I’ve been seeing a lot more articles around social media about how a wife can keep her husband or how to keep him happy. I don’t usually read them. Then last week, one of the best marriage bloggers I follow, shared on Twitter that the comment section on her post from September 2015 was still going strong – and it looks like the dialog hasn’t changed in that time either. That was the bait, and I took it. I started to read the comments. My mistake!
The dialog is that a wife is to be open to physical touch at all times, willing to have sex, and anything else her husband wants in order to “keep him…” (happy, satisfied, from committing adultery or watching porn). One commenter said, “Seriously, can you not see your teaching is the epitome of why men are leaving the church and marriage and running for the hills to no responsibility and porn?“
That was when I knew I needed to write this post!
Replacing learned Christian programming.
Part of my healing process involved seeing an abuse recovery licensed counselor. I spend about a year meeting with her to deprogram the deeply ingrained message – from The Church, from Christian books, and from other Christian helpers – that it was my responsibility to “keep my husband” and stop him from making choices that ruin a marriage or abandoning me for someone else. I felt like his actions were either MY responsibility or MY fault.
This topic made me angry while married and reading the Christian marriage books that told me that I needed to “respect my husband” and that “he needed sex every 48 hours” or he’d be tempted by the enemy. If I couldn’t do all that was required of me… then I could expect my husband to walk out the door (just like that commenter said). And when he did, leave multiple times, those books gave him a reason and the right to do so (in his mind).
Are wives responsible for their husband’s actions?
Let’s start with a hypothetical story. A husband wakes up one morning decides that he’s going to rob a bank. Money is tight, the mortgage and car payments are late, and he just needs the money to feel better about himself as a man. He can’t live without money, his wife is not providing it, so he’s just going to take it.
When he gets caught, we blame him, the criminal for doing the crime – especially if the wife didn’t know, they didn’t dialog about his impending actions beforehand, and she didn’t participate in the crime. Even if she also needed the money, we assume the wife couldn’t predict this choice of what she thought their loving spouse would do. Most husbands don’t rob banks, so of course, she wouldn’t assume he was going to do this, on this day. He could have just found a part-time job, sold the many excess items they own or with a healthy voice said, we have a problem and I’m wondering how we’re going to get through this – without taking action. Countless other choices he could make, so robbing a bank doesn’t cross her mind.
Now think, what if his choice is to commit adultery, abuse, or abandon his wife?
We all know adultery is not an I’m thinking about having an affair today, I’m just going to go do it… as bank robbery can be. But adultery has a thought process and many chances to back out, to not follow through just like robbing a bank. No one trips and falls into either situation, even if they have unmet needs. Both are deliberate actions, not a mistake. One is a crime and the other (adultery) is abuse.
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”If a husband robs a bank, we don’t blame the wife if she knew nothing of his actions, even if they needed the money. Why do we blame a wife when a husband commits adultery?” tweet=”If a husband robs a bank, we don’t blame the wife if she knew nothing of his actions, even if they needed the money. Why do we blame a wife when a husband commits adultery?”]
Are women required to be sexual objects?
As a wife, we become a woman who’s only worth is sex and taking care of the home or kids – merely a body to get his needs met. That’s exactly how I felt. Beyond that, we realize we’re easy to replace so we start to assume our husband who lacks integrity and honor for the marriage will cheat.
And most times when adultery happens, the adulterer is not held accountable for his actions. Wives are told what they should be doing, to prevent their husband from cheating. Are you withholding sex in retaliation? That’s what I heard – even though that’s not what I was doing. He was just “acting out” because he is sexually frustrated by you denying him his right to your body. Your job is to provide what he needs – a release they called it – because he provides what you need, a roof over your head and food to eat. He’s hurting and hurting people hurt people.
I was hurting in my marriage, I never cheated! I wasn’t trying to get back at him or retaliate, I wanted an emotionally healthy marriage with a physically and emotionally healthy sex life. And not to be just a body for him to pleasure himself with. Or someone who took his emotional abuse, his repeated threats to divorce me, and still felt secure enough in the marriage to have sex with him. I was more than that but never felt like more than that. But no one asked how I felt. All that mattered is what he needed and what I was required to do to “keep him.”
[socialrocket-tweet quote=”All that mattered is what he needed and what I was required to do to keep him.” tweet=”All that mattered is what he needed and what I was required to do to keep him.”]
What advice is out there?
Doing a search for “how to keep your husband” brings up 876,000,000 results. Lots and lots of those results say, “have sex.”
I do honestly understand the reasons behind why it says that – sex is part of a healthy and happy marriage. But I also think to have a blanket statement like this creates an unhealthy dynamic especially with a narcissistic abuser. Women are not penis holes as some pastors have explained it. Women are not sexual objects. Real-life and real sex is not pornography. There is an unrealistic ideal of what sex inside marriage will be like for men because of their pornography use during their teenage and young adult years.
Sheila Way Gregoire, from To Love Honor and Vacuum, who gives great sex advice for married couples (with a healthy marriage), put it this way.
[W]hen you spend a ton of time teaching your brain to associate arousal and release with pornography, your brain can’t associate arousal and release with a person anymore. Either you have to fantasize about the porn, and get those images in your brain, or you have to watch porn first. Often people can “complete the act”, but it’s not intense for them the way porn is. You’ve rewired your brain, and now you’re salivating at the wrong thing. (Source)
How porn ruins marriages.
It still bothers me that porn is seen as entertainment, even inside many marriages. Many parents of teens allow their sons or daughters to watch without explaining how much harm it does to their brain and their future. Big box office movies with explicit sexual content, as well as similar books, given the title of romance (or erotica), are used to heat things up in the bedroom for married couples. But honestly, none of that is real life and it’s only hurting marriages. I hear from readers all the time who tell me the same thing – his porn use and addiction ruined our marriage.
Women are victims of pornography. Porn increases violence against women, increases misogyny or dissatisfaction, objectification, and disrespect towards women. A man who’s only satisfied with the imagined porn star for a wife. And when she needs anything from him, inside or outside of the bedroom, she’s not the fantasy that he has of all women – instead she’s a needy and controlling nag who won’t give him sex. And pastors and lots of marriage “experts” are believing the latter.
Porn becomes his addiction.
Studies show that porn does the same thing to the brain, and is more addictive, than crack cocaine or heroin. And similar to addictive drugs, a porn addict builds up a tolerance and needs more to get his high.
[P]orn consumption follows a very predictable pattern that’s eerily similar to drug use. Over time, excessive levels of ‘pleasure’ chemicals cause the porn consumer’s brain to develop tolerance, just like the brain of a drug user. In the same way that a junkie eventually requires more and more of a drug to get a buzz or even feel normal, regular porn consumers will end up turning to porn more often or seeking out more extreme versions—or both—to feel excited again. (Source)
Pornography is also the “gateway drug” to adultery. After a time of pornography use, the sex addict can no longer find sexual fulfillment with his wife. He needs more than she’s able or willing to provide, so he sets out to find someone to feed his unleased desire for more – the next level. After images no longer work, the porn addict will find real-life participants. Affairs are exciting for him until the real world that includes a wife and children hits him. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions… he blames his wife for not providing!
That’s right, porn can actually overpower the brain’s natural ability to have real sex! (Source)
Who is responsible for his choices?
If men are leaving their marriages and running for the hills to pornography, then that’s his choice! The same way robbing a bank is a choice for how he is going to obtain income. Wives can’t make their husband do the right thing and she’s not responsible for his actions before, during, or after the fact. He makes the conscious choice to handle his marriage with care and loving-kindness, with emotionally healthy dialog OR he chooses to seek pornography or sexual activity outside of his marriage
I whole-heartedly believe that each human being on the face of this earth will be held accountable for their own actions. Jesus is not going to tell a faithful wife* she should’ve done more to keep her husband. If you did the best that you could with what you were given, seeking the Holy Spirit’s guidance for all decisions, God’s going to say, “well done good and faithful servant.” He doesn’t fault the innocent party! God holds only the guilty responsible.
*Note: I coach and write for women but yes, this applies to “faithful husbands” as well.
Did/Do you feel responsible for his cheating or porn use? Do/Did you feel like a sexual object for your husband/ex-husband? Are you finding healing after divorce? {Real name not required.}
May God bless your healing journey,
This is the best information I have heard in a long long time thank u I now know I’m not a penis hole thank God
You’re welcome!
Yes, I did feel responsible for my husband’s porn use, even though I knew when we married (34 years) that he was addicted as a teen. I believed the lie that if we had sex often enough and if I acted like his little porn star, it would be enough. It never was. As the years went on, he got less and less functional at sex. He would get aroused, then get impotent. It confused me for so long. I thought it was me and felt so much shame. He convinced me that if I would just do this or that, it would be better, and it never was. Then, as I learned about covert narcissists and pornography addition, I realized that was part of the cycle. The deeper he went in to it, the worse our sex life was and I always blamed myself.
I have been separated from him for over a year and our divorce should be final by the end of June. I am free, getting healthy, and he is still convinced of his position that I am to blame for everything, including his use of pornography.
I’m glad you no longer see yourself to blame for his choices to use porn. That’s his addiction, no different from any other addiction.
Thank you for sharing this! So much of this is my story too. I thought if I could only be “enough” for him, I could keep his live and he would stay. You are blessing so many by sharing this information. God bless you!
There are some big flaws in the logic of “needing to meet men’s needs”. What about a single man, does his “needs” change after he gets married? Does God allow a single man to meet his own “needs” before marriage or have someone do it for him? If not, then is it a true “need”? Saying that men have exclusive needs turns them into base senseless creatures with no will power or discernment, and that is frankly not scriptural. What happened to personal accountability? I totally agree with this article. I’m not responsible for my ex husband’s adultery. He is responsible to God and before God. I can honestly say I wasn’t sinless, but I truly did my best to be the best wife I could be. There is no excuse for what he did. I am free from the bondage of being a body for him to have sex with. It hurt terribly, but now I realize that God delivered me from him and his abuse.
I agree. So many unanswered questions from pastors and experts making the blanket statement of just meet your husband’s sexual needs to keep him (happy, from cheating, etc.).
Forty four years ago this month I married the love of my life. I bore him four sons, I raised them and taught them. I always put him first. I followed him wherever the Lord led him. I made our homes a haven of rest. I stood up beside him. I supported him in his work. I trusted him, never doubting him, always giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I was abandoned after 38 years of marriage. He had contacted his home town sweetheart, who lived in another state, through social media. She has always been in his heart. He has never forsaken her. She had returned to an abusive relationship instead of waiting for him to come home from Basic Training. I was his consolation prize. I once saw a picture of her, it was as if I was looking in a mirror. My marriage had been a sham from the very beginning. No matter how hard I worked for his love, he never gave it to me. He was and is a very good actor, for he had pulled the wool over, not only, my eyes but also my families, for all those years.
He divorced me just shy of forty two years of marriage. His sexual desires are ever seeking to be fulfilled. His five, plus, year affair ended abruptly when he was found to be unfaithful to her! To the best of my knowledge he was faithful to me, physically, for 35 to 36 years of our marriage. But he had always been unfaithful to me in his thoughts.
So. How did I push him away? What did I do or, not do, to cause him to commit adultery? Where is his accountability?
Mary Jane, The biggest motivator for change for anyone is the pain response. Without feeling any pain (ie. consequences for actions) most adulterers and/or porn addicts do not change. You didn’t push him away or cause him to commit adultery as the whole article says, you can’t MAKE anyone do or not do anything. We all have choices. Those were his choices.
Well written and dead on!
I hate those articles about “affair proofing” your marriage. If I believed them, then I’d have to blame myself for my ex-husband’s serial adultery.
And although I am an impefect sinner, I didn’t fail at marriage or fail to “affair proof” it. My ex made choices to stonewall me, gaslight me, abuse me and cheat on me. He failed me and our marriage.
Yes, the “affair-proof your marriage” articles. I’ve seen a lot of those over the years. Tried that advise but it doesn’t work with a narcissistic abuser. He doesn’t need any more reasons to blame his wife for his actions that ruin the marriage.
I am so glad that you wrote this. For the longest time I put up with things that I never should’ve in my attempts to be a good Christian and to do the right thing. Through our separation and divorce and believe me I prayed I realized that God loved me and was actually rescuing me from a bad situation. The proverb – if you rescue an angry man from the consequences you will have to do it again- How many wives end up paying the consequences for their husband’s sins because there is no accountability. I realized to late that it wasn’t a marriage problem we were having but a problem with addictions. I hate pornography as it demoralizes both men and women. It certainly was an aspect that helped destroy our home. I didn’t want a divorce- I wanted a different marriage, but I am not responsible for his choices and me being “accommodating was the absolute worst thing to do in our situation. Thank you Jen for speaking the truth! Blessings!
Yes, I agree! A lot of women absorb the consequences of their husband’s sin, for him to do it again and again.
Yep, I wanted a different marriage but I would need a different man to have that, so divorce was the only option. You’re welcome! Glad to encourage other women who had similar marriages and had to get out.
I felt such freedom when, after many agonizing struggles with my heart, and my mind, the Lord gave me peace to seek a divorce from my husband. It was like a door was opened showing me a life that I had forgotten existed. I did not realize that I had been living in a cage. That my husband had been controlling me with emotional abuse. Religious(a lot of submission, and satisfying his needs), emotional abuse. Once I let go of the guilt I had, of feeling happy for my freedom, I could see a ray of hope for a new life ahead.
A short time later, when my husband and I attended one session of marriage counselling, I spoke up and told him that I was free and I was not going back into the cage.
As painful as this journey has been, I am so very thankful my Lord set me free, to worship Him, and to serve Him with gladness once again.
I’m glad you were set free too!
I have been divorced for a little over a year from my husband of 37 years. Porn and alcohol ruined our marriage and the lies he told me to convince me that it was Ok between 2 married people makes me throw up. He would say after so many years of marriage we needed spice so he could get it up. He would really run friends’ wives down if he didn’t think they were putting out so of course I didn’t want to be like them. I can’t believe that I lowered myself so much to please him sexually. I am so grateful to God for pulling me out of that slimy pit. Our marriage was totally about sex and drinking and pleasing him. I had to dress a certain way, keep my weight at 140, and not do the boring things I love like reading and playing piano. Church was just what was done because that’s what we do in this town. He was good at talking the talk and quoting the Bible when it was to judge someone else but NEVER applied it to his own life. I guess the most important thing I want to say is that God has forgiven me for all the filth that was in our marriage. I know my ex introduced it and promoted it but I was accountable for me and I turned my back on my Lord. I put my sick marriage on the throne instead of God. Praise God that He has given me a new life where I can have a relationship with Him that is real. My slate has been wiped clean. I think your website is great and has a lot of insight-shedding light on some very dark things that are finally starting to be talked about. Thank you!
I know you are NOT alone in any of that, Lavonne. I shared this in an article I wrote as well as a video I recorded on YouTube about why it’s so hard to divorce a narcissist. They keep us entangled by manipulating us into doing things we know aren’t right at the time but they’re so convincing that it will be good for the marriage. I did things I’m not proud of either. But, God does forgive and cleanse us of all unrighteousness when we expose it to Him. Everything brought into the Light, even darkness is forgiven. Also, shame has no control when we bring it all out in the open. Thank you for being so brave to share your story. (Edited to correct typos)
The emotional unraveling of my marriage has been hard work. I too was married to a covert narcissist. He was my 2nd marriage and my high school sweetheart. When I ran into him we were both married. I literally prayed for God to remove my feelings for him as I knew it was sinful. We ended up leaving both of our marriages to be together. I have rationalized this to no end. The fact is, it was wrong. We married and raised all 6 of our children together. The first 10 years were bliss. Then he was caught soliciting women on Craig’s list by my teenage kids. From this point forward his emotional abuse worsened. He never took responsibility. Viewed it as “I needed some attention”. Which I bent over backwards to provide throughout my near 20 year marriage. He never stopped flirting and reaching out to other women. He was consumed with his ego and being a CEO of a company, abused his power.
I believed I deserved his infidelities because I KNEW he was capable. This is what kept me in the marriage and as hard as I tried to deter him, nothing worked. Talk about an emotionally abusive relationship built on shame & guilt~this was it.
End result, I learned a very valuable lesson. God did not direct me to this man. I put my needs over a lot of other important people and it was selfish. I’ve really struggled with justifying my involvement with this man and being at peace. I am “the other woman” and regret the decision I made in my thirties. I didn’t deserve the eventual treatment he delivered however, a lot of people would snicker and say I did.
Today I focus on self care and if I could reach out to women who think having an affair is “okay”, I would love to differ. It was what turned into a holy terror nightmare. Men who leave marriages based on sexual desires will rarely stop fishing. If a relationship is based on infidelity, it’s a big fat OKAY to extramarital sex and deceit. Supreme foolishness on my part. Lesson learned.
“Men who leave marriages based on sexual desires will rarely stop fishing.”
I totally agree! Thanks for sharing!
I am so glad the Holy Spirit led me to this website as I look for healing in my life. I never realized that I was still ashamed and blaming myself for not being good enough and have been suffering from the sin of divorce. Church and society has taught us to look down on divorce and it seems like it’s the woman who suffers the most regardless of the cause.
I admit that I have made bad choices in life but now that I have been saved by the blood of Christ, I’m trying hard to be a good person but the thought of ever getting into a relationship again scares me and brings back memories of what I would be expected to do to please the man I’m with and I don’t want to be that person anymore.
I wish I could find a good Christian support group to help me through this issue in my life.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, this is so refreshing and new to me!
God bless you!
Hi Angela, I pray you find a support group too. I do have my Patreon page (patreon.com/jengrice) where ladies can help pray for and encourage one another. Otherwise, there is a list of groups on my resources page (jengrice.com/resources).
Hi Jen…thanks for another great article. I stayed in a sick marriage of 21yrs because I believed the lies. I knew in my heart something was wrong but I allowed his lies and the voice of some people in the church and my wrong idea’s of what a christian wife should be…. to get in the way. Pornography will destroy marriages. I was married to an addict that had many women in his head. It was not just the two of us in the marriage. I settled for so little just to be the good christian wife. I was told I was fat, needy and unattractive. I was compared to other wives that put out for their husbands. I was manipulated into believing that my husband was the broken one and I needed to help him…after all I am the help mate right? YUK! Do you know who told me that? it was mostly men counselors that sold me those lies….so what about me? What about my legitimate needs in the marriage? I had a right to want to be the only women in the marriage. To be loved and cared for. I have so much to give and all I did was keep giving and giving and he kept taking and taking. Well it finally dawned on me that I was tired. I had put up with his shinanigans for long enough. I’m better on my own. Now that he is gone I have a much better quality of life. Yes I am sad it ended this way but I have written down in my journal all the reasons why I wanted out and all I have to do it get it out and read it to remember how miserable I was. The ending of my life will be the best because it will not include him.
Amen, Karen! Such great advice there. You’re right, you didn’t deserve that! No one does. Men need to learn that women are being abused and they’re not helping by expecting us to do more, love more, and have sex more. That’s horrible advice to give to a couple where the husband is a self-centered human being. I’m glad your life is better. It is sad… who wants to go through a divorce? But on the other side there is peace!
What if my husband cheated due to my alcoholism. I am now in recovery, almost 10 months. The last five to seven years have been full of pain, embarrassment, hurt, etc….I have put him through alot. He was never a great source of encouragement and support and to this day, still is not. While I understand his cheating is his choice I still feel somewhat guilty.
What if the tables were turned? Would you have been given an excuse to commit adultery? Or would you have been a supportive spouse and waited patiently while he was in recovery?
Should they leave you because of behavior like drinking? I feel like I’ve been in a downward spiral for years, but idk if it’s the marriage or just me.
I may be a little confused, but if you’re drinking and your husband asserted boundaries asking you to seek help and you didn’t then he has a right to leave. NOW… that does NOT excuse adultery! If the excuse is he “cheated because of your drinking” then that’s an EXCUSE and blameshifting! A separation may be warranted for drinking or any other out-of-control behaviors by any spouse… but that doesn’t mean run to another person for comfort! Never! Ever! My point to Pamela was would you cheat if your husband had a drinking problem? Probably not. Then, why does that give him a “right” or excuse to commit adultery?
Yes, I know I would have stood by him from the start, even told him so. Thank you!!
Hi Jen….I read so many of the other comments. It’s so sad to me. I was in the same boat. I have been separated for two yrs. At the time I asked him to leave with the intention of a goal of reconciliation but I found out three days later he was making plans to move back home. It’s about an 8 hr drive. My ex brought porn into the marriage and after many yrs of trying counseling (addiction, Christian and secular) nothing changed. He was still indulging in porn and lust for other women when he walked out the door 21 yrs later. I too was fed the lie that if only I would be something other than myself then he’d stop. We were caught between a rock and a hard place because I found out about the 17 yr mark that he found me fat (he said that in a counseling appt while I was sitting there) and later at a Christian marriage conference on the way home he said I was basically unattractive. So that explains why we didn’t have a sex life. He had issues with sleep so he slept in another room for yrs lusting and masterbating to porn. My heart ached while we were together. Honestly being it in. I never realized how sick it was. Praise God the marriage is over. I’m getting lots of help and support to break free from that sick way of thinking.