know the love of my Abba, Daddy.
I am no longer an empty tank with a longing for love. I am filled and waiting for someone else who is filled.
Do not be so starved for love that you put up with poor treatment like I did.
You are worth so much more.
[You May Also Enjoy: You Are Enough (When Scars Tell Us We’re Not)]
Where do you now find love? From the source?
God bless your healing journey,
Thanks for sharing…love it.
I have often looked at 1 Corinthians 13 and applied it to myself. I then became self accusing, because I became impatient when he went silent and refused to talk to me about anything of importance. I was jealous when he showed preference to other women. I began to demand he back me up with the children when he was letting them do whatever they wanted (including disrespect me). I was irritable with everyone as I got less and less sleep and constantly worried over why he was ignoring phone calls and constantly staying late at work. I remembered past wrongs when he began repeat behaviors consistent with past affairs, like leaving his wedding band at home. He also used these things to blame me for being unloving toward him. Then after months of kicking myself when I was already down, I read this quote:
“…there is no moral equivalence between expressing frustration and intentional abuse…” ~ Sharie Stines
With his departure, love has returned to our home. I only wish I had been brave enough to leave him after the first affair.
Oh, me too, Stephanie!
Furthermore, responding to how one is being treated – like being silent when someone is raging or reactive to any sound you make – that is NOT abuse, unloving, or uncaring to remain silent. That is coping the best you know how at the time. Thank you for the insightful discussion.
Jen, I feel sad for and mad at young me who didn’t know red flags. Who didn’t trust her gut the first time I thought he was cheating (long distance love letter writing – possible physical affair even before we were engaged). I believe all his lies, over and over again. I’m almost 100% positive he had an affair when I was pregnant with our second child. He coldly one day said, “You and the kids will be fine financially without me.” He ended up staying. I tried to put it behind me, but walked on eggshells the next 14 years, wondering if it would happen again. So much gaslighting, blameshifting, projecting, etc. I finally did catch him out on a date with a newly divorced woman that he was secretly seeing for the previous nine years for coffee dates before work (maybe more?). I then just had enough and started telling his family, my family and friends all that transpired the previous 24 years. I unmasked him and I now realize that’s the worse thing to do to a narc! And of course I didn’t know he was a narc at the time! So he started the standard smear campaign behind my back even before I knew he was going to discard me. This whole thing has been such a nightmare. I could go on and on. I just want to heal from this. I want to move on. I want to forget about him. I want to forgive myself for all my stupid mistakes. I want to get closer to God like I used to be. Sadly, the church I brought my family to kinda took the narcs side, because he’s such a “nice guy.” They never saw any of the bad stuff. And all the lies. He shows up for church each week and plays the role of Mr. Christian Nice Guy, but then leaves and commits adultery with the woman I caught him out with. He lied to the pastor again and again, but they seem to be okay with it. I never in a million years would have thought a church could be so toxic and not follow what God says in the Bible. My ex even holds a leadership position with young boys. It’s just so disgusting to me. I’m stuck, but I will follow your blog and I like my sister said almost three years ago, “Don’t go back to Egypt!” She meant not to ever go back to my ex-husband and also to get my thoughts off of him. I would never go back to him. What he did to me was truly evil. Thank you for you blog.
You’re welcome! I’m glad you’re here. I was once in that same place. I believed the lies for so long too. But I learned, and you will too, that I deserved to be treated way better than that. I know you’re not there yet, but one day you’ll feel sorry for the new women in your ex’s life because you’ll know what it’s like to not feel worthy of better. But for now, this is about you and your healing… and not them and their destructive and dysfunctional choices. Leave them in God’s hands. And the Church too, they just don’t see the truth. I pray for you and all ladies who are struggling and trying to heal after divorce. Yes, God wants us to walk out of Egypt and stay out (I mention that very thing in my book).
Oh this speaks to me,
Jen, this blog has been a source of help!! Every article seems to describe my life… I share 3 kids with my soon to be ex & it’s by far the hardest thing to untangle the life we shared (or thought we shared) I felt like I have been crazy & alone. I sometimes struggle with no contact b/c of the kids. It’s the Fathers love that has brought me this far. It really was abuse and still is. The unbelievable mind games and manipulative behavior is really shocking.
I’m glad to walk with you on this journey to healing. You’re not alone!
So much yes has been found on your site for me. My husband hasn’t had physical affairs but has used porn and then used my “broken promise to exercise” as my “betrayal.” My hang up is how much my girls love their dad and God’s hatred of divorce. If he showed me 55% of the love he shows them I think I’d feel so much better. Instead I get gaslighting, blame, and emotional abuse.
Meghan, I really think you need to read more about “God’s hatred” (as you state) for divorce. This often comes from pastors, those in authority at church, or Christian writers feeding us what they’ve learned probably in the very same way. All it took was a few people to say, “God hates divorce, so no one must divorce!” and that’s what all Christians now believe. But I implore you to do the reading and understanding for yourself. What does Malachi 2 really say? Cross-reference other versions! And more importantly what’s the context behind this entire chapter? I wish you well on our journey to find Truth, while still experiencing this type of abuse (possibly even spiritual abuse from your church).