How do I stop thinking about him?
How do I get him out of my mind and my heart?
Will I ever get over my ex-husband?
When will this get easier?
Will I ever find love again?
These and other similar questions are what I get asked on a daily basis. Feelings that seem to keep us tied to our ex-husband or what we thought we had, with seemingly no way out.
I also get asked when can someone start dating or “casually seeing” someone after divorce. In my experience, I don’t think you should date until you’ve worked through these thoughts and feelings, untangled from your ex-husband.
It was only when I learned that the physical, emotional, and spiritual tangling with my past was baggage, bondage and not healthy, did I find ways to break free and reclaim my life after divorce.
Physical and financial separation.
Most of us understand the physical separation (I know not all of you are even there yet) between a divorcing couple. He leaves the home, takes his stuff and you keep the rest (or conversely). But there also needs to be complete financial separation, as well. We do experience financial hardships and sometimes financial abuse, I totally understand that. But reclaiming and rebuilding our lives after divorce also breaks the bondage of dependence. We need only to depend on God.
I’m not there yet myself, so no judgment from me. But I know those who are, say how much freedom they feel about their lives. They learned to live beneath their means, paid off debt (especially joint debt), started saving for the future, and now pay cash for everything. Whether your kids are one or eighteen, I think this is a smart way to live. Depending on your ex-husband to survive after divorce, keeps you in bondage to him until that ends.
Not there yet either? All we can do is keep working on it, day by day. I’m here to support and encourage you while walking with you.
Break free from the emotional bondage.
I had someone comment on a YouTube video after I stated, “unhealthy people are drawn to unhealthy people.” She asked if I really wanted to say that. Yes, I do. In order to see dysfunctional behaviors and manipulation for what they are, we need to identify the differences between healthy and unhealthy people and their behaviors.
Were we targeted by an abuser? Maybe, yes! I believe that could be the case as well. But in order to see past any fake facade, we need to be healthy ourselves. Without seeing the distinction between the two we may see manipulation and other abusive tactics as “normal.” I know I did!
After you learn to be healthy and have healthy relationships, you need to respect yourself to bring up your standards. Don’t lower yourself to fit in with anyone else, their way of thinking or behaving, especially your ex-husband, but rise up to a new level where you’re treated like the human being that you are, created in God’s image, living for a purpose, as a gift to those around you. Not self-righteous but God-righteous!
As I stated in my book, the Israelites were in bondage to their lives in Egypt. Why? Because they thought that was all they deserved. It was what they were used to and they didn’t know better. Break free from that bondage and learn better! God has so much better planned for you, you just have to untangle from what you’ve accepted in the past.
In that wonderful day when the Lord gives his people rest from sorrow and fear, from slavery and chains. – Isaiah 14:3 NLT
No longer two but one – the Spiritual bondage.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NLT
Ouch! That seems painful right now, I know. But this is the verse that keeps so many women tangled and trapped in an abusive marriage.
And this is the painful part for most divorcing or divorced Christians. If you were married to an adulterer, an abuser, an addict, and/or narcissist, you may know that you did everything you could to save your marriage, but he still continued on his same path, so you’re physically and emotionally divorced. But the spiritual aspects still remain. (And just marrying someone else will not make that bondage go away. Actually, it makes things worse.)
So many women are shackled with shame, guilt, and wondering if they were supposed to give their husband more love and more grace. Or if they let God down. Ask most pastors what we should do and they’ll say, “Yes, keep trying to bring your husband around.” But at some point, you have to break free from that spiritual bond. Accept the divorce and this path, and move on, walking redeemed.
That’s where your higher standards come in. God cares more about people than He does the marriage. He cares about you! Know that! And then seek God’s help with the rest.
Who completes you?
We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord. – Ephesians 2:21 NLT
I’m about twenty-five hundred words into writing my next book, a Bible study for divorcing/divorced women. I’m a self-proclaimed “Bible nerd” because I love to learn new Greek or Hebrew words. One of my favorite words that God has revealed to me through my own study, for this new book, is “karartizo.” One of its meanings is, “to repair, mend, or to complete.”
During my divorce, as I shared in this video, God showed me that He was calling me back to “be complete” with Him. During the last few months of my divorce, I attended a woman’s group that was participating in the {affiliate link} Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed study of David. This changed my view of life as well as the purpose of my divorce. God showed me that this was my story and I just had to surrender to His will and trust Him.
God was allowing my divorce to happen, not to hurt me or break me, but to repair me, mend me, and make me complete (karartizo) in Him. He had a better purpose for me in this world. Maybe He’s doing the same for you? Maybe he has a much better purpose for you as well (actually I know He does!). You just have to surrender to His will and trust Him. More on this in my next book (hopefully releasing later this year).
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”God wants you to be joined with Him, mended and complete… not entangled with a man.” tweet=”God wants you to be joined with Him, mended and complete… not entangled with a man.”]
Do you feel you’ve untangling from your ex-husband? What has been your experience? Or where do you need help?
God bless your healing journey,
Thank you Jen! What an awesome and eye opening read. I’m not divorced yet, but am already working on becoming untangled from the mess. Until your blogs I never knew about financial infedality (which is one of the many reasons I need to get out), he’s also a narcissistic abuser and is just not a nice guy. When one gets to the point they now longer care and realize the only ONE that matters is God, it gets easier to detach and work on yourself.
You’re welcome! And I’m glad you’re here working on you and your healing. God bless!
How to get untangled from “what could have been” is the most difficult for me. Being 65 and having my future taken away, even though it was a big relief to break free, is sometimes very crushing. How do you let go of feeling like you’ve been cheated out of a family and life you will no longer have? It’s not a constant thought, but comes at times in waves!
I believe that’s where we need to hold onto hope, through your mourning. 1 Peter 5:10, “So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” I know my hope was in the wrong place, until my divorce. Now I’m able to focus on my purpose.
And before you say it’s too late for you (I hear that a lot from women older than me – I’m in my 40’s), I’d say read a few Bible stories, age doesn’t matter to God. Abraham and Sarah… late in life. Moses… was 80 when he led God’s people out of Egypt. Corrie Ten Boom and Mother Teresa are other examples of women who lived out their purpose until the end. Life is not over until God takes you home. We can all do something to share the Good News and our hope with others. 🙂
Hi Jen,
Thank you for the thought of the word to “repair”, mend or complete. I am thinking of the verse that says God has torn us but he will heal us. I have been separated almost 2 years after being married for 21 years, but because of choices that were detrimental to me and my kids, have been “forced” to divorce. Thank you for reminding me that God has a bigger story. Holding on to Isaiah, Yahweh, your maker is your husband. And praying that God redeems as I move forward. Thanks for sharing your story. God bless!
Shelly
You’re welcome! God will heal. Keep trusting Him. God bless you too!
Jen;
I am just now finding your blog. I have enjoyed all of your stories and teachings. I would have been married for 25 years this May. Until he left last March. Got his own place started hanging out with my sons girlfriend age 16. In a IM from him to her he tells her how much he loves her and how beautiful she is then he adds a few lines about my son and says nothing was wrong in the relationship. However the girlfriend said that he made her feel funny and when both of them went to see my son he touched her leg. No tell me if I am wrong isn’t this grooming? I think he had an emotional affair. He says I am sick!! After they got back she dropped him like a bad habit and told me about texts and the above. He then lost his apartment and ended up in the Physic ward said he wanted to kill himself because he says he is depressed and has angzity . We tried to work on our relationship. I felt like maybe some how I would add to his issues. however I could never get over all that happened and frankly he never really tried. I had filled divorce papers and they never could get him served. After all of this in one year…..I have come to the conclusion that this DID really happen and with Gods help I am making my way. There was lots of financial abuse; and I just never thought I could do anything right or to please him. To this day I still have problems accepting compliments. I know God is working on me and my life and I thank and praise him daily he holds tight onto me. I am not sure if I will ever be ok but with God I hope to and I know he is molding me to what I should be. So sorry this is long but sometimes it is just healing to write.
I’m glad you found writing here therapeutic. You’re welcome to join in on the discussion anytime! Also, many women find journaling through divorce healing very helpful.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I promise you’ll get through this. God bless!
I have been separated a year. I still am grieving heavily. I don’t want a divorce. My husband ghosted me. He will only respond to texts he wants to. Shouldn’t this be getting better by now.
Debra, healing takes time and most times it only starts after the legal divorce process has happened. Most people aren’t healed after one year and especially if you are holding out hope that your marriage can and will be saved.
Jen,
Thank you so much for what you do, with your blog, and videos, etc. I have referred several folks to your site.
Untangling is quite a word to use — being married almost 32 years when the divorce was final; knowing that my ex is a covert narcissist and recently married the woman he cheated on me with (his latest), and she is just a couple years older than our older son (another slap). I am finding, for me, that the opposite of love/hate is indifference. Untangling, to me, is becoming indifferent to the things I had mourned and grieved so heavily. I am learning that what I thought I had, never really was and that takes awhile to sink in (more untangling). It is a difficult thing to realize that all my efforts for over 3 decades went into a marriage that was at most, a con. As an Empath, I took it all on and that takes awhile to understand also. I am now 65, am dealing with still more changes (divorced 1 1/2 years now), and there are still SO many unknowns for me. I know that God has me, has always had me, and it took awhile to figure out what was really going on in my marriage, but HE showed me, spoke to me, and in this whole process, I have not had to “ask” anyone for what I needed, it was offered. One of the eye opening Scriptures for me (not early on, but later) was 1 Corinthians 13…the Love Chapter. He (ex) did not exhibit the qualities of a person who was loving, and as a covert narcissist, he doesn’t know what it is or how to show it (but he was very good at conning me). He was not the man I thought I had married, and Scripture usually helps me define much of the chaos this relationship put me in. This healing process is not linear, but I heard a word that makes sense…”spiraling.” Sometimes the healing from this hidden abuse takes time because the healing comes in layers. One doesn’t just “get over it” and anyone who presses that on me I consider an abuser of sorts (misinformed, but still a code for me to put boundaries on this person). I recently tried reading my journal I began 2 years ago, prior to him leaving and me finding out about Gaslighting and I was such a different person in my mind even then (and I had no delusions, I knew he would not get better and I had to file). Healing takes time, untangling takes time, and it is hard work, but so worth it. As my pastor mentioned to me recently that he knew it was hard being alone, and my response, “Peace trumphs everything!” I am not “alone.” God is with me, will never mistreat me, and will not abandon me — and that brings me peace. Thank you for all you do, Jen. You are a blessing to many!
Thank you, Becky! Great advice and encouragement to share with others. Thanks. And you’re welcome. I feel honored to do what I do, for God. 🙂
Hello , after 13 yrs of marriage,20 yrs knowing him,6 yrs ago my soon to be ex-husband had a std , now a year ago he got a nasty std and gave it to me. I have gone through mentally abuse, verbal and have been beating by him,I could? Him ,or stand up for myself on verbal and still get hit . It wasn’t all the time but I’ve had my eye bruised for 3 months at 1 time. Me writing this I’m like d.m what the f wrong with me.. We have broken up several times, and several times I caught him talking to girls,I even had it out with the std chick when I was going through horrible migraine, even I could drink a big bottle of liquor and it didn’t even touch the pain, and I had neck surgery due to bad disk in neck,it took them 3 years to find out that’s what caused migraines,now my brain stem is injured for life,so while having surgery he was cheating on me the whole time. He blames me for porn is the reason why he has been cheating,I did that 21 yrs ago before I was with him it had nothing to do with him. I was young and stupid. So i left him again after he cus me out so bad ,and I had enough I stayed for my step daughters and they couldn’t take it no more and it’s not fair to them,I had to show them what a woman is. I just found out in October 2020 I have brain tumors that’s not treatable and I have fluid on my brain that comes from truma and when I told him he didn’t care he said I was looking for attention or symptom ,I said are u kidding me. Be quit his job a yr ago with the best insurance u could get. He bearly gives me 150 a month and I have been working on disability for a yr , waiting on judge to get back to me know. I have nothing and only took my clothes when I left. 15 years I have made crowns and bridges for dentist ,I had to learn how to adjust with nothing . I have been trying so hard to get Medicare, temporarily disability insurance I have tried so much ,begging people to help me ,I go from place to place just trying to live. I started a go fund me account because I need surgery asap to get fluid off brain,I finally found a nuersourgen to help ,or to look at my case.I have to come up with 320 just to talk to her ,I have had to connect to God spiritual and I have done this before praying for my x husband and asking God to give me the answers,and when I had all my faith in God about my x he gave it to me and I wasn’t prepared for it.So once again I’m learning to live life different,I have my moments when I break down but I have to keep my head up and keep smiling,god is amazing but yet I still struggle sometimes. Lately I have been wanting to go to both of these chicks he is talking to, the one who gave me std, and the one he used to date 20 yrs ago he loves her but not me and has told this to me too many times. I don’t know what is wrong with me,I guess I’m just so used to him and been held at night.Its been 7 months now since I left ,I’m so hurt by him it doesn’t make any sense and I don’t know why I’m even like this. He did me so wrong.
Jen! I just found you via Pinterest and I have never wanted to meet someone and become friends more! I’m in Minnesota. Where are you? I’m newly divorced (bifurcated) with an ongoing custody dispute with our three kids. My divorce was unwanted but I was blinded by “keeping the family together” and I didn’t realize how unhealthy he was causing me to live. Now everything is apparently “my fault”. But my prayer has always been “God, use this pain in my life and the lives of other women”. Thank you for your resources!