I don’t have an issue with anger. Anger is not the problem. What you do with it, is. Too many women stay stuck in that angry “phase” after abuse and divorce. Many other websites, although helpful to understand the toxic marriage you were in, keep you trapped in the cycle of anger, frustration, and resentment, which doesn’t heal the trauma because you’re still reliving it over and over again. You may be learning but you’re not healing the core issue.
In his book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle states, “Where this is anger there is always pain underneath.”
What feelings are you holding on to that manifest as anger? Is that doing anything for you? Could holding on to anger damage your future, including future relationships?
For the first couple of years after my divorce, I held tightly to anger like a security blanket. I thought that I had to feel the anger, especially when I had to be around my ex-husband, in order to stay safe from even wanting him back. If I was angry I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative tactics. I wanted to break free from his manipulation, I just didn’t yet know how.
You may have heard of the Anger Iceberg. It was created by a team of researchers at The Gottman Institute. It is a visual representation of the idea that anger is the outward displaying emotion with many underlying emotions or pains that no one sees. Anger is a secondary emotion to pain, fear, sadness, shame, guilt, and many other feelings. I felt all these things after my divorce but when I thought about the abuse, gaslighting, and triangulation, I wanted to be angry. I wanted justice for all that I had put up with and the pain that it caused.
The cost of not dealing with your anger.
There may be benefits to holding on to the anger. Like not going back into the abusive or adulterous marriage you just left. That was my excuse for a very long time. I had gone back before. Our marriage was reconciled after several affairs. But I didn’t want to do that again. This was his pattern and I was stupid to think it wouldn’t happen again. I was angry at him but I was angrier at myself for believing the lies.
I was making myself angry so I didn’t have to deal with the pain. This is what we do. We think it’s harmless or needed. We hide away or numb our feelings and emotions so we don’t have to deal with them. We pretend the emotions don’t exist hoping they will go away with time. But they don’t just go away. You have to expose them, go through them, and then release any revenge or justice you are seeking to God to handle.
Waiting around to see revenge, karma, or justice.
Revenge is too heavy of a weight to carry. You start to feel hopeless and helpless when you don’t see him “getting what’s due to him.” The heaviness can overtake you while sneaking into all areas of your life. It’s destructive to hold onto anger. You start to internalize that anger and becomes part of you, which makes it hard for you to live in peace.
Never repay anyone evil for evil. Take thought for what is right and gracious and proper in the sight of everyone. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. –– Romans 12:17-19 AMP
Yes, a man will reap what he sows but don’t sit around waiting and watching for it to happen. You’ll miss out on so many things. Plus, haven’t you heard, a watched pot never boils. You have to get on with your life and leave room for God’s judicial righteousness. He will repay. And give back all that was taken from you.
No room for God’s healing in your life.
While living with anger and resentment in our daily life we’re not free from the abuse or adultery, we’re still stuck back there in the early days of getting out. We may not even know we’re so angry. Instead, we just keep rehashing the pain and destruction over and over, hoping it will all go away. But pain doesn’t stay hidden, it comes out when you least expect it, in ways you can’t even imagine, causing even more destruction to relationships that you may have wanted to keep.
In this line of work, putting myself, my story, and my opinion out for the world to scrutinize, I see the anger that many women have because of the pain, hurt, shame, and sadness they experience. They lash out at me for not saying exactly what they need to hear, not saying it how they would say it, or for not sharing their exact story. They project their emotions out as anger on me for what I say or write, like somehow that will fix their problem. They try to control others in order to control their world. And they think if they control their world then the pain will stop and there will be no future pain. But that’s just not reality! That anger only keeps people (and God) from connecting with them. We run away from angry people!
If we want to BE FREE and move forward after the pain of abuse, adultery, and divorce we have to allow for God’s healing and restoration into our lives. God wants us to be healed and thrive. He calls us to “get well” just like the paralyzed man in John 5. Jesus met this man at the pool in Bethesda. This man was hoping that just being close to the waters would heal him. But after 38 years of waiting, he had given up hope. He had fallen into victim mode, just waiting for his life to end, until He met Jesus that day and was healed.
Embracing Jesus and accepting His healing, like the paralyzed man, means letting go of the excuses you create to stay stuck in the angry and hurting phase of divorce. No more victim mentality. And letting go of any justice you hope to see or inflict; then embracing the future after divorce.
No Time for God’s purpose for your life.
When a person is so stuck in their anger, not allowing God’s healing, they also leave no room for what God is doing in their life. It’s hard to hear God and follow His path if we’re always finding ways to be angry at the past. Don’t get me wrong there is a time and place for that. But then there is also a time for healing.
There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw away stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to keep silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.
–– Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 {Emphasis Mine}
There is a time for everything. There is a time for reading all the abuse education and recovery books, a time for following all the abuse websites, Facebook pages and groups, watching all the narcissist videos, and joining the memberships that meet to discuss abuse. Then, there is a time to put them all away and embrace God’s healing and the future He has planned for you.
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts His blessing and favor], who called you to His own eternal glory in Christ, will Himself complete, confirm, strengthen, and establish you [making you what you ought to be]. –– 1 Peter 5:10
’For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’ –– Jeremiah 29:11
Are you ready for your redemption and restoration story?
God wants to redeem and restore your life after divorce! He has a plan and a purpose (Romans 8:28).
Do you feel as though your life is harder than most people’s because you’ve been through a divorce? Do you wonder what life storm will come through next and knock you off your feet, yet again? Do you need help thriving after divorce but just don’t know how to get there?
Jen Grice experienced all this after divorce. She wanted to trust God and all of His promises yet struggled to stay strong. Thriving seemed impossible when she was working through so many emotions and just trying to survive. She wanted to see quick redemption and restitution for all that was lost. And God came through.
This 8-week (forty days) Bible study is a faith-strengthening journey that will guide you through the healing of your raw emotions and the rediscovery of your faith.
You’ll find a place of rest in your understanding of:
- God’s presence and deep love for you
- Your identity, gifts, and calling
- His restoration and renewal process
- His ability to give you a fresh start
You can become deeply rooted in God’s love and acceptance. You are His masterpiece, and He has a divine purpose for your life. You only need to keep taking the steps forward on the journey. Through renewed faith, redemption, and restoration, you will find you can become a woman of fearless faith and purpose after divorce.
Where are you on this divorce restoration journey? What has held you back from moving forward and embracing your future after divorce?
May God bless your healing journey!
Related Posts:
- 6 Steps to Find Peace After Divorce
- Move Past Bitterness (Trusting God After Divorce)
- Forgiveness: Handing Justice Over to God
I met my ex @ 17 was engaged by 19. I was warned about his laziness. Money didn’t matter to me then. Three years ago I divorced him after 30+ yrs of financial debt w/ unbearable stress. He went to work every day, just didn’t make money. He mostly had commissioned jobs. I just couldn’t take it anymore. We didn’t even have a savings account! Literally not one penny! I was working but it just wasn’t enough. My divorce lawyer said he would be looking for a “nurse, a purse or both”. I fully expected him to remarry. He started looking within 6 months as far as I knew and he’s now been married over a year. We would have been homeless and much more had my parents not helped me/us. They pretty much paid for everything for our only child. I am so glad to be free from that weight!!! I get angry when some well meaning person shares information about him such as he’s on his second new car since the divorce or he bought a fishing boat. My parents had bought my last 3 used cars. They would have bought him one as well but I said no. It appears that he’s making quite a bit of money either bc of the current economy or having his “purse” bringing it more than I did or…. Originally I truly had wished him well. The anger rears its ugly head when I think of the financial crisis I lived in and now he’s taking vacations, traveling, new cars and toys…
I’m doing good now that I’m not supporting him, just myself. I’m happier than I ever been in my life. I had no idea how freeing it would be having that financial burden lifted all bc he was so incredibly lazy. He was excellent at being “busy” just never with anything that brought money in.
Our son sees him for what he is. And isn’t. I chose not to speak negatively about my ex to any one other than my parents and my 3 closest friends. They all saw what he was like so I didn’t really have to speak a word anyways.
I took 3 years to decide if I wanted to divorce him. When I went to tell my son my decision his response was “I thought you should have done it a long time ago “.
Of course my ex refused to take any responsibility in the failure of the marriage. Instead he spread rumors about me saying that he “suspected” I had an affair. Which I didn’t. Never mind he didn’t make money, I spent too much. Uh excuse me, making a grand total of $3,000 for one year is not about me spending too much.
I’ll be ok. Things are so much better!!! God is my defender and the truth will be revealed by Him.
Thank you for addressing the issue of anger is from hurt not addressed. I need to be rid of the hurt he caused by putting us into such a financial mess and now having what appears to be financial success. Now with the issue identified I can do that!!!
So glad you are doing well and not having to support him, Susan. Of course, they are going to spread an untrue narrative to cover up the truth. But the truth always comes out. God will reveal all and all will see, you just have to be still and wait.
Where am I on this divorce restoration journey?
Truth is, I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve made good, healthy progress. I am not screaming any more, though I do occasionally raise my voice over frustrating things…that don’t necessarily have to do with the divorce. I don’t cry and sob much at all. I have almost gotten my potty mouth back under control. I smile sincere smiles again. I sleep well. Conversations with friends no longer have to be all about me…I stop and consider what they’re going through and ask good questions. I have supportive, compassionate, God-fearing friends who are willing to both call me out on my crap and be unconditionally loving. I’ve had a pastor flat-out, in front of the church and while anointing me for prayer, tell me it is NOT my fault. That what he did was WRONG. You have told me it’s NOT my fault. Other writers have confirmed the same. (But I still wrestle with that.) I have a Christian fellow from my very distant past interested in me (romantically), who is willing to wait and keep his distance (physically and emotionally) until I’m more stable, and who is very helpful and kind and firm in his faith. I have a therapist who isn’t afraid to challenge me or disagree with me. She makes me think. I have a church family who – so far – have loved me like Jesus…and taught me many things. And – I shouldn’t list or think of Him/Them last, for they are vital and so incredibly important…They are life itself! – I have Jesus, Abba Father and the Holy Spirit.
Sometimes I’m discouraged when I realize my anger / emotional ugliness has, once again, reared its nasty head and I’ve (apparently) allowed it. I’d be more than happy to stamp my emotional ugliness / lack of peace as “normal” or “okay” – given the circumstances – but I know better…most of the time (with the couple exceptions you allude to above), it’s not okay. I have a choice to turn away from the destructive emotions or to ruminate over them…chew on them over and over. Just like I have the choice to avoid the cookies or indulge in a dozen at once. It’s my choice. The cookies don’t force themselves down my throat and the anger/ugliness doesn’t just overpower my self control…I make a choice about each.
I am over a year out from discovering the affair and am not officially divorced yet. He filed just shy of a year ago…quite quickly. That hurt. I was absolutely tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage. He and his family actually had it in their head (I saw the text messages) that I would bow my head in shame, tuck my tail, and leave as fast as I could. It’s like no one ever knew me. At all. They had no idea how strong I was. It was insane. This lifelong “Christian”, church-attending family were thoroughly convinced that I was the only problem, that his departure was absolutely justified, and that his decision to literally jump headlong into an affair with a woman 12 years his junior [and who, due to her position, had intimate knowledge of his (attractive) financial status] was something that they should support and create a cheering section for. No matter that I was his third (and assumed I’d be his last…because the other two had stepped out on and left HIM) wife…the THIRD person he’d pledged to love, honor and all that other wonderful stuff…’til death do us part. I seriously never did anything to his family to cause such screamingly fast abandonment except that I was dismissed by him. I didn’t make him happy. I dared to suggest that he wasn’t perfect and point out things I needed (emotionally) that he didn’t care to acknowledge. I dared to be brutalized (instead of remaining stoic and brushing it under the rug) by his lies (long before the affair) – especially about pornography. I knew I didn’t fit into their way of life…I knew I was an odd bird, so to speak…but I never dreamed I was *so* odd that the moment the opportunity came to toss me overboard, that they’d all rally to do so. I thought there was a modicum of morals, love, and fairness (?) among them. Oh my, no. That was brutal…and only added to his sewage storm.
He had zero interest in reconciliation, counseling, discussion, courtesy, respect, or what God says about adultery. Nothing. This man told me he accepted Jesus into his heart at a church service years ago and faithfully attended church with me for ten years. He wrote a $200 tithe check out to our church a mere two weeks before he consummated his [I call it a “transaction”, not a relationship…she (obviously) agreed to meet his physical and emotional “needs” and he, literally…I have photos of the text message…told her he would “make it worth (her) while”]. He was hellbent on moving on to his new life with the younger mistress who wanted (and did) make him a baby. So now he’ll be 70, and looking like a grandpa (if he’s even still alive), when this child graduates from college.
He resented my assertiveness (we’re both firstborns, but I chose to marry him anyway), but I’m pretty sure the mistress leads him around by the nose. She had to tell him to remove his wedding ring. He then complied. She (or the cackling hens she works with) had to supply him with a phone number for an attorney. He was apparently incapable of finding and pursuing that himself. Mind you, he’s a successful entrepreneur – not stupid at all – by the world’s standards, anyway. He bought her a house (paid cash) and put it in her name. That was brilliant. He’s bought her two new cars so far. The first one was good enough ’til the baby came. Then they had to upgrade to something bigger.
I am working on equitable distribution and my attorney leads me to believe we have time…I need not panic. I am fearful of my tendencies towards disorganization, procrastination and perfectionism – because I let those keep me from getting out of the house we shared for ten years and into my own house (which I had pre-marriage) – in a timely manner. And the longer I stay here, the longer I’m (kind of) emotionally stuck / reminded of what is damaged beyond repair.
And it occurs to me that as I vent here, it’s pretty clear I’m still resentful…since I can still, easily, regurgitate all these annoying details.
I also remain confused…and still in (some) disbelief…and frustrated…and yes…angry. At him for being SO unloving…for being the biggest liar I’ve ever met…for arrogantly and intentionally putting a price tag on me that reads “zero”…worthless. I’m not and I know that, but of all the people we depend on to sincerely care about us, our parents and our spouse are right up there on the list, y’know? And even though I was his third, I made (what I thought was) a well-thought / prayed / investigated / observant / intelligent decision to make him my first (and, of course, I thought, only) husband. And I did so after living some life (I was 41, he was 39). I did NOT feel young and dumb. So there’s likely some seriously battered pride going on there (in my heart), too. And that’s sad.
So my answer to your first question, I guess, could be summarized: “still in process”.
What has held me back from moving forward and embracing my future after divorce?
Practically speaking, getting the divorce “through”, for starters. I have been in no hurry, for becoming an amateur forensic accountant has been daunting. I despise it. I shouldn’t have to do this. I don’t WANT to do this. I was never in it for the money and I completely resent *needing* to be now. He should have made me a reasonable offer instead of forcing me to do the homework, round up the team, and get prepared to kick his (fill in the blank)…all while trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart…figure out what to do with them…and pack, clean, and move…my belongings, my hopes and dreams, and a bunch of domesticated animals…to a new venue. I admit, the time, I think, has served me well…in that it allowed me to slowly re-inflate…after a hard, cold, fast and brutal deflation. But a corner (in the path) is here and I sense – finally – that there’s a real “itch” creeping in…to get moving…get this over with…get where you can breathe and think again…get organized…get motivated…get on with your life.
So up until now, I would also say my emotions have held me back……just like an angry child throws themselves on the floor or their bed and flails and screams and refuses to be distracted from their tantrum? Yeah. That was me. But it’s ending. I have flair-ups, but I’m much more inclined to actually recognize them now…and to try and avert my gaze…distract myself…listen to the Holy Spirit…talk to Jesus…ask a friend for perspective…walk my dogs…refuse to dwell in that yucky place. It’s hard. Because I want justice. [I was SO glad to see you discuss justice…I only recently had that word plunked square into the middle of my thoughts…part of my annoyance and anger is the injustice of what’s happened and my sincere (and right) desire for justice…even if justice is only an acknowledgement / sincere remorse…truth instead of lies. Do I want to see his new plan fail? Oh, yes. Do I want to see him realize what foolish decisions he’s made? Yes. Do I want to see him hurt? Not really. Do I wish him actual physical harm? No. Do I long to see him humbled? Yes! Do I long for truth to absolutely INVADE his life? YES. Do I want him back? Not really. Do I long for *some* kind of civil relationship with him? I’m not sure I do. I just really wish he would see the light. And acknowledge it. And I wish, somehow, that I would get to witness that…from near or far. That, I think, would make me feel better…help me heal. But I – for now – acknowledge that that may never happen. God didn’t promise us “fair” while we’re in these earth suits…doing life with other sinners. In the big picture? Yes. It’s coming. But for now, we deal. We cope. We lean heavily into Him and trust not our own understanding. And for a fiesty, prideful firstborn…that is challenging. But I will not give up.
I also wish I could be certain that *I* have acknowledged, fully, whatever part I played in this awful, awful thing. Whatever heart injury (or injuries) I caused him. I wish I could drop my cynical defenses long enough to actually *feel* – and cry over – and be truly remorseful for – anything I might have done that I should, reasonably, be ashamed of. Then having done so, I wish I could sincerely apologize for those things. I wish there were a book from God (so I’d know it was truth and I’d know it was written with grace and love…*real* love) where I could read the list of things I did wrong and, perhaps, why it was wrong, and what I should have done – according to His will – that would have resulted in a better outcome. And, no doubt, I would finish reading many of those things and turn to God and ask Him HOW in the world to DO that…
And I hope / wish / long to be…mature enough to sit and listen and comprehend when the Great Teacher explains that to me. And obedient enough to do what He recommends…or commands…that I do.
In short, as my therapist has told me, I am tripping over myself. And I think, to some degree, that’s normal. But it’s time to move on and I’m mostly willing. Your post was excellent and God’s timing, of course, was too. Thank you, Jen. For surviving. And then for putting your wings out for the rest of us to come hide under for a bit. And for speaking wisdom into our lives. I, for one, am grateful, not hateful……you’re doing a fantastic and inspiring job of helping us. I wish everyone felt the same way.
Jen, two more things.
Where you said you were “stupid” for going back to your ex, twice? You were not “stupid”. Seriously.
“Gullible”? Maybe. “Hopeful”? Certainly. “Frightened of being alone/divorced/separated/a single mom”? Entirely possible. “Unwise”? That depends on a lot of things. “Naive”? Probably at least a little. But *not* “stupid”. That is such a mean word…we use it on ourselves, most of the time, more than we use it on others. So do us both a favor…to keep me from cringing inside when I read you using that word to describe yourself (for you are precious, and thus, no demeaning words towards you allowed…girlfriends’ rulebook, page 4, paragraph 3) and for you (as yet one more little ‘note to self’ that God purposely, creatively, delightedly…formed you in your mother’s womb…and He loves you as only the best of fathers could…and He would not want you being belittled by anyone, including yourself).
Second, I followed your links to the Gottman website and read about the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness & stonewalling) and the link to the next article on the antidotes for those (respectively: a gentle start up, building a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility, and physiological self-soothing) and had an (almost immediate, and possibly only the beginning of an) answer to my “wish” (prayer?) that I’d written about above (to understand what I’ve done wrong and learn what I can do to improve). I saw myself in that article and cried and had absolute clarity about circumstances where I was guilty of employing the “horsemen” – to the detriment of my marriage. Yes, I certainly saw “his” horsemen, too, but the biggest takeaway was a fresh enlightenment about myself and tools to avoid such dangerous behaviors / attitudes in the future. So you were a part of that. God used you and your blog as a tool to get me to that first chapter in that book I wished for. Thank you.
Thank YOU for your comment. I’m so glad to help and be part of your healing journey. And I agree “stupid” was probably not the best choice of words, but it’s what I used that day when I was writing. We are always learning and evolving into better versions of ourselves. My writing and I are no exception to that. Always looking for new ways to view and say things through my writing. I’m glad you shared so I can learn and grow as well.