When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
The person you were when you were married?
Do you see… and hear…
“Divorced?”
“Flawed?”
“Failure?”
“Unable to ‘keep’ your husband?”
“Unloved!?!“
“Unworthy of love?”
“Worthless?!”
Before I send you into a downward tailspin into depression, with my words, I’ll stop there. I am sure you have no trouble coming up with these words on your own. Maybe they replay in your head. Maybe they have a distinctive voice to them (not mine!). Maybe they are the lies you believe about yourself.
How do these thoughts make you feel?
Do you ever feel like, because of your divorce, you have let God down?
Maybe you wonder if He looks at you with disappointment?
Feeling like you are to blame for your children’s pain?
Your family’s shame?
Let everyone down?
Oh, how this guilt is heavy. It weighs on your soul… and affects your every day.
Divorce is not a character flaw.
That “flawed” feeling that you have… that’s not from God.
I believe it is very natural, and healthy, to go through a divorce and look at where you could have done better, tried harder, and put in a little more effort. I get that!
This self-reflection helps you to grow as you heal so that you are healthy if you decide to give marriage another try. Or just in all relationships in general (might as well learn how to be authentic, right?). This work you do for yourself is not to say you were to blame for the break-up of your marriage. No one is perfect, and we can all say we could and should have done things a little differently, in our past.
What I’m saying is, it’s not healthy to say, “I am flawed because I am a divorced woman.” Divorce is not the definition of your character. “Divorced” does not mean defective. Nor does it mean, “unloved,” “unworthy,” or “a disappointment to God.” A divorce is something that happened in your life. But it does not define your whole life.
Each person can decide if they want to grow through this season of divorce or if they want to let it allow them to move away from God, and become bitter. I believe that happens when we let the guilt and shame take over… instead of letting Jesus move in.
So that’s why I believe it is so important to work on your relationship with Jesus, while healing your heart, first after divorce.
But is my shame warranted?
During my marriage, and through a couple “Christian” marriage counselors, I was led to believe that my husband’s infidelity was my fault. That if only I had been available enough, or done some kind of hoop jumping, there would be no straying away from the vows. That is a lot of shame and guilt to throw onto an innocent party.
Was it warranted?
NEVER!
Looking back I can understand how my insecurities (lack of value), and naivety, caused me to accept the blame and shame as my letter to bear. But I have since learned that is just more emotional and spiritual abuse when you add in what the pastors (and others) had tried to guilt me into believing.
I now wholeheartedly believe that God, being the fair and just judge that He is, sees a guilty party and an innocent party in most cases of divorce, especially in a Christian marriage. God is the first witness to all of the sin and abuse that goes on behind closed doors. He knows the truth. Every little detail, every thought, every hint of deception, and every hidden abuse.
Because of this, the shame does not belong to the person with integrity, fidelity, honesty, and righteousness. In this case, divorce is NOT a sin. Divorce is something that either happened to her, unfairly, after the vows were already broken. Or it is something that needed to happen to save what self-worth she had left.
Guilt is the objective experience of being guilty, and shame is the subjective experience of feeling guilty. – Timothy S. Lane, Freedom From Guilt
What we should do with it.
Unwarranted guilt and shame can lead to divorce depression. But sometimes feeling guilty is just a part of being human – we are all sinners so we should feel guilty. When we feel it, we should confess what needs to be confessed, make repentance where that needs to be made, and place the rest at Jesus’ feet. Of course, if there is some deep sin that needs to be dealt with… then deal with it. But if you are an innocent party, then you do not have to carry that red stain of shame around anymore. It’s not yours to bear! We can throw out the shame… and remind ourselves…
Jesus bore our shame on the cross so that we could live in freedom as a child of God. So if we have totally surrendered our life to God, there is no condemnation. We can lay it all at the cross and proudly move forward… walking in our freedom. Shame and guilt free.
We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. – Hebrews 12:2 NLT {Emphasis mine}
[You May Also Enjoy: Not Our Job to Cover Abuse]
What has helped you to get rid of divorce shame?
God bless your healing journey,
Book Recommendations:
Thank you, Jen! I can still feel the shame you write about, not as often, so maybe I’m getting better! It used to be awful. I used to find comfort in the Bible verse, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Sorry, I don’t know the book and verse number off the top of my head. A counselor even told me once that I was taking on all the shame of my (now ex-husband’s) actions, as if I were to blame for them. I’m sorry you were told you were to blame! That’s an outright lie! A different counselor told me even with manic depression or bipolar or any other mental illness, people still choose to do good or evil. That was an eye-opener for me, as I was explaining away all his bad actions, and making excuses for him. It took me a long time to face the truth. But as you know, the truth will set you free, as Jesus tells us. Thank you for your writing and sharing! Please continue and I’m praying for you?
Hi Tina, I totally agree. Especially with the comment from your counselor… that even the mentally ill can be kind or evil because it’s a choice. The evil can and will find all kinds of excuses – blaming mental illness if they can.
I’m glad God is helping you release that shame. I have as well. 🙂
Thanks for your prayers. And praying for you and all of my readers as well.
Thank you, Jen! I have just started receiving your messages this week, and wow have they all spoken to me. I am in a very similar situation that you were in and your words have given me peace and hope as I navigate this whole horrible situation of separation and divorce and learn more and more about emotional abuse. Thank you!!
You’re welcome, Mary! Glad you found this to be a safe place and thank you for joining us on this journey to healing after divorce. Be sure to check out my YouTube channel too, if you haven’t already. 🙂 http://jengrice.com/YouTube
Hi Jen, I thank God, i found your site. I marry a man i knew five months He told me he was a born-again believer and i believe him although i saw red flags going up i want to give him the benefit of the doubt since he never been married and was near 60yrs old. after we got married he started calling me bad names/cussing me then he would have high and low moods swings and sometimes he would just laugh out for no reasons.He cause so much confusion in my life. He was very controlling and tried to manipulate me but i wouldn’t let him. He calls me the child of the devil and that i destroy the marry because I marrying him just to go on a cruise with him that i never love him. He told me he had prostate cancer and he hopes that it would eat him alive I found out he doesn’t have cancer he told me his hair was falling out which was another lie. call the police on my daughter because he wants her out of the house and told them we tried to poison him which was untrue then he would make up lies and tell people i said somethings which i never said anything about what he was talking about. He is a type2 diabetic and has af fibration which is true.i can say he is a soul killer and very toxic and dark .He told me that he has the discernment of spirit and that God, and him knows about me.he left and went to have his gallbladder check out instead went to VA homeless shelter while still getting his social security check. He tried to get back with me but it didn’t happen because i couldn’t put up with the high and lows so he told me i will be in nursery a home soon and that he is not coming to see me, that i am crazy and he will divorce me soon after he moves to Tenn I believe he has type2 bipolar/narcissist.I can say he is a modern-day Pharisee/ he doesn’t have the mind of Christ.Everything i tried to do for him blows up in my face.He will never seek help because he has a very pride spirit and will reject knowledge especially if it comes from me because he is alright with God, it is i that is crazy and have the big problem. we were married for ten months now separated 18months it been three months since i heard from him after i wrote him a letter telling him i believe he has bipolar.
I’m glad you found my website too. I hope you find some comfort and healing… through Christ’s healing power. I think we all have to learn that trying to get him to see his problem (be it narcissism, addictions, or bipolar disorder) doesn’t work. He doesn’t want to work on himself, he just wants everyone around him to adapt to what he wants and needs in the relationship. I’m glad you are able to get away and work on your healing. God bless your journey.
In 1 week I will be separated from my husband. With 3 children including one of them is a child with special needs. For 1 last year I have undergone an unsuccessful reconciliation to keep our marriage. Me and the kids survived the situation that always frightened us. My husband is an alcoholic who can not see the mistakes he made. I experienced physical and psychological violence. I’m very glad find your blog. Thank you Jen.
You’re very welcome! Glad to have you along on this journey to healing. God is with you!
Amen, sister!
Fortunately, I have been blessed with great support from my church family since D Day 1. The counseling pastor shared this story with me that has really helped and I hope it will help you too..
Imagine a married couple. Both love spending money. He buys boats and the very best outdoor gear and she loves buying designer shoes and handbags. Pretty soon their shopping exceeds their income and they find themselves in massive debt. Overwhelmed by the creditor calls and lack of cash, the husband, without telling his wife, robs a bank. He’s caught and then a whole new chapter of their lives begin.
Is the wife guilty of robbing the bank? Should she be arrested? Should she be tried, sentenced and sent to prison?
NO!
Yes, she contributed to the debt problem. But she had absolutely no role in stealing from the bank.
See the similarities in this scenario to the cheating husband?
No matter what you did or didn’t do as a wife, you never participated in his sin called adultery. You did not deserve your husband’s infidelity.
Hold your head high, ladies! You have no shame in his cheating game.
Thank you for sharing Michelle.