I Will Keep Speaking Out (About Abuse)

I’ve been actively speaking up against domestic abuse (violence, batterers, adulterers, etc.) for the last two years. Speaking up against sin that is the abuse at the hands of a husband. Adultery is included in that abuse definition. It was two years ago, this week, that a friend and fellow homeschool mom was killed, along with her teenage son, by her estranged husband. It was not something anyone expected even though we knew he hadn’t treated her the greatest.

He was quite charming, which fooled many.

Batterers usually fool their victims and the rest of the world. That’s why spreading awareness is so important to me. I was fooled as well…. until I learned to discern facts from the fog.

But on the flip side of that is always those who want to silence those who stand up and keep speaking about what goes on behind closed doors. They try to do so in a lot of different ways.

First, the batterers want to silence their victims. Their unrepentant hearts want you to pretend that it never happened. {Oh, they may say that they are repentant but their hearts lack the fruit of true repentance. You know like, allowing their victim to speak up to save other women from this same type of abuse. Not trying to silence her. Or manipulate her into taking the blame.}

Because, in his mind, he never did abuse anyone. Or it’s really her fault. They try to change the narrative. Try to paint this picture, where the victim to blame. Or that, they’re the “true victim” to your abuse because you’re “ruining his reputation” (not knowing that someone’s character dictates their reputation; if he had a better character then they’d have nothing but good things to say about him) by standing up against them or speaking out.

In his mind, you should just keep it all to yourself and never speak of it again.

In his mind, that is forgiveness.

If you would not have done ____ (made that mistake, told me about your hurt feelings, looked at me like that, said that, said that in that way, withheld sex, burnt my dinner, forgot to wash my blue shirt for me, etc., etc.), then I would not have done/said ____ (cursed at you, called you stupid, the b-word, or another nasty name, threatened to leave you or to divorce you, cheated on you, stopped paying the bills, leave you with no food, stop coming home, etc., etc.). Like somehow she controls him, his behaviors, and his choices by merely not acting how he wants or saying things exactly how he wants or doing her “wifey duties.”

Like somehow, she has to be held accountable for normal, healthy behavior. But he shouldn’t be held accountable for his destructive behavior!!

That just goes back to those who victim blaming. And it’s not just the abusers of this world who do it either.

You know the people who say, “Well, why was she there? If she had stayed home she would not have been raped.“

The one I even hear sometimes, and it’s so hard not to see this as truth, “Well, if you had not married him, knowing what you know about his past”, {which I found out after the fact because I believed his narrative – victims usually do}, “or I would have just divorced him the first time it happened…. then you would not be in this mess.“

 

But this statement leaves out the truth… that I was deceived.

Was I naive? Most definitely.

Have I learned my lesson? Yes, definitely!

I’ve broadened my knowledge of what an abuser acts like, what he “says”, how he says it, and how he keeps on abusing his victims… in the repeated abuse cycle (that emotional roller coaster). I’ve learned a ton since my days as a married woman and I’m no longer manipulated by words – the kind ones or the angry ones. I don’t believe the words of a pathological liar. Period!

I have to remind the ladies that I work with (several who are still married to their abuser [You know those Christian marriages where divorce is frowned upon!]), “Yes, he can be nice. And when he’s nice, he’s really nice. But when he’s mean, he’s really mean. It’s all just his way of manipulating you into giving him everything that he wants. He’s always just trying to control you. It’s always a selfish-niceness!! Just a game he plays. And he’s keeping score, so when he needs to bring up that time that he was [acting] nice… he certainly will.“

He’s always just trying to silence you too. Forget the abuse ever happened. “See how nice I am to you?” (Side note: Then when you reject their niceness, knowing it’s just part of the abuse cycle and not heartfelt – or with no lasting change or no real apology {because he always thinks he’s right} – he’ll accuse you of being the nasty one. “You don’t like my candy bar or flowers? See you are just an ungrateful ____!“)

Lastly, how abusers try to silence their victims is using phrases like, “Don’t air your dirty laundry.” It’s something I’ve heard my whole life from my abusers and those who enable them. It’s meant to keep all of the bad in private, especially abuse. To keep the skeletons in the closet. The dirty little secrets. To not “embarrass the family by sharing our private matters {sin} with others.“

 

What happened in the Bible?

Last night I was thinking. Genesis Joseph had some pretty bad things happen to him. A lot of abusive things were done behind closed doors (our out in the fields – far from his protective father, Jacob). Do you ever wonder how, or even why, these stories made it into the Bible?

I do!

Moses wrote Genesis, so he must have known about the things that happened to Joseph. But how did he know? Who told him? How did he know exactly the things that Joseph’s brothers said and did? Wasn’t that airing “family dirty laundry” if Joseph was telling his story to someone who shared it with Moses?

What about what happened with Potiphar’s wife, in private? I mean that was ruining Mrs. Potiphar’s reputation to speak of it again, right? That was clearly Joseph’s fault, no? It was her sin and not Joseph’s to share with the world, correct? Or was it part of Joseph’s life story? Even if it meant that someone else’s sin was exposed?

Joseph forgave his abusers, those who were truly repentant (after he tested them), and still kept sharing his story.

How do I know?

Well, there it is, in black and white in our Bibles.

Sin and abuse are exposed all throughout the Bible. Wrongs that were committed. People sharing their story and the life they had lived. Not silenced. Words that were passed from person to person until they could someday be written down. Words and experiences that are used to encourage others, as I’m sure they did back when they were just “stories” being shared by others.

This is why I will keep speaking out. I won’t be silenced by my abusers or their family nor the victim blamers of this world. I’ll share my story. My calling to walk in. Sharing the beauty that has been traded for ashes. And all the stuff in between.

I’m getting closer and closer to that beauty every day… while still living in that in-between here on earth.

My prayer is that if you’re needing to speak out too… I’m here… walking with you, Sister!

Walk in freedom from your oppressors!

 

Is it hard for you to share your story with others? Do you feel that people are trying to keep you silent?

God bless your healing journey,

 

 

 

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