The day I learned my son did not respect me was the day I knew something had to change in our home. It was before my divorce and my son was around 9 years old. We don’t have cable so I knew he wasn’t watching anything worth watching while he sat in front of the TV, schoolwork not completed. As I looked around the house I knew he had not done any of his household contributions either.
I popped my head into the TV room and asked him to turn the TV off. I’m sure I started to explain, yet again, that he knew TV comes after his work is done.
What happened next, sent shockwaves through my system.
That’s when he turned to me with an angry face and proclaimed me to be… “a controlling…” b-word! Yes, he used the real word.
The first step towards healing.
Now, years later I’ve had a chance to read through Lundy Bancroft’s book When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse a couple of times. It’s a lot to digest. We’re still learning. A friend had introduced me to Lundy Bancroft when she gave me her copy of “Why Does He Do That?” shortly after I shared that I thought I might be in an abusive marriage.
Abuse dynamics are not often made clear. And I honestly hadn’t read much about it before this book. I was so confused on what was real and what was in my head. After decades of research working with abusive men, Mr. Bancroft shares with his readers what goes on in the minds of these angry and controlling men.
His books have helped me see things a lot differently. They’ve given me insight into my own past relationships (who I picked as partners and why) and how that relates to how I was raised.
I would like to share with you from this book and how it relates to disrespect from our children. This is information that really can’t be found in too many other places. Mr. Bancroft also gives scenarios of what life is like living with an abuser. He mainly talks about the emotional and psychological (hidden) abuse that goes on in homes because we all know what physical abuse looks like.
It’s about disrespect. (Treating someone less than human)
As more and more research is being done about domestic abuse, they’re finding that what’s actually behind abuse is a man’s underlying disrespect for all women (misogyny).
Disrespect and abuse are almost synonymous…. I have almost never had a client who didn’t exhibit various kinds of contempt, superiority, and demeaning behavior towards his wife or girlfriend – it comes with the territory of abuse, and in many ways is the abuse. Unfortunately, it is next to impossible for children to remain unaware of their father’s core attitude toward their mother…. They hear him interrupt you over and over again or see him laugh at you; they sense that he sees you as beneath him, and they observe that he doesn’t consider your feelings or opinions worth listening to. – Bancroft, Page 30-31
This is something we are still working on, today in my home. I have to remind my son that making me the butt of his jokes is not how we treat someone. That is how you bully someone, not love them unconditionally. At the same time, I have to look at how I treat him. I have to be very aware of how I might be coming off as disrespectful towards him, even if I don’t mean to.
If he views you as hysterical, over time they [the children] may come to have a similar attitude. If they hear him call you a b****, they may learn to do the same. They may start to express their annoyance toward you with the same condescending ring to their voices that he has. – Bancroft, Page 31 [Brackets and ***, mine.]
Here in lies the problem in our home, this stuff is not unlearned as fast as it’s learned. The counselors that we see have only given us a 50/50 chance of correcting these foundational beliefs. It’s a mindset that starts very early. I can’t change the past, but going forward my hope is that we can overcome these wrong ways of thinking and create a healthy environment in which to grow and learn better. This is my daily prayer.
What I’ve done.
Things we do (and you can too) now to overcome the disrespect that used to control our home.
First, let me tell you this is not easy. A lot of days, I struggle and wonder if it really is doing any good at all. Some days, I even collapse and just want to give up when I see little to no change. I’m tired. It’s hard work. But it’s those rare times when I see a glimmer of hope that I hold fast to. Those times when I see empathy towards me, something I rarely saw before. Those times when I’m listened to and respected.
I also hold onto the advice that my son’s counselor and a few others since have said to me. They said…
This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have a long way to go, the test is not until the end.
1.) I immediately got my son into a male counselor. I think he needed a male counselor because he needed to hear from another man that how he was taking his anger out on me, was wrong. He needed to hear that punching anything (even a pillow) when he’s angry was not how to deal with anger. Also, research shows that boys who are raised by single mothers are more likely to grow up to be manipulators and abusers if they’re not taught how to deal with their anger and other feelings. Like Mr. Bancroft makes clear in his books, control is another underlying reason for abusive behaviors in men. They couldn’t control their childhood so now try to control their adulthood.
2.) I surround my son with positive godly male role models. I have several friends (couples) who have allowed us to stay with them for different reasons. To see how they live a normal day. To see how the men deal with their issues or with anger. Both men are calm men. They’ve been a positive example in my son’s life. We often talk about, “how would he (the husband) handle this sort of situation? Would he be calm or would he yell and scream at everyone? Would he get in someone’s face? What does respect look like?”
3.) Point out where women are being mistreated. Look for teachable moments (this goes for anything in life, really). Point out instances of inequality or sexism against women (and men too). Point out situations or instances of disrespect or abuse in other people, on TV or in public. Tell them of the wrong behaviors. And ask them what they think about the situation, especially as they get older. This gives them skills to analyze adult behaviors and to decide for themselves and to see the moral mistakes. Get them on the right side of these social injustices.
4.) Teach boundaries and model them. “Abuse by a husband or boyfriend almost always includes some aspects of disrespecting the woman’s boundaries.” (Bancroft, Page 95) A lack of respect for boundaries (physical, emotional, and sexual) is a huge red flag for future abuse. Teach them to have a voice when it comes to their own boundaries as well as accepting and respecting the boundaries of others. Teach them it’s okay to have feelings, needs, and to protect their own boundaries, even if they differ from yours. Keep communicating and working through boundaries as they grow. Set healthy boundaries in your home. Creating a peaceful and healthy environment. This helps them to feel secure and to get that foundation of boundaries that they need. They may not always like this, and I’ve seen lots of resistance as my son enters his teen years and wants things his way, but continuing with boundaries is what he needs even if it’s not what he wants.
You are not alone.
I know some of you are dealing with these same issues, in your home. I see the statuses on my friends’ Facebook posts and I hear the words you write to me, in emails. These words I write to you… are for those that need to hear this (as well as myself) and for those who need to know that you are not alone. Those who need to know for future reference and those who need hope. I am praying for you.
This is only the beginning… what we’ve done so far. I know it’s going to be a long road ahead… and I pray each day for my strength from the Lord to get me through. Occasionally my son sees me on my knees in the morning… and he asks if I’m praying for him. Some days are better than others. But with God… all things are possible.
[You May Also Enjoy: Child Estrangement After Divorce (Mothers Being Erased)]
Can you relate? Walking this tough road too? Feel free to share your story in the comments.
(Real name is not required.)
God bless this tough healing journey,
Book Recommendations:
Oh my…this!
This puts to words everything I have felt in my heart. Only, I have failed miserably, for mine are all grown, and after seeing all they have, they don’t even realize how deeply engrained it is. Much less the moments that I was also yelled at by him when I tried to correct their disrespect, so I would back away like a coward. 🙁
Lord, help me, I am undone…
Been there… done that too Robin. I didn’t mention my 18 and 20-year-old children… because well… there is nothing that I can do to change how they saw me… and probably how they still see me, today.
I am praying for you!! God is in the restoration business! Hold onto hope!
And I’m praying for all the other women who’ve said similar things in their comments/messages to me in other places… but live in fear to make their comments public.
I’m writing about disrespect today, for my upcoming book for single moms. So much of your post describes what I’ve been dealing with. I’m thankful that my ex left, and I was able to require a level of respect at home; but they still are influenced by his attitude about me. However, the good news is that prayer and faith really do make inroads into this problem. God is greater than anything we face. But it is a knock-down, drag-out fight against the enemy of our kids’ souls!!!
There’s groundwork to be done before we can effectively tackle disrespect. I gained some traction when I understood that my kids’ disrespect was triggering me. This gave me perspective. I also had to root my identity in Christ, not my performance or my kids’ improvement with respect.
I had to keep searching until I found a good counselor who “got it.” I went through five counselors and three pastors before I found one who actually is helping. We drive an hour each way, but it’s worth it.
Hang in there, anyone who is dealing with this heartbreaking challenge with the kids we love. We can’t go wrong with Jesus. Even if we don’t get the results we want (because our kids have free will), we can be sure that God will not waste a thing we go through. He is faithful.
Yes, Columba… all of that… yes! I wasn’t even ready to read this sort of book until I got some of my own personal healing done. Triggers… definitely! Remembering to stay calm, not retreat, and that my child is his own person (not a carbon copy), although it may *feel* that way occasionally. I didn’t write all of that… because I could have gone on for days with this post. But I do plan to write more about this topic of abuse recovery, for myself and for my child, in the future.
I am glad you found your good counselor. I know how hard that is… especially with some pastors. I think ours are doing very well for each of us now. Thank you for your encouraging comment!
My goodness, this is good. Thank you for this. I am sharing it on our Give Her Wings Facebook page.
Thank YOU! May God bless your ministry!
I was mentally, verbally and sexually abused by more than one. I left my second husband thirteen years ago but for my second son the damage was done and I didn’t fully understand until reading your article that by staying in that relationship really destroyed his ability to respect me. He is grown but I know he detests me. I am asking for prayer. I am 44 and he is 24 there is only one way these feelings will change Our Father Jehovah. Please pray!!
I am praying for you Treshea! God is in the restoration business. Keep praying for your son to see the value that you hold. And don’t ever let yourself be devalued again. Walking with you… as I’ve done the same to myself a couple of times. And even if these people never value you again… YOU ARE LOVED and have much value in Our Father God. (((HUGS)))
Thank you for this. I have been disrespected by my husband and, yes, it is being replicated in my teenage son. The level of disrespect has not been as high as what I imagine you went through. However, I have had my ideas laughed at, been interrupted over and over, and had my feelings scorned. To add to the confusion, he is corrected by my husband for being disrespectful to me.
We are a Christian family. I am going to try to find some character building books that include the topic of respect and maybe some examples. I would like my children to know truth. Do you know of any?
Great idea Belle. I wish I did know some books… besides the Bible. If I see anything, I will definitely let you know. Thank you for sharing your story.
Jen, thank you so much for telling your story.
I am 55 and ultimately lost all four of my children to this type of abuse. I homeschooled them on child support, handouts from parents my ex ultimately turned against me, Etsy store, busking, etc.
They didn’t grow up to be good people or I would be proud of how hard I worked instead of wondering what to write on job applications and forms for assistance. I paid nothing into social security, receive no alimony, have no other family or boyfriend, etc. and fall between the cracks of a lot of good programs like lifeline telephone service and the food bank.
You’re welcome! I know it’s a hard road. Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
Jen, thank you for this and other writings ive found of yours. I can totally relate to your story.
I too have been in a terribly abusive marriage but im so glad im now out of it!
Thankfully, I have a daughter, not a son, however, I have been consistently, seriously abused by an older brother from as early an age as I can recall to now…60 years! its disgraceful.
I now have to seek legal advise on a matter, (I cant disclose online).
My late Father was a very decent, honest, quiet, family man so we have no idea where the eldest has had his anger and abusive behaviour from?
This older brother is also very disrespectful and abusive to my very elderly Mother who has health issues. This person, apart from despising my Mother and myself, now seems to despise my daughter and possibly my grandchildren too. None of us have ever done anything to this person.
Ive been freed of that horrendously abusive marriage (enslavement) only to find that im still (and now legally) fighting against abusive male siblings.. its rather sad, but they are shameful.. how they sleep at night is beyond me.. what they are currently doing to me is beyond the pale!…
I can only trust in God to bring justice, peace and protection into my life and that of my Mothers life and my daughters life. Please pray for us.
God bless you and all those who have, or are going through any kind of abuse.
Blessings and love in Jesus to all xx
I wish you well in your journey to free yourself from toxic relationships and family. Thanks for sharing and glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
Hi Jen! I have found so much validation and healing from reading your articles. Thank you for sharing your story in such a relatable way. I’m an dealing with disrespect of my adult child of a narcissistic marriage. My stbx and I have been separated now for almost a year and a few months ago our 20+ year old came to stay with me and never left. I enjoy having here and out of the toxic environment but she doesn’t completely respect me. She has seen years of her father disrespecting me, ridiculing me and I stayed in the marriage for over 24 years because I didn’t want my children growing up in a broken home. I didn’t realize that staying was worse because I didn’t know they could see the dysfunction. I am now dealing with the after math. I am trying to be patient of my adult child because I understand the underlying reasons for her disrespect but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with that from an adult child. Do you have any post which addresses this or any books you could recommend?