I hear this question often. Did my narcissist ex-husband ever love me? And at one time I wondered the very same thing myself. I think it’s very normal to wonder; to ponder the relationship and if feelings were true for both parties – especially if we experienced a sudden unwarranted divorce. We know our own hearts but do we truly know the hearts of those we love the most?
Because we cannot know what goes on in someone’s heart and mind, we need to look at the actions of that person to decipher what is real and what we just wanted to believe at the time.
Last week, I had a nice, hour-long, conversation with my massage therapist. She too is divorced from a narcissist. Her story was very similar to mine, maybe yours too, in that she started standing up to her husband, said she wasn’t going to be a doormat any longer, asserting her voice, and instead of trying to work on the marriage, he filed for divorce. He said she changed, but the truth was she was unwilling to stay the same submissive doormat she had always been, so he discarded her and his family.
This is the same story I get in emails on a daily basis.
Then women want to know…
After a lot of education and thought, these are the realizations that I’ve come to.
Is this love?
I believe when you love someone, AND you’re an emotionally healthy person (important for healthy relationships), when your spouse says she’s feeling there are problems in the marriage, you figure out how to work them out. It becomes a wake-up call. A humble person would say, Oh, I didn’t realize I was doing anything to hurt you or make you feel unloved. What can we do to work this out?
Also, when you love someone you do your very best to never hurt or betrayal that person. Your motive is always love. To do right and to be right without being told or reminded – protecting the relationship and other person’s heart because it’s the right thing to do. You don’t love or associate with someone for selfish gain – to get love. Or to “stay out of trouble” or to make up for wrongs done. You are loving and you behave that way because you love. I love the quote…
The best apology is changed behavior. – Unknown
Are they capable of love?
A narcissist, on the other hand, loves for selfish reasons, like anything else. Instead of changing to a righteous person, the narcissist points the finger back at you as the problem (blame-shifting). Because the narcissist is unable to self-analyze, and cannot see himself as the problem, the only option is to self-protect. In protecting himself, and not the relationship, any concern for you is absent.
Since [narcissists] deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil, on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others. – M. Scott Peck, M.D.
Love is putting someone else before yourself while seeing the good in that other person, and working on yourself and the relationship to make it even better. A self-protecting, selfish, and immature person has no room in his heart to love anyone but himself. As a result, narcissists never obtain deeply bonded relationships or mature, secure, reciprocal love. Every relationship is for some sort of selfish gain… and once used up, will be thrown away like garbage. That’s how much they love – like we love trash.
But it seemed like love at first?
Of course, it did. Love bombing is the first stage of the relationship with a narcissist. He has to throw all the love languages (quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service or devotion, physical touch, and gifts) at you in order to gain your attention and make you believe that this intensity is real love. And because he does it all, you believe this person will truly love and treat you this way for the rest of your life. (You were targeted!)
Whatever you needed most, they validated and provided. Pay special attention to the things they obsessively flattered. These are what you’re looking for. – Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free {Partner Affiliate Link}
Then, the honeymoon ends and real life begins. The bills need to be paid, chores have to be done, and babies need 100% of their mother’s attention which leaves him feeling lonely. I’m sure you know what this looks like. For many of us, it’s the same story, and others it’s a little different. But the main point is always, he never treated me with love and he seemed to love himself, and especially his image, more than he did anyone else in the family.
He said he loved me and always will!
This is hard. I’ve heard from many women who have boxes of love letters and apology cards where he professes his undying love. You are his “soulmate” and he never wants to lose you. He’ll do better and be better… but it never happens. And you realize his empty promises sound like the latest romantic love song on the radio or the words you heard in a famous movie.
They sound familiar because he’s copying them or the things that you’ve said you’ve needed from him (mirroring). He loves the idea of romance and he feels fueled by the songs. Loves how it will make him feel to experience what the songs and movies talk about. The idea of being loved by someone who is perfect (in his mind) and will never stop loving him. He wants you to treat him how he plans to treat you. But really, the motivation is… himself.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”I had to love myself enough to walk away from someone who didn’t love me. #divorcehealing” tweet=”I had to love myself enough to walk away from someone who didn’t love me. #divorcehealing”]
What are these guys thinking?
We may never really know what goes on in the minds of a self-absorbed narcissist, but we can be sure their actions speak much more loudly than their words. When someone treats you like they don’t care, you have to trust that they don’t care! Stop trying to force them to be what you want them to be or think they can become. In the end, you have to love yourself enough to walk away from anyone who cannot love you equally as much as you love them.
When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time. – Maya Angelou
Do you believe you are/were married to someone who truly loved you or just the idea of what you could do for him? {Real name not required.}
May God bless your healing journey,
Be sure to check out this huge list of divorce and abuse healing resources.
*Note: Yes, I know women can be narcissists too! 🙂
Yup! He used to say, “I’m not perfect. I have flaws.” And then when asking him to name a couple he literally wouldn’t do it. Haha narc sociopath for sure
Thank you for sharing this! This is my story…EXACTLY! I walked away and filed for divorce because I told him I “would not live in a loveless marriage”…
Thank you for your ministry and your insights… they are reaching those that need them the most and that includes me!
Good for you! You’re welcome!
The hatred and animosity that he’s thrown at me since I’ve left are proof enough for me. The narcissistic so-and-so never loved me and never would’ve loved me. I refuse to shed any more tears; despite my still broken heart. I wasted twenty-two years trying to “fix” our marriage and I am still asking God why that had to be. I have not ,however, lost faith in my loving Father. He had his reasons and they may or may not be revealed to me. All I can do now is to shape my life by the future; and do my best to lose the past. It’s one year today that I left and it was the very best thing I could’ve done; given the situation. Blessings.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I’m 14 years in the grips of being married to a narcissist. From the beginning, I knew something was off, but I just thought he had super high expectations if me and that I’d have to work harder to measure up to his standards. The stonewalling, silent treatment, and gaslighting…it was all there from the beginning, but I had no idea it was narcissism. I have gradually regained my independence by going back to teaching again, branching out and doing things with friends, and thinking for myself. I moved 5 states away to be with him. My family is so supportive from a distance and they have seen what he’s done to me emotionally and really dislike him for it. I got myself into this and I’m going to have to be strong enough to get out.
That’s my story exactly. It gets so confusing at times, knowing how to feel about it all. Thank you for sharing.
You’re welcome!
Everything Gail & Jenny has mentioned is exactly my story, I too am frustrated to have wasted so many years (26) trying to fix my marriage .Forgiving myself is going to take some time . I am in the process of divorce and am trying to prepare myself as he has already started his shenanigans. I am however excited for my future and am slowly beginning to heal my heart .
I have spent the last 6 years trying to fix a 30 year marriage. I too wonder why it had to be this long, why I did not leave before??? He instilled fear in me at every turn hoping that I would not have the courage to leave. He was very manipulative, controlling, and always blame shifted. His Mother was used in triangulation, always. Well, she died 2 1/2 years ago, and now EVERYTHING is my fault. But thanks to God I am smarter and more sure of myself than I have been in 30 years. Our children are grown, although the oldest is still at home with a part time job. She has been in counseling for almost 5 years due to anxiety, depression, and PTSD, from living with a Narcissist father. This will be the year I leave once and forever. Thank you so much for posting this article. You are helping so many women to see the truth!!
You’re welcome! I pray for your journey out. We are here for you!
This question: Did he ever love me? I’ve grappled with this question for the past four years. Almost five years ago, I caught my now ex-husband out on a date with a just days divorce former ho-worker. Two months after catching him out on a date with his “friend”, he dumped me because of my “trust issues”. He secretly started dating her while we were still married and then about eight months after our divorce was final, he brought her out of the closet to our children and introduced them to his “girlfriend”; pretending like they just started dating. Thankfully two years prior I said to my kids in front of their dad, “If your dad ever introduces Jane Doe to you as his girlfriend. This is the woman he’s having an affair with”. At the time he said I was “crazy” and no he wasn’t having an affair. He just “needed to get out of this marriage!!” He’s now married to his “friend”. The jokes on her. She thinks he’s this honest and faithful Christian man. He’s not. He’s just the opposite. She wanted him and he’s all hers now. And no, I do not feel sorry or pity for her. She was going out for coffee and lunch dates my now ex-husband for eight years before their late night drinks date. And she did this while she was married. And I never knew this while it was happening and I’m sure her husband at the time didn’t know either. They deserve each other.
And this was what our entire relationship and marriage was like. Crazy-making! It was like being on a rollercoaster. And at one point, even before we were engaged. I remember writing in a card to him that our relationship was like being on a rollercoaster. I had no idea at all that wasn’t normal or healthy. I truly thought he loved me, because he said he did. And in the beginning of our relationship, he poured out all the love languages, just like you wrote about. And then he’d pull them away. Back and forth and up and down. Repeat. I can look back and remember hundreds, if not thousands of memories that would point out that we were in love and I thought he truly loved me. But then there are all those other times, which proved that he didn’t. And that doesn’t mean I’m unlovable. I was a great wife and mom. Not perfect, but I tried really hard to make him happy and for him to come home to a peaceful, clean, organized and loving home. The only person he truly cares about is himself and he emotionally manipulates others to get his needs met. And all the time I nicely asked for my needs to be met, I got met with hostility or defensiveness or aggression or the line “I can do anything right to please you!” He did not like me having any needs at all! “Just keep doing all the work, Jenny(me), and I’ll keep loving you”. “Keep your needs very small, Jenny(me), and I’ll keep loving you.” Say nothing about all my female friends, Jenny(me), and I’ll keep loving you.” He never said any of those things, but that’s how he trained me to be and act based on how he treated me. This is not love! So, he never loved me. He cheated on me from the very beginning (denied it of course). You don’t cheat on someone you love. A man that cheats on his wife when she is pregnant and you also have a beautiful one year old son together — he doesn’t love you. I could go on and on with stories to prove this was never love. It wasn’t a relationship. It was a manipulationship! Him manipulating me to get all his needs met. I’m okay with saying he never loved me. That says a lot about him and who he is. I can easily say he doesn’t love our children. He uses them for impression management. Any dad who would knowingly take their children on a trail that people were leaving, because a grizzly bear was seen walking on it just a few minutes before. This is a dad who doesn’t love his kids. A dad would want to protect his kids from bears and not go onto a trail so he could take a video of the bear walking towards them as dad is walking backwards and videotaping the bear walking towards dad and the kids. And then he came home from the trip and showed anyone who would watch his videotape of the bear following him on the trail. This is a narc looking for attention! Dads who love their kids don’t hurt their kids mom! No, this isn’t love at all. Love doesn’t hurt.
Exactly! Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes the woman who gets involved with one of these men doesn’t know about his primary commitment (wife or long term girlfriend). Remember they lie and manipulate to get what they want, no matter who they hurt. That happened to me. I was 23, fresh out of college, fell in love with a 32 year old. Body and soul, the way you only can at that age, with no defenses. We’d been sleeping together for 4 months, I’d been to his place. Then I found out it wasn’t just HIS place, he was living with his girlfriend. He must have hid all her stuff. When I found out from a third party, they said he was “trying to leave.” I confronted him and he said he was unhappy but to give him time, because there was “property involved.” Long, torturous 5 years ensued in which he married her and didn’t tell me, got her pregnant and didn’t tell me . .. that was the last straw as I felt so humiliated I somehow found the strength to end it although I was addicted to him. Fast forward more than 10 years, around my 40th birthday he calls me and tells me he made a mistake, he really loved me all along, can we try again. That hes divorced (yes, he was actually divorced). I blew him off twice that decade. I didn’t feel it anymore. Then, in my 50s, he shows up at my mom’s funeral. Gave me a big hug. I was weak. We were both single. Now, 4 years later, he’s lying to me, leaving me alone on bed to go hang out with his ex wife and telling me it’s a guy friend. Total lies, going to great lengths to gaslight me. I’m tired and old and heartbroken and leaving him this time is no less painful than it was the first time. 💔 I understand as wives and girlfriends you have a tendency to demonize the “other woman” and make her one dimensional, somehow just a prop in the narcissist game. But we are not. Many of us did not learn of your existence until we were so far gone emotionally, in love, in thrall, being lied to, that we allowed ourselves also to delude ourselves, to hold onto some great romantic investment that shattered our lives, stole our self respect, and made us mere shadows of the women we could have been. At least you guys got kids, marriages, shares expenses out if it. Try to have some empathy even if your narc doesn’t. Because speaking for myself, I do have empathy for his ex wife who is clearly also still in love with him.
Yes, thank God for the woman that steals the burden of a narsiss man. Churches have a few hiding in plain sight. I still do not trust myself, so I pray. Thank you for your insights.
You’re welcome!
Surprisingly, I thought my narc ex husband loved me for the 22 years we were together. That is, I believed it until I learned about narcissism — and then the entire relationship made finally made sense. At that point, I had to accept that he likely never loved me. Because he was incapable. I only felt loved because he was simply there (around) and he uttered the words, “I love you,” after I expressed my love to him. Now I know that love is a verb. And repeatedly cheating on me, constantly lying, putting me down, stonewalling me and gaslighting me wasn’t love!
Yes, some narcissists are really good at saying the words (often even) but their actions never back up the claim.
Just filed after 30 years of marriage. Found out two years ago that he cheated on me for 20 of those years …and he had a second family with a (then) 7 year old son. Finally couldn’t take it and filed. Oh….the narcissist raises his ugly head even more. Praying fervently and trusting God day by day. Fortunate to have a supportive church family.
Thank you, Jen! I come here every day!
Glad to have you here every day! Thanks for joining the discussion. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. But I hope you know that you WILL survive.
I’m so curious because… I’ve left a narcissist who is in a relentless pursuit to win me back but so far I’m holding my ground. I want to know… these people… my ex has the most loving parents, the most loving family… narcissists aren’t instant narcissists… how does one become this way? Everyone describes what they are but not how they become that way.
I just talked about that on my YouTube channel – why an ex comes back (for more supply).
To answer your question, it’s really unknown where narcissism comes from, whether it’s biological, environmental or both. I believe it’s a combination of both. NPD is a personality disorder so it’s not always the parents’ fault (but enabling calling it “be loving” would be). Brain scans often show the frontal lobe is not fully developed or there are gray areas in that part of the brain (meaning it died). Another cause could be something that happens during a pivotal point in the person’s early development – could even be sexual abuse, abandonment by a key person in the narcissist’s life, a head injury, or drug use that kills parts of the brain that contribute to NPD. Unless a person with NPD is willing to dig deep into why they are narcissistic, then many of us will never know why they are the way they are. Most narcissists blame everyone else, so they’re not going to seek help for “their problems” – unless that means how to change and/or control someone else.
Hi Jen ,
I have been married for 18 years . Up until last year I didnt even no about a narrissit. Last year I started to do research and realized this was my life. My husband is a narrissit. He lies about everything , cheated on me more then I can count, he has disrespected me in everyway possible. He has no remorse, no empathy, he acts like he does no wrong…he will lie right to my face til I prove him wrong then only then will he admit truth…My husband has broken me into so many pieces and low self estem. He hurt me so much with the cheating making me feel Im not good enough that I’m not important. I feel like crawling in hole never come out… ..There are times when I say enough is enough and I want out but financially I can’t he knows that. Its sad cause I feel like a part of me loves him but the other part hates him for what he has done. I feel like like why should I leave and suffer more and yet he won’t at all, its like the abuser wins either way…I feel like he has ruined my life, ruined me….I dont have the strength anymore ….y am I stupid?
You are not stupid at all, Lori. If you are, we all are. We were naive. Didn’t know there was a such personality as a narcissist. We thought it was immature maybe, but he’d grow up. Narcissists don’t grow up. They are child-like selfish, self-centered adults, just looking for someone to love and take care of them. We as caretakers do just that and fall into their web. That’s why I wrote an article on iBelieve.com and recorded a video sharing the 7 reasons why it’s so hard to divorce a narcissist. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK2y2vCbN-U
I have just come out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist, I can so relate to all the comments from the cheating, lying the roller coaster, everytime I tried leaving he would bombard me with texts, calls turning up at my house, until I took him back, telling me how much he loved me and missed me and we could sort it out, it would last a couple of weeks before he was back round another woman’s house..all the time telling me and everyone he met how much he loved me, he would take me out and then demand that I paid, he never put into the house, he would scream in my face and call me names, mentally he completely broke me as my love for him was totally genuine, I am only just starting to realise and believe that his love was only for what I could do for him, I had to call the police in the end to get him to leave me alone and even now he is still telling my friends how much he loves and misses me, but he is with this other woman it’s one big head f**k, mentally as it has left me with ptsd panic and anxiety attacks, depression, I am slowly starting to feel a little better, but I have to ride out the bad days…the sad thing is I still miss the good bits I had with him…
I’ve been in a relationship for over 6 yrs. The past 2 yrs he has really shown his narcissism. I’ve been trying to leave him for 2 weeks. I struggled with why he was doing what he was doing. I wanted to understand, I needed to understand. Thanks to your article, I get it 100%. He shows 5 out of the 9 signs. I’m afraid of what will happen when he finds out that I have been seeing someone.
Shannon, you might want to work on yourself before getting into another relationship. We tend to date the same types of people over and over until we figure out why we’re attracted to them. Also, I wouldn’t tell the narcissist you’re dating someone else. That could put you in a dangerous situation or it could cause him to try to manipulate you and to get you to win back by love-bombing you again.
Your posts are all too familiar. I’m detoxing from an 11 yr. marriage to a narcissist (and alcoholic). It was quite the roller coaster.
There came a time when there was a tipping point, and I knew I had to save myself. What really helped was my therapist telling me “YOU MATTER”. Over the years, I came to believe my thoughts, feelings, and opinions didn’t matter. But they do!!
Don’t lose yourself, ladies. Fight for yourselves, no matter how hard it is. It’s the hardest thing I’ve done do stick to my decision to divorce him, and I’ve never been happier.
I have been in a relationship with my husband for 27 years. Married for 22 of those. I’ve gone through the blaming him but now I have awakened to face myself. I’m beginning to ask for forgiveness as I didn’t love myself enough to put a stop to this mess when it first began. Ruined holidays, silent treatment, no affection, only to name a few have become too overwhelming.
Is he a narcissist? How do I leave? He is who he is but now the question becomes can I deal with it. I’m sick to my stomach.