First, let me say… I’m sorry…
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I’m so sorry for how you feel. For your broken heart. For the load that you are now carrying. I know it’s hard. I know you feel all alone.
I know when you walked down that church aisle, years or decades ago, you never thought you’d be called, “divorced.” I know it’s like a scarlet letter of shame. A mark that you feel you have to bear. I know, no one says it. But you feel it.
You feel like you no longer have a place. You no longer fit in. At church. In the homeschool crowd. That divorced title makes you feel so dirty, so unwanted, and so unworthy of anyone. Maybe you feel like a failure, and constantly replay those last moments in your head.
Should I have done something differently?
Could I have saved my marriage?
Was it all my fault?
Maybe people sided with your ex. Friends and family often “pick a side.” Maybe he got to your friends, family, and church… first and now they blame you for everything.
Maybe being around so many married couples are just more than you can handle, so you stay away. Maybe those couples don’t want you around. You feel contagious or something. Maybe you feel you don’t know where your support system went.
Conversations have now become awkward. People just don’t know what to say to you anymore. So they say very little. Maybe you feel all conversations end with you in tears.
While you are curled up in the fetal position, at home alone, trying to stop the crying, while no one is calling. No one is stopping by to check on you. People you had once called friends don’t answer their phones anymore. Don’t return your emails.
No one sees your grief the same as someone dealing with death… although it is a death. There is no “care calendar” for you and your abandoned kids.
You just keep hearing, we are praying for you.
People who have said they “love you” now don’t even acknowledge your existence.
I know that hurts. I know that feels like you are being abandoned again, and again.
I know you lay alone in your bed at night and think, “I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay!“
I know the cross you carry is heavy.
You cry out, “God, how am I going to make it? You’ve trusted me with WAY too much! I’m so very tired.”
This is why God designed parenthood to be two people raising children. Single parenthood is not His plan. This is why He hates divorce. He hates how this hurts innocent victims.
One person should never have to deal with this kind of devastation. Often too much to bear.
Take Heart.
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. – Psalm 31:24 NIV
God has a plan for all of this.
Jesus will heal your hurts.
Jesus restores and redeems.
He heals the brokenhearted.
He will fill your heart with joy and gladness.
The Lord says, ‘I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.’ – Joel 2:25a NLT {Emphasis mine.}
‘In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,’ says the Lord. – Isaiah 66:9a NCV {Emphasis mine.}
God will use everything that you’ve been through. There are plans for all your trials. It may seem hard to hear this and to accept right now, but God will bring glory out of all of this. He plans to work this all out. It all has a purpose.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. – Romans 8:28 NLT
God also uses what you’ve been through to bring you closer to Him and to develop your character. To be more like Him. He loves you and He wants to be number one in your life.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. – Romans 5:3-5
But also remember, if you are struggling right now… it’s okay to struggle! Job struggled (I love that Book), David struggled (a lamenting Psalmist), Joseph struggled (in jail waiting for his redemption) and more.
They bruised his feet with fetters and placed his neck in an iron collar. Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph’s character. – Psalm 105:18-19
Hold tight to His promises. He cares for you. All you need is Jesus. He will provide everything you need and walk with you through this trial and bring you into His glory.
I am praying for you.
The Holy Spirit intercedes on your behalf, as well.
God bless your healing journey,
This is so me … It was like I was reading what I think and feel…omg this is so very much me … Prayers needed …
Prayers sent, Mandy!
At a Christian women’s blogging conference last fall I started having a conversation with a fellow single mom. She literally took a step back when I commented that it’s so rare to find another divorce mom in the church environment.
“Oh! I’m not divorce! I’m a widow!” she clarified. Yep.
It was a painful moment, feeling like she was a better person/Christian/mom than I because she wasn’t d…d…divorced. But it was a good experience, too. Because a few months later when a never-married single mom came to our church, and I scoffed (inwardly, but I did scoff none-the-less) the Lord quickly brought that pain to mind, and reminded me that I was not a better single mom just because I was married when I had my kids.
Great point, Jenna. I recall reading, maybe you wrote it, a blogger writing about a similar situation. I’ve heard from many divorced women who often stay away from church after their divorce for these very reasons.
As I’ve been sitting in my room, crying for hours because I’ve been so recently rejected by some of my married Christian friends since my separation with my husband, I came across your blog when searching online for Christian single mom support groups. I’ve never felt so abandoned and alone in all my life. Even though my husband was not only un-faithful but extremely abusive for 15 years, I’m still getting the cold shoulder from women in my church. So, thank you for writing this blog and giving me the first glimmer of hope that Jesus still loves me, supports me and understands why I’ve done this. Thank you for giving me a sense of community that there are others out there who have gone through this. I truly love Jesus and believe me , it was my love for him that kept me in my marriage so long not wanting to commit a sin in divorcing my husband. I just kept praying that God would change him, heal him, but when he turned his abuse on our teenage daughter one day, that was the last straw for me. I can use all the support I can get to get through this, I appreciate this blog so much.
You’re very welcome! Glad to have you as part of this community of survivors and thrivers after abuse and divorce. God bless your healing journey!
I’ve been separated from my husband for more than two years now. We’d been separated at times in the past also due to his abuse and mental illness (mania, depression, and psychosis). I’ve prayed for a miracle: for him to take responsibility for his mental health and abusive behavior and get professional help in these areas so that our family could be reunited and our marriage reconciled. Also for me to be able to trust him again, since his words and behavior have completely destroyed my ability to trust him or feel safe with him. We also have three young children.
He recently filed for divorce. I’ve sought Christian counsel and know I’ve done everything in my power to make our marriage work. But there is still shame and embarrassment over how others will view me as a divorced mom. I have been struggling in my faith too. I felt strongly that God had called me to be a stay at home mom, and I’ve loved being able to be a stay at home mom. But I don’t see how that will be possible going forward. My husband recently quit his job and he already wasted all of our savings while in an extended manic episode. He’s even told me things like, “I hope you and the kids struggle in poverty for the rest of your life.”
This just hurts so much. Christian friends have not been very supportive of what I’m going through. All I see is their judgmental attitude toward divorce.
I am divorced an both me and my x husband are re married and we do parent fairly ok . I do have a question my X mother in-law has spread lies about my own mother and is very disrespectful to my husband . It is my job to schedule time for her to see her grandchildren or would that be the responsibility of my x husband. I want the boys to see her however I feel it’s not my responsibility to have her over to pick up the kids at my home especially since she is very rude to me and my husband. I feel my x husband should be the one to plan time with his mother and the kids and if he wants to pick the kids up on extra days to hang out at his house with his mother I have no problem with that . For some reason He feels I should be the one in contact with his mom to schedule this , am I wrong in feeling that it’s not my responsibility to stay in contact and schedule all this with his mother?
I’m of the opinion that all “rules for visitation” (or the parenting plan) are according to that written court order. I tell my clients to stick strictly to that order – any deviations will be taken advantage of and/or abused. If there is nothing in writing saying YOU HAVE TO contact her to set up times for grandparent’s visits, then you don’t have to. You can’t be held in contempt unless it’s in a court order. The court order is the law! Anything outside of the order is “do so at your own risk!” I hope that’s helpful!
Thank you it’s very helpful. I have been feeling bullied and it’s not that I don’t want the boys to see their grandmother. I just personally do not want to have to her at my house.
I needed to read this. I have been a member of my church my whole life. When my husband of 17 years abruptly decided he didn’t want to be married anymore and dumped me and our three daughters, I got a lot of “I’ll pray for you” and “call me if you need anything,” but mostly they were empty words and a lot of people acted like I am contagious. There aren’t small groups or plans for “single again” moms like me nor are there plan Bs when you tell a pastor that your ex has also dumped the church, the faith, his job, and reconciliation isn’t a possibility. It is so lonely and so hard.
All of these comments resonate with me. The church i have attended for decades, where I was married, does not know how to love divorced moms. My husband was abusive and unfaithful. My church does nor know how to handle that either. I am so alone and so afraid that I always will be