If living with a narcissist (or someone with a personality disorder) is not hard enough… then the holidays come around every year and things only get much, much worse.
After a couple of years, you may have started to see the pattern. The pattern is everything needs to be about the narcissist, who thrives at being the center of attention and in the middle of everyone’s world. If he’s not getting all of the attention, he’s going to be angry and try to ruin Christmas (or any other special day or holiday) for everyone!
Christmas and Easter are completely about Jesus… but don’t tell the narcissist that!
I’ll never forget the stressful drive as a family of five to holiday celebrations several hours away in another state. I recall many occasions where I would feel so degraded, disrespected and demeaned on the car ride there – most times for merely asking that he not drive so recklessly. Once we would arrive, I was ready to weep, which only made me look like I was the problem. They always accused me of sweating the small stuff! Right!
I became very skilled at holding back my feelings and hiding my tears after all those years of marriage. I wasn’t allowed to have any other feelings besides happiness, even in the face of their dysfunction. I realize now that no matter how I responded or reacted, I was being set up to take the blame for everything that was being done to me. My choices were to be just like them or get out!
Why do narcissists create conflicts and then blame everyone else for the reaction?
Dysfunction loves… company! They try to get everyone on their side to gang up against the family scapegoat. In my family, I was that scapegoat.
I remember one year when my mother, who probably had a borderline personality disorder (similar to narcissistic personality disorder), offered my daughter some pie when she was saying she didn’t want to eat dinner. I wasn’t making a big deal about it, just told her when she was hungry she could get a dinner plate first, then have some dessert.
Instead of respecting what she clearly heard me say, my mother started feeding my young daughter from her dessert plate. This coming from a woman who never allowed her own children, or even nieces and nephews, to eat dessert first. I recall one year, as a child, she yelled at my cousins for eating only the peanut butter off the celery.
What bothered me most about what my mother was doing was when she gave me a side glance with a smirk on her face – proving she was doing this on purpose just to bother me. She was only feeding my child to create a problem. And then blame me for being upset about her deception and manipulation. That’s how toxic people behave, especially during the holidays.
They really do know what they’re doing and they do it for fun. They love the drama and dysfunction of creating these types of problems.
Why do narcissists love drama and division between people?
They cause drama and division by purposely lying to two separate people.
The narcissist will tell his mother that his wife is mad at her. He’ll also tell his wife that his mother is mad at her. Why? Just to get in the middle of the drama at family functions and cause more drama. If there were already issues, this only serves to make matters worse.
Furthermore, the narcissist can’t allow two people to build a better bond, become enlightened to what he is doing, and turn against him. Being the master manipulator, causing division and disharmony, keeps those people apart so he is still at the center of everyone’s world.
And in the meantime, he’s pointing the finger at everyone else for all of this conflict and all of these family problems. This is exactly the place he enjoys being.
Why do personality disordered people discard partners more during the holidays than at any other time of the year?
The narcissist just can’t handle giving so much during this season when all he wants is stuff and attention for himself. And because of his lack of empathy for what other people may be feeling or expecting, he devalues and discards to make his life that much easier. With people gone, there is more for him!
He will also project whatever it is he is feeling and doing onto you, to rid himself of any negative feelings he may have of himself or his current situation (possibly a problem he’s gotten himself into but doesn’t want to take responsibility for). He feels better knowing it was all you, you were doing the same thing he was/is, and most importantly, you’re to blame for everything bad going on in his life. In his mind, it couldn’t possibly be anything he’s done wrong!
Other ways the narcissist ruins the holidays in order to stay at the center of everyone’s attention:
- In order to keep up his perfect image, he will lie, manipulate, devalue, and discard people to protect himself and what people think of him.
- Toxic people intentionally exclude you from meals, gift-giving, and other events – to show you how they can and will treat you if you don’t play along with their games or get in his way of what he wants.
- He’ll do things to intentionally irritate or start an argument with those closest to him to paint themselves as the victim (you are then the abuser/perpetrator).
- The narcissist is skilled at making empty promises causing you to expect more and getting you excited only to let you down in the end; you then get upset and get portrayed as unappreciative and petty when faced with their thoughtless gift (when you have every right to be annoyed at his game).
- Toxic people purposely give cheap, generic gifts to show you how they feel about you – sometimes also for the same reasons as stated above.
- They may act depressed or withdrawn in order to gain sympathy for some made-up reason, while also making fun of you if you have real mental health or medical condition.
- They make everything about them; it’s not about family or tradition, just their wants, and needs.
You’re expected to take it all, serve the narcissist, and pretend like everything is fine and wonderful. The narcissist has a perfect image that he (or she) is trying to project and protect. And if you stand in the way of sharing that image with the world, you will be disvalued and/or discarded.
Personally, by Christmas 2012 I was tired of being fake, tired of pretending everything was fine, and that I was to blame for any issues that came up. That is the reason I refused to go visit family that year. I just couldn’t continue to be on that emotional roller coaster… and so I got off and refused to ever get back on. Two months later, after learning about his newest affair, I knew my marriage was over and divorce was the only option. The best option for me!
How has your current or ex-narcissist ruined the holidays for you or your family? When did you get off the emotional roller coaster?
May God bless your healing journey,
My husband (at the time. Now divorced 2 months) asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him I would love to have a new black purse. Under the tree. Christmas morning, he had wrapped the purse with wrapping paper all around the handles and the body of the purse. I picked it up and put it over my shoulder. I modeled it to my family still wrapped. When I opened it, I found it was my old, worn out black purse! He laughed so hard! He thought it was so funny! I don’t remember what he got me but i know it wasn’t a new purse.
Oh my goodness! Horrible! Not funny at all. That sounds just like the toxic family I knew. Thank you for sharing!
Every Christmas eve, with a house full of relatives to feed and entertain, presents to wrap, children to monitor, he’d disappear! He’d say he had to shop, even though I’d already done all the shopping and he never brought anything home. Now I realize he was celebrating with someone else.
I’m sorry, Cathy. Glad you are free from that now. Thanks for sharing!
I often received the “sorry I didnt get you anything” cards. And the card would literally say that. He would blame the fact that he couldn’t take money out of our account to buy me gifts, and wasn’t “allowed” to have money of his own (he constantly spent money). He bought me earrings one year…silver earrings. I never wore silver. He knew that. It makes my skin look blue, because of my light complexion. I was made to feel like a horrible, unloving, ungrateful wife, by someone who had no clue, when I was sad and complained. I stopped saying things out loud and began thinking I was that person. Thank God, I am healing and coming out of those thoughts and feelings. He has been gone for over a year and we will be divorced soon.
Yes, thank God for your healing and journey out! Just like I was, you were set up to be upset. It is their game. They purposely do it, just so they can say, “You are so ungrateful and unappreciative of what I do!” The fact is the narcissist is uncaring, unkind, cruel, selfish, and self-centered… so of course, we would be ungrateful and unappreciative for *the crumbs* they give to others – those they say they love but treat like dirt – while giving diamonds to those they want to impress.
Every single Christmas Eve he “had to” work. He’s an accountant and had me 100% convinced that he couldn’t take that day off work, even though just about everyone else at the office took the day off. I was left with all the work year after year and he would just show up and take credit along with me for my weeks and weeks of planning and work. I now realize this was power and control. I wanted him to take time off so we could spend more time together as a family. Since this was something I wanted, he had the power to say no and to purposely not give me something that I wanted and would make me happy. He did this with many other holidays and now realize it’s abuse.
He purposely barely acknowledged my birthday for over ten years. He’d leave a card laying around where I’d find it. That was my happy birthday from him. No presents, flowers, dinner out or even cake. But when his birthday rolled around, I went all out and even had his family over for dinner. On my 40th birthday I really thought he’d do something. Plan a nice night out. Get me a present and cake. He planned nothing at all and I got no presents. Nothing like crying on your birthday. Now I see this is what some narc’s do. They have to be the center of attention and even giving me attention on my birthday would somehow in his disordered mind, take attention away from him. He was jealous of our son when he was born. He didn’t like all the attention he was getting and all the attention I had to give to our baby. He undermined so many occasions. Holidays are so peaceful now without all the drama and stress.
Yes, that’s what they do. While dating they “love-bomb” so we think that is how he behaves and will continue to do so – he was so attentive then! After the wedding, his true selfish character/personality comes out. Everything needs to be about him (this includes his job/career or his schooling or his hobbies or whatever). And then when a baby comes along, or we want to go back to school, or whatever else we want/need, he is upset that the attention is taken away from him. The games serve as a way to get all the attention back on him.
It amazes and saddens me that what I thought was my ex-husband’s mood instability and crazy antics over the holidays (not to mention daily drama) due to his unique blend of psychological problems and traumatic brain injury is actually a characteristic shared by narcissists. In Jen’s covert narcissism abuse recovery group, I have heard from others that their husbands did the same! During the 25 years we were married, my ex-husband never bought me a Christmas gift (or birthday gift). For Christmas, he said that we should not be contributing to the crass commercialization of a sacred event. And that we already bought things for each other throughout the year and had all that we needed, we didn’t need to be buying needless sentimental items. I readily agreed with all this. Problems: 1) after he confessed his first two affairs, I discovered that he purchased lavish gifts and planned elaborate surprises for his affair partners, just as he had for me when I was his love-bombed girlfriend; 2) he never bought me things after we married, what was he talking about? I bought HIM things after we married as I did all the shopping, including his clothes and underwear. Every holiday, we flew to my parents’ home from our home on the east coast to their home on the west coast and EVERY holiday (summer, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, whatever holiday!) he’d either threaten not to go to the airport and cancel plans AND/OR while at my parents’ home, he’d threaten to leave in the middle of the night by taking my parents’ car and leave it at the airport and then fly back to our home on the east coast. Every holiday, every trip, it was “I’m leaving with the car and you’ll have to walk to the airport!”, or “I’ve decided to stay, and when you come back you’ll have divorce papers waiting for you because you’re impossible!” or “I can’t take it any more, I’m driving to the airport with your parent’s car and you’ll have to get a tow truck to get the car back”. Just writing all this brings back trauma but I am glad to now have some clarity that this was his problem that he blamed on me.
I’m sorry, Mary Li, for all you’ve been through. I’m glad you’re gaining clarity. Your strength through it all shines for others… especially, in our “Stronger Woman After Divorce Group Program“. I love having you! And thanks for sharing.
My ex if he would buy me a gift would always buy something he wanted and say it was for me. Last Christmas was the first holiday I did t have to,listen to his ranting and raving all day and it was one of the best ever!
I used to have those same types of people in my life too. They didn’t even ask me what I wanted instead bought what they wanted (or liked for themself). I’m so glad you had a wonderful Christmas. I hope this year is even better! Blessings!
My ex husband always gave me exactly what I wanted because I provided a list. But he would punish me days later by staging a huge fight that necessitated him leaving home for a week. Usually some imagined slight such as I didn’t say good morning to him. It took me about 3 years to figure out the pattern. We are divorced as of Nov 2020. The holidays without him was wonderful however he filed another frivolous motion in court the week before Christmas, Probably to ruin my holidays (which it didn’t).