Because when you go through, this death-valley-like experience we call divorce, you can choose one of a couple paths. Staying the same is really not an option. Especially if you want deep heart and soul healing.
Life does not end after divorce. Sometimes, it’s a new beginning… full of changes.
God calls you back to Him.
God knows our hearts, ladies.
He knows when our hearts are divided.
If we’re so focused our family’s needs, their happiness, we don’t have a lot of time leftover to make God a priority or to fulfill His purpose.
When God sees this happening, I believe He calls us back into that loving, relationship with Him. He saw where our husbands were standing in the way, so He took us back, to be loved and cared for again. To learn to flourish and be healed again.
This may be hard to accept, but I believe that God often allows the painful divorce to remind us that He needs to be put back in that rightful place as our Number-One-Man.
In this process, we learn to not hold on too tightly to anyone, but God.
[God called me back! I share more in this video.]
Who’s at the center?
While married your husband was probably the center of your world… especially if you were married to a self-centered abuser. I hear this story a lot. I experienced it. There was an imbalance of who was important in the marriage, and who had to put themselves second, or even most times… last.
During my marriage, I thought to be “wife” and “mom” meant that I would naturally come last on the list of importance. At no time did I see me as, “Jen, the individual” (with hopes, dreams, and purpose of her own – separate from her husband and kids). I mean, I couldn’t even pick the college program that I wanted (which would help fulfill my purpose) because I was hearing that I wasn’t worth it. So I just made everyone else a priority, and thought, “One day… I’ll get to do things that I want to do, for me.“
Divorce has offered me that “one day” way sooner than I ever planned. And I am thanking God for it too. It forced me to stop putting everyone else first. It helped me to realize that I am just as important and worthy as anyone else. My purpose is important too.
[You may also like: Practicing Self-Care During Divorce]
God’s will.
My divorce helped me to accept that I’m okay, as a divorced woman (no shame in that). And I have learned, and now believe, that divorced women can do ministry for The Kingdom, no husband required.
You do not have to be married to do great things for God.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t say, some days I do wish I had a husband beside me in ministry. But I definitely didn’t have that during my marriage, so the divorce saved me from the feeling of divided interests. (1 Corinthians 7:34)
Now, I am free to embrace and be totally devoted to God and His work. (Besides raising my child too, of course. The balancing act is just a lot simpler. Most times my child is happy with the work I’m doing for God.)
That’s a huge change.
What ministry work did you feel God leading you too?
Where do you think God will take you now that you have put Him and His work back at the center?
A new chapter. A new you.
Divorce has taught me the importance of self-care – because we are all worthy – and self-love. It has taught me to be my authentic self. (Not do whatever I want – “YOLO” attitude – and people should just accept me! No, not that.)
I’m free to be more of who God created me to be… the “too emotional me” and not a people-pleasing or saying, “I’m fine!” when I’m clearly not. I can keep working on myself to be molded to be more like Him.
The season after divorce is an opportunity to take some time to remember who you really are, who God created you to be, and why you have the crazy quirks that you have. You can choose to take all of the hurt and garbage from your marriage and divorce and let it rot in your soul (changing you), or you can put God in the center, and find out how He wants to guide this new chapter… and this new you. You can let it shape you into a better person. Or you can just try to forget (which never really works) and pretend it never happened.
Either way, you’re going to get an outcome. Might as well be a positive one, right?
Might as well do the work, so that if you decide to get married again, you do not decide that before you know who you are, how God created you, and what God’s purpose is for you.
Make this new you and new chapter the best that it can be. God has a purpose for you… walk in it.
Personally, I’d hate to get into another marriage with someone who does not support my ministry work. And if I had jumped into marriage right after my divorce, that very well could have happened. It has taken me time to learn my purpose.
The change is now, I won’t let anyone detour me again.
What dreams had you put on hold because your marriage was more important? How has your divorce changed you and your life’s plans? Share your story in the comments.
God bless your healing journey,
How has divorce changed you and your life’s plans?
-I now walk with my head held high. Everyone tells me I used to walk with my head down and not look people in the eye.
-I am not always checking what I say by what reaction my husband might have to it. I can think freely again and express my ideas and thoughts not as myself and not as one person with my stbx (who I often didn’t agree with).
-I am free to relate to my children as I want to not according to how my stbx wants me to. Our relationship is not perfect, but it is so much easier.
-I am relearning the things that gave me joy and for which I had passion before I was married.
Amen Steph!! And so true (the things we experience) after divorce from an abuser. Great changes!! I am so happy for you! 😀
I was told I was stupid. Everything I did was wrong. House was never clean enough. He comforted the kids when I disciplined them. To this day he does not know why I had a problem with him dating other women.
We separated 3 years ago. Divorce is still underway.
But today…
I am thankful for my freedom.
I am thankful that God has taken care of me the whole time.
I am thankful that God provided for my kids to attend a Christian school.
I am currently taking classes to become a teacher.
Often I am told (but God showed me!) that I am smart, I am strong, I am capable, I am healing, I am thriving, I am succeeding, I am supported.
God showed me I am loved for who I am.
I’m enjoying the journey of learning who I am and what my purpose is.
None of this would have been possible if I had stayed with him.
I can relate. Good for you. I love to hear women working on their healing and rebuilding after divorce. Keep up the great work! Glad to have you along on this journey to healing.
My husband made me quit pursuing my Bachelor’s Degree shortly after we got married because “it wasn’t worth the trouble or the money”. I was always last in everything. I didn’t get new clothes, but he did, my children didn’t get much of anything, but his did. We paid child support for his children and still provided most of their needs. I received child support for mine and was not allowed to buy for them unless I bought for his as well. He bought boats, and tractors, and motorcycles, and 4wheelers, and stuff and stuff and more stuff. I got my nails done once a month, nothing more and sometimes not even that…I wasn’t allowed to want for anything, I had to sacrifice for the rest of the family. When I suggested that we tithe to the church, it was okay “as long as it isn’t too much, but we have to put a check in every week or people will look at us.” We didn’t tithe a fraction of what we should have, and I know from past experience that tithing faithfully will bring great rewards, but he wouldn’t believe that. The abuse didn’t just happen at home, it happened at church, in restaurants, in the grocery store, anywhere we went together. If I went to a store without him, usually because he was already well into the beer, he texted me and called me repeatedly until I told him I was on the way home and he would time how long it took and scold me if I had to stop for gas on the way and forgot to tell him because he “was worried about me”. He is definitely a narcissist! Since we divorced, I have had the freedom to visit with friends I haven’t seen in 7 years. I have had the opportunity to go to church and join the choir, and participate in Bible Studies freely and openly. I have had the freedom to go visit my daughter at college more frequently. I have had to buy clothes, because the divorce diet plan was VERY effective at 45 pounds lost. (I don’t recommend it, but it is very effective.) I am finally learning to breathe.
I definitely agree that I allowed myself to rush into the marriage, but I believe he knew he couldn’t keep up the charade very long so he convinced me that we were destined to be together and that waiting would just be a waste of time and money living in separate homes, so we needed to get married right away. The abuse began the night we were married. The cruel words, the poking with his very strong hands on my very fragile body, the controlling and accusing, all of it surfaced within about a week of saying “I do”.
I was previously divorced, and was a single mother for 10 years. I was lonely, I was struggling, I was making it, but just barely. He came along when I had all but decided that I would be alone forever. Now I realize I would have been better off. I wouldn’t change anything if I could go back, because I know that through my experience, God is going to use me, I am just waiting to find out how. Your blog has become so helpful to me and I am so thankful that you have answered God’s call on your life to do this!