You never get over your emotional baggage but you can learn to let it go. – Unknown
[Did you read part one (Three in a Marriage) and part two (Real Life Pain that Follows) in this Betrayal Trauma series? Feel free to catch up now.]
Three months pregnant with my third child, I was released from the hospital just as my friend Stacey and her three children pulled up to take me home. Her house was on the way to mine so we stopped to drop her kids with her husband. After we arrived at my place, she asked where the garbage bags were, the big black ones that hold lots of junk, she said.
She had been there with me when I found out I was pregnant and she was trying to be there for me now the best she knew how. She was the authoritative, leader, tell-it-like-it-is type. She told me to point to his clothes. Then she proceeded to fill two black bags and place them by the back door while I rested in bed. Part of me wanted to tell her to stop, but my brain knew it was what I should’ve done weeks before when I found out about her (the first AP/OW).
Then she called him! I told him his things were by the back door and needed to be picked up ASAP, or it would go out with the garbage. It seemed so harsh to me at the time… but now, after years of healing and learning healthy emotional boundaries it would be exactly what I’d do. I wish I had been that strong of a woman. But I was weak and didn’t want to walk through my grief alone. I wanted to believe that he would change and that we’d face this betrayal together… and be a stronger couple for it.
I wonder how my life would look today if I had not believed the lies and tears. It took me much too long to learn… actions speak WAY louder than words.
Now I understand, the best apology is changed behavior… not three little words.
[You may also enjoy: When an Ex Says He’s Changed and Will Go to Marriage Counseling – YouTube video]
Permission to grieve, however that looks for you.
I’ve lived most of my life being told that my grieving was not supposed to be seen by others. This meant that when those feelings eventually did come out (because emotions usually won’t stay bottled up forever) they came out in unhealthy ways, and took a toll on my physical health.
While working through my own divorce recovery, I’ve learned that my feelings and emotions need to be shared with others in order to help me process through them, learn to heal, and then let go of the baggage.
Grief is a normal and natural process to move from despair pain to healing. We must move through each and every feeling and emotion (the real-life pain) in order to heal. The trauma of betrayal is just another layer of divorce destruction that we need to get through in our own unique timing.
Moving through those layers looks different for each of us… and that’s okay!
Give yourself permission to take as long as you need to take… and for it to look however it needs to look for you. Because your healing is important for you and for your future.
Don’t let anyone, including me, tell you otherwise!
Forgive yourself. Let it go.
I’ve had to forgive myself for allowing myself to be violated and betrayed over and over again. For trusting him (which was always put over my head as a threat for him to leave again if I didn’t just trust – because I was told trust and forgiveness go hand and hand – which is not true) when his actions and attitude said something different.
I had to forgive myself for not trusting my own gut feelings and for not knowing that in the end, this is how it would turn out anyway (may have been much easier after AP #1).
I had to forgive myself for my lack of psychological abuse wisdom and missing the red flags that I only learned after reading many books about abuse, watching YouTube videos and spending many hours with an abuse recovery counselor.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”A good heart often misses what an evil heart is trying to hide!” tweet=”A good heart often misses what an evil heart is trying to hide!”]
We all have to forgive ourselves for what we didn’t know then and believing the lies. We trust people. That’s what Christians are told to do. People can be evil and deceitful. That’s doesn’t make it our fault just because we didn’t know and we believed a liar. Most people do until they find out the truth. Forgive yourself for not seeing it then.
Forgive yourself if this wasn’t the first time he lied or cheated and you still believed him anyway. We don’t want to believe that people would be so deceptive and continue to lie after what seemed like real tears of repentance… even from those who go to church. But they do… and he did.
It happened and now you know… get educated… so you can gain wisdom and let go of that baggage of regret!
Don’t take the blame.
I’m not sure why in this day of computers and tons of useful information on the internet that I can still hear people saying, Well if she had only kept him happy in the bedroom… then…
Stop right there!
You’re just allowing the abuser/adulterer to further blame his victims for his cheating character (like I talked about in Part One) when even thinking like that. The abuser tries to blame his infidelity on his victim and/or the other woman and he doesn’t need your help.
Or worse… he denies it ever happened (gaslighting is psychological abuse). A healthy individual inside marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage from allowing anyone else in. An unhealthy/abusive adulterer doesn’t have boundaries and only protects himself.
Don’t listen to anyone who tries to blame you or your lack of anything. Don’t allow what others say to make you feel you should accept any blame. It doesn’t help your healing to think you could have done something or changed something about yourself (to make you more acceptable) to stop his infidelity.
We can only control ourselves. He made the choice. And being sorry for his betrayal is not enough. He has to take the blame and then repent. Those who don’t repent will continue… now and in the future.
At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person. – Unknown
Reclaim your self-worth. Know to Whom you belong.
The character of the adulterer is what caused this, not you personally, so don’t let this define you. This act only defines him and his character.
You’re worth so much more than how you were treated or what happened to you. Don’t be that woman who is willing to sit on the sidelines and wait for him to decide if he’s going to be with you or with her. (Trust me… I’ve been there to only be discarded again and again for “someone better” – which is not true.)
Allow time with God so that you can be reminded of your worth (who God says you are – FREE printable included) and to Whom you have always belonged. A godly man would have known your worth and never committed this act of betrayal. A narcissistic man will make excuses and blame.
He wants you to keep focusing on him and how you will fix the “marriage problem.”
But God wants you to put HIM back at the center of your life and trust Him with your future. He has so much better planned for you… you just have to keep the faith and remind yourself that with God there is always hope.
[You may also like: When God Takes You Back! – YouTube video]
Avoid and remove triggers.
A trigger is anything that sets you off emotionally and activates memories of your trauma. It’s particular to you and what your experience has been. Triggered, we revert to the feelings and behaviors we had in the traumatizing situation. – Unknown
Like I talked about in Part Two, especially at first, I avoided places I knew he had been with her (and the others) while we were still married (contrary to pop culture and modern practice, dating while legally married is adultery). I’ve recently started feeling more confident to face those betrayal triggers, years later. What used to hurt me and remind me doesn’t bother me as much or at all anymore.
But we all have permission, as a part of our own unique healing process, to decide what triggers we’re ready to face, when, and if ever at all.
If the betrayal trigger is an item, get rid of it if and when you can. I believe your home should be a safe haven of peace so if something inside of your home is setting you off emotionally and bringing up memories of the trauma, then rid your safe haven of that item to help you reclaim your healing… and let go of that baggage.
Keep moving forward. New life ahead.
I promise you that this pain you’re feeling, you won’t carry it with you forever. As you keep putting one foot in front of the other… the waves of intense feelings will start to diminish with each passing day.
Allowing yourself time to grieve and work through the pain will give you a better future for yourself, your relationship with God, and any relationship you have in the future.
There may always be a scar from this betrayal trauma but you will have healed a ton of the pain.
This is not an ending… but a whole new beginning.
Where are you going to allow God to take you on this journey to healing?
How are you working through the betrayal trauma healing process? We all have been given wisdom from our scars. Share your wisdom with others who are coming through this trial after you. 🙂
God bless this tough journey to healing after betrayal,
Book Recommendations:
Thank you for your comment on forgiveness and trust not necessarily going hand in hand. I have tried to explain to people, that, in my mind, I would be dumb to just allow someone, who went out of their way to hurt me, back into my life. The replies I get usually tell me, “You need to be the bigger person, you haven’t forgiven if you think that.” I disagree. I want to obey the Lord and not carry my ex around, like emotional baggage. So, I have forgiven and refuse to take it back. But I keep my boundaries in place and refuse to deal with his games. thank you, Jen!
Good for you Jen! Yes, exactly! I didn’t talk more about forgiveness in this post because I have the rest of that reserved from another post. Plus this one was long enough.
But that is a great point to point out. Forgiveness is what WE do. Rebuilding trust is what THEY do. If they’re not willing, then we’re not required to just blanketly trust. Luke 17 comes to mind… and will be part of my post on forgiveness. 🙂
Totally agree Jen three of my children have experienced this , two with sociapaths and daughter with a narcissist, I had to educate myself over two years and pray for breakthroughs and insight on how to help them through this terrible devastation, thank you for your writings we related to everything you said bless your continued work from god x x
Thank you, Elaine, for your kind words! And you’re welcome!
I spent the first 10 months of my mess with my husband of 33 years trying to convince me that he didn’t have an affair with a woman he worked with. He was self employed at the time and did work with her.
There is really a lot of circumstantial evidence that would take up so much time telling you about but I will just say that it’s just ridiculous but just to hard to believe just coincidence. He swore to me for 10 solid months as things came out that his biggest mistake was lying to me and not treating me right. He has Never hit me or I would be gone!
So, after 10 months of junk coming out and him apologizing to me and in front of our kids and the biggest heart ache I could imagine, I discovered a year ago that he was hiding our entire savings! That was the only thing I hadn’t checked but I finally did one day.
I looked at our savings statement and saw he had been making huge withdrawals. I called him out on it. He tried to tell me he had paid bills with it. He had started before I even knew about the possible affair and had continued hiding money the entire time trying to convince me there was no affair. I was livid and demanded the truth! He asked to go on a walk with me and told me that he had been putting money aside for a new air conditioner and he would show me the money. I called him out on that too as he and I had just discussed how we were going to pay for that. We are practically debt free and I’m not a spender.
I left the house for a bit that night and shared with a good friend what was happening. I came home and he showed me twelve thousand. I knew there was more. He was self employed and took our youngest son to work with him that day. He had just graduated high school. As soon as they left, I went to look for the money and bank statements as I was going to make copies of them all and they were gone. He had taken the money and bank statements.
I finally had more than circumstantial evidence. I packed my clothes in garbage bags, hid them in the woods down the street and lied through my teeth when my young adult daughter came home from her job at noon. Drove down the street, got my bags, went to the bank and withdrew four thousand left in account. Left five hundred. I knew he had more.
Went to Walmart and bought myself a cellphone because he and I shared one. Went to my friends who helped me check into a hotel and settled in. I didn’t check my messages on pm Facebook until 11 that night. I had some really ticked off adult children and very hurt younger adult ones. I answered them the best I could and assured them I was okay. I also told my older ones that their dad needed to tell them the truth about the money and he needed too!
I didn’t talk to my husband for three days. He was devestated that I left! He met with a friend from church on the third day and told him some but not all. The first time I talked to him on the phone, I literally had a panic attack! I went to stay with my friend. Parked in her garage with no windows. He didn’t know where I was. I asked if he could drop some things off for me and she would get them to me. He dropped them off at her house and had bought me brand new of everything I asked. He was sobbing and apologized to my friend who was our family friend and I heard it all through a closed door.
I stayed gone for two weeks and talked on the phone with all of them and came to our house a couple of times to visit with the kids and met him one night for dinner. He showed me all of the money! Confessed some things to me that he hadn’t told me before . He told me he had been looking at porn. Pictures only and that it had gripped him and he felt so guilty. I had caught him one night in the laundry room on his phone. He jumped..
I came home because our youngest son who had graduated was going on a little missions trip with the youth group and I was going with him for six days. That had been planned for months and we made the decision we would still go. He told me we would find another counselor when I got back. Remember, the first two were disasters. He did meet with our pastor while we were gone and asked for a counselor recommendation and our pastor didn’t know of one. I found that odd. Our pastor is not a counselor.
Son and I had a great trip. We get home and start back with life. Husband admits he won’t go back to counseling. Says he’s told me everything! Confessed everything! He has literally spent the last year convincing me he wants our marriage! Groveled, begged forgiveness but swears no affair)
We left that church. There was drama happening there before this happened with us and we were trying to hang in there. I had actually gone to two people in leadership and begged for someone to call my husband and not one phone call. I told them my marriage was in trouble and they were shocked. I have no details but pleaded. You can imagine the gossip when I left him. Actually kept going there for a few weeks when we came back home from youth trip but left a few weeks later.
He has gone back to the good company he worked for before the economy crash. They asked him and he accepted. Even when he was self employed, we did okay financially. We are back at a church that we went to 17 years ago. It’s a really good one and I’ve told nobody this mess.
He says it was pride that made him hide the money. He was so ashamed over looking at porn pictures that he was going to leave me! When he told me that, I was never so shocked in all my life!! He told me he couldn’t do that to our kids because it’s what his dad did. Although his dad did get custody of four minor kids and raised them to adulthood. I’ve told him several times we still need counseling!
He just won’t go. I’m sure telling all of this again would be to much for him. I told him the only reason I know that a man would hide that kind of money would be if he was going to leave with another woman. Our home is payed off, we have income coming in from a rental home every month.
I personally think an affair happened. Someone ended it. I don’t have any reason to think it’s continuing. He knows how bad it all looked but swears no affair. I’ve caught him lying about some things in the last year. He threw out his work ledgers from when he did work for her. He keeps immaculate records but I was beginning to suspect he had worked some jobs for her specifically and checked her work page and it could have been that he worked for her individual company. Ledgers disappeared. He threw them out and has apologized. A couple of other things.
I’m almost finished… thankyou for listening…
He did take me somewhere last year for our Anniversary. For six days. We had long talks and really a lovely time. The year before… we went knowwhere. He kept putting it off. That is when the affair would have been happening. We are going away for a few days this Anniversary. It will be 35 years!
He has worked hard in the last year to convince me how sorry he is and still swears no affair! I do have triggers. Sometimes I let him know, sometimes I don’t.
She and I apparently get our hair done at the same place. She lives 6 miles from me. I was in the waiting room at hair salon one day and this woman came out of the back room with foils in her hair and went to leave but made a joke to the ladies in the waiting room and walked out the door. It hit me about 30 seconds later it was her Yes, I have never met her but know about her as she puts everything on Facebook. I knew she would put up a selfie with hair done. Checked a couple of days later and she had put up on the day at the salon…. a post about these personal trainers she knows and these pictures of the transformation of this person… not her and then said something like…. Just start somewhere and the difference it would make!
She’s a work out queen and nine years younger than me. I thought it was odd but probably not coincidental. She did put up her hair picture a few days later. She really loves herself… lol
I really try not to look at her stuff often but I do keep tabs on her. Anyway, right before Christmas, I’m driving up that way and I see her pull out of her neighborhood and I realize we are about to pass each other very slowly in a very slow school zone. I’m in the very distinct work truck that my husband drove when working with her. I didn’t look directly at her but I know she saw me too. When I checked a few days later, she had put up a post and shared a you tube video of a song. Here is what she wrote… While looking for Christmas music I ran across this song I heard while looking for Christmas music. Ha! The memories…. What fun!!
I clicked off her page and went on you tube and listened. It’s a song by Robert Palmer. I think from the 80’s and Not a Christmas song. It’s a song about Sex! In the Summer!! Even talks about positions!! I went back on her page to check and sure enough she put it up on the day we saw each other!! I don’t think it was a coincidence honestly! I think it was calculated!!
Honestly- why would a Christian woman put up a song like that and say that when she’s looking for Christmas music? On the same day?
It took me two weeks to tell my husband but I did! He sobbed and told me how sorry he was but still swore no affair!! I could really tell he was truly sorry.
Life is busy. Did I also mention that my brother commuted suicide last summer? Drug issues for years. So, life moves on and forward.
I noticed every now and then she shares pictures from jobs my husband worked on. She also officially opened her own office in Nov. She’s a designer. I really wasn’t dwelling on the old jobs photos until that darn song went up!
A couple of months ago she puts up a movie recommendation. She says kind of a sweet story about family. Recommends it. I click on.
It’s a story about this family who lived off the grid. Who homeschooled six kids. The mom was bipolar and killed herself. The dad fights to keep them. It’s a bizarre movie and Rated R.
Did I mention that we homeschooled and have six kids? I am not bipolar and will not be killing myself. So bizarre!
She has preached three times in the last year in her church. We know the Pastor who started this little church. Small world….. uggg
I have listened to all three. She throws in a little scripture but is new agey. She is really hung up on no matter what you’ve done, that God knows it all and no longer holds it against you tads tads! I really don’t dwell on her . So she just preached again. She actually goes to this young pastor and asks if she can share the message the Lord is giving her. He lets her. Two weeks ago she preached again. I listened to the video on his church page and commented underneath ” new age”.
Of course the pastor saw it and asked why I thought that. I wrote him privately. I told him that no where in scripture does it say that we have the power to raise the dead to life by laying our hands on them. ( yes she preached that along with a couple of other odd new age things). That was the only one I mentioned.. That was only for Jesus and the apostles at the time.
My husband knows I made that comment on what she preached. Of course he says they are all weird. I didn’t tell him that I answered privately to the pastor.
Here is my point after all of this…
My husband won’t ever go back to counseling. We go to church still but he is no where near the man he was spiritually. I do believe he really wants our marriage. He treats me well.
My problem, I don’t have answers for the money. His answer doesn’t make sense. I have and know about all finances and it’s all accounted for!
I am strong in the Lord who helps me everyday. We still have three young adult kids who live here. Of course they love him and think all is healing and normal because I’m nice and don’t harp. They knew what this is about but of course he has apologized. They all work full time. I’m still a stay at home wife and mom.
Some days I just feel like I can’t deal with the deception of it all and just want to leave him and then I have days that I’m willing to move forward and trust God with all of this! Thanks for the listening!
Hi SH! I will not tell anyone to leave their husband so I can’t tell you what to do. I personally coach a couple women who choose to stay (helping them to stay well). But I do offer you my prayers and concern. As the years go by it makes it harder and harder to leave… that I totally understand and why I allowed myself to be betrayed so many times.
Have you read any of Lundy Bancroft’s books? His book “Why Does He Do That?” helped me to really understand the psychological abuse and crazy-making that I was dealing with, which often goes unnoticed from the untrained eye (which was me). He is a therapist for male batterers (and not just of the physical kind) and has been an expert in the field of domestic violence for 30 years.
Although I haven’t read it, Lundy’s book, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” (affiliate link to Amazon – http://amzn.to/2hrTS5G -) comes highly recommended for those who wonder if they are being abused psychologically or where to draw the line. The library might have it if you’re unable to order it without him knowing if you need to. Or you could buy the Kindle version. I had several books on my Kindle that I was reading towards the end of my marriage.
I pray God gives you the wisdom to know what to do. Thanks again for stopping by and come back at any time!
My situation is a little different. I was in an emotional abusive relationship from 13 and in my marriage to the same man. We have 5kids together. When my husband got a new job that was a swing shift he became more abusive and felt we didn\’t respect his sleep. Which he ended up shooting a gun with blanks to Shut us up. I became depressed and I\’m not excusing my actions but I talked to a married man from church about my problems. My daughter a junior in high school worked for him and we formed a friendship, not only me but my daughter also. He prayed for Us and gave us hugs.my daughter was emotionally attached and so was I. With me it got from friends to text to sex. I never knew I would ever do this to my marriage. It only lasted a few months until he finally ended it. To this day I feel we my daughter and I because we were vulnerable that man was preying on us. When God woke me up I confessed to God but I was not at peace. 2years past and I felt led to confess to my husband. The first thing he did after he went to the mans house to yell at him was hug me. I thought that was strange. We were already going to counseling for the problems we had from having protective orders I ended up confessing to the counselor. Instead if helping us this made things worse at home. He would yell I need to summit and call me a whore and want me to relive the adultery .he poked my eye that I had to go to the er nd my eye was bruised and all the while he said it was an accident. I felt I deserved it because I cheated. Also when I told him he told me that he had sex with my made of honor when we were engaged. He spent the night with another woman he picked up a prostitute when we were married and he was involved in pornography, which u knew about the pornography, so I had a lot to process. But all the while I was the wrong one the unfaithful one. Even now I have trouble with what I did .I did have a second protective order on him but took it off because of my guilt. I ended up living with my sister for two years because he blamed my Adultery on my mortgage going in foreclosure. I moved back home after that and third year I took him back after being separated. Things got even worse. And even though it had been5 years when I committed adultery I was still blamed even though he was on a dating site and dated 3 woman the time we were apart. He ended up leaving because I ignored him for a year. And it only gook 5 months to get a girlfriend that he took to church and was accepted by all even though we are not divorced. Me I have no desire to go down that wicked dark path of depression and guilt and despair. God has forgiven me. The irony is my husband would always tell me I don\’t forgive myself when he is the one not letting by not forgiving me.
I’m sorry for the abuse that you’ve experienced. Often the abuse is much worse after adultery (done by either party – I’ve walked with many women who’ve been in both positions). Repentence is turning from that sin and not doing it again. I believe you won’t ever fall prey to these types of men, especially if you’re working on your healing, finding your worth in God, and learning the difference between healthy and dysfunction. Glad to have you along on this journey to healing. Thank you very much for being brave and transparent to share your story!! Someone else needs to hear exact what you shared. Others have been there too.
Although this 3 part blog is about adulterous husbands the same holds true for adulterous wives. I have read the 3 part serious as well as some of the stories shared by multiple wives. Well I am a betrayed Husband with 4 teenage children (Boy @ 19 and 3 girls @ 17, 15 and 13). For myself I can relate to all of the stories.
My wife went on a faithful mission to build some homes in Peru for very needy families. They were amongst a group of 60 people on this mission. This is where the introduction happened.and even my son and his friend befriended the person who would become my wife’s affair partner (AP).
When they returned my wife had asked if we could have another set of friends and I agreed without any reserve at all as they were also a married couple. Although we are living through the pandemic of COVID-19 we were allowed back yard gatherings back in June of 2020. This couple came over for a backyard dinner and we went over to their backyard with our 3 daughters on a couple of occasions as well. What I did not know at that time was that his wife had suspected he was cheating on her again (2nd time in 8 years) but just couldn’t believe it would be with my wife of 25 years (in June). His wife finally mustered up the courage to reach out to me. I then found out that my own girls suspected something was going on and this forced me to call out my wife in mid July and I asked her what was going on. Well that night I got a very well practiced speech of how she loved me but wasn’t in love with me, asked if I believed In soul mates (which I do not as this is reserved for God) and continued to tell me that we should never have gotten married and that this evil AP was her soul mate and that he understands her and that she has feelings that she has never felt before…..blah, blah, blah. All she wants me to do is find the same from someone else. I also got the “ I am 51 years old and deserve to be happy for the rest of my days”.
She continued her affair daily and came home as if everything was just fine and ok that she had the boyfriend, husband and 4 teens. The mental abuse and anxiety this caused to me and the kids was detestation and unhealthy. Although she knew my will to seek proper support and faithful counselling it was not her will. I asked her to leave the house in early September because I just couldn’t function with the blatant abuse anymore. Even the kids told me she needed to leave! I very well knew she had nowhere to go. She hasn’t seen her parents or spoken to them or her brother since confronting them with this news last August. We are a faithful Catholic family who understand the vows which were taken in the witness of God so finding any support to continue her fantasy just isn’t available to her. Our friend group is also torn because of what she is doing. Nobody accepts her AP because he tried befriending me and the kids, yet is in the process of divorcing his wife so he can have mine and doesn’t care that he is devastating the lives of 4 children (he doesn’t have any with his wife).
My wife finally moved out Nov 1st and this has made a huge change for life within the home. The emotional abuse has come to an end. I told her she is no longer welcome in the house so when the kids decide to visit with her she is to wait fir them in the car. It makes it much easier on me not to see her nor hear her voice. I also will not be her friend during any period of time where the betrayal remains. I will not empower her in an affair, I will focus on empowering myself to be strong for my kids and myself (I have custody of all 4 kids because this is what they want). My life and that of my family is no longer of concern to her. Her behaviour and actions are clear and do come with consequence even though she feels things should be normal and acceptable (Deplorable and disgusting).
Thank you for allowing my story from the eyes of a Betrayed Husband and thank you for sharing your 3 part story and the stories of so many others.