I know things are hard.
Really, really hard!
Being a single parent is tough.
Living as “divorced” is not always fun.
And I know it hurts right now.
Sometimes it’s their words… sometimes their actions.
Things not only seem… but they are… downright unfair.
I know you want this to be easy… but it’s not.
It feels like you’re being punished.
Like you’ve done something wrong. Something to deserve all of this struggle. All of this pain… and guilt… and…
Tough. Tough. Tough!
That’s what it is.
You don’t want to have to work two or three jobs… or all of those hours…
Do all the cleaning. Alone. Cooking. Alone. Sleeping…
And…
You don’t want to have to put your kids in daycare or send them to school after homeschooling.
You don’t want to worry about how you’ll pay rent…
But…
Now you’re wondering how you’ll get your vehicle fixed. You need new tires. A new battery.
How you’ll buy new shoes and clothes… the kids are growing so fast.
Wanting and needing so much. And you’ve already heard his sob story about how he’s struggling.
He tells the kids too.
But the kids want to eat out… like with Dad.
And they want to do fun things… like with Dad.
And you’re always grumpy and handing out the consequences. Not like dad.
“Why can’t you be more like dad??” 🙁
No one tells them that you’re doing the best that you can… with what you’ve been given.
No one says “thank you” for all that you’ve done… and continue to do.
Are you sure I’m not being punished?
No seriously?
This has to be some kind of joke.
But no one is laughing.
Their dad says I’m mean. And controlling. And the children are welcome to come live with him.
He has all the nice things. A new house. A new car. A new love. Life looks so easy for him.
And here we are… fighting this two-person battle… all alone.
It’s seriously not fair.
Not even for a second.
When is my turn? You ask.
When do the blessings start pouring in so that I don’t have to work so hard?
Am I being punished?
Having to check one into the psych ward… and then she decides to go live with your ex.
When she thinks the divorce is your fault… and blames you just the same.
Her teenage attitude. He’s never content.
I know you want your kids to be okay… but they’re not.
You see it with your own eyes. In their out of control behavior.
In their moods. The OCD. The ADHD. And worse.
And… you feel it in your heart.
Your heart breaks.
I know. I know!
Mine too. I’m right there with you.
It hurts. I cry. I get down on my knees.
Why God?
Why?
I wish I had the answers.
I don’t.
I don’t know why so many have to struggle, while others seem to pass right through unscathed.
I don’t know why this life is so hard.
Or why we were picked to go through this.
Or when it will end… or get better. Or when our blessings will come. If ever.
But faith…
Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them. All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. – Hebrews 11:1; 13-16; 39 NLT (Continued…)
I don’t know if we’ll ever see all the promises fulfilled here on Earth. But I have faith that one day… God has promised us a better place… our heavenly homeland. And we’ll be there… if we keep the faith.
We can trust Him.
Even when it’s hard.
I promise you… you’re NOT being punished!!
You’re not being punished because I’m not being punished. Neither of us is being punished because God’s keeps His promises!
[Also, read 10 Scripture Promises for the Divorced Woman]
Do you feel like you’re being punished? Would you tell someone else they were being punished or would you encourage them that they will get through this just like you did?
God bless your healing journey,
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Thank you, Jen. This was encouraging today.
You’re welcome!
This one is hard for me now. I am two years out from ending a very abusive marriage after finding letters from his girlfriend. He has moved on to girlfriend #3 or 4 but I am struggling to raise two boys who will not talk to him, pay the bills after being a stay at home mother for 20 years. He made good money so him and new honey live very well and travel lots. I was sick when he left so I had two surgeries the first year and the medical bills alone were crushing. The kids are too old for Child support so they get no help with College from Ex, it is all me.
I know I am better off now, I am finally healthy enough to start living a godly and authentic life but how do you get over the sinful “It’s not fair” attitude. How do I not resent the girlfriend living life so good when I was the one that scrimped and saved for years so we would have that nest egg. I was so lonely married but my kids had stability and peace of mind before we found out about his second life.
My mother told me that they use to call women like me Grass widows because they would pick wheat off the ground in the fields after harvest to feed their kids when the their husbands deserted the family. How could God want us to eat the food left for the animals if we were not the ones who sinned? I do not want to be bitter, I pray and struggle daily to keep faith but man it hurts.
I was loyal and loving to someone who did not even exist, and my sons also pay the price for my mistakes.
I really thought I replied to you before now. Sorry about that. I hear you. I sometimes struggled with the same feelings, until I saw the new wife getting treated the same way I did… only way sooner in their marriage. Remember they don’t change, they just adapt, hide, and project to make it look like they’ve changed and it’s all their ex-wife’s fault. Only we now know better!
I believe God does repair and replace all that the locusts took (Joel 2:25)… it just takes time, our faith in His promises, and our patience while we wait. May God bless you richly! Enjoy your peace.
Society needs to adopt your positive attitude and faith Jen. No-one should be punished for the misdeeds of their ex. I used to call my closest sister and ask her to talk to my ex and ask him to please stop his abuse. I thought it might help for him to be outed in some way. I tried everything. But it kills your soul to stay with someone who treats you that way. Our kids will learn over time who took the high road.
I totally agree! Thank you, Kathy. Many blessings to you.
Hi Jen
I chanced upon your blog n wanted to say it really helps me alot for what I’m going through. After only a few months from D day he married the OW.
The bible says God is love and He forgives. Does that mean he can escape from the sins when he decides to ask God for forgiveness and pledge not to do wrong towards his new wife? I mean if we based on the Word, should he decides to ask God for forgiveness and be faithful to his new wife, God will still forgive and forget his sins. He doesn’t need to go through any sufferings like I did. Both of them did wrong towards me but seems like they can escape from the consequences of their actions.
I’ve been questioning to myself- Is God really fair? 🙁
I don’t think anyone escapes from their sins, especially not on judgment day. Only God knows the heart of every person. But we know people by their fruit. Someone who merely says they’re sorry and moves on like nothing happened is not showing the fruit of a heart filled with grief over what they have done. God is fair. He gives all of us plenty of time to get things right by Him and make amends with others. But those who do not show by their actions that they truly are repentant for things that they’ve done will face their Creator – a just God.
Thank you for this. I’ve been divorced for awhile, going on 8 years. However, the struggle with loneliness has been an up and down roller coaster. All but one of my children are grown and pretty much on their own. The day will come when they are all independent. Then what? It makes me angry that my ex has had one relationship after another, getting by just fine, seeming to have no care in the world.
Just this morning I prayed asking God if I missed my chance of having a godly marriage. If I had used up the opportunities I had been given. As someone who longs for the companionship, tag team partner style that a good marriage can have it breaks my heart to think it might not happen. But, even still, I will worship Him. I have to. I can’t imagine trying to navigate this time in my life without Him.
You’re welcome! I know divorce can feel like a lonely time, even with a strong dependence on God, but I hope you know you’re not alone. May God bless you and give you the desires of your heart as you move on to the next steps after healing.