The National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) reveals that financial infidelity can be just as significant among couples as emotional/sexual infidelity. (Source)
**This is part 3 in a series about how to financially survive divorce. Read all of the posts.**
What is Financial Infidelity?
Plainly defined, it’s doing things with finances that you keep a secret from your partner. It could be hiding cash, taking out loans, opening credit cards, or making large purchases. Fighting about money is one of the biggest reasons for arguments in a relationship and a leading cause of divorce. (Source)
The kind of financial infidelity you and I probably experienced is the kind where, we were married to a spoiled rotten brat living in an adult body, as Dave Ramsey puts it and we could not stop things from happening with our family finances. Money was taken from accounts, or emptied completely, just to hurt us emotionally and financially.
Signs of financial infidelity (while married):
- Money is used for manipulation
- Sabotaging your employment or your education
- Emptying a savings account
- Withdrawing from a retirement account (without your knowledge)
- Being removed from accounts (credit cards, bank accounts, etc.)
- Being removed from health/life insurance
- There is a secret post office box
- There are secret credit cards (with or without your name)
- Large possessions/property have come up missing
- You’re not allowed to see the finances or know how much money is in joint accounts
- You are told there’s no money (when there should be)
- You’re told you’re not allowed to touch any money
- You notice there’s no money (when there should be)
- You’re getting calls from creditors (when you shouldn’t be)
- You find debt on your Credit Report that you didn’t authorize
- Stopping or refusing to pay child or spousal support after divorce
Financial or Economic Abuse.
Financial abuse is a tactic used by abusers to control victims by preventing access to money or other financial resources. It often begins subtly and progresses over time. Like other forms of abuse, it aims to gain power and control. (Source)
Often an abuser thinks he has a right to take “his money” and keep you from it. He may believe because you’re done with him, you’ve moved out, or that he has another woman, that he no longer has to provide for his family. Sometimes these things are done in secret to hide an affair partner (more abuse) or hurt you emotionally. The abuser may be seeking revenge after you assert yourself to say you won’t allow yourself to be abused by him anymore.
What if I’ve done some of these?
When you’re escaping an abuser you might need to do things to protect yourself from financial abuse and prepare for the future. The difference between the abuser’s actions and your own is motive.
What is the motive behind the actions?
Many men will say that a woman emptied his account leaving him with nothing. But we as women need to only take what is rightfully ours and not more to hurt your spouse. In most states, the courts allow you to take half of all family finances – but always talk with a lawyer in your state to know how “taking money” will affect you financially during the divorce process.
Steps you can take to prepare or recover.
- Monitor your credit report (Free Annual Credit Report) for any discrepancies. Make sure your name and information were not used to obtain credit which will be your debt if it’s not paid.
- Separate your finances from your soon-to-be-ex or ex-husband. Remove your name whenever you can from accounts and debt (contact a lawyer for what is legally his and what is legally yours if still legally married).
- Seek assistance from local agencies (in the U.S. call 211) – that’s what they’re there for! (Need a better job? Ask about job/resume services. Need a food bank or daycare? They have lists of available resources; don’t be afraid to ask for help. Need a place to live? They help with that too!)
- Find ways to increase your income.
- Pay off debt and build a savings fund (in addition to the emergency fund).
- Complete the Financial Empowerment Course created by the Allstate Foundation Purple Purse.
Before you remarry, make sure your partner has disclosed every detail of his financial story – income, assets, debts, other financial obligations (including loans from parents or other family members), bankruptcies, his will, retirement and life insurance policies. If he’s not willing to be transparent about everything, and/or if he tells you that he has financially ruined his ex-wife, then you may be getting yourself into the same situation, with someone else. That’s why it’s so important to heal your heart first after divorce.
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In what ways have you been affected by financial infidelity or abuse? How have you recovered? (Real name not required.)
God bless your healing and restoration journey,
My ex had several credit cards open which I knew nothing about (with large balances), he would give me very little to buy groceries and nothing for myself and the kids for clothes and other necessities, he would always buy guns and ammo for himself, and twice he came home with cars he purchased without my knowledge or consent (and once was a brand new car). I am so glad to be free of that. I have retirement savings, have an emergency fund, am paying off my debt (student loans from school), and am free to budget and plan as needed for me and my kids. It is SO FREEING!
Thank you for sharing your experience. That’s exactly the kinds of things financial abusers do. I’m glad to hear you’re repairing and rebuilding your life after divorce.
My ex bought a car without me. He took loans from his family and wouldn’t tell me how much they were for yet I was expected to help pay them off. He overspent on lots of things (technology, home repairs) and he LITERALLY told me not to “touch the money”. Quite ironic since I worked an he didn’t.
Now that I am dating I take note of big “career changes” by men—-into lower paying jobs on purpose—around the time of their divorce. In my opinion so they could reduce child and spousal support. One even said he “couldn’t find work” after his divorce, when he had been a highly paid professional while married. Red flags ladies.
Thanks Jen for your helpful articles and congratulations on your success ?
Very wise dating advice, looking for those red flags/deal breakers. Thanks for sharing!
I didn’t confirm until the night before our final hearing that my ex used $30,000 of marital assets to purchase stock in a local company. He also violated the domestic standing order in other ways. I had proof that he removed me from his life insurance policies as well as his retirement plan. Sadly I also proved that he was cheating and had the text messages. We ended up settling rather than going before the judge. The betrayal lingers and also the feeling of injustice. I know The Lord sees all and He is just. So this is what I cling to.
Hi Jen
Thank you for all your encouraging articles!! My ex (while we were married) opened a separate checking account, had a PO Box, credit cards in his name only, multiple student loans (one of which I’m named as the co signer on & have been stuck paying for it because he stopped paying on it). He also quit his job & hasn’t paid any child support in 10 months…..I have full custody of all 3 of my kids.
It’s crazy , I think to myself how did I end up in this place after24 years of marriage…..Thank you for helping me to name it as such(Financial Infidelity)!
I just stumbled into your blog recently and have been reading up all your past posts on abuse which have been very helpful to me in understanding what happened in my marriage. But after reading your post on financial infidelity, I am now left wondering if I am being abusive in some ways too.
I am begining to doubt if my husband ever loved me. There was so much of love bombing and intense declarations of love during our dating days but soon after marriage my husband did not want intimacy or even to hold hand or kiss. This was followed up with severe neglect and constant blame shifting. He also began to criticize how I looked, what I wore, etc. He was also heavily involved with porn and subsequently had one affair I know of. Several women have accused him of trying to touch them.
I then found out he empties a big chunk of my salary from my bank account each month but as he does not give an account, I am not sure what he does with the money. He gets angry when I talk about finances and tends to take it out on our child. I know of one incident at least when he took out a big sum of money to help out his girlfriend.
I became very distrustful of him and started to hide my savings. He does not know how much I have. I am saving it for my future and my child’s in case we have to leave him in the future. There are occasions when I use my income to splurge on myself or my child but all this is without his knowledge. If he knew he would not allow me to do any of these things, even if its only a facial or a manicure. I hate being controlled like this when I work so hard to earn a living. My husband has not worked for the past 18 years but he liked to tell me what to do with the money.
I am concerned that God would judge me as I am not forthright with my husband with how I use my money. But don’t I have the right to spend what I earn as long as I am responsible with money? I have been paying for the mortgage, insurance child care and all other expenses, including my husband’s as well as holidays etc.
That’s a tough question because I often suggest abused women to save money in order to safely escape the abusive relationship. I suppose the best way to know if it’s right or wrong is to seek your motive behind hiding money (this is for anyone, not just you personally). Are you hiding money to be vengeful, trying to keep money from your partner or are you being fair and just trying to do what’s best for you and/or your kids? Seek God to reveal your heart’s motives. If you are right with Him, He won’t judge you harshly. God bless!
Wow, thanks for this blog.
My ex-husband repeatedly stole money from me. Yes I said stole. After all, that is what it is called when we take money from someone without their permission. I could see the first couple of times being called financial infidelity, but years and years of going to different counselors, pastors etc, there came a point in time where it was thievery. And he almost stole my childrens future.
His addiction to credit cards were so bad, to the point where he spent us into poverty. We went from a beautiful townhome into a drafty, freezing dump of a trailer. It was then when I realized it is time for me to get my education and leave the relationship. His mother has the same spending addiction.
Now I’m doing much better, praise God. I’m not saying divorce is an option, but…